The Cookie Cause

Cookie updates... July 2011

2011-07-15T19:54:00.001-07:00

So, Cookie's mom relapsed... A. GAIN. She fell and she fell hard like she always does. Because both of mom's children have a partial custody agreement (Cookie with the former foster parents and the baby with his biological father), both kids went off to their other "parent" before CPS could remove them (they were investigating).

Mom went off to rehab... A. GAIN.

Let me just pause and say that I'm not emphasizing "again" to ridicule mom or try to show anger about this whole ordeal. So if you're reading it with that tone, I want to change that now. I'm emphasizing that this is a recurring cycle that seriously disrupts Cookie's (and now her baby brother's) life in a way that we were trying to stop. I'm NOT mad. I'm frustrated. I'm worried about what will happen to mom and Cookie individually. I'm concerned about the long-term emotional effects on both kids--but especially Cookie, who is about to turn 4 and is starting to understand more of what is going on in her environment. I'm anxious about whether or not a judge is going to finally give this child stability. I am NOT ridiculing mom. Mom is caught in a vicious grip of something that she has overcome more than once against many odds stacked against her; but it is a very vicious thing--and it was shocking that she overcame it at all, but not shocking when she cannot keep it up. Not because of her personal weakness. She is stronger than most to have overcome these addictions and kept herself clean as long as she has given the length of time she used where the heroin has literally, physically rewired her brain.

So Cookie is now in the full custody of her conservators (the former foster parents) and doing well. She only sees her mother a max of twice per month for an hour or two under third party supervision (an organization that manages such things) at her own expense (which is extremely reasonable--I think $20 for 2 hours).

We now wait to see where it goes from here...

Court, March 16, 2010

2010-04-01T23:17:00.000-07:00

I apologize for the delay in posting this. Life has been insanity and we actually left from the court hearing to fly to another state for relocation nonsense.

We into the last hearing with the state looking to do a "monitored return" (where they return the child and "watch") of Cookie to her mom THE NEXT DAY after having had 2 overnight visits--both in the last week (after the foster mom raised heck when they told her they were returning Cookie and she hadn't had ANY longer and/or unsupervised visits). The CASA (advocate) was not "for" the return. Nor was Cookie's lawyer. Actually, neither was her mother: she knew she couldn't handle it with a 3-week old baby. She made these comments to the foster mother.

Our lawyer's plan was to ask for "possessory conservatorship"--which would give us court-ordered visitation and access to Cookie's medical, daycare, education, psychological, etc. (any confidential) records just like a parent's access so that we could monitor how she was being cared for (and call it in to CPS if need be). Pretty much, Cookie would go home and WE would wind up babysitting the mother. First, tough to do from 1500 miles away; and second, doubly tough to do with a woman who won't even look at us. The conservatorship would also mean that if Cookie was removed, she wouldn't go into foster care--she'd come immediately to us.

None of this was what we wanted. And furthermore, if she were removed again, we wanted her with her current foster parents--not us. They want to adopt her. We just wanted to make sure she was safe and not with mom without supervision. Ever.

We got our lawyer in a room with the foster parents and made everyone's intentions clear--showing him that we were all on the same page that Cookie should be adopted by them and that they were willing to be conservators. In fact, they had been waiting for Cookie to be in their home for 1 year (which would happen in 3 weeks) so that THEY could enter the battle to keep her from mom, too. With all of this, our lawyer went and negotiated that Cookie would be transitioned back to her mom for a full return on June 1st. The current foster parents would be possessory conservators (which doesn't expire--it requires an "order to modify" be filed with the court) and the mother would be restricted to living in the county they currently live in (which has a MUCH harsher CPS judge) or one of the contiguous counties as long as Cookie is with her and/or transitioning to her. If she wants to up and move out of state to live with her mom (or anywhere else) she has to hire an attorney and take it to court... and the conservators can object.

Everyone agreed, of course. Mom is happy that she won't be blindsided with a quick and untransitioned return--not to mention getting us out of it. CPS is thrilled because they're out of it. The foster parents are glad because it gives them legal standing in Cookie's care and she will go directly to them if something happens without foster care issues. We're happy because someone that the mother will actually interact with (but also won't get sucked into her crap) will have an eye on Cookie and regular visitation--and will allow us to see her as well.

I should note that this was not the usual judge. It was a new guy. We liked him and when our lawyer wasn't in the room and mom's lawyer tried to get him to hear the case anyway, the judge shut him down. ;)

Our lawyer said it wouldn't have been possible if we hadn't had intervenor status and been showing up because then nobody would've been there for CPS to "appease" with conservatorship. The foster parents wouldn't have had the legal standing yet to do anything on Cookie's behalf and if they got the monitored return, they'd have never GOT legal standing. So our involvement resulted in what we ultimately wanted: Cookie will never be with her mother without supervision/someone looking over her shoulder. At least there is now the added bonus of her maintaining a bond with the people she would automatically go to if mom screws up (which everyone knows is a matter of time).

*whew*

The story will continue until Cookie has permanency. Even if she goes back to mom, I will update you with what I get from the conservators through their visitation and review of the information.

Thanks to everyone that has helped and supported us in whatever way... thoughts, prayers, donations, etc. We really can't thank you enough.

Online Pampered Chef fundraiser

2010-03-06T10:51:00.001-08:00

As the prospect of a trial grows closer the fundraising continues. If you enjoy cooking, know someone who does, have a gift to get or need to do Mother's (or Father's) Day shopping... please check out our Pampered Chef fundraiser!

To place an order:
1. Go to http://www.pamperedchef.biz/hrdevantier
2. Click on the link at the upper right.
3. Enter The Cookie Cause in the first field as your host/organization name.
4. Click on the link to the cause event and then shop the online catalog.

You can also donate via PayPal to thecookiecause@yahoo.com

ANYthing helps--no matter how small!

Here's what I can update at the moment...

2010-02-26T18:52:00.000-08:00

Court in February didn't go very well for the birthmother. To be honest, I was shocked. Cookie's lawyer stood up with a LIST of issues and was FINALLY trying to hold the mother accountable for them. The fact that she didn't have housing, didn't have a job, refused to go to housing that would've allowed her to start extended/unsupervised visits with Cookie, and lack of transportation were all covered. The mother still had no job, no housing (she claimed to be moving in the day after court) and no transportation... 11 months into the case.

With all of this, CPS said that they intended to reunite Cookie with her mother for a "monitored return" (where they put Cookie back with mom and watch them closely) at the March hearing. Every human being in the room except the birthmother was stunned. The birthmother was due to give birth to another child within a week or two and said that she couldn't work for 6 weeks beyond that... putting even the POSSIBILITY of a job well past the next hearing.

So in four weeks, mom had to have housing and stay clean... oh, and have another baby and adjust to that... then take custody of Cookie again.

When they discussed her inability to provide transportation, the judge asked her if she had a license. She said "Not in this state". The new advocate noted that she didn't have a license in my state, either. Well, the mother's lawyer got nasty and said "Well she's HERE, not there". But the point was that the mother alluded to having a valid license elsewhere that she simply had to transfer over--and that was NOT the case. When asked how she would take Cookie to various appointments, she said that she had friends that would drive her and public transportation (which is close to non-existent there).

Finally, Cookie's lawyer said "Your honor, I know we can't take children from parents because the parents are poor, but..." Remarkably, the mother blamed the "attack" on the new advocate--who barely said a word, but called her out on the license.

Then the subject of how my family stood in the case came up. Apparently, we may not have the kind of standing we thought we did; but our lawyer is looking at what exactly was signed by the court. We have intervenor status, but there is question about whether we have an open case against the mother once CPS closes their case. Honestly, it doesn't change the fact that we can file a motion for a trial.

I know that the mother had the baby within the week after court. I also know that the housing she was supposed to enter STILL wasn't ready for her as she was in the hospital awaiting discharge. It's been a week and nobody has yet been able to confirm where she and the new baby are living.

Oddly, nobody asked for an extension of the case in February. But it was noted that if they reunited Cookie with mom in March--it would automatically extend the case.

Our lawyer spoke to mom's lawyer about negotiating with us. I know that her lawyer approached her about allowing us visits during some holidays and taking Cookie for summers. I'm pretty sure that all fell on deaf ears.

I've already booked the trip for March. It's the one hearing I know they're having.

Cookie is really doing well. And she looks wonderful. She continues to have therapy; but she's an incredibly sickly child. She's certainly a handful. And given her reaction to our youngest daughter (who was 15mo when Cookie visited) I can't imagine this mother being able to manage a newborn with Cookie.

That's all I can really say at the moment.

Of COURSE

2010-02-11T16:47:00.000-08:00

Of COURSE Cookie's mom is moving into housing tomorrow... the last business day before what would be the last court hearing. Still no job or transportation, but the housing she wanted.

I honestly have to wonder if anyone will mention that she could've been having unsupervised visits for the last 2 months if she would've agreed to go to a different housing situation that would allow her children rather than hold out for one with fewer restrictions. The one she could've had 2 months ago would've meant not seeing her boyfriend (not the father of the soon-to-be-born baby) for the first 30 days and not speaking to him more than 5 mins/day. That wasn't really worth moving forward with seeing her daughter more. With this housing, she can see him whenever she wants and has nobody to answer to.

Of course, the judge seemed very firm that he wanted unsupervised visitation to start before this hearing. I wonder if everyone's going to agree to extend the case. Because, ya know, mom needs more time and is "making progress". Ugh...

Mike and I are looking at selling the car to finance a trial. We'll wait until after the hearing to see if they're going to extend the case (and therefore push out a potential trial date) or not.

I leave on Monday for court on Tuesday and then return on Wednesday.

We'd appreciate being put on any prayer chains you can put us on in the hopes that Cookie's case will not be extended and she will have permanency and stability with the next hearing.

A new CASA was assigned!

2010-01-22T06:47:00.000-08:00

CASA is "Court Appointed Special Advocate" and they are often the most objective voice in court. Cookie's former CASA either retired from it or moved elsewhere back in December I think, but the new one came to meet with Cookie's current foster parents yesterday and she sounds very on top of things.

She hadn't yet read through all the notes left to her, but she said she's not a "burnt out" worker and will read through the whole thing. She's also going to talk to Cookie's mom face-to-face and she's likely to call us (the last one did, but it took her forever to get around to it).

So that's promising!

In the meantime, I need to make my flight arrangements for the Feb. court hearing... which is the day before my birthday.

She's home

2010-01-16T18:21:00.000-08:00

We flew back to Texas yesterday and I came home early today. It was every bit as easy as the trip out. Cookie is high needs, but really--a very good child. She just has insecurities that might make someone who is not really committed to her very frustrated. Thankfully, we are. And her current foster parents are, too. They offered to come pick her up at the airport (a nearly 3 hour drive one-way) to save me from having to do it only to turn around and drive back (plus pay for a rental car).

It's a huge worry off of our shoulders that her foster parents missed her so much. We worried that with Cookie being so high needs that they might be relieved to "have their life back" so-to-speak... but they really weren't. I think if they had, we'd have worried about how their patience might be with her upon her return. It's a huge blessing. In fact, Cookie being gone from them really opened their eyes to a lot of ways that she impacts their lives and how accustomed they are to her being there. We had asked them from VERY early on if they would adopt her (because we were focused on keeping her out of mom's sole custody more than having her in our home) and they had said they truly were not in this to adopt. Of course, they hadn't had her very long, either. But I think at this point they are so well bonded to her that it's worth asking them again. They've been nothing but supportive, and they've said before that if we COULDN'T or WOULDN'T take her with us and she was going to go to a stranger--they WOULD keep her with them. But they were always very much "for" our having her with us. I think it's something I will ask them again at the next court date when I see them in person. They have always been about what's best for her, and we all know that disrupting her from a loving home that she IDENTIFIES as home is NOT what's best for her.

And on the way to the airport, Mike shared with me some of his thoughts. He said that it was kind of cute to hear her call us "mommy" and "daddy" all the time; but that it made him incredibly sad and hurt that those are interchangeable terms to her--that they don't hold a special and sacred place in her heart. They're just "what you call the person who takes care of you most". OMG, when he said that my eyes started swelling.

This beautiful child. This very beautiful little girl who has endured so much in her little life. We love her so much. We just want this to end.

Life with three kids...

2010-01-12T14:47:00.000-08:00

In a word? "Chaos" :D

No, really... it's been an adjustment, but not an absolute nightmare. This morning, I got all three dressed and then let Matthew watch the Muppets on my bed while I tried to brush my teeth and wash my face. Just as my face was fully soaped up, I heard Cookie whimpering--so I instruct her to move away from the baby and the whimpering stops... so I proceed to rinse my face and dry it. I open the bottom of the shades in the bathroom as I brush my teeth and let them look out the window: Cookie gets one window and the baby gets the other.

So we're settling in.

Cookie definitely has a possessiveness about me that is difficult sometimes. She will go around and proclaim "MY mommy" or "MY daddy" to Mike (she just did it now as the baby crawled in my direction). I have to tell her that I am Matthew, Cookie AND baby's mommy and we have to share. Often I wind up with both girls on my lap as they'll argue over "mommy".

Cookie calls many primary caregivers "mommy"--her current foster mom and that family's two grown daughters plus the main daycare woman she's attached to. Likewise, she will call important men in her life "daddy". It's not really an indication of her remembering us.

Thankfully, the baby isn't a clingy baby. She really only wants mommy when she's ready to nap or when she's not feeling well. That being said, she's been sick for 2 days. So mommy's lap has seen a LOT of action.

Cookie is also somewhat afraid of the baby--who no doubt, is a bit rough. But Cookie gets to where the baby just moves in her direction and Cookie starts up with "Ouch! Ouch!" Cookie actually has a few of these tactics. "Ouch!", "Hold!" and "Diaper!" are her laments for when she doesn't want to do something or doesn't want something to happen. So she tries to distract you with "hold" or "diaper" and she tries to ward off whatever she anticipates being problematic with "ouch". But really, she's pretty easy to manage. High needs for sure; but if you know that and are up for it--it's very doable.

I give her choices: she can hold my hand or be carried. In the airport on our way here, she thought I was joking and ran off like it was a game. I promptly caught up to her and picked her up. When her screaming didn't get me to let her go, she decided she'd hold my hand when she walked. It hasn't been a problem since (although she's been reminded that she would be carried on occasion).

The behaviorist working with her current foster parents implemented "time outs". We've used them maybe 3 times (kicking and throwing without saying "sorry" and then for running off and not coming back in a restaurant. It was pretty empty, but she needs to come back when called and I tried 3 times with a warning that she was headed for "time out"). She's smart as a WHIP: she knows exACTly what you're saying. It's kind of amazing. But she's 2... which is just trouble and testing boundaries. Thankfully we have similar discipline (or rather "management") styles as her current foster parents.

And she's occasionally helpful with the baby--so it's not that bad. She hears Mike and I looking for the baby's bottle and Cookie will find one and give it to the baby. Another time she tried to "help" the baby onto a rocking horse (wish I'd had a camera). Then all three engaged in a tickle fight. So it's not all difficult.

We went to the nature museum (just she and Matthew with me) and Mike took Cookie & Matthew to the park. Today I took the older two to visit with some of Cookie's relatives here at the pizza place her uncle runs. She's been really great with all of it. And I managed to wash her curly-girl hair (which I was worried about).

When we leave the house she asks if we're going "home" and I tell her "not today--the airplane will come take us back, but not today--okay?" and she nods "yes" and goes on. It's not sad or crying or anything like that. HUGE, HUGE blessing. It would kill me if she were in pain or anguish over the visit.

So we're about to sit down for dinner now... then baths... then dance party before bed. :)

Getting excited!!

2009-12-31T08:09:00.000-08:00

It's getting exciting to think of Cookie visiting. Her mom is still without housing where she can have her children with her, but that's because she's declined housing that would allow her kids because it would be too restrictive for her for the first 30 days (5 minutes of cell phone time/day and not seeing her boyfriend--who is not the father of the baby that's about to be born). Priorities--right?

But we're looking forward to being all together. I'm REALLY nervous about all the flying, but overall, we're really psyched. We have no firm plans while she's here except to see her paternal uncle and her maternal aunt. Otherwise, we're playing it by ear based on how she manages being outside of her "home". Her foster mother feels strongly that she'll be fine as long as she's with me as she is so clearly bonded to me. I hope she responds similarly to Mike.

Mike and I agree that one week of her being here certainly wouldn't be a fair indication of what life would be like with her back; but we do both hope it goes well.

We've finalized the dates!

2009-12-20T19:10:00.001-08:00

We finally have firm dates (and plane tickets) for Cookie's trip. Her stay was cut down to 8 days at the request of CPS and really, we're just glad she's coming.

We also don't go back to court until February since it would appear that mom won't have housing in time for the January court date. But she could give birth anytime from late January/early February onward.

At this hearing, the judge asked if our intention was still to adopt Cookie if mom couldn't complete her case plan. I think he sees that progress is not coming along as well as it should've by now.

Wishing we could finalize dates

2009-12-07T19:41:00.000-08:00

I had to send a "proposed itinerary" to our lawyer, but have yet to hear back about dates for Cookie's trip back here. Court is a week from tomorrow and I'm really wishing we could have tickets in hand at that point.

In the meantime, Cookie has had to get glasses for her "lazy eye". She adapted to wearing them without taking them off, but has to go back to the doctor in a month to see if there's any improvement. If not, she'll require surgery. :(

And her foster parents have moved her into a toddler bed. We shall see if she manages to STAY in it!

We got a new foster placement here in our house--an 8mo little girl who has been in care for about 4-1/2 months due to domestic violence and a healed skull fracture. I'm not sure she'll be here long. I think the funny thing is that her former foster mother called her "Cupcake". I had to laugh... "Cupcake", "Cookie"... But this little one almost never cries and can't really bear any weight on her legs. She also can't sit up on her own. So she definitely has some troubles. We'll see how it goes.

She gets to come visit!!!

2009-11-17T16:07:00.000-08:00

So today the judge ruled on allowing Cookie to come for an extended visit to our home. I'm the only one in the house that's seen her since January 26, 2009. So this is what was relayed to me from my lawyer...

In court, of course her mother opposed (as she opposes visit requests when I'm there and Cookie doesn't have to leave the state). Cookie's lawyer opposed stating that it was "inappropriate given that the goal was reunification and mom is working her service plan". Ummmm... we're 7 months into the case and mom has no job or housing. Last time Cookie was in foster care, mom was already working for several months and housed for at least 1 month. The CASA (Court-Appointed Special Advocate) noted that while she felt that Cookie wouldn't be in any harm or danger, she felt it was inappropriate for a reunification case. (I honestly can't be sure that's exactly what the position was--I may be confusing this and she may have had another reason why not; but I'm clear that she was firm about feeling Cookie wouldn't be in any harm or danger with the visit).

Initially, CPS opposed because "the goal is reunification with the mother". We knew this because we asked them for permission before taking it to the judge. But they apparently paused the hearing and pulled the current foster mother outside to ask her about the whole thing. She's seen me with Cookie and noted to me that if she hadn't seen it herself, she'd have never believed such a bond could exist with this child. Well, the caseworker's supervisor and the CASA spoke to the foster mother in the hall and when they returned, CPS changed their opposition to the visit and stated that they were neither going to oppose or support it--that they would do what the judge felt was best. Their only request was that it not interfere with the mother's visitation--that mom not miss a single visit (which she has every week).

The judge decided that Cookie's mom could miss ONE visit and that Cookie could come to us in early January. I'm not sure why so far off, but I'm grateful for not having to travel at the holidays and having advance ticket purchase discount. :) We are required that I travel down to accompany her here and the same going back--which we knew would be the case (and we wouldn't have it any other way).

We have a hearing between now and then. I'm nervous they'll cancel the visitation.

I know that it came up that they want to try extended visits with her mother when mom gets housing. She's been accepted into a program to help with that--but not until January. There was apparently concern about this visit interfering with that. The judge asked if the mother would have housing by a specific date in January and they admitted it wasn't likely. So he said that the visit could take place before that date.

I was stunned. Happy, but stunned. We're all kind of surprised.

"Ho-Ho"

2009-11-12T19:48:00.000-08:00

Cookie refers to me as "Ho-Ho". I thought she was saying "hold" but her foster mother said that she showed Cookie a picture of our house and said it was "Heather's house". A while later they asked her whose house the picture was and she said "Ho-Ho". They got a new car and she was now able to see out the window better. Well, now she saw a particular house and would say "Mommy!" every time she passed it. They weren't sure if she meant me, or her birthmother... so I sent a picture of my house.

We got a minivan today. We'd been looking since we knew we were intervening in the case. The quest was to find a minivan that wasn't TOO old, had TOO many miles or was going to cost TOO much more than what we would get for our truck.

Eight months later, the planets aligned. Today we traded our 2004 GMC Envoy XUV for a 2007 Dodge Grand Caravan. It's a shade of blue just shy of neon. *eyeroll* and the one thing we truly didn't want to compromise on was leather seats... but we did. We didn't WANT a DVD system so that worked in our favor. But now we have a vehicle that can absolutely fit 3 carseats. Hallelujah.

Of course, I didn't sleep at all last night (literally--not at all) just trying to reconcile taking on MORE debt. The difference between the vehicles wasn't even $4,000 but we don't HAVE it. It could've been $500. Wouldn't matter.

And the fundraiser got cancelled for lack of response; but I think we're going to try to do it online as a silent auction... or maybe even eBay. I need to start working on eBay listings. I paid for the August plane ticket with eBay sales. Maybe we can raise another one that way.

As for Cookie, she was sick again. And the doctor doped her up on antibiotics again. I can only imagine what this is doing to her little digestive tract and how much damage control will need to be done as a result. I hesitate to ask the current foster parents to put her on a probiotic because I know that with all the illness and antibiotics she may have massive intestinal yeast problems and the probiotic could make her vomit. Managing from that point forward would be hard to do THROUGH other people and really, if you're not familiar with it--it DOES sound like nutjob stuff.

But I am worried about it. The foster parents HAVE said that she still has a reaction to milk. I think they said only if she gets a lot of it--I can't remember, I just know she still reacts to it. So we'll have work to do. Thankfully we're completely dairy and soy free here--so WE won't have any adjusting to do. And I'll be sure to find out what her favorite foods are at her current home and whatever it costs to replicate in irritant-free foods... well, we'll just have to do that while she's adjusting. But we've seen how trace amounts of irritant foods can affect behavior and development. I'm anxious to get her home.

Fair Trade coffee sales to raise funds

2009-11-10T21:24:00.000-08:00

Just Love Coffee sells Fair Trade certified coffee (single purchase or as a subscription) and a portion of the sale goes to The Cookie Cause.

It's a generous portion of the sale price--not just on the bags of coffee, but also on other products.

So if you happen to be in the market for coffee anyway, please consider purchasing it from our fundraising site!

http://www.justlovecoffee.com/cookie

People misunderstand foster parents

2009-11-02T07:44:00.000-08:00

It seems like there are only two kinds of foster parents in the world: those who neglect the kids and pocket the monthly check; and those who are desperate to adopt and are out to get someone's baby.

I'm not going to deny that those types of foster parents exist. But the media would have you believe that they are the majority when they really are not. Most of the foster parents I know are just like me: providing a home, comfort, advocacy and some life/coping skills to kids who are undergoing one of the most traumatic things in their little lives.

People assume it's about the money. Ummm... we don't actually GET that much money for them. In fact, you couldn't find daycare for what I am paid in my board rate and I'm living with these children 24/7, clothing them, feeding them, keeping them bathed and groomed, advocating for them at school and the doctor's office, and keeping the state apprised of what's going on with them to ensure that issues I see in my home are addressed long-term. The cheapest licensed daycare in my area gets almost twice as much per month as I do--and that's for 8am-5pm care with no advocacy, etc. Heck, they don't even provide snacks or lunch.

So why do we do it? Everyone's answer will be different. For us, we knew that safe, good homes were needed. We also didn't want our son to grow up as an only child. We wanted to know if we COULD love a non-biological child like our own in case we pursued adoption. But I know some who just have the extra space (the state really requires VERY little), CAN care for another child and know how desperately good, safe homes are needed. They see how bad they CAN be treated in foster care and feel strongly about being a better option. Still others just love being a parent... to as many kids as they can comfortably care for. Some love a little challenge--like the one that comes with trying to figure out how to care for a new child in crisis and taking on their special needs.

Everyone's answer will be different. And there are thousands of answers that have nothing to do with money.

And even the ones that are hoping to adopt from foster care are not all "out to get someones baby". While I don't find that many states prepare those parents for the fact that most of these children go home; I do find many foster parents who are hoping to adopt, but still able to support a child in the goal of going home.

I went to a potluck with a mother's group for Halloween that was wonderful. This particular mother's group is hosting a fundraiser to try to help us raise funds. So far, we've managed to raise enough to get me to the December hearing and pay all of those travel costs just through donations sent to the house and through PayPal (to thecookiecause@yahoo.com in case you're interested ;) ).

It's pretty much the norm to hear people say "How can you do it? How can you let those kids go? I'd get too attached...". Let me say this: good foster parents know that this is not meant to be hurtful, but it really is. It's like saying that we can only do what we do because we don't get attached or love the kids.

It's just not like that.

When you love a child with all of your heart and soul, you want them to be happy. And you know that if their biological parents or their blood relatives can keep them safe, that's where it's going to be. No large house or better clothing or organic food is going to replace that connection. My biggest point of concern for our adopted daughter is that I have NOTHING of her mother to offer her but a name. No hair ribbon, no picture... not even the name her mother gave her because her mother DIDN'T give her one (her legal first name was BabyGirl for the first 6 months of her life). I can't even tell her the race of her father. I'm hoping that she's not going to be one of the children that feels a void for lack of these things... for lack of a grandmother or aunt that can tell her that she laughs like her mom did or her eyes are like her dad's.

Even when children are abused, they still love their parents.

So when you, as a foster parent, love the children in your care and you see the kids going to a parent that has worked for it or a relative that loves them and regardless, an environment that is safe--you're HAPPY. Because the child that you love is happy. It is absolutely sad to miss them being a part of your day-to-day life, but you get through that pretty quickly. And I won't say that you don't worry about them and you don't wonder, because you do. I just breathed a sigh of relief having heard from a grandmother of the girls that left the day after Cookie arrived. They're doing well. It's not like you forget them. You just become aware of your role in their lives, and it's a role that you likely never knew existed unless your parents were foster parents. It's very different. And it's (usually) temporary.

When Cookie came to us it was supposed to be a 2-week placement. Then it "wasn't looking good" and then it turned around. When she went home, we were simultaneously ecstatic, nervous and sad because she was such a part of our daily lives. What we're involved with now is certainly not the norm.

The media has done a grave injustice to foster parents who are involved in the system and trying to make a positive difference in kids lives. And if they think they're making good people want to foster--they're wrong. Nobody wants to attach themselves to what they think is a corrupt system full of evil people.

Likewise, I have to wonder if some of the hesitancy people have to helping us in Cookie's case has to do with public perception of foster parents being that we're all just somehow bad people who always have an ulterior motive that is self-driven vs. what is best for the child.

Would love to know when that will end...

We have our first "corporate contributor"!

2009-10-25T18:43:00.001-07:00

If you're looking for incredible and inexpensive cards this holiday season, turn to PhotoCard Designs. At PhotoCard Design, you pay a flat rate for the design of your card. Because they do not print the cards, there are no "per card" fees. They simply design your card, send you the digital file, and then you can have 5 or 500 copies made wherever you like. Most card designs will cost between $25-$35.

Between now and Dec. 15, 2009, PhotoCard Designs is donating all proceeds to The Cookie Cause when you use the promo code "COOKIE".

So visit them today and get your holiday cards, birth announcements, adoption announcements, special photo gift--you name it--today!

http://www.photocarddesign.com/index.htm

The Cookie Cause can't thank them enough!

The foster mom texted me to say...

2009-10-25T13:02:00.000-07:00

...that she printed out some pictures from my visit with Cookie. Cookie took one of them (one where I was holding her) and carried it around the rest of the day, kissing it and saying "hold" (she wanted me to constantly hold her).

I cried.

The baby (not Cookie) is finally our daughter!

2009-10-22T20:42:00.000-07:00

Well, the baby is finally ours. Today we all appeared in court to finalize her adoption. In two weeks, she will be 1yo. It feels surreal.

When she was placed with us almost a year ago, we felt complete. Just before she arrived, we had truly come to peace with having an only child and loving foster care for allowing us to have a larger family when we wanted to but allowing us to come back to just the three of us. But when she arrived, we felt complete.

We did always say that if Cookie came back into care, it would be a handful--but that would be IT. No more. And really, we didn't think that would happen anytime soon. It really surprised us that it happened when it did.

But what a feeling that the baby is finally ours. As I pushed the stroller from the courthouse, I felt free. I had no idea how restricted I felt when she was still a ward of the state. Now we could make the decisions for her without the intervention of people who don't do as much research as we do and don't hold the same values as we do. It's a huge relief. We've been fortunate to have reasonable caseworkers, but some of the things they believe are a little scary. And some of the things they find disturbing is... well, disturbing.

That's over for the baby. And I couldn't possibly love her more. I was more in love with her today than I've been--which was weird. I think maybe somewhere in my head I worried SOMEthing would happen and she'd have to leave. But as I sit here and type, I'm almost a little sad that she's sleeping (well, not that sad! ;) ) because I just want to hold her. She can't stand sleeping next to us at all (she has sensory issues) so we don't always get to snuggle her; but she is so much more social and neurotypical than Graham in a way that allows us to connect with her on levels we weren't able to for years with Graham. The other night, she tried to feed me her bottle. I think Graham was 4yo before he actually offered me anything of his.

Let us hope for an end to Cookie's journey soon.

In the meantime, listing the house is off until the spring. Matt's company changed a rule on the fly that affected how long we would have to use relocation benefits--and it depends on when you start the process. This is huge because we need to be in our current state as long as possible if Cookie comes back.

So in the process of figuring out what to do, we REALLY did well at figuring out how to stay in our current state as long as needed for Cookie while complying with the relocation requirement by renting in one place or another (depending on whether the house sells, etc.) and Matt spending a defined amount of time in IL to satisfy whatever his company will require. We'll need to file taxes there, but... at least we know we'll be able to manage with Cookie's case.

I can't believe she remembers

2009-10-17T22:54:00.000-07:00

I was able to see Cookie briefly yesterday and was stunned at how different it was. Her foster mother invited me to the house before she took Cookie to daycare to spend an hour or so with her. At one point, the foster mother and I were standing about a foot apart and Cookie turned to ME to pick her up.

I went to eat dinner with the family later and again, Cookie showed a preference for me over the foster parents. They were stunned.

But today takes the cake. We went for our supervised/evaluated visitation and Cookie couldn't get down out of her foster father's arms fast enough when she saw me. We had a great time and she was CLEARLY bonded to me in a way that even shocked me. I was so surprised at how much stronger and clearer it was this time. She loved my phone and at one point, she inadvertently called Matt. I thought she was trying to get the phone just to get the phone, but she wanted to hear his voice. Her reaction was astounding: she was excitedly frantic trying to figure out how to get to him through the phone--and was waving to the phone and blowing kisses. The foster parents said she's never done such a thing.

When I had to leave her, the foster parents said that she called out "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" They note that she WILL call her foster parents, foster sister or primary daycare worker "Mommy" as well; but she will not just call anyone with some level of relationship to her "Mommy".

They also said that although Cookie fights getting dressed each morning (viciously), this morning her foster father told her that she was going to see me and she immediately cooperated in getting dressed. They said they have yet to see her have a reaction like this to another human; and had considered that maybe she had an attachment order. They have also seen Cookie with her mother (at a birthday party that included Cookie, birthmom, caseworker and foster parents with their child).

Yesterday I also hired a new attorney. We're hoping the case will move in a different direction; and doubly hoping it's not too late.

Life is chaos

2009-10-01T06:03:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to purge and then stage the house for sale. Last night I caught a hell of a break and my class was canceled so I was able to shop for some staging things. I got new curtains we really needed and scored a new leather sofa for $259 (a floor sample of a discontinued line originally $1,099).

Did I mention I was in school? Oh, yeah... with the relocation, I need to finish my degree NOW. So 3 of the 4 graduate classes I had left need to be taken this semester. One is only given in the fall, one is only given in person (and in the spring, I'm likely to miss too much of it either because we move or because we're traveling to scope out relocation prospects) and the third, I have special permission to take without having a job and the help of a former classmate--so I need to take it while all of that's lined up. Blech.

Cookie's motion to terminate the parental rights was acknowledged, but that was IT. I fired our lawyer yesterday. Matt and I agreed that at this point, everyone's working on reunification and our lawyer's just waiting until they actually try to send the baby home to do anything. No, thanks. We want no part of it. We can just as well stop all this nonsense and rest knowing that the court knows who we are and recognizes us as a part of the case. They have a completed ICPC agreement. So if she needs to go somewhere other than her mother, we know they know about us and we're cleared to take her. I'm going for the evaluative visits and I'll go down for court. We WILL interview another lawyer who may know more about limiting what the mother can do once the baby is back in her care (like not leaving the state she's in--again--so that the clock doesn't restart AGAIN if she relapses AGAIN). We'll see. We DID raise enough money at our last garage sale to cover the retainer. One weekend (Sat-Sun) and another Saturday made us $1,100! I hate to think of how much we originally spent on those things. Granted, there were a lot of items donated to the cause that fetched us good money, too.

Yesterday our lawyer for the baby's adoption got the papers from CPS and told us to pick a date. Her birthday is Nov. 7th. Date options were 10/22, 11/5, 11/19 and 11/20. Of course, I picked the first available date. :) Hopefully that will be it!!

My BIL gets married Sunday evening. Matt and Graham are in the wedding. The prior Sunday night, relatives flew in from Italy and one of my inlaws closest friends from high school finally lost his battle to cancer. So there was the wake on Tuesday night, more relatives coming in for the wedding on Wednesday, then today (Thursday) is the funeral. I think Friday night may be the rehearsal dinner and then the wedding Sunday night. It's a full week to say the least. Monday we have the realtors coming to update the market analyses. Thankfully, there's a high-priced house in town that just went under contract. One of our agents talked to their agent who said they didn't slash the price. Even if they did, it would've been down to what we were hoping to get for ours. And their house is assessed for $10,000 more than ours. They listed theirs for $40,000 more than we're allowed to under the terms of the relocation agreement. Cross your fingers. I'm PLOWING through staging this house. I took "before" pictures of most of it. Wish I'd taken shots of the attic because that's impressive. :)

September 2009 highlights

2009-09-30T22:49:00.000-07:00

This is the 6-month permanency hearing. CPS2's goal remains "reunification". The report notes that the mother is now pregnant again, but still without employment or housing (she continues to live in a shelter).

Our lawyer files a motion to Terminate Parental Rights (TPR) and motion to adopt. This is acknowledged in court, but not explored. Another hair follicle test is requested on the mother and the results will dictate whether or not the case goes to court in October or wait until the regularly scheduled status hearing in December.

I visit with Cookie for about an hour. She tolerates leaving well enough. She remembers me but it doesn't appear to be a strong connection.

Judge requests that our visits be observed by an objective party that can evaluate our bond/relationship.

We are unhappy with the lack of progress on the case and hold a garage sale (with donated goods) to raise funds to cover a retainer for a new attorney.

I'm sitting in a hotel room...

2009-09-14T13:17:00.000-07:00

I left home yesterday and arrived yesterday afternoon. I met a foster parent friend from online for early supper and drove through a horrible storm to my hotel.

I had today to myself.

I caught up on articles I was supposed to have written for the last month. That's about it.

Before I left, I managed to identify a ton of "garage sale" stuff in the attic. Matt and I agreed that 99% of it would be donated if it didn't sell. It has to go.

I had already identified a number of eBay items. They will go with us.

We're narrowing down the details of the relocation. The spring market is not projected to be any better than the fall market... but we really should've been listed by Labor Day to take full advantage. Now it's a matter of rolling the dice on what's left of the fall market, or waiting for the spring market. I'm not sure what would be worse.

Meanwhile, tomorrow is the hearing for Cookie. My lawyer filed a motion requesting a jury trial to terminate the parental rights, give us custody and allow us to adopt; plus a separate motion to visit her. I guess we'll see what happens. Her current foster parents truly would rather not adopt her unless it's an absolute last resort and she'd be going to a stranger if they didn't. So we are planning for her to come home at some point.

I'm scared. I'm afraid that all of this upset will have a permanent and negative effect on her. I'm afraid of what her mother's going to do just from us filing the motion. I'm afraid we'll spend a lot of legal fees for nothing. I'm afraid of what all of this is going to do to our current family. I'm afraid of all of it.

I just need to hand it over.

August 2009 highlights

2009-08-31T22:45:00.000-07:00

At end of July mother's hair follicle test is positive for cocaine but at a lower level than the April test. Caseworker notes that recent urine tests are negative and that mother has been weaned off of methadone.

The hearing is uneventful. There is a lawyer covering for ours (who is out due to medical issues). We had prepared to testify for custody but do not. It is stated in court that the ICPC study had not been received but court stamps later show it was received several days before the court hearing.

I opt not to visit with Cookie so as not to upset her again at the end of the visit like last time.

I felt numb, then defeated, and now numb...

2009-07-20T18:23:00.000-07:00

I'm out of state for Cookie's hearing tomorrow and so help me: if it COULD go wrong, it is...

My lawyer is still out from her surgery and the covering lawyer... well, he gets back from vacation today and as of 4pm local time, still didn't have the info on the case. I'll meet him at court tomorrow. :(

My lawyer's office subpoena'd the mother's drug test results and criminal history but it looks like her third drunk driving offense from back home may not be in their files.

Plus, the baby's lawyer is accepting that the drug test is still not back instead of signing on to push for it.

Before all of this, I just felt at peace that whatever was meant to happen was going to happen; and that life would be fine if we lost tomorrow... that our family unit could go back to living a normal life (or to the extent that we could manage to create a normal life given the current relocation crap).

But now I'm anxious. Why can't I just hand it over? I guess I just feel like maybe I should've been more on top of things and now this child will suffer as a result. But that's very self-important of me. I'm doing what I'm capable of doing to protect her and in the end, God will have to protect her if I fall short. He will spare her like he spared me. I'm not completely in control of the situation.

I wish I could have peace the way I had about it this morning as I drove from the airport. I felt CLOSURE.

I love Cookie. I don't hate her mother, but I do feel she needs protection from her mother. I don't even hate the idea that if we lose tomorrow, she will feel empowered. She'll feel like she won, but she will still have a battle to fight... even if she gets Cookie back.

I just need to be strong.

June 2009 highlights

2009-06-30T22:44:00.000-07:00

June 15, 2009 (Mon): CPS2 caseworker called me and wanted a letter from us stating that we didn't want any financial assistance because we're licensed foster parents and that usually means the baby gets a board check, Medicaid, etc. They wanted to process the ICPC as a kinship placement but they would need a letter stating that we'd be fully financially responsible for her.

I told her that we couldn't cover the baby under our own insurance--we've checked for her and even for our adoptive daughter. So she needs Medicaid. And in our state, birth-to-three/Early Intervention therapies are not free--you pay for them. If she's a foster child, they're free. So that would need to be covered.

I advised her that we didn't need the board and clothing stipends--but that she needed the Medicaid and the Early Intervention services covered because our income is too high to qualify for them for her as a "relative".

His job is being moved

2009-06-24T19:26:00.000-07:00

We got the word today that Matt's job is being moved to IL, and despite his telecommuter status--we have to relocate.

Part of me is E-FRIGGIN-LATED that something will move Matt's butt out of this house.

But the other part of me is sad and scared. I was ready to leave the house, but not altogether ready to leave the area. I know where everything is. I'm starting to have real friends here. I'm going places with Matthew and running into families I know from other things. It's comforting.

I know the towns and the real estate markets and the laws and the politics (although I hate it). I know where the good doctors are and where my holistic version of "House" is. It's just "home". Not this town or this house, but this area.

I think we're going to probably find a multifamily to live in first. We planned here to sell this house, buy a multifamily as a primary residence, live there a while and reduce our outgo--learn the property's quirks, then rent that unit out and move into another multifamily... continuing to sock away money until we get to our final landing spot. At least doing it this way with the relocation allows us to be closer to the city and his office in case he actually needs to be IN the office. We'd have a year or two for that situation to firm up. We'd also have a year or two to figure out where we really want to be longer-term--before we buy land and plant ourselves.

In the meantime... No clue how this will affect Cookie coming to us. IF she comes to us. And maybe the terms of the relocation won't affect any of it at all...

May 2009 highlights

2009-05-31T22:42:00.000-07:00

May 6, 2009: Cookie’s birthfather called from his home country and is supportive of our regaining custody of Cookie as long as he can remain in contact with her. He is adamant that Cookie not be returned to her mother. I heavily encouraged him to contact CPS2 since he is pretty much non-existent (not named on the birth certificate and really only exists as a name there since he's never seen the baby, etc.). I gave him the number, the name of the caseworker and the name of her supervisor. He says he'll call.

I asked why he can't come for 2 weeks as "pleasure travel" and he said he can't even come for a single day without a visa. The maternal aunt advised that he can't come to the US because he stayed past his visa time illegally last time he was in the US.

May 19, 2009: Mother fails to appear for court because she is in the hospital and awaiting admission to a psychiatric hospital (she is self-admitting). She had a car accident on 5/14 in the car registered to her mother, who lives out of state.

CPS2 states that the father has not made contact yet.

Motion to intervene is granted. Next court date is set for July—giving the mother sufficient time to recover and show progress.

I visit with Cookie at CPS2 office. She clearly remembers me and is very upset when I have to leave.

She remembers...

2009-05-22T10:25:00.000-07:00

I’m so torn as to whether seeing Cookie was a good thing or a bad thing. We visited for about an hour. The CASA report said she doesn’t speak, but I saw her use a few words… “tree”, “Oscar” (the grouch), “push out”, “ba” (for sippy cup) and “uh-oh”. I think she used one or two others, but I can’t remember. I just remember thinking that she was using words. No question she’s delayed, but getting better. She’s apparently already receiving services. The CASA report was from April 10th and it’s now 5 weeks later. That being said, I know she used a few words when she was at our house in January. I don’t recall it being quite as many—but some.

We played together for an hour. She came in and the worker brought us into a room. She willingly sat on my lap and I read her “Brown Bear, Brown Bear” by Eric Carle. She stopped me at the black sheep and went back between the cat and dog. That’s when she really loosened up a bit with me. But she was clearly comfortable with me. She even leaned into me a bit. Again—the smell of me, I’m sure. I honestly think that’s what it must be because it’s always when she’s close to me that she shows the strongest bond.

We played. She engaged with me. She understands what you’re saying to her, but I see that she’s typical 2 and pushing boundaries a bit. She took her shoe off and brought it to me and climbed into my lap to help her put it on. It was such a comfort that she knew me. SOMEthing about me clicked with her as a safe person that loved her.

Near the end, I told her “I go bye-bye” and her hands instantly went into her mouth (she does it when she's stressed or tired)—but she continued to try to play. I let her a bit. I said it again and she looked at me as if to say “Play!” I started to get a little upset: I knew what the fingers meant. I told the caseworker. Cookie was on a ride-on toy in front of the door when someone tried to get in. I pulled her off the toy and she got upset and was about to start crying. I had her in my hands and turned her towards me and she just laid her head on my shoulder—fingers in mouth. I started to cry and just rocked her, telling her it would be okay and rubbing her back. We did that for maybe 3 minutes (which is a pretty long time).

Finally I pulled back a bit to face her and told her that she was going to go to Miss Peggy (her daycare teacher) now. With that, she leaned out to the caseworker to be taken from me. As I left, she watched, but she didn’t cry that I know of.

I cried.

Matt and I had agreed last night that if the mother decided to relinquish rights, but only if we didn’t take her—we would agree to that. The goal is her long-term care, safety and stability. We love her dearly, but the goal is not about “getting Cookie back”. It’s about ensuring that she doesn’t bounce around the system or die if the system misses her. In fact, I almost wish her mother WOULD agree to relinquish on those grounds; and that the foster parents would commit to adopting her. That would be the ideal—not getting her back. The last thing she needs is another disruption in her little life. She doesn’t deserve this. And really, we were complete with Graham and the baby. We’re not driven to have another permanent child. We always left a space for Cookie, but it’s not like we’re trying to get her to complete our family. Our family is already complete. But we certainly have room in our hearts, home and family for Cookie if it’s where she needs to be for her long-term care.

I’m really worried that we WILL get custody and mom will work her plan for reunification… and the judge will say “Well, she did what we asked her to do—we need to give her back”. Then what…? More disruption. But then she could wind up back with mom if she stays where she is, too.

It’s hard to know what to do.

Hopefully by the July hearing, the ICPC will be done. Apparently her caseworker hadn’t even sent it out yet! I told the caseworker that it was a 27-day turnaround end-to-end and she said “No, that’s just on your state’s part”. I didn’t argue with her, but I will be telling my lawyer she needs to light a fire under their asses to get it done. Thankfully, we’re actively licensed—so it should go quickly… I hope, anyway.

I guess worst case would be getting to the July hearing only to find that mom had a 2 week stay in the mental hospital and is doing beautifully since… convincing the judge that “this time is it!”

So… we’re again in limbo for 2 months.

We won...

2009-05-21T17:24:00.000-07:00

The judge granted our motion to intervene. Cookie’s mom didn’t show up for court because she had been in a car accident Friday and the hospital was holding her until a bed opened up in the public/free psychiatric hospital because she was self-admitting herself there. Here we go again. The caseworker later told me that it was likely because they were requiring her to go back on her psych meds and that going this route would get her the meds sooner rather than later—it would just be easier this way.

There was some question about whether or not the judge would grant our motion because I couldn’t give testimony without the birthmother there to participate in the cross-examination (via advising her lawyer about things that I said). But it would appear that the testimony is more relevant to custody vs. being party to the case. Intervenor status makes us party to the case. We still have to fight for custody. When our lawyer told the judge that intervenor status was what we wanted, the CPS attorney spoke up in support of the motion and Cookie’s lawyer stated her support as well. The judge looked at the mother’s lawyer and said “I suppose you’re required to object” and the lawyer said that he was. The judge said “So noted,” and proced to grant the motion.

I quickly got in my lawyer’s ear to ask for a visit and the judge had no problem with it if the foster parents were willing to accommodate it—and they said they would. The judge thanked them for being so flexible and cooperative (as did I).

But when the hearing ended, the foster parents flew out of the building. The CPS supervisor ran to catch up with them. The caseworker and I followed, but when the caseworker saw the supervisor arguing with the foster parents—she held us back and talked to me. As a result, I could hear raised voices but I couldn’t tell what it was about. It’s hard to understand. They’ve made it clear their goal is whatever is in Cookie’s best interest. They were vague about whether they’d be willing to adopt Cookie—even hinting that they’d rather not. I’m not sure what the whole issue is. Then again, maybe I'm making myself out to be more important than I am and their issue has nothing to do with me and I'm just being paranoid. After all, they agreed to accommodate a last minute visit.

I told the caseworker that we (my husband and I) hated being in this position—that this is NOT what we wanted to be doing and that we really just hated the whole thing; but that we want to make sure Cookie doesn’t bounce in and out of foster care until she’s 5yo and someone sees this pattern with her mother—and then she’s suffered so much in the meantime that she’s a difficult adoptive placement. The caseworker tried to explain to me that the confines of the law in their state meant mom had to be given a chance. I told her I truly understood that, but that I wanted her to understand that our goal wasn’t to “get Cookie back”—it was her longterm safety. I didn’t want her to think that we just wanted her back regardless. We knew her mother could work the plan. That was the problem.

The caseworker had a really hard time looking me in the eye. So there’s clearly more going on that I don’t know about.

But we won the first round of the process.

I'm overwhelmed

2009-05-14T19:45:00.000-07:00

I want Cookie to come back, but I really just want it to be over. I want to know. I want to move on one way or another. I want to grieve, or I want to prepare.

I want the flight to be over.

I want purging and cleaning the house to be over.

I want to be able to focus on reconnecting with Graham.

I want to know that the delays in finalizing the baby's adoption are not malicious and manipulative tactics based on money.

I just want everything to be done and simple and loving and clean. I'm overwhelmed, and having a really, really hard time. :(

April 2009 highlights

2009-04-30T22:37:00.000-07:00

April 1, 2009 (Wed): Mother texts that she has been thrown out of the elderly man’s house that she was living in. I speak to her briefly about getting assistance. She goes to her sister’s neighbor who allows her to use the phone to call around to get help and calls me from their house. She is going to a shelter.

April 2, 2009 (Thurs): Mother texts at 5:51am my time (almost 5am in her time zone) in a panic that her sister and sister’s children are filing felony charges for “felony-deadly force” and that this will be her third felony, putting her in jail for life. She pleads for help. Forty minutes later another text comes in begging me to tell them not to file charges.

April 3, 2009 (Fri): I unsuccessfully attempt to call 3 shelters in the area to reach the mother.

April 4, 2009 (Sat): Mother calls looking for money she alleges she needs for methadone maintenance on Monday. She claims that without the money, she will be in the hospital on Tuesday instead of in court. I tell her that I am unable to send money and ask about her IRS refund. She states that she “lost her mind and lost all her money” when the baby was removed from her. Knowing that this means she’s been using drugs, I ask her if she will even test clean at the methadone clinic. The mother hangs up on me.

Later that day Cookie’s grandmother calls me and expresses concern about Cookie’s mother regaining custody. We discuss the possibility of Cookie being returned to our state as we have no idea which state has custody; and the fact that if my family regains custody of her and the mother cannot manage to get clean again—that we would maintain Cookie’s family bonds. Grandmother is firm that Cookie should not return to her mother but instead should be sent to live with our family. The grandmother says she received a similar call from her daughter that morning (approximately 7am) looking for money. Phone calls and text messages continue between me and the grandmother until the next court date on 4/20.

April 6, 2009: My husband and I write a letter to the court stating our concern for Cookie’s welfare, our prior support of reunifying her with her mother and our desire to be included in any permanency plans if the court should pursue them. It is faxed to the courthouse and to CPS2.

Cookie’s grandmother receives a letter from local municipal court stating that they have vacated the 6 month jail sentence for the mother’s 3rd drunk driving offense and instead will allow the mother’s car to be fitted with a breathalyzer collar that requires a breath test before allowing the car to be turned on. Because the mother has not been in contact with the grandmother, the mother is unaware that she is no longer facing jail time here.

April 7, 2009 (Tues): I receive a call from the CPS2 caseworker stating that if we wished to intervene in the case, the next court date would be 4/21. Caseworker expresses concern about the ability of the mother to get clean enough to regain custody and the state’s obligation to allow her to work a case plan. When asked if we had legal standing to intervene she advised me to hire a lawyer as she wasn’t sure.

April 10, 2009 (Fri): I contact CPS2 caseworker to advise that we will be intervening. That morning the mother has a visitation with Cookie and the caseworker tells the mother that we will be intervening. The mother calls for the first time in nearly a week (from the shelter) asking what I was trying to do. I’m unable to speak to her as I’m at a party with my son and tell her that I will call her later.

Cookie is being moved to a new foster home this day and I send a care package to her first foster home—Fedex’d to arrive before the move. It contains clothing, diapers (by request of the foster mother who is not receiving board payments) and an Easter basket with non-edible gifts plus a card for the existing foster parents and the new foster parents with contact information.

The new foster parents e-mail that night with photos of Cookie. They e-mail after their Easter festivities with more pictures of her.

April 13, 2009 (Sun): mother will get on the phone with me at 5pm for 3 minutes to listen but not say anything. I tell her that she had been out of contact and we didn’t know how to find out what was going on without being acknowledged by the court as a party with interest and concern for Cookie. The mother listens but just “uh-huhs” me to acknowledge that she hears me.

Contact with the grandmother continues through phone calls and text messages. The grandmother remains firm about Cookie not going back to the care of her mother and says she will write a letter of support of our gaining custody to the court.

April 20, 2009 (Mon): I contact the grandmother to ask if she is still certain that she can support my husband and I going against her daughter in court and the grandmother says that she does and she loves us. This is the last time we hear from the grandmother.

Motion to intervene is carried because mother has not been served 3 days prior to hearing. Judge orders and expedited ICPC.

Cookie's father...?!?

2009-04-24T13:05:00.000-07:00

Apparently, Cookie's father knows what's going on. The aunt that lives here (in our state) got word that he was trying to contact her. We found it incredibly coincidental that he'd call now--when Cookie had been removed.

Turns out, he seems to know that Cookie's been removed and wants to help keep her from her mother. He's going to call me tomorrow.

The thing is: he's listed on the birth certificate, but never signed it. (actually I found out recently that no father is listed on the birth certificate) He's never seen Cookie and never contacted CPS. By all accounts, he completely abandoned her. I have no idea what value his involvement would have. I mean, will they even CARE about what he wants given that he's NEVER seen her and she's almost 2yo??

He told the aunt that he really just wants to be able to see her once in a while. Since he's drug-free and was always said to be a responsible and upstanding guy (albeit VERY young--he was 20 when she was born where mom was 36), I don't really have a problem with that. Really--I don't. Nobody's going to take her unsupervised so it's not an issue really. The biggest issue would be the mother because she always relapses and I'm pretty sure she'll never let it rest that SHE is the mother vs. acknowledging that we'd both have a hand in mothering her.

*sigh*

The whole things just sucks. It just really sucks.

Court...

2009-04-21T13:00:00.000-07:00

Actually, court is worthy an entry all by itself--seriously--but more importantly were the outcomes.

Cookie's mom hadn't been served with our motion 3 days in advance; and a "service plan" (things mom had to do to get Cookie back) wasn't prepared yet. The service plan would lay out what level of parental rights and/or custody mom could have of Cookie--and therefore, how much sense it would make to allow us to intervene on the case. After all: if mom was getting the baby back and just had things that CPS would require of her--they wouldn't allow us to intervene.

But at the end of that hearing, Cookie was remaining in the care and custody of the state.

None-the-less, our motion to intervene was "carried". So it wasn't approved but it wasn't denied. Since the mother's lawyer had been served and he refused to accept, the judge allowed the hearing to be paused so that our lawyer's assistant could go get the document necessary to serve Cookie's mom. The assistant wasn't allowed to serve mom, so the judge told her to have the Deputy serve the mom. The Deputy came into the court room because he needed the judge to tell him to serve mom. Mom was finally served.

While we were waiting for the assistant to get the document, the judge tried to proceed "assuming mom would be served" and carried that motion; but ordered an ICPC (Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children) study be done on Matt and I (this is a study to show that we and our home were safe and stable for the placement of a foster child--and because we're already actively licensed with the state, it will go MUCH faster). When his court clerk asked if it should be expedited, he noted that Cookie was under 2 years old and said that it should be. An expedited study SHOULD only take 27 business days. There are 21 business days from court date to court date. But since the bulk of the work (the homestudy) is actually completed--I'm PRAYING that it's possible to be finished and approved by the next court hearing.

The judge also made us a "party to the case"--meaning we are now "part" of Cookie's case and recognized by the court as people who are involved as opposed to just being onlookers.

The next court date is May 19th. I'm going. Actually, I may have to testify and wouldn't have a choice--but I'm going regardless. Matt and I agree that there are too many little things that could come up that our lawyer won't know inside and out, but that I might know about and can whisper into her ear. One of us needs to be there.

May 19th is one year from the day she left our home. Very odd. It's also 6 months from the day the baby (our adoptive placement) came INto our home--and therefore, the first day we could legally finalize her adoption.

Gram is gone...

2009-04-19T12:58:00.000-07:00

My grandmother was the only constant in a rather chaotic childhood. Actually, chaotic is an understatement. Having moved about 9 times before high school, her home was the place where I always knew where to find the iron or the tuna fish. The routines and rules and storage spots never changed. When my mother was late from a work meeting or I needed help, I called gram. She and I had a very special relationship. My mother often sent me to accompany gram on errands and trips that she didn't want to take alone. I accompanied gram to stores and every week we went to see her mother, Granny, in the nursing home... where every week I watched gram cry about her mother not remembering who she was but recognizing me as "Gayle" (my mother).

My grandmother was an incredibly difficult woman to love. I really don't think many people truly could understand how much of an understatement that is because too many people say that about people who are worlds easier to love than gram. My grandmother had incredibly high standards that nobody lived up to. She didn't even live up to her own standards. It made her an incredibly unhappy woman. Most people she loved didn't know it. *I* knew it because I had that special "in" with gram. I knew her secrets. Not just where she hid money and who she helped financial and who paid her back, but what things had happened that made her heart ache--things that would torment her forever. All the things she had nobody else to tell. Pop-pop was gone and she didn't have girlfriends to pal around with. She had me. And I had her to cling to for security.

My grandmother loved her family so much that she wanted the best for them. It came across as having unreachable standards, but it was her backwards way of loving them. As a result, she managed to push people away because it really WAS hard to constantly hear about what you WEREN'T doing and never about what you WERE doing. The thing is: she truly DID love them. It was sad. And she was sad.

Oddly, no matter how much she would chide a member of our family, she would relay all of their accomplishments and strengths to other people--people outside of the family. If you weren't in the family, you never heard a harsh or negative word about her family from her. It was ironic, really. I was really shocked when I first heard her brag outright about someone I'd never heard her say a kind thing about before. And she did it whenever she had the chance.

And she walked a fine line between helping and enabling; but she erred on the side of enabling. She was more generous with her children than my parents have been with me in my entire life.

Because I spent so much time with gram and because she was always there for me when I was afraid or we were temporarily in need of a place to live, I felt a great obligation to her. That lasted most of my life and got to the point of my having to call her at least daily to be sure she was okay as her health and mental state declined, and I couldn't be with her because I had my own family to care for. One of my aunts--one who cared about her as much as I did--finally moved gram in with her about 14 months ago.

I didn't realize how much I had worried and cared for my gram until she was gone. Suddenly, I felt a huge relief. I felt this enormous responsibility removed from me. I relaxed--knowing someone was with her daily and regularly. It wasn't an easy road for my aunt, but it was a huge relief for me.

And last night as I was on my way to the airport to visit them on a trip meant for a court case, gram finally passed away. She had refused food for almost 3 weeks and water for almost a week. She closed her eyes and went in peace. She wasn't in a nursing home--her worst fear in life. She was with people that understood her and loved her for what she was capable of offering... even though it wasn't easy.

I spoke to her just as she started refusing food and she was pretty much "gone" already.

This morning I had some time to sit with my aunt and her daughter in the room gram spent the last year in. We told my cousin stories about gram--stuff we could laugh about. How gram would run through 7 names before she got the right name and an aunt would inadvertently yell "roll call!". How gram would start singing a song related to whatever phrase we had just uttered... like "Lavender Blue" or "I'm Looking Over a 4-leaf Clover" or some other old song we only know because of gram. My aunt and I exchanged the "guess what song I taught my kid"--songs that gram drilled into us. I showed her the hand throw that would tell you her level of disgust. My aunt spewed some of grams best-known phrases. And we laughed, sitting in her room.

It was a good day. My aunt and I knew her better than most. We knew she got what she wanted most in life when it came to how she wanted her life to end. We knew she was out of her misery--physical and emotional. And we were relieved FOR her.

And I know that she knows.

I'm nervous, but not a wreck

2009-04-17T17:21:00.000-07:00

Gram stopped taking water or ice cubes about 3 days ago. It's not going to be long now.

I meet with my attorney about a half hour before court. How could that POSSIBLY be enough??? I'm more nervous about her being well-enough prepared than I am about court. I'm starting to wonder how this will all work out.

I have a lot to do between tonight and tomorrow when I get on the plane. But court is Monday and I'm relieved that I don't have to wait any longer than that.

I had called Cookie's caseworker and left a message asking if I should ask the birthmom to dinner while I was there, and if she would let me know her thoughts after seeing her at the visit today; but I didn't hear from her. I don't want to fight with Cookie's mom--I want to work together.

Sounds like everyone is on lock-down with me. Someone suggested that maybe the mother got some legal representation that's doing their job and advised her not to be nasty to me--but not to talk. It would explain our last conversation and it would explain why there's be ZERO contact with anyone since Saturday night. They're not going to scare us off.

I'm just praying that this is all going to work in our and Cookie's favor. I'm praying. How could they not see the danger to this child's future? But you see judges do this all the time. I'm just praying this isn't one of them.

We're intervening...

2009-04-13T18:33:00.000-07:00

and I don't even know how to feel about it. But I'm not sure what else to do, either. Two days after my last post Cookie's mom called trying to get me to send money to her for her methadone appointment. It was a Saturday morning. Her appointment was Monday. She said she "went off the deep end and lost all her money", which was $1,300--but I know $300 of it went to bailing herself out of a "disorderly conduct" arrest. The rest clearly went to drugs. I asked her if she'd even test clean for the methadone and she hung up.

Matt and I decided to write a letter to the judge. It was 2 pages long and told him what our relationship and background was with Cookie and her mother; and what our concerns were. We noted that she is still turning to drugs as a stress response and that her not taking accountability for her life and actions had her making decisions that put them in unstable and stressful situations that made her prone to relapsing (which she did). I didn't know that she was facing jail time here for a DUI when she left or I'd have noted that as one of the reasons she left!

No response from her at all. She didn't call after court on Tuesday to tell anyone what happened--not me and not her mother. BUT, the caseworker called and said "I don't know what your means are, but if you were inclined to intervene--our next court date is April 21st". We talked briefly and clearly they know what they're dealing with--so they know that Cookie's mother could work the plan and regain custody, but that Cookie will be back in care eventually. She couldn't really tell me much about what they were going to suggest or do because really, I'm not legally entitled to that information.

I called the caseworker here who is bound by the same problem, but said "If you could, I would go intervene". When I questioned whether it was worth doing (talking it out to myself vs. asking her), she clammed up.

The lawyer is willing to take it on, but then--they get paid either way. So I'm not confident that she's going to tell me that we have no reason to do it.

I called my aunt who lives down there to tell her what was going on. She had been in the hospital and was now out and settled back at home--and I was aching to tell her. She told me that while my aunt was in the hospital, my grandmother (deep into dementia) took a turn for the worst. Apparently this isn't uncommon with dementia patients, either: something happens to their primary caregiver and they give up and check out. Even if the disruption is brief. As of today, my grandmother hasn't eaten solid food in over a week. She's alive on water and ice.

So I'm off... I leave on Saturday and my aunt isn't even sure my grandmother will make it until then. Court was moved to that Monday.

Cookie's mother found out about the intervening on this past Friday and called me--livid. The caseworker found that odd because when she told Cookie's mother, the mother just cried--she wasn't mad. But she was mad when she called me. I finally got her on the phone today and explained that we weren't taking Cookie away from her or out of state--that this was to get the court to recognize us as people who have a significant interest in the child and therefore entitled to information about the case. She didn't hang up on me, but gave me a lot of "Ummm-hmmmms". It was a short conversation. I wasn't going to beg her to "forgive" me. Whatever.

Meanwhile, on Friday Cookie was moved to a new foster home. They e-mailed me Friday night, Saturday morning and then again Saturday evening. I only e-mail them in response to their e-mails. I haven't had one since, though. I did e-mail them tonight to tell them I spoke to her mother. I wonder if they decided it wasn't a good thing for them to be communicating with me. I don't know. It's fine. I know she's in a good home and really--that's enough.

So yeah--a lot going on. I'm nervous. We don't have a lot of money for this. And I really don't want to get on an airplane. And I'm not sure I want my grandmother to hold out until I'm there because I'm not sure I want to see her like that.

We shall see what life holds for the next week. At least I have God's favor.

Cookie, Cookie, Cookie

2009-04-02T10:22:00.000-07:00

I don't even know how to make this short.

Cookie was removed from her mother again. It will be two weeks on Monday. Cookie is placed with her mother's former foster parents and has no access to her mother.

Her mother, apparently in panic over what she believed to be her sister holding the baby hostage, did some cocaine. So when CPS removed the baby (her sister was not supposed to give the baby over to the mother, but when the sister went to work--the mother went and took Cookie from the adult niece & nephew babysitting), the mother refused a drug test. She had apparently been to the methadone clinic that morning and did her tox screen there; but the refusal will count as a "dirty" screen. That Friday, they did a hair follicle drug test that we know will show that episode of use; but we're all wondering if she's been clean at all since she got Cookie back.

Because the sister called CPS on her before my state got to calling CPS for a courtesy check, Cookie was removed without any of my state's involvement and therefore it may stay in that state--1500 miles away. As of last night, mom was in a women's shelter.

This morning she tried to call at 4:30am her time (5:30am my time). The subsequent texts said that her sister and kids were filing a felony charge against her for "deadly force" and this being the third felony--she'd be in prison for life. In reality, the incident was the day Cookie was removed: the mother pointed her car at the niece and nephew and revved the engine. Matt says it's possible that it could count as a felony.

To be honest, I don't know what to think or hope. The mother's insecurities run SO deep that there's no way she will ever look at her daughter and choose to give her up for Cookie's sake. She's not even aware that what she's doing is completely self-serving. She knows that she loves her child and needs to feel loved back and her child is the only place on Earth she's ever felt love. She will have to have the child taken or she'll have to die before she relinquishes a second child.

And she's clearly turning to drugs and alcohol to escape stress as opposed to having learned how to deal with it. They hadn't even removed Cookie when she did the cocaine. And the sister called her in for alcohol--not drugs. So she's not functioning well and it's been almost a year. She's 37yo. It's not GOING to get better. As the caseworker here told me yesterday: "Her drug history was just too long" for her to actually stay clean.

So part of me almost hopes they convict her and she gets a life sentence so Cookie can live her life with some semblance of security and stability. But it just feels SO wrong to even think in that direction because I know that she loves her mother and will feel that loss. It just doesn't seem there is any good answer for any of it.

March 2009 highlights

2009-03-31T22:29:00.000-07:00

Text messages pick up again in the second week of March. I don’t recall the content.

March 19, 2009 (Thurs): Mother advises that her sister is being evicted and that they all have to leave by Monday. Her sister will live with boyfriend while niece and nephew will stay with friends but she and Cookie have no place to go. I’m uncertain whether to believe her and wait to see if things change over the weekend. At some point today or prior to today the mother states she expects an IRS refund. I advise her to use this money to secure housing for herself and Cookie.

March 20, 2009 (Fri): CPS caseworker returns from maternity leave and calls me to get contact information for the mother. Caseworker says that the case was not closed for lack of methadone clinic information—which leads her to believe the mother is using drugs again. I tell the caseworker that I had no indication that the mother was using and in fact I saw the mother think clearly and rationally during a time of crisis. I told the caseworker that to my knowledge, mother was working, attending methadone maintenance and had her daughter enrolled in daycare.

Caseworker attempts to hunt the mother down through social services in their current state and contacts the daycare center. Daycare states that the mother came to see the center but never returned. CPS (CPS1) says they are requesting the other state's CPS (CPS2) to do a courtesy check with a drug screen to ensure the mother is not using drugs again. Caseworker states that the mother has been convicted of her third drinking and driving offense at some point after regaining custody of Cookie (in our state, she is now facing mandatory jail time for this offense).

I text the mother to advise her to call CPS and give the clinic information. Mother states that she already did this and I advise her to do it again to close the case. Mother insists the case is closed and now believes that I called CPS based on her pending eviction and lack of housing. I text the mother a few times noting that I did not call CPS when she was “homeless” in February and I would not do it now. I don’t hear from the mother again until Sunday night.

March 23, 2009 (Monday): The maternal aunt contacts me to say that the mother’s family is concerned about Cookie and are arranging to fly one of the mother’s nieces from her home to where Cookie & her mother are to take Cookie and fly to my state where they will meet up with one of the mother’s sisters, who will take Cookie to a family one state north of us where she will be raised with the mother’s sister serving as childcare provider. The grandmother asks the maternal aunt if she should contact CPS1. I tell the maternal aunt that the grandmother should contact CPS1.

I contact the caseworker who says she will contact the grandmother at her home to see if she will talk to the caseworker.

Cookie is removed from mother’s custody later in the day.

March 25, 2009 (Wed): Mother contacts me to discuss the baby’s removal. She says that she went to methadone maintenance Monday morning and her nephew was babysitting Cookie. When the mother returned to the house, the sister said that she would not hand Cookie over to her mother. The mother left the house and returned after her sister went to work. Upon getting access to her daughter, she “calmed down” by doing some cocaine offered to her by her niece. The court affadavit states she admitted to doing cocaine Sunday night (before her methadone maintenance).

At the time that she calls she is out with someone whose house she is staying at looking for something to cleanse her system before taking a drug test required by CPS2 by Friday. She says that the person with her is a retired NY City police officer.

Text messages say that she’s unable to go through this and doesn’t have her child.

March 26, 2009 (Thurs): Mother finds out the drug test is a hair analysis. Her texts now lament about how it is over.

March 27, 2009 (Fri): Mother gets to see baby. Cookie’s foster mother (the mother’s former foster mother) states that the mother was arrested at a local bank for disorderly conduct under the influence and uses $300 of her tax return money to bail herself out. The foster mother had been holding the tax return money for the mother and states there had been $1,400.

March 29, 2009 (Sun): Mother sends multiple messages about losing the baby, the possibility of moving to her own mother's state (which she claims CPS2 is aware she is planning), and that if she is unable to have custody of Cookie they will return to my state where we will have custody of Cookie.

February 2009 highlights

2009-02-28T22:26:00.000-08:00

Mother arrives at sister's home on Feb. 1 and texts to tell me that Feb. 2 she already has a job. She texts during the week about the cultural changes.

Feb. 11, 2009 the mother’s sister throws her out of the house and mother drives around with Cookie trying to figure out where to go. She has an appointment with social services and I advise her to tell them that her living situation is serious and she needs housing; and to ask about a woman-child shelter. Mother later texts that social services says she will not qualify for any kind of assistance. I ask if it is a residency issue because she has just moved and mother responds that she doesn’t know.

Mother notes her desire to get off of methadone. When asked if she has asked the new clinic doctor about getting off methadone she says she hasn’t asked because the doctor here said she was too unstable to reduce the dosage. She is easily calmed when I point out to her that given the level of instability in her life right now, she would be better served staying on the methadone until things are stable. She agrees noting her desire not to wind up in a position of doing unsavory things to get drugs and lose her daughter again. She also decides not to address the “eviction” with her sister at her sister’s place of business because the mother thinks that given her sister’s mental state, the sister may call the police.

Later in the day, the mother returns to her sister’s home and the sister has calmed down and doesn’t throw them out again.

Feb. 14, 2009 the mother contacts me to make a plan for her and Cookie’s stability as she is nervous from the previous “eviction”. We discuss potential cost of housing arrangements and getting Cookie into daycare instead of being babysat by her nephew. The mother’s conversations are choppy and she cuts off/hangs up but reconnects. Mother texts contemplating a move to her mother's home state and notes that her sister there will only allow her to stay with her briefly.

Sometime in the next week, the mother contacts me for advice about a licensed in-home daycare vs. a “school” environment. I offer to check that the in-home provider is licensed (it is) and advise her that the licensing is the more important issue at the moment. She seems pleased to know they are in fact licensed.

During February we are in regular contact. Mother sends photos of Cookie. There is a lull in contact during the last week and a half of February and first week of March.

January 2009 highlights

2009-01-31T22:23:00.000-08:00

We have a visit to exchange Christmas gifts on Jan. 4th. Mother had been busy working during the holidays. Visit is warm and loving. Mother notes that they are moving at the end of the month because they will be evicted from their home. Cookie’s maternal grandmother will return to her home state (over 1,000 miles away) and Cookie and her mother will move to a sister’s house in another state (about 1,500 miles away--they will drive). She notes that Cookie’s father has said that if they are living closer to the US-Mexican border, it will be easier for him to “send for them”. She adds that she will live with her sister. Further discussion about this living arrangement uncovers that the sister is mentally unstable; but the mother asserts that it will be fine. When questioned about her insistence on going to live with this sister, the mother notes that she doesn’t really know this sister very well because she didn’t grow up with her and it will be a good bonding experience. Mother also notes that her own former foster parents are nearby so she has people in the area to socialize with.

I contact the covering CPS caseworker to ensure she knows about the move. I don’t get a return call.

Jan. 26, 2009: Cookie and her mother come for dinner. We use the computer to gauge the amount of time it will take them to drive to the new residence and discuss the trip. It’s a very happy visit. Mother plans to leave on the 28th.

December 2008 highlights

2008-12-31T22:21:00.000-08:00

We visit on Dec. 1st at a local eatery.

We decide to allow Cookie and the mother to visit our home, which has been anonymous until now based on there being a court hearing in December that we were led to believe by CPS would close the case from CPS supervision.

Dec. 13, 2008: Mother “invites” me (via “do you know anyone who would want to go?”) to attend a hockey game with tickets she received from a customer free-of-charge (she’s a waitress). I’m not a fan of hockey but I agree to go in the interest of participating in a friendly, sober and healthy friendship with her. My husband babysits the children and attempts to put Cookie to sleep in her old crib. Husband notes that Cookie is notably studying the room and has no interest in sleeping. Cookie adores our adoptive daughter and is caught on video trying to hug the baby and be gently loving to her.

When the mother and I arrive home around 11pm, Cookie walks towards me and mother picks her up. Cookie reaches for me and mother hands her to me. Cookie lays her head on my shoulder for a few moments. Husband and I discuss later that she clearly recalls the house and are concerned about whether it is a good thing or bad thing for her.

November 2008 highlights

2008-11-30T22:20:00.000-08:00

Mother is back in contact and as usual prefers text messaging. She notes that Cookie has started walking and that we should schedule a visit. She sends pictures via cell phone. We receive notification of a newborn adoptive placement and get custody 5 days later on Nov. 19th. We exchange photos with the mother via cell phone. She is anxious to see the new baby, excited that the baby is Hispanic (like Cookie) and notes how much like Cookie’s father our daughter’s coloring is.

Mother is working on Thanksgiving but texts us and refers to the baby as “Cookie”. Mother knows this was our family’s nickname for Cookie although we have always been extremely careful to call Cookie by her name in the mother’s presence so as not to flaunt our closeness to Cookie.

He's never been alone on a holiday

2008-11-27T18:30:00.000-08:00

I wonder if Cookie and her mom are alone today. I know her mom is working and so she must be with her grandmother or her aunt (that the mother doesn't speak to, but will use as needed). The mother said they'd have turkey tomorrow.

I told Matt I couldn't wait until we could just invite them here to be with us. I felt bad that she could be alone on a holiday. He was quick to point out that she had her daughter and it occurred to me that he simply had no clue how lonesome you could be in that situation. He's never actually been alone on a holiday... or ever. Unless it was by choice. He has no idea how helpless and alone you feel--how left out. And for Cookie's mother, that's particularly hard. Everyone has noted her distaste and upset at being on her own.

But I've been alone. Not by choice. It's just sad. I've even NOT been alone on a holiday, but not been with people who really mean something to me. It's still unhappy... and weird.

And her mom is reaching out: today she texted me and referred to the baby as Cookie. That was our name for her and while the mother knows it, we've been VERY careful not to use it in front of her too often. We use the baby's real name. But it was sweet.

The new baby has been having gas problems. The doctor noted that she had a hernia. She's losing her hair. But she's a complete love and everyone is thrilled to have her in the family.

October 2008 highlights

2008-10-31T22:18:00.000-07:00

We meet at a local eatery on 10/9. Cookie enjoys the visit and doesn’t pay any special attention to either of us but at the end of the visit I hold her to take a photo and she doesn’t want me to let her go or hand her to her mother. Husband and I agree it was very strange and wonder if being in my arms allowed her to smell me thus triggering a memory.

We question Cookie’s eyes that appear to be crossed again and mother notes that Cookie’s doctor is following the issue. Mother notes difficulty with Early Intervention therapist attendance and I advise her on contacting the Early Intervention caseworker to get another therapist for the therapies. I assure the mother that this is expected if the therapist is not showing up.

Mother takes a trip out of state to visit relatives who have not yet seen the baby. Trip is approximately 3 weeks long per CPS caseworker.

CPS caseworker prepares to go on maternity leave and brings the covering caseworker to our home to introduce us

September 2008 highlights

2008-09-30T22:17:00.000-07:00

Speak to mother on 9/9 as Cookie is sick and it postpones a planned visit. Mother is anxious to visit again so we can see baby when she’s not sick. We visit some time in mid-to-late September at local eatery. Cookie is enrolled in daycare. We text intermittently during the month of September. Mother sends photos, updates (new teeth/molars) and 1-year Well Baby stats) via cell phone. In addition, we have phone contact each week during the last week of September and first 3 weeks of October.

August 2008 highlights

2008-08-31T22:15:00.000-07:00

Early August: caseworker advises that mother would like to set up a visit and asks me to contact the mother. I call on 8/6 and 8/7 with no response; but call the caseworker to advise and within 20 minutes the mother calls back.

We arrange to visit at Barnes and Noble book store on Saturday 8/9 although Cookie isn’t feeling well. Baby is clearly not well and clingy. This is her first illness since reunification. She doesn’t appear to remember us (studying my face when I attempt to hold her) and taking comfort in her mother. Mother notes that the biological father’s parents came from their country to see Cookie and did not give the mother any money nor buy a new carseat for Cookie (there was nothing wrong with the existing carseat). The visit is short. Later in the day the mother calls me because Cookie is running a fever and she’s uncertain how to handle it. I advise her that is sounds like teething and instruct her on when to get medical attention.

Mother texts again while we are on vacation and then again while the family was sick (in mid and late August). I respond each time to let her know these things.

August 26, caseworker calls with concerns about the reunification based on a scheduled visit and the baby sleeping during the visit. She feels the mother should know the child’s schedule at this point well enough to know when she’ll nap. Caseworker knows that we visited recently and asks for feedback. I advise that when the caseworker saw Cookie, the baby was teething and the mother had put Cookie in daycare the week before the caseworker had made her visit. Knowing that Cookie refuses to sleep anywhere other than her own bed, I told the caseworker that Cookie’s move to daycare would likely throw off her sleep habits until she adjusted and that the mother couldn’t possibly know when she would finally sleep as a result; but advise her to check again in 2-3 weeks to be sure that this is not still an issue. Caseworker seems relieved to know there is a logical explanation for the things causing concern and thanks me for the call.

Mother notes that she was in the hospital on 8/29 but not why.

Closure...

2008-08-22T10:24:00.000-07:00

We saw Cookie right before we went on vacation. Long story, but we met in a bookstore. Cookie wasn't feeling well--teething; but mom came anyway. It was a LITTLE weird, but not horrible. It was just a few days after her first birthday.

She looked SO DIFFERENT.

When I went to hold her, she studied me. She clearly didn't remember who I was and immediately looked to her mom as if to ask if it was alright. In her discomfort, she clearly took comfort in her mother. It was good... for all of us. I think it helped us to really cement that she was not ours and wasn't aching for us like we ached for her. She didn't miss us--and it was such a good thing. By the same token, I think her mom needed the reassurance that there was no lingering thought in Cookie's mind about "another mommy".

Cookie looked good. Really good. Even the back of her ears were cleared up. She had curls now and the entire shape of her face was different. Three months... who would've thought.

We went to Baltimore, NC and then VA Beach on the return trip. I attended a Homeschooling Special Needs conference in Cary, NC that was really wonderful. And CHEAP! We got to meet another foster parent that is on the message boards with me; and we got to check the area out for relocation. We finally settled on one town and a backup town. We also decided to try to sell the house word-of-mouth first. We'll give word-of-mouth until October 1st and then actually list it.

Once we're under contract, we can go down and buy a home in NC. Special ed there sucks for sure, but for the difference in property taxes alone we can hire private therapists for Graham. We should get him re-evaluated just to be sure we know what we need and to update his diagnosis (or remove it).

That's the direction we're moving in anyway...

We notified CPS that we would open up next Friday (the Friday going into Labor Day weekend) but they already called us with a placement. Of course, they called at 2pm and I didn't return the call until 5:15pm--so they were placed. That's fine. We need to stick to one infant and not get caught up in helping them out vs. handling what we decided was best for US. But it's hard...

July 2008 highlights

2008-07-31T22:14:00.000-07:00

Late July 2008: We contact caseworker to ask if Cookie is in need of anything that we can purchase for her birthday in early August. On July 28, we drop off gifts including a walking push toy and corner guards requested by the mother (plus a sippy cup 2-pack, a shape sorter toy with batteries, 3 outfits and a book). Included is a card with a note to the mother. We tell the caseworker that if the MOTHER asks about visiting with us, we would be open to a short visit in public.

Just the three of us...

2008-06-18T12:14:00.000-07:00

and it's nice. I'm over the withdrawal of having 2 or 3 at a time. I'm settling into the more peaceful atmosphere, but being more on-call to entertain Graham. In some ways, having one is harder. In others, it's easier.

I'm also starting to take care of myself. First, I enrolled in a bootcamp to jump start getting physically fit. It's time. I can't keep trying to figure out what to do and taking a once/week class here or there. I have to actually GET healthy NOW. So every weekday for 4 weeks, I will be working out for one hour from 5:30-6:30am. You read that right: in the morning. Did I mention I am not even REMOTELY a morning person? And this is so early that I'm going to get home and probably still have an hour available to sleep... possibly an hour and a half.

And I cut off most of my hair. It was 18 months since my last haircut and now I have a cute bob.

May 2008 highlights

2008-05-31T22:11:00.000-07:00

Cookie has dry skin behind her ears and Dr. advises use of cortisone cream which clears it up. Baby also has a relatively raw diaper rash and Dr. advises to mix Neosporin with diaper cream.

Mother is not advising when she introduces new foods and so diaper rash may be a food reaction (because baby has existing food allergies). I find this out by accident when she divulges feeding baby strawberry-granola baby food. I notify CPS nurse to educate the mother on transitioning new foods with an allergenic child.

Crossed eyes appear to have cleared up.

Mother now has visits 3 times/week and at least one of them is unsupervised for 2 hours.

May 7 hearing results in a 5/19 return/reunification date. Baby has first and only unsupervised overnight visit from Friday 5/9 through Monday 5/12 (Mother’s Day weekend). Mother calls 9 times from Friday to Monday for anywhere between 1 and 43 minutes.

Cookie sees the Dr. again approx. 5/13 re: diaper rash that they now believe is a bad yeast infection. Nystatin cream is prescribed.

Cookie is reunified with mother on 5/19 with a 5-page document, an entire wardrobe in her current size and a bare bones supply of feeding items (bottles, utensils, remaining food from her WIC allotment, etc.) Page 1=her daily schedule and notes on dietary management of constipation; page 2= listing of her upcoming doctor/specialist appointments (noting which have been made or need to be made) and information she needs for all of them; pages 3=health related information including the current yeast infection with instructions, her ear skin condition with instructions, allergy information, etc.; page 4=developmental information on her current milestones and areas of delay that she may be asked about (with explanations/descriptions of the problems/achievements); and page 5=miscellany… info about her clothing, sleeping arrangements while here, etc.

Caseworker and I agree that as of reunification, phone contact between the mother and I must stop. Caseworker believes the mother will lean too heavily on us and we feel it would be difficult to deal with emotionally.

May 29: Caseworker comes to pick up a refill of Nystatin. Mother put something on the yeast infection hoping to help and it made it worse. Mother thinks maybe she was allergic to the stuff she put on the baby. I tell the caseworker that the refill will not be enough and baby MUST see a Dr. to get more (and gave her the refill in addition).

The caseworker also says that mother has “tossed” the baby's schedule and are "doing their own thing" and I don't quite recall how this came up, but apparently it wasn't a good thing. The caseworker asks me to reprint what I sent because she inadvertently didn't make a copy for herself and the mother no longer has the information. The mother is additionally saying she had no idea that there were appointments to keep for the baby. Mother has also not been able to connect with the Early Intervention therapist and so Cookie’s physical therapy has been disrupted. At this point, I ask the caseworker not to give us updates although we tell her we are always available to answer questions.

Just sick...

2008-05-30T13:39:00.000-07:00

I forgot to add that Cookie hasn't seen her Early Intervention therapist since she went home. I realize this may actually be (partially) the therapist. But I wish it were just ammunition to show that this mother isn't effectively advocating for a child with special needs. I'm just angry now. Angry and bitter.

I couldn't sleep at ALL last night. All I've been able to do is wonder what Cookie is doing and what is happening to her now. Is she happy? Is she crying and nobody is paying attention? Will this turn around? Or will it get worse? And if it gets worse, how bad will it get before the state steps in and removes her?

She was SUCH A HAPPY BABY. It sickens me to think that she's going to live an unhappy and uncomfortable life that is bad--but not bad enough to warrant removal. Yeah--lots of kids live that way. But they didn't live here in my house very happily for their entire life and then go to that.

I just feel sick.

Honestly... I just don't want to know.

2008-05-29T12:08:00.000-07:00

Cookie's caseworker came by today to get her social security card and some toys that I found along the way cleaning up.

When Cookie went home, with her went a prescription for Nystatin for a pretty bad (but recovering) yeast infection and 3 pages (large type, plenty of white space) of info/instructions for her care. Page 1: her daily schedule and feeding needs (how to alter if she didn't get enough oz. of formula, etc.). Page 2: appointments bm needed to make for the summer and info she needed to make and get through the appts. Page 3: just general stuff (ie: "I sent back all of the clothing your relatives bought", "If she cries, there is absolutely a reason so be sure to check her up and down until you find it"). Not a WHOLE lot on page 3.

Well, I get the call today that they need a refill on the prescription. Mom put something on the yeast infection hoping to help and it made it worse. Mom thinks maybe she was allergic to the stuff she put on the baby. I tell the caseworker that the refill will not be enough and baby MUST see a Dr. to get more (and gave her the refill in addition).

The caseworker also says that they have tossed the baby's schedule and are "doing their own thing" and I don't quite get how this came up, but apparently it wasn't a good thing. The caseworker asks me to reprint what I sent because she inadvertently didn't make a copy for herself. The mother is additionally saying she had no idea that there were appointments to keep for the baby.

Okay... well, there weren't appointments to keep other than her Early Intervention therapy, but there were appointments she needed to MAKE for the baby. Oh--and apparently she's not been able to connect with the Early Intervention therapist, either.

Matt thinks this all smacks of her coming back into care and therefore coming back to us. Honestly, I don't know what to think. On one hand, I feel like THIS would be the time that the mother would be doing EVERY LITTLE THING RIGHT... wouldn't she? On the other hand, the argument could be made that she simply doesn't know any better and/or understand the importance of some of these things and just needs some education and supervision to get on her feet. And really... DON'T EFFING TELL ME. I don't want to know! I don't want to hear that it's going badly because I will cry for Cookie's discomfort when she was SUCH a happy child. And I don't want to hear it's going well because I KNOW she's not coming back--do NOT need to be reminded thankyouverymuch.

Well... I had a good "I want her to come home" cry today over the whole thing. And I feel dumb because I'm NOT her mother and this is NOT her home and I KNEW that when she came to us. And I DO feel dumb, but I'm going with it anyway and just mourning my loss.

Either way, Matt and I agreed that the way we feel right now makes it such that every child is going to be held up to the standard of Cookie--and NO child is going to fit that bill. Matt was quick to point out that we always thought every child would be held up to the standard of Graham... and then Cookie came along. I guess his point is that this too shall pass and we will move on from it to love another little being the same way.

Graham is feeling it, too. I've had to remind him twice that Cookie wasn't coming back. We were in the library and he wanted to take a book home to read to Cookie. I had to very gently tell him that Cookie went back to her mommy... "Remember?". Another time we were in a store and he asked if a particular toy was a baby toy. I told him it was. He asked if he could have it. I said "No". He asked again and I told him it was for babies--not for big boys. He then told me he wanted to teach Cookie how to use it. Ugh... I had to stop right there in WalMart, kneel down to his level and gently remind him that Cookie lived with her mommy now. This morning we were snuggling in my & Matt's bed and I asked Graham who we loved. He said "YOU!". I hugged him and asked "Who else?" He said "Poppa..." and I asked "Who else?" (thinking he'd say himself) and he said "Cookie..." I said "Yeah, we do love Cookie. Who else?" He responds "Buddy..." It just broke my heart. He's clearly connecting with the babies. At this point, I redirect him to loving the dogs; but I feel badly for him. He misses her as much as we do. His own little personal fan club.

I did go through a weird thing last week with food. Did I post about this? I didn't want to cook... which is not really new--Matt's been doing 99% of the cooking for easily a year. But I didn't want HIM to cook, either. No cooking in the house! Period. I didn't want ANYone cooking. And I really didn't feel much like eating. In fact, there were 2-3 days where I fed Graham and sat there with him at lunch... but I didn't eat.

At least I haven't been holed up crying for 10 days and not functioning. That would really be the worst.

It's not devastating us...

2008-05-21T12:48:00.000-07:00

... and what a relief THAT is. We're okay. We're not crying all the time. I don't swell every time I come across something that reminds me of her. Matt and I are able to talk about her without it become cry-fest. Honestly, her first overnight away (4 days and 3 nights) was much worse. It was Mother's Day weekend, but really--the holiday didn't make it any better or worse. It was just her being away from us and the reality of her going home and not knowing if mom would stay on track. That was a really hard weekend. I even cried when she came home.

But we're okay now. We're both a little surprised by it, too.

I'm working on inventorying the baby and kids clothing. I'm going to toss anything I wouldn't put on a child going out of this house. I'm going to eBay the stuff that I know I will probably never use and still has tags. Then I'm going to sort the rest by size, gender (or gender-neutral) and season (just hot and cold). I'm going to note it on a sheet and then I'll know what I have and what I don't if need be.

I'm sure at some point, I'm going to give up and get rid of ALL of it; but I don't feel like it's time yet. I'm certainly getting rid of some of it, though.

It's hard to know what to do with the bedrooms. We're going to proceed with meeting our adoptive match a few times. We've also decided that if she doesn't fit with us (or we don't fit with her) that we're going to take the summer off, and then go back to fostering infants. Since Cookie's departure hasn't sent us to our beds crying for days on end, we know we could do it again. So I hesitate to change Cookie's room into the playroom in case our match works out... because then it would be her room.

We should meet her next week (hopefully) or the week after (at the latest). I'm a little nervous about it. I feel like the fact that I'm so mentally prepared to have the summer with JUST Graham will mean that the match will work! LOL! Isn't that always the way?

9 months, 1 week and 4 days...

2008-05-19T14:40:00.000-07:00

She was with us from 5 days old. She left today.

We were struggling to find a way to provide closure for Graham. We decided he needed to say goodbye and really have something to DO with her going. We've been preparing him for over a week that Cookie was going home to her mommy and that she misses her mommy so much... blah, blah, blah... We already started the day with "celebrating" that Cookie gets to be with her mommy, but it didn't really feel like a party day... kwim?

We had a little while before the caseworker came and Cookie was taking a bottle. Matt was holding her, and Graham started mimicking her--position in my lap, kicking feet when she did, etc. I think it was his way of saying goodbye to her and dealing with it.

I did have him pick out a book for her to take home and he chose one that we had bought FOR her long ago and it was in her room until recently. I searched his bookshelf for it and couldn't find it--so I asked him to come pick a book for her to take home. He went to his bookshelf and grabbed THAT book. I was so annoyed that I asked him where he found it and he brought me to his bookshelf--but I swear I had searched EVERY SHELF. I had him put it in her duffle, and then had him fill another duffle with the outgrown clothes and asked him if he thought she would have enough clothes to wear. I made him pack the pic of her birthparents.

But he went out back before she left and now she's gone and he's acting fine. I'm sure it will crop up here and there going forward, but it's not the crying fit he had when the girls left--so I feel a LOT better about it.

Matt and I are intermittently tearing, but overall--we've made our peace with it. We realized that she was sent to us to teach us that we WERE capable of loving a child that wasn't ours by blood. If we didn't hurt to see her go, we would never know that. Likewise, she wouldn't have known the love that an infant deserves to know--even if they can't be with their parents. And since we hope to adopt and worried about this--it was an important lesson. And she needed our help when we were able to give it.

I hope her mother continues on this path. I hope she never comes back into care. Of course, if she does, we will be first in line to take her in...

Why?

2008-05-18T17:31:00.000-07:00

Why do we want more kids? I'm thinking about all the things we could do with Graham because it's only one child... all the time we could devote to him... how happy we are together. Even if we had given birth, that child could have needs that would shatter this happy picture.

I'm starting to believe that straight fostering has been such a gift. We have the blessing of family without the committment. It sounds so shallow, but the reality is that it's a mutually beneficial situation: these kids NEED a place to be that can help them and love them, and we have that to give. Likewise, we love the feeling of family, but are also very happy to have time where it's just the 3 of us. We COULD take breaks more often--we just have opted not to. Some foster parents take a break after every placement. We accept them one on top of the other.

So I think we're taking the summer off unless the adoptive match pans out. We're really nervous about that. Frankly, I'm starting to think that we may never want to adopt UNLESS it was a child we've fostered. I just feel like the adoptive process can move too quickly.

But right now, I think Graham may need some time, too. I'm starting to wonder if he's going to be okay with Cookie leaving. Recently we were in the car and he unlatched the top part of his carseat-belt. I told him that he needed to stop doing that or the police would think I didn't take care of him. He asked "Like Cookie's mommy?" and I said "Yes". Since then, there have been a few intances of him saying something about being taken away for misbehaving. It's hard to tell if he actually believes this, or is just being manipulative. Either way, I don't like it.

Cookie is his biggest fan. And he LOVES an audience. I think her leaving is going to be hard on him. They are frick and frack. I thought he'd be far enough in age that this wouldn't be an issue, but she adores him and he knows it. So I'm glad we'll be empty for a while so I can spoil him with attention.

We'll see how the summer goes. The reality is: I'm a better mom with more than one child. When I just have one, I feel like it's so little work that "I'll get to it". I have this problem in every aspect of my life and it really is a problem. But when I have a lot on my plate, I kick into gear, get organized and get things done. I feel like that's such a crappy way to parent. So this summer, I'm going to really work on that. I love my little guy. I just hope that carries me through to moving my butt a little more.

To show us that we could...

2008-05-18T17:04:00.000-07:00

The other day we were driving home from and the kids were laughing in the back seat. I thought about Cookie going home and the prospect of adopting another little girl the state has called about (an older one through the adoptive unit--not foster)... and what a mess it all seemed to be. For a second, my eyes swelled and I asked him "How did this happen to us?"

How did our quest to have more than one child go from something as seemingly simple as HAVING another child... to this.

I've decided that since everything happens for a reason and a purpose, that God has sent Cookie to us to teach us that we were capable of loving a child that wasn't our own by blood. She has fulfilled her purpose; and without our sadness and missing her, we wouldn't know how strong we could possibly feel about a child that had no biological connection to us at all.

She taught us an incredibly valuable lesson.

So I do have some peace about her leaving--knowing that her life has other purpose now... and so does ours. It was our last day together and a great day at that. It was just a regular day. I only felt moved to swell with tears once: when I realized that in the car, going to breakfast, Cookie was trying to sing the song Graham keeps singing ("Amen, Omen" by Ben Harper). I instantly thought that I could get it on CD and send it home with her for her mother to hear. Then I listened to the words:

"Amen omen, will I see your face again?
"Amen omen, can I find the place within
"To live my life without you?"

THAT made my eyes swell for a minute.

It was supposed to rain all day, so Matt and I planned a "Star Wars Festival" for Graham. We told him he could dress up in his X-Wing fighter uniform (an astronaut uniform from Halloween) when we go out for breakfast... which he did. We watched Star Wars movies broken up by earning another Lego Star Wars ship (the Imperial Dropship) and a treasure hunt that found two more episodes of the series. We put together the Dropship outside. Well, Graham did most of it himself despite the fact that the package is rated for 7-12yo's. Cookie watched from her saucer while Matt mowed the back lawn and I swept the maple seed pods from the patio. It was just nice.

Surprisingly, I'm okay. I have these passing daydreams about her mother calling me for help and having to drive there to rescue the two of them... but I know how stupid that is. I think about how her mother's going to handle the changes in her life... if she's going to relapse... if she does--will anyone be around to help Cookie? I wonder. But I wonder about all the possibilities with all of them--even the ones I'm relieved to see go.

I have a beautiful little dress for Cookie to wear home, but it's going to be too cold for it. So now I have no idea what I'm going to put on her. She doesn't have anything "special" that's appropriate for the cold tomorrow. Not that fits, anyway. Maybe if I have some time in the morning I can go buy her a little dress.

Hoping Graham handles this one alright. We've had some discussions about Cookie missing her mommy and vice versa. I think he understands it. About two weeks ago I explained to him that her mommy had called and really missed Cookie and asked if she could come home and I said that she could. Graham asked if she would come back and I said "No, honey, I don't think she would." He was quiet for a second and asked if Buddy was coming back. I told him that he wouldn't.

We walked down the stairs together, quietly. At the bottom of the stairs, he asked me what I thought Cookie's mommy would call her. I asked him what he thought and he said that she could call her Cookie, or her birth name or the name that we IN PASSING thought we'd name a future daughter (he's heard it TWICE). I told him I thought she would call the baby by her birth name. He continued to play.

Suddenly, I'm enjoying him more. I'm looking forward to it just being the three of us for a while. I'm looking forward to a break. I sometimes think of the new child and wonder if we just need time alone as a family for a while--to re-evaluate what we want. Last night I asked Matt why we even want more kids and neither of us can really articulate it, but we also can't deny that we can't put it to bed, either.

So we'll move forward. Cookie will leave and we'll find out more about the potential adoptive placement... maybe we'll meet her. I'm sure it won't be too long before CPS calls us with another foster placement. Honestly, I think our resource worker must've told them to hold off on us pending Cookie's leaving and the incoming adoptive placement. They try to minimize disruption in the home if they can. But I know at the end of the day, if they don't have a home for a child--they're going to call.

In the meantime, I shot out an e-mail Lena and Amanda's caseworker to see how the girls are doing. It's almost a year ago to the day since they came. It was May 24th and we've had placements ongoing until Cookie leaves tomorrow--May 19th. It's been an interesting year. We've learned a lot. I don't regret it.

My next e-mail will be to Carl's caseworker. I wonder if he's still at home or hospitalized again. I can't imagine what will become of him. I'm almost wondering if I should bother e-mailing the caseworker. **SIGH**

Has it just not hit me yet?

2008-05-14T06:52:00.000-07:00

Cookie just left for her visit. Her last visit before going home on Monday. As I putter through the house, getting myself together for the day, I'm seeing things here and there that will need to be packed to go with her. And I'm not crying. My eyes are not swelling with tears.

Is it possible that I've made my peace with it?

I don't know. I know I was really having a hard time this weekend while Cookie was gone. I wondered if it would be easier or worse when she was gone for good and I knew she wasn't coming back. I still wonder.

I did tell the caseworker that all calls were off after the 19th. I'm thinking that may not have been the wisest thing to do. Maybe I need to be available for a little transition time in case mom has a panic about something.

The worst thing...

2008-05-09T19:53:00.000-07:00

... is walking into her room, seeing the empty crib, breathing in deeply, and smelling her. But she's not here.

It's the smell.

Not seeing her things everywhere I turn. Not folding clothes for a child that isn't here. Not tripping over the saucer and the swing. Not seeing the bouncy seat next to our bed. It's the smell of her. The smell of sweet skin and diaper cream and oatmeal made with prune juice.

It's just the smell of her.

First overnight...

2008-05-09T07:31:00.000-07:00

Of course, Cookie's mother called this morning and read me something that just put me into tears about how being a mother has changed her so much. She then thanked me for taking care of the baby so well and involving her so much. All I could do was cry.

She told me that she spoke to the birthfather. It was a lot of mixed messages. The result was clear: he didn't want to be with her and the result was that she spent a day in bed. I told her that I thought that was miraculous given what she could have done. Maybe I shouldn't have said that.

But I put her in the car, kissed her, said "Lovey, lovey" and went inside. My eyes just welled up. I miss her already and I know she's coming back on Monday.

Her mom wanted to be sure she had the schedule right... the feeding correct. What to use on her ears and her diaper area. Asking if X would be alright instead. Checking to be sure she was doing the right things. I had to respect that she didn't assume to know it all just because Cookie was hers. You hear about parents that do that: they assume the child is theres and despite the fact they haven't been living together, the parent would "just know" what to do and to use. Usually to the child's dismay. So I am glad that the mother goes through it with me with such detail.

Some foster parents wouldn't have that kind of contact and just let the birthparent fail. But I know that Cookie would suffer in the meantime--and I just love her so much.

I'm not sure what to do now. On one hand, we feel like we should take a break, reassess ourselves and decide whether to keep fostering. On the other hand, I feel like if we're left without another child to distract us, it will be worse.

I don't know...

It's raining today. How appropriate.

How am I going to say goodbye to her?

2008-05-07T18:57:00.000-07:00

I told Graham today that Cookie's mommy wanted Cookie to come live at home. I told Graham that Cookie's mommy missed her so much. Graham asked if Cookie would come back and I told him "no". So then he asked if Buddy would come back and I told him "no". He was quiet as we finished going down the stairs. Then he started on about what Cookie's mother would call her... and running through the list of available names for her (Cookie, her real name, and the name we had reserved for our own future child if we were to have a girl).

But court confirmed it that she will go home on May 19th. They go back to court in August and the caseworker said that even if they close the case in August, the mother will still be in monitoring & supervision for at least another 3 months. That would put them in early November. The birthmother's mom is planning to move out of state in January. Between that and the holidays, I wish they would monitor her through that.

I just pictured saying goodbye and telling her to be a good girl and I started to cry at how ridiculous that was because she just WAS a perfect child.

I feel like she is as much my own as Graham. And Matt feels the same way. But we also know that her mother has worked really hard to get where she is and to have her daughter back.

In some ways, it's reassuring: we now know that we COULD love another child who is not ours no different than if they were ours. So at least we know that it's possible to adopt a child and love them like our own blood. Yeah--I know people do it all the time, but they're not me. Just because other people can do it doesn't mean we could. And whose to say that they're not lying? Or maybe they don't have their own and therefore they don't know the difference--ya know?

But we can. And we do.

And we worry that if mom relapses (as she has been known to do after significant periods of sobriety)... what will Cookie endure or suffer before someone rescues her? Will she even be in this state?

My sweet girl. My sweet, HAPPY, loving, brown-haired happy baby girl. I just have no clue how I'm going to handle it. And I feel so dumb--because she's not mine and I know it and I've always known it and I worked above and beyond maintaining her connection to her mom. But I love her. I love her so much...

April 2008 highlights

2008-04-30T22:08:00.000-07:00

Mother and I attend an evaluation from a developmental pediatrician. The night before the evaluation, I e-mail the mother to assure her that she is the baby’s mother and therefore she should just look at it as if I was there to help her and nothing else. I also assure her that none of the medical professionals involved in the baby’s care have made any kind of negative judgment about the drug exposure, the foster care situation or the mother (she had expressed concern about this); and that since I have been through evaluations like this, that if I believe what they are saying to be far-fetched, I will advocate for a second opinion.

At the evaluation, I allow the mother to take the lead and only answer questions when I know she either looks to me or goes silent and assumes I will answer--but allowing her to be "mom" and me to be "caretaker". Dr. notes things already known about her delays and finds the baby’s prognosis to be good although he notes she is likely to be bipolar. He expresses agreement with delaying additional Early Intervention time for cognitive delays.

A transport worker who had proven to be troublesome for this mother in making false statements to CPS and myself about the mother did the mother’s transport for this evaluation and reported strange behavior after the evaluation. The caseworker calls me to understand the mother’s behavior during the evaluation. I tell the caseworker that I have been in the mother’s shoes with my own biological child for the exact same evaluations (albeit different causes of problems) and have behaved much like this mother did; and went on to explain the emotions involved. Caseworker is satisfied and mother gets her first unsupervised visit on 4/9. I send the mother my cell phone number in case she has any questions.

On 4/16 baby returns from a visit acting strange with disrupted sleep and a fit of inconsolable screaming even though she is not breaking a tooth (and not doing her typical teething things). Mother has been out of touch all afternoon and doesn’t respond to give a feeding/sleeping update—which is out of character for her. CPS advises that Cookie’s grandmother is unhappy here and Cookie’s mothers work hours are so few that the grandmother is supporting them. Grandmother is also a waitress.

In another e-mail, I update her on my sister-in-law who had exited rehab in February (the mother had been asking in January).

Mother goes to her first “commitment” at local mental health facility. This is somehow related to sobriety and she is nervous about speaking.

At this point, there are no more e-mails between the mother and I; but there proceed to be some phone calls

Just problems...

2008-04-25T12:27:00.000-07:00

PMS is still a big problem. I need to take my meds more faithfully. 'Nuff said.

Buddy left us a week ago today. He went to a SHSP ("ships") home. They serve "medically fragile" children. We thought the respite foster parent was ridiculous when she said he was choking so frequently, but he was home about 5 days and had 4 incidents of stopping breathing in 48 hours. So on one hand, I'm sorry he left; but on the other--I'm glad: I don't want to have a child die in my care. We tried to find immediate CPR training, but apparently that doesn't exist.

Buddy being in our care started to make us wonder if we could bond with a child of another race. Not just African-American... but any child that didn't look like they could be ours. Combined with the very unsettling incident we had at WalMart (when I was alone with the 3 kids and told by 2 AA women that I should find my own kids and stop stealing black babies) I'm not sure how to approach adoption outside of my race. Is this something you get used to? And even if other people GET used to it... could we?

Wednesday we were told that Cookie would be recommended to go home on 5/19. It's possible that the judge won't wait 12 days (court is on 5/7) and she'll go home immediately. I just went out and bought her a new wardrobe. I would have had to do it anyway because she just hit a new size. She'll start her new life well dressed if nothing else! I'm going to miss her.

The next day we got a call from Trenton to say we had been matched for adoption. Of course it's a little AA girl... almost 2yo. Something is very wrong with her because she's not walking yet and has a ton of Early Intervention therapy. Speech/communication, OT and PT. We agreed to find out more, but are really concerned about her not walking. She may be more special needs than we can handle given Graham's stuff.

Oh... Graham's "stuff"... includes being at a small gathering today at a park where he was the oldest child and 5 of them run off to hide under a huge holly tree. Suddenly, Graham is crying and screaming only to find that one of the kids has thrown dirt/sand into his mouth and face. The two other boys were apparently the culprits and they were 3-ish. All I could think was that we were in for a lifetime of this kind of crap. That maybe I was naive to think he wouldn't qualify for his diagnosis this year.

I'm tired. I just want to sleep. And I'm not pregnant again.

Everyone comes home...

2008-04-11T18:57:00.000-07:00

Matt has been in Las Vegas all week at a convention and Buddy has been in a respite home for the week. Graham had been getting sick--which meant he was up intermittently each night. Buddy had his days and nights mixed up. With Matt here--that's doable: he takes one and I take the other. It's broken sleep, but sleep none-the-less. Without Matt, I would get one settled down with a 15 minute break before the other was up again. NO sleep. So I requested respite. Add to it that Cookie went on her first unsupervised visit.

It's been a really nice week. Cookie feels so much like my own that I just felt... I don't know... "normal". I felt like it was me and my two kids with my husband away. There was no trying to adjust to Buddy or being frazzled. Cookie's been here a long time and she's predictable. It was peaceful.

But it's Friday and Buddy came home this afternoon. Matt's plane should be landing in 23 minutes. We had a rough week of it, Matt and I, and it ended with a 4am screaming match last night. I think we were both overtired and upset about being apart. Thankfully, it's okay now.

I'm going to miss Cookie horribly. I'm surprised at how natural it felt to hold Buddy today when he came home. I was starting to feel like if he didn't come back, it was no big deal. I hadn't bonded with him really. I still feel that way--I just didn't realize how accepting I was of him, either. It's somewhat of a relief.

It's raining... so I have a migraine... plus the adrenaline that helps ease the migraine pain. Needless to say, staying up to welcome Matt home won't be too hard.

March 2008 highlights

2008-03-31T22:05:00.000-07:00

CPS confirms that they will not transition the baby home. On 3/9 I contact the baby’s GAL office regarding this matter and the lawyer contacts me stating that she “could not agree with me more”—requesting permission to use my e-mail in communicating with CPS’ attorney. (Subsequent to this, the baby does undergo transitioning).

Maternal aunt advises that the mother has lost both of her jobs (she was working at 2 diners). I relay to CPS and they confirm this—but were surprised to hear it from me as opposed to the mother.

Service provider worker supervising the visits notes that unsupervised visits will not happen until after 5/7 but caseworker tells me that after a 3/17 meeting they will begin in the next week or two for undefined periods of time. The caseworker tells me that the mother will have unsupervised visits for whatever periods of time I would have wanted Cookie to be in daycare (which at this point she is not). CPS also reverses their opinion that the maternal grandmother cannot be a “safe person” for the baby and supports a waiver to allow the grandmother and mother to live together without jeopardizing reunification. Caseworker states that they would prefer the grandmother live with the mother and child in case the mother relapses—they felt the grandmother would notify CPS.

Mother and grandmother move to a place in-county with all household items and furnishings supplied by a local organization and apparently the current service organization supervising visits will note what is missing for Cookie, and mother assumes CPS will supply it. She later notes delivery of a crib, but doesn't mention shopping for it. Mother and grandmother sharing a vehicle since the accident.

Visits start in the mother's home.

Early Intervention agrees to increase therapy to 2 hours/week due to the lack of significant progression and the severity of the baby's hypertonia and some recent regressions. They consider adding a third hour because she is still cognitively delayed. She's 7 months and starts babbling; and eats like a champ.

Ch-ch-ch-chaaaanges...

2008-03-31T17:02:00.000-07:00

Carl left us on 3/11. We really just couldn't take it anymore. He AGAIN tried to throw something at Graham and enough was enough already. I really couldn't take the chance that the judge would keep him in care past 3/20. They sent him HOME and then on 3/20, the older sister was sent home as well (to get her out of the shelter). Graham hasn't even batted an eye. Nor have Matt and I. I don't even really feel bad about it: he didn't belong in a regular foster home. We did well beyond the call of duty.

We have a new resource worker. That's like a caseworker for foster parents. She rocks. When we need something or have a question, she looks up the person we're talking about or the child and gives us the dirt. It's remarkably helpful. Did I mention we like her? LOL! And we find it easy to be honest with her about anything without worrying that she'll judge us. Major plus.

Meanwhile, while he was here, Carl fit in the back seat of the truck. On a lark, we decided to get the extra infant carrier and base from the attic and sure as shootin'... it fit. So Matt and I decided that maybe it would be best to stick to infants. First, I seriously don't have the patience for the older kids. I have NO FLAMING CLUE how I'm ever going to handle Graham at that age. Seriously. We weren't entirely certain we could HANDLE two infants, but it was worth trying.

So Carl left on Tuesday, 3/11 and I e-mailed DYFS on Friday morning to say we could take another infant. Then I spoke to the placement coordinator about the ages we could accommodate with the current vehicle configuration. Monday night, 3-week old Bitty Buddy Bear arrived (aka "Buddy"). He's African-American and has SO MUCH HAIR. He's also been here 2 weeks and has really been miserable. As of today, we changed him over to soy-based formula to see if that helps AT ALL. His mother has had two visits with him. The first she brought an enormous entourage and was told that if she did that again--the visit would be cancelled. The second one, she and her grandmother showed up but the mother left within 15 minutes of the 2-hour visit. Her grandmother (the baby's great-grandmother) stayed.

Buddy has already rolled over 3 times and as of today, he's only 5 weeks old. He went through what LOOKED like withdrawal, but he was born clean (per the tests--which are really not all that sensitive to marijuana, mom's drug of choice). Mom was testing positive after the birth and thus the removal. Apparently, she is from an entire family of DYFS cases (thus the baby is not with a relative). But I think it's too soon to tell whether or not her behavior is indicative of how the case will turn out. Hell, NOBODY thought Cookie would ever go home... and she starts unsupervised visitations soon.

What?!?

2008-03-09T08:34:00.000-07:00

Cookie's caseworker said that DYFS intends to just take her one day--no transition. I told her that THAT would be a letter I would be writing to the judge. I'm also going to e-mail her mother and see if we can get on the same side about it.

I'm addicted to coffee. I'm trying to stop.

Graham is addicted to swimming. I'm trying to encourage! ;)

We're ready for him to leave...

2008-03-09T07:56:00.000-07:00

and Carl IS leaving on 3/20. He doesn't know that yet. It's a matter of whether a judge will send him home, or if DYFS will find a treatment home for him. I don't think he should go home. His lawyer's investigator will be here on Tuesday and she doesn't feel strong about him staying out of his house, then I'm either going to write a letter to the judge or show up in court. This kid has problems. He is certainly responding and certainly getting better--but there really is no way we can provide this level of effort to help him long-term. That's a therapeutic level of care and we have two other kids to consider. We're not set up for that. And we've told him as much.

Manipulative? ALL pre-teens and teens are manipulative. It comes with the territory. But man--this is ridiculous. And you can't even fathom how far he takes it. Then, when it's not working, the fall is really hard. Yesterday, I thought I might actually have to call Mobile Response and have him removed right then and there. I had never seen him so angry in the 3 weeks since he's been here. Matt actually had to get off of a conference call (on a Saturday--so it was an important call) to work with him. The thing is, you can't just do whatever to calm him down. He can't think that he can pull that kind of behavior and get what he wants. We have to work through it. Otherwise, the behavior never changes.

But we are ready for him to leave. We both feel horrible about the fact that we are literally counting the days... but we are.

In the meantime, I saw a beautiful little African-American boy on another state's adoptive photolisting. We were both nervous about adopting outside of our race (we're Caucasian) and the more different a child looked to us, the more worried we were. Part of it WAS us and whether or not we'd be able to look at that child and think it was our own; but another part of it was Matt's family. I'm Caucasian and 1/4 Italian and I am still an outsider. I'll never be one of them. How would it be for a child who was dark-skinned AA? But we both saw the picture and the description and neither of us really cared. He was just beautiful. He's also undoubtedly taken since the profile only marked some speech issues and NOTHING else. We would take more issues, he just doesn't happen to have any per the profile. Of course, the profile doesn't always tell you--but often they give enough info so that if you can "read between the lines", you know there are at least issues even if you don't know exactly what they are. This child had none; but that could be a novice profile writer.

Right now it's just Cookie and I... enjoying the silence. Matt took Graham to karate (he's now a level higher due to his January birthday) and Carl went with them to get out of the house. They're late coming home and I'm hoping that means they got Graham a haircut. I can pray, at least.

February 2008 highlights

2008-02-28T22:02:00.000-08:00

Cookie starts to grab things (although less with her left arm) and physical therapy continues with a new therapist as the old one was coming late. She had rolled over once near New Years, but not since (which is not surprising because she requires her arms to do so). Baby makes it through 2/3 of her 1-hour session before being completely worn out; but making great progress since we follow through daily the rest of the week. Near the end of the month she can hold her bottle briefly and finally starts rolling over again.

Baby starts on solid foods even though she's unable to sit up (this was with doctor's blessing).

Mother warns that grandmother will be at a visit and therefore baby shouldn't be in pink although the mother loves it.

I suffer pneumonia although the kids appear to be fine.

Cookie is returned home not strapped into the carseat. Service provider supervising the visit didn't check after the mother put her in the seat.

Mother has a car accident about 2/15 and waits 3 days to go to the hospital to get checked for significant pain in her chest. She says it was "technically" her fault. About this time she also starts a new job. She cited difficulties with the "bus boy turned manager" and said her mother tried to talk to him as well about giving her more hours before going elsewhere. Her new schedule is between two diners and very demanding.

Mother notes she contacted an organization to help her with things for the place she and her mother will live in starting March because she only has things for Cookie plus a set of pots and pans; but nothing else.

Mother also sends pictures from her visit to my cell phone for the first time.

I am advised by CPS caseworker that there will be no transitioning Cookie home—she will be picked up and moved on a future return date which is contrary to what I was told earlier in the case. I proceed to appeal to the caseworker and her boss about this in writing/e-mail (2/15) citing concerns about the impact to both the child AND the mother.

Poopy regression, new schools and new teeth

2008-02-26T17:41:00.000-08:00

Cookie is getting two new teeth. On top, but not the FRONT teeth--these are the next ones over. So they'll fit over her bottom teeth! LOL! After putting her down for a nap a few days ago, Matt turned to me and said "Does it make me a horrible person to wish her mother would fall off the wagon?". I looked at him. I didn't know what to say because while I never actually hoped it, I would occasionally worry that something had happened in the case and wonder if she HAD relapsed--and briefly thought about what it would be like if the baby could stay. The thing is that we are both so panicked that she's going to relapse when the baby comes home--and do something harmful to Cookie. Her history is SO LONG that the odds are so far out of her favor for staying clean. I'd just rather the baby not have to suffer through whatever could happen. I know Matt feels the same way.

Carl started school today. THANK GOD! Because we were both really having enough of each other. And when I picked him up and asked how his day went, his response was "AWESOME!!". I couldn't even BELIEVE it. Seriously. WHAT a blessing.

Graham, on the other hand, has had some potty training regression. I think the disruption of Carl coming into the house and not quite fitting here right away has taken a mental toll on him. NOTHING like when the girls were here--so he IS getting better with accepting and adjusting to changes in his environment. But potty training has taken a small step backward.

Gotta run!

Fostering IS a job...

2008-02-20T17:33:00.000-08:00

I'm so fortunate the the two foster children I have now come from two counties that "get" that this is truly my JOB. I'm not babysitting. I'm troubleshooting some serious issues and unlike babysitting, I am making recommendations on the course of care (mental and medical) and therapy based on what I'm seeing in my home. That requires careful observation, research and training (that I often have to find for myself). I'm lucky that the two I'm dealing with now respect my opinions and input. That seriously was not the case with the last placements. I was a non-existent babysitter.

For me, it is definitely a job. I think the misunderstanding is that most people would never actually do their jobs if there wasn't a paycheck attached... so to speak about fostering like that makes us sound like it's all about the money when the reality is, you carry the same responsibilities as a job with prerequisites to meet and standards and goals to maintain. You constantly keep yourself current on emerging information and research so that you can meet your objectives the best they can. And they're not our kids. To me, that's a job. And like many of the traditional JOBS out there that enrich peoples lives and make the world a better place, our paycheck has nothing to do with it.

Ugh... I hate when people look at you like you're using these poor kids to gain an income when you refer to fostering as a job. Like it's a money mill. I'm sure people have done it and because I'm a SAHM, we certainly have money left over with Cookie. If I were working, most of (if not all of it) would go to the cost of daycare that the state doesn't cover. But I'm home--so we get to keep that. I spend a lot of it on her, but there's definitely some left over. With the older kids, there's absolutely not a dime left over. Especially in the summer. During the school year, they qualify for free breakfast and lunch (although we never let them eat the school breakfast). Lunch and not being home for morning snack alone saves us a bundle with them. Their clothing is another story and that's really hard. But those are the kids where you actually SEE where you can make a difference with them.

Carl has problems. What's worse is that he's been brainwashed to believe that he has countless, horrible, unfixable problems that will doom him to a life of making other people constantly upset and angry--and him being yelled at. We're all adjusting. But I see clearly the importance of doing my job as a foster parent well. Thankfully, so does the state.

Incoming!

2008-02-15T20:35:00.000-08:00

We took in a new foster placement today. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or what. He's a 12yo boy with blue eyes and screaming red hair. He's small for his age and although DYFS maintains that he's bipolar, he's on Adderall and Clonadine. The latter is the only thing that applies to bipolar. He came with a thick IEP and an Emotional Disturbance classification--so I need to read. Of course, had I read Amanda's IEP--I'd have never taken her. Seriously. The school said the same thing: it was scary. So I'm not sure what to think.

Carl. Graham is BESIDE himself with excitement, but I think I heard Carl snap on him already. Of course, it was day 1. He was removed from his family about 24 hours ago and is already on his second foster placement. His grandmother died last weekend and he's been separated from his parents and all four of his siblings. If I had a 4yo saying my name EVERY 30 SECONDS, I might snap, too. He didn't touch him, but he uttered a gutteral, angry "STOP" to him. And honestly, I'm not even sure that happened, but I think it's what I heard.

I have no clue why we did this. I know DYFS was desperate because they place the kids in their own county, then the neighboring one before getting to mine. The other kids were already placed. Matt and I worry that we won't have the time to devote to Graham that he needs. But then we know Carl will be in school most of the day and we'll have that time with Graham one-on-one. We felt like we're probably exactly the kind of foster parents this kid needs. Matt and I both struggled with what to do about it. We decided to take him, but we put DYFS on alert that our own bio son was dealing with issues. We said that we fully expect there to be issues with Carl, but if Carl drained us to the point where we couldn't properly address Graham's issues--he would need to leave. They understood. I honestly think they were looking at placing him in a group home if we didn't take him.

Unfortunately, it looks like there may be a leak in the back roof... causing damage to our brand new bedroom and possibly soaking the insulation under the walls. Don't even ask me what that means because I can't even swallow the thought at the moment. At minimum, Petunia will move into our bedroom and Carl will use her room until it's fixed. That's seriously the least of it.

I'm nervous. Especially since it will be easily a week before Carl can get into school. What the heck am I going to do with him? Especially with Graham at his heels? Ugh... Why do we do this?

January 2008 highlights

2008-01-31T22:00:00.000-08:00

Cookie passes a hearing test requested by the state. Mother is flagged as a flight risk (1/16) due to comments she made about getting the baby a passport to go to the country the birthfather lives in. CPS also advises the grandmother that if she lived with Cookie’s mother and Cookie was returned to the mother, that the grandmother would be asked to leave based on her CPS case history (1/16). CPS caseworker’s supervisor returns from maternity leave (from late August through approx. 1/18).

Mother also tells me not to allow her aunt to visit with the baby without going through the mother vs. the statement she made in Nov. about allowing her to visit with the baby, but not during her only 2-hour visit (due to the stress between them). CPS says that we can continue to visit with the mother's aunt as a means of maintaining family connection because the mother is engaging in control issues. The mother doesn't let this issue go all month. We add video to the website so the mother can see Cookie laughing. Cookie is sleeping 12 hours/night at this point (she is 5 months old) and through the intermittent drug backlash episodes that had continued through the last month.

Cookie starts physical therapy through Early Intervention--1 hour/week (plus we work with her the rest of the week). Her left arm has a "frozen shoulder" making it worse than the right arm, but after 2 weeks of regular working with her she is moving the left arm (thrashing it). Cookie is seen by an orthopedist to rule out hip dysplasia as her legs don't appear to line up properly (she is cleared). Dr. warns to watch her left leg since neurological damage can affect the entire side of the body and her left arm is clearly more affected than her right one. He sees no physical interference in her shoulders and concurs that her problems are neurological. Cookie is now squawking at our son to get his attention and they are clearly bonded. I contact the Medicaid HMO for approval for a neurodevelopmental evaluation per the CPS nurse’s request (it is approved and scheduled for 4/4).

Mother is preparing for Cookie's return home "soon" buying diapers, clothing, nursery bedding, etc. Caseworker warns that is it possible that the baby could be returned by late March (1/16). CPS attempts to coordinate Early Intervention therapy sessions at the CPS office with both myself and the mother attending in preparation for potential return home. Mother is living somewhere in-county while she and her mother look for an in-county place to live together. In the meantime, local service provider starts supervising visits as some sort of therapeutic/parenting program but they are not happening at the mother's place of residence because the mother claims it is too small for visits.

I am notified of court hearing on 1/30 and advise CPS caseworker’s supervisor that I have no concerns beyond what I assume CPS and the baby’s Guardian ad Litem are not already addressing and therefore see no need to attend or send letter.

I finally met Cookie's mother...

2008-01-12T19:03:00.000-08:00

In late December there was a team meeting that I attended. I knew I'd meet Cookie's mother, and that's partially WHY I went. It was uncomfortable at first because they explained to her (for the first time) what concurrent planning was; and that Matt & I adopting Cookie was her concurrent plan. See, the way it works is that the state works the plan, and simultaneously works a backup plan. We are Cookie's backup plan. Cookie's mother had NO CLUE that this was the situation; and suddenly I wasn't the woman e-mailing her updates of her daughter in hopes of keeping them close--I was someone with an interest in keeping her child. Ick.

After the meeting I told her how bad I felt that she didn't know that, and I reassured her that we weren't out to keep her baby--that we'd never give her so much info and pictures if we were. She hugged me and seemed relieved. But I got an e-mail just a few days ago where she admitted that when she didn't hear back about the baby's hearing test that she momentarily thought that I was trying to keep the baby from her. She said it in the context of knowing how ridiculous it was, but then why say that?

As it is, during the meeting they discussed that every court date is a decision about where the baby will be. The mother took that and ran with it. They have court again on Jan. 30th and she has gone out and bought all kinds of stuff in preparation for the baby coming home--including diapers and wipes. No crib, but all kinds of other things. At the meeting she was told that she couldn't have custody of the baby if she lived with her mother. There was a substantiated claim of abuse against the mother (abuse toward's Cookie's mother, actually) that prevented her from getting custody when Cookie's mother couldn't have it. Now, Cookie's mother claims that neither she nor her mother have any clue what that claim is about. The team told her that her mother should then appeal to have the claim removed; and NOT to move in with her mother until it was removed. Meanwhile, the two have just rented a home to live in.

Cookie's mother is also trying to get her Social Security number. I gave her the head's up that she couldn't claim Cookie on her returns and she says that she knows. Apparently (through the grapevine) she is trying to get a passport to take the baby to central america where the birthfather is. So, he left in June, baby was born in August and he has made no contact with the birthmother, her family or the state. In one e-mail, the mother made reference to him coming back once the baby was back with her--so I wondered if that was her motivation for getting custody. Now I seriously wonder--since she's had no contact with him since. So she's going to take the baby there and say "LOOK! She's here and she's with me!"?? Insanity.

Then there's the situation with the mother's aunt. The mother cut the aunt out of mom's visitation with the baby. At the time, she told the caseworker (or so the cw told me) that she didn't mind the aunt seeing the baby, but she didn't want to give up any of HER time with the baby (which is only 2 hours/week) and certainly didn't need the tension between the two of them around the baby. These were absolutely respectable reasons. Well, after our meeting she found out that I visited with the aunt the day before. The aunt had a Christmas gift for Cookie. That was Dec. 27th and it's still eating at her something fierce. Yesterday's e-mail even asked how often I see the aunt and for how long. This is after telling me via e-mail that if the aunt wanted info about her daughter, she could come to the mother. I gently reminded the mother that SHE cut the aunt out--so if I were her aunt, I would be waiting for the mother to come to me. The mother conveniently chose not to respond to this. Of course, I have conveniently chose not to respond to her subsequent statements about the aunt; and have asked the caseworker if I HAVE to cut her off. The caseworker doesn't seem to think so, but we'll see.

The best is that the state only plans to follow-up on the mother for 3-4 months after she has custody. That little tidbit sent me over the edge. I typed everything up and e-mailed it to the baby's lawyer's office. The investigator called me within the hour and set up an appointment to come out on Wednesday. Honestly, all I really want is for the state to follow the mother for a full year. If they'll do that, I won't make a stink. Especially if that includes drug testing. The mother doesn't realize that she can't leave the country while the state still has supervision of her. As it is, I think that will make her nuts for 3-4 months. If it's a year that she can't go hunting for the birthfather, I think she will actually hand the baby back over.

Meanwhile, the physical therapist was here yesterday and said that Cookie definitely has hypertonia. I cried. I also wrote the whole thing up for mom, the caseworker and the state nurse. And I included the information that this is damage to the baby's central nervous system. The nurse wants a neurodevelopmental evaluation done on the baby and I already have the names from the Medicaid HMO for the local developmental neurologists. I didn't forward THAT info to the mother. But I wonder if she will realize that this COULD be a lifelong issue, or if she will, as usual, look at it like everything is going to be fine--just give her that baby so she can use her to chase down the birthfather.

Given that the baby has some physical markers for Fetal Alcohol Syndrome/Effect and now the news that she has hypertonia, I asked Matt what we would do if she were seriously disabled? If we would still want to adopt her? I seriously wondered if Matt would want to keep her (assuming it goes that route). I wondered if the problems with Graham would have Matt believe that we would be short-changing Graham in some way. I actually wondered how wise it would be myself. I had to ask Matt a few times to get a straight answer out of him. The last time I asked, he looked at her and she responded with just the happiest little smile in the world. He turned to me and said "How could we not?" I was so relieved. I never imagined loving her this much--problems and all; but I do. I can't believe that we are faced with the potential of a lifetime challenge, and not even thinking twice about it. I told Matt "We just can't manage to GET a normal kid in this house, can we?" and he said "Maybe that's our purpose."

He might be right.

December 2007 highlights

2007-12-31T21:58:00.000-08:00

Visits continue with the mother. Mother expresses concern (via e-mail) about the judgment of medical professionals about her drug use (12/5) and I reassure here that this has never happened. We set up a website of photos of the baby that she can view anytime. Mother requests a letter from the pediatrician that she can use to apply for a Social Security Number (because she is unable to get hold of valid documents to do so). I redirect her to CPS.

Baby undergoes a comprehensive medical exam through a state facility. Resulting suggestions are rec’d in mid-January but have already been addressed.

We have a visit with the mother's maternal aunt who has a Christmas gift for the baby. The aunt notes that the mother is attending 6 group therapy session plus two Alcholics Anonymous meetings each week.

We send a clay handprint in a frame for her for Christmas. She sends us some soap and lotion. Baby comes home from Christmas visit with easily 3 large bags of gifts (this includes some from family). All are age-appropriate. I meet the mother at a Dec. 27 status meeting where she finds out (for the first time sober) that our state is a concurrent planning state and that our family is a backup plan for Cookie if the mother can't finish her case plan. The mother and I get to speak after the meeting and I assure her that we are not out to get her daughter; and that she should never let anyone convince her otherwise. I reminded her about how we'd gone to great lengths to ensure she knew her daughter's every detail and always had pictures. People "out to get" other people's children wouldn't do that. She hugged me and cried a little with relief and thanked me. She e-mails next day to thank me again and for our support. At some point prior to this a bonding assessment and/or psych evaluation related to parenting was done, but I do not get the results.

Mother starts purchasing items for when Cookie returns despite being told by CPS to focus on saving her money as it will be quite a while yet. Mother has an e-mail that states that the father will come back when he sees the baby is with her (12/7). I share with her that my sister-in-law enters rehab for drinking (she has post-partum depression from a birth in August).

November 2007 highlights

2007-11-30T21:56:00.000-08:00

At some point prior to 11/6, mother makes a statement to CPS that she would relinquish her parental rights if Cookie goes to her biological father.

Visits with the mother continue without problems. Only issues are between the mother and her relatives. Mother states that her aunt and sister can no longer attend visits. She tells CPS they can see the baby, just not during her 2-hour visit with her due to the stress. The mother starts e-mailing me from a different account--directly. Mother questions the lazy eye, but at this point Cookie is under 6mo old and the doctors will not acknowledge it as it is common for infants under 6mo.

Cookie continues to have withdrawal backlash episodes that last up to 4 days long. Cookie is evaluated by Early Intervention and qualifies for severe hypertonia. She is barely able to move her arms as they are usually "frozen" into a straight, shoulder-back position. They will begin physical therapy on the premise that infants grow cognitively through physical input--so addressing the physical issues should automatically help the cognitive delays she showed. Baby is now sleeping from 8-9pm through to 6-7am (11/29). Also waking up quiet and happy; and begins to suck on her first two fingers for comfort when she’s tired.

We send the mother a detailed, but not identifying, description of our family (11/29) after a series of back-and-forth misunderstandings through a transport worker.

We give the mother a coupon for a free 8x10 photo session at Picture People and I call to make the appointment for her during their visitation time after confirming with caseworker that they will hold the visit at the mall. Mother asks us not to dress the baby in pink every visit as the grandmother hates pink although the mother loves it. Father is still absent and without contact with CPS.

I'm feeling better, but dreading the holidays...

2007-11-16T11:49:00.000-08:00

The court case went mediocre. Nothing changed. The judge asked what the state's plan was if the mother couldn't get into inpatient treatment and they said that she would be re-evaluated after her intensive outpatient treatment to see where she stands. The mother undergoes psychological evaluation and bonding assessment in mid-December to see if she's even capable of parenting the baby... who we now call "Cookie". It avoids calling her by her name... just in case we run into people who have met the mother. Since mom works in the area as a waitress and the baby has a very uncommon name, it's a concern--if only for mom's privacy.

The caseworker and I discussed that the mother is probably capable of getting custody again. The problem is that we agree she could land back in foster care. The caseworker said that if the baby came back into state care, their goal would NOT be reunification with her mother. Unfortunately, depending on how long that took, we're not sure we would adopt her. When you think of the damage that could happen in that time that could never be recovered, well, it's hard to say. It breaks my heart to even think about it; although Matt and I said that if we didn't have vehicle space when she came back into care we would get a new vehicle so that we could take her. So I guess there really ISN'T much to think about.

And I'm dreading the holidays. We're spending Thanksgiving at my brother-in-laws with his wife's family (my in-laws are a tiny family by comparison). My SILs family is well-meaning, but nosy and kind of in-your-face. Before I had Graham, one of her aunts said to me "When are YOU gonna have a baby" (insert Italian accent). I thought that I had the perfect comeback: "You believe in God--right?" (insert look of astonishment) "Of course!" So I told her "When God wants us to have a baby, we'll have one.". She chuckled and said "Well, sometimes God need a little help--huh?" and laughed. There's no winning. There are pretty much no boundaries.

So I dread the holidays and having to deal with the countless people telling us how they "could NEVER do it--they would be too attached" and how wonderful we are to foster children--which makes me want to SMACK them. I feel like I went to their house for dinner, used their bathroom, and found it so repulsively dirty that I needed to clean it--rude as it seemed. And then they THANKED me for it. You just want to scream "YOU SHOULD BE TOO ASHAMED TO MENTION THIS AT ALL!!!!". That's how I feel. First I want to say "Well, good thing there are cold, heartless, unfeeling bastards like me and Matt who CAN do it". Matt says we should just go over-the-top with the responses and say "Well, you barely have to feed her so the money is great--how could you pass THAT up!". We've come up with some happy mediums. Like "It's a shame that you can't get over that so that some child can know what it's like to live in a loving family instead of a group home or a hospital where the only attention they get is to be fed..." or "It's not about me and my feelings, it's about making sure that we help those who have nothing else... because we'll get over it when they leave, but they'll never get over not living in a home." I really just don't want to hear it. It makes me sick to even think about it, really.

I don't even know where to start...

2007-11-06T18:39:00.000-08:00

The baby's mother goes to court tomorrow. I have no idea what they'll do, but it worries me to think that this child will go back to the mother and wind up in foster care again. Honestly, Matt and I really don't have a problem with her LEAVING if she goes to a good situation. I know he means it by the way he says things and I want to jump out of my skin saying "YES!!! EXACTLY!!!". And forget trying to call her by a different name. It just feels wrong for so many countless reasons and yet, we don't know what to do about mom's privacy. The baby has such an uncommon name and mom works with the public. If they continue to allow the mother visitation, it's going to be difficult for us to come to terms with the possibility of her going back to her mother. The mother's been an addict for too long. She's been clean for a year and gone back. She's already lost a child to drugs and continued to go back to using. She went to jail, stayed clean after coming out, and STILL went back to using. It's been at least 8 years that we know of.

October 2007 highlights

2007-10-31T21:54:00.000-07:00

Baby continues to have problems with feeding, burping and gas. She is still having fits of inconsolable crying related to lasting 4-5 days each week. Allergenic formula constipates her badly (treated with pear/prune juice per Dr. orders). We receive a list of goals from a Medicaid HMO caseworker, but have already addressed all of them.

Mother e-mails from the psych hospital once and says she is pending move to rehab (which never happens). Mother is accepted to a mother-child rehab program and CPS refuses to give approval. Mother has acceptance to an inpatient program that doesn’t include Cookie but wants to attend a mother-child program and will not give in despite CPS’ refusal.

Mother leaves psych hospital approx. 10/18 and is living with her mother (Cookie’s maternal grandmother) in another county approx. 1 hour away). The mother’s maternal aunt states that the mother and grandmother drive daily to our county for mother’s methadone treatment.

Mother continues to look for an inpatient program that accepts patients on methadone maintenance. She attends an outpatient program. Visits resume. Mother starts attempting to get our name and location through a novice transport worker (in our state, CPS does all visitation transports and foster parents are COMPLETELY anonymous unless placement is with relative/friend).

Baby had finished the height of the withdrawal but appears to have withdrawal backlash episodes soon after the visits with her mother. Father is still absent and without contact with CPS. Early in the month there is suspicion that he is in the state. Mother's e-mails state that "he'll be back".

She's back... it wasn't good

2007-10-01T13:04:00.000-07:00

Apparently the birthfather's brother and his wife & kids were at the visitation. They took some pictures and were pleasant, but didn't say a word about the situation and changed the subject when it was brought up. The transporter said there was clearly tension between the birthparents families.

The maternal grandmother was griping about being given once/month visits. She was livid that she had sold her trailer and relocated to be with her granddaughter and is now going to see her once/month. The mother's sister told the baby "Mommy's going to get you back--she just made a mistake,". A mistake? An 8-year long mistake? Apparently they called the birthmother and put her on the phone with the baby.

Of course, they couldn't get the baby to burp during the feeding--so she took a total of 1-1/2 oz. instead of her usual 2-3 oz. (sometimes 4). Great.

And the maternal grandmother's sister--that aunt we e-mail with--made it there later. Apparently the grandmother doesn't want to discuss things in her sister's presence. Maybe because she knows that the aunt doesn't feel the grandmother should have the baby; and I think the grandmother wants her after all.

So I called the caseworker to clarify visitation. But I also want to know when the uncle came into the picture. This morning? That would explain why she didn't say anything... but if not this morning, why didn't she say something? And what are his intentions? How did he gain access to the baby when there's no proven relation? I don't understand that...

I'm sure I won't get a call back before Wednesday or Thursday. Great.

My head hurts...

2007-10-01T11:31:00.000-07:00

I get some truly awful PMS. This month was bad again--and I think the caffeine (necessary because of the baby's schedule) is exacerbating it.

The baby is at visitation right now. The caseworker said that while birthmom is in the psych ward of the hospital, they won't let the baby visit her; but as a show of good faith, they will allow her mother to visit with the baby. The transporter that picked her up said that the uncle would be visiting today. I'm a little surprised.

So far, there's been no contact from the birthfather. But the uncle she's speaking of is undoubtedly paternal. The mother's aunt was certain that it wasn't someone from her family. So now I'm wondering: does this mean that the father made contact? At minimum, the father's family made contact... right?

I'm nervous about what will happen after the mother has detoxed and is no longer under the influence. Will she actually straighten out? Will she just straighten out long enough to get the baby back? Will it be a complete roller coaster? (duh).

What about the father...? The caseworker told me last week that if he comes back, he has to do a DNA test to establish paternity--he can't just sign the birth certificate and paternity affadavit. If he doesn't establish paternity, then his family has no greater standing than we do in terms of keeping her. I wouldn't have thought that.

In the meantime, Matt and I had all our bloodwork taken for the maternal-fetal medicine appointment tomorrow. My mother-in-law is going to watch Graham and Matt's actually going to come with me. I'm really nervous about it. I wonder if that has played into my mental mayhem this weekend. Poor Matt. I don't even know what to do for him. I put him through the wringer this weekend. And while everything I said was absolutely true and valid, I probably didn't need to tell him all of the things I was thinking. I could've kept them to myself. It's old business and the last month, things have been getting better.

It was a rough weekend for sure. But then the transport picked up the baby this morning and I promptly engaged my little Graham (who I kept home today). We played 15 minutes of "Look at MY funny face!"... and the cloud lifted. I had honest-to-God one-on-one time with him... and there was nothing but love and joy from him. And all was right with the world. Thank God. I almost didn't want to put him down for a nap.

I don't know where my life is going. I don't know who I can cling to. I know Graham loves me, and that's where it ends. But for now, I'm grateful that that is enough.

September 2007 highlights

2007-09-30T21:52:00.000-07:00

e-mail from mother’s maternal aunt says that the biological father (via his brother) states that he wants custody of the baby in his home country, but father makes no contact with CPS.

Cookie is hospitalized for severe milk and soy protein allergy for 4 days. Mother is escorted to see Cookie at the hospital briefly. Cookie then enters unmedicated methadone withdrawal at our home. Her mother becomes homeless and misses the Citizen Review Board (a citizen-based court-affiliated independent review of the case) review meeting where I meet the mother's maternal aunt (who has the most contact with CPS at this point).

Baby is gaining weight well and beginning to sleep 4-6 hours/night (9/19).

Grandmother arrives and states she had no intention of taking custody. They run a background check anyway but she's unable to be cleared for custody due to prior CPS case between herself and baby's mother. Both say they have no idea what the issue was, but it was apparently a substantiated case when the mother was 17.

Mothers visits are suspended after visits are cut short for her showing up under the influence. Visits continue with grandmother. Mother self-admits herself to psych hospital on Sept. 19th.

Psychological evaluation disqualifies the mother from a treatment program. Her current drug/rehab caseworker is ready to close her case for lack of desire for help. All of this per CPS caseworker.

While in the psych hospital she tries to arrange visitation in the hospital despite CPS telling her it was inappropriate. Mother goes as far as calling upon security and hospital administration to make these arrangements anyway, but CPS remains firm that the visits will not happen in-hospital. Mother is unable to qualify for in-patient rehab due to the level of her methadone dose (very high). Father is still absent and without contact with CPS.

Oh my goodness...

2007-09-19T18:25:00.000-07:00

I got an e-mail from the aunt. The birthmother checked herself into the psych ward of the hospital she gave birth in. She intends to stay there until there is a place available in a rehab that will take her and the baby together. I know that the caseworker said long ago that the mother said things that made the state feel a mother-child rehab wouldn't be allowed; but not knowing what those things were, I'm not sure how they will stand up and whether or not there is truly a possibility that this will happen.

The aunt spoke to the birthfather's brother--who said that his mother would take 20 children if she could. The father is not in the US, but is in another central american country with his grandmother--who is ill. Apparently he also has some business dealings there as well. He has a cell phone, but the country he is in has very limited signal/access. The brother will continue to try to contact the father and has the caseworker's info--and knows that the caseworker is bilingual.

I'm not attached to her yet; but I'm attached to the idea of another baby being part of our family. Thank goodness she's too young to interact with us yet. Thank GOD--because then it would be easy to actually bond and attach to her. We really adore her, but it's not like she's ours. Life works the way it should even when we don't understand: we're preparing for something better. We have to have faith. Matt and I really do. We're so much more at peace knowing that if it is supposed to be, it will be; and that if it is not, we're preparing for what's to come. There's a reason she is here with us... we just don't know what that reason is yet.

She had her first bath tonight. She didn't love it. We don't have any pictures of it, but to be fair, we don't have pictures of Graham's either. Matt was on the couch with a very sleepy Graham (who DID fall asleep) and I had my hands full keeping her safe in the water of the kitchen sink (where Graham had his first bath, too... I see now how easy it is to attach to a house!). Her little stomach was so upset and she'd been miserable for an hour. She barely ate at her last feeding and she had 3 little skidmark diapers. I had slacked off on her pear juice for the last two days. She's supposed to have it to fight off constipation from the prescription formula. So I thought a warm bath would help. Right before the bath, she passed a poopy diaper. I bathed her anyway. That's still 2 poops for the day--so if she was constipated, it wasn't that bad.

So Graham is sleeping and the baby is on Matt's shoulder. And I type... my therapy.

More shoes...

2007-09-19T13:50:00.000-07:00

The birthmother DID show up for her psych evaluation yesterday. I know that without it, she couldn't go to rehab. But I don't know if the insurance issues were remedied--so I'm not sure she's GOING to rehab. I guess we'll know next week.

Her last drug screen came back having been tampered with or altered--so it gets recorded as "positive". The caseworker said it was "fake". Not sure what that meant exactly, just that she was hiding reality. I don't know if this was last weeks test or Monday's test.

The caseworker said they've already tried to find the father with no luck. She explicitly said that the father's family would just have to make contact on their own--they were done seeking him out. When I told her that the birthfather was here on a visa that has since expired, she sounded like she might look into finding him that way; but I couldn't tell. I think she said she was going to contact the birthfather's brother (he's co-owner of a local business), but I don't recall. I got the impression that the ball was in their court and if they didn't make contact--too bad. Except that it's too bad for US if the baby goes adoptive. Geesh... could you see THAT coming back to bite us when she's, say, 10? Or 15?

So at the moment, we're awaiting approval for her request to suspend visitation. She told me that they would likely stop for a while. I believe they will stop until the mother is in a program. If she can't get into the inpatient program because of insurance and has to do an outpatient program, I wonder if they will require that she test clean before they start visits again. I hope so. Who knows.

I hope the aunt has some info on the rehab situation. Since her aunt enlightened me to how she does well in structured settings and falls apart otherwise, part of me hopes she can't go inpatient. It will just prolong the whole thing. I don't know. Maybe it won't. Maybe it doesn't matter where she goes. The reality is: it doesn't. What's meant to be is just going to be and we have another 8 months to get through before we know whether or not they consider terminating the parents rights. How those months are spent by the mother is irrelevant compared to the end result. If she goes to rehab for 6 months and tanks in the 6 weeks after she's out, the result will be the same. If she doesn't go inpatient and tanks every step of the way, it's not going to make the wait any shorter.

Little Fuzzball. Sweet, STINKY, fuzzball.

Wish she thought we were stable

2007-09-18T16:36:00.000-07:00

So I got an e-mail from the aunt. She said she spent the day in bed yesterday, which she says is extremely out of character for her. She thinks the stress of the last 6 weeks must be catching up to her and while her age doesn't usually show, she feels it's coming into play now.

The aunt got a few messages from the birthmom. The last one this morning asked that the aunt contact the birthfather's brother to ask him if the birthfather or their parents could take the baby so that she can have a stable life. All I could think was "I wish she thought the baby could have a stable life with US.". The aunt said she's not sure what to make of the message--that it could be a ploy to get to the birthfather. The aunt feels that the birthfather's brother wouldn't take custody. I'm not sure what to make of that; but she's been pretty dead-on with everything else. I want to believe her... but I don't know.

The aunt also got all the same info we got: that the birthmother was living under a bridge (via voicemail from birthmother herself--aunt was surprised because the mother knows her way around the services); that the phone call to her mother didn't go well; and that she was still "impaired". None of it suprised the aunt.

I called the caseworker who was on the phone with the birthmother's caseworker from the drug treatment program. The caseworker was supposed to call me back, but I called at 4pm and she's off at 5pm. No call back. I'm anxious to know what transpired today. Did she show for the evaluation? Did her attitude change? What's going on?

So I sit and wait for more answers...

Wondering...

2007-09-18T12:17:00.000-07:00

I haven't received an e-mail back from the birthmother's aunt for a few days. I even e-mailed her an update about yesterdays visitation and still nothing. I know her sister (birthmom's mother) arrived in town and that birthmother has a psych evaluation today. I wonder what kind of mayhem is going on as I sit and type this. What is this family dealing with? How much arguing and stress are they enduring? What kind of things are being yelled at one another? What deals are being made? What convincing is being done.

Baby's crying...

SOME questions answered...

2007-09-17T13:16:00.000-07:00

Well, visitation today was a disaster from the word "go"...

Birthmother was so enraged and screaming at the caseworker that the caseworker didn't drive her to the visit--she had to find her own way. And she did. Her friends left her there saying "Get it together, girl... get it together...". The transporter (who supervises the visits) said the friends were clearly not the kind of people you wanted to be around. The mother was livid that I sent her a new picture of the baby via her aunt (who she's not speaking with) and didn't know why I was giving the baby juice at this age (even though I had sent an update that this was under the orders of the GI so that the prescription formula didn't constipate her). The mother tried to feed the baby (as my note said she should) but didn't remember to burp her. Of course, an hour after getting home, the baby passed more gas than I've ever seen. I was a little surprised that it happened that soon after eating and wondered if it was caused or coincidence. Not sure.

The mother told the transporter that she was living under a bridge since being evicted. The transport told her she could stay in a shelter and gave her the address of one (she used to work there). The mother said she was going to get it taken care of. The mother also used the transporter's cell phone to call HER mother--telling her to come see the baby. That phone conversation ended in profanity.

The transporter text-messaged the caseworker about the mother's altered state and the caseworker came in and cut the visit short. When she asked the mother whether she would test positive for drugs if they tested her right now, the mother said "Yes". When the caseworker asked what kind of drugs she was on, the mother changed the subject.

The caseworker cut the visit short. The mother insisted on putting the baby back in the car seat, but was being so rough with the baby that they were worried she'd hurt the baby. The mother was going on and on telling the baby that her uncle was going to get custody of her and that she'd be out of foster care soon. Just delusional. I wonder which uncle she's referring to: her brother (does she have a brother?) or the father's brother (who we know lives right here). The caseworker refused to get in a car with her.

So I have no idea if visitation truly will be suspended or not. Knowing the state, anything's possible. I think the mother took a drug test today; but the caseworker didn't have the results of the test taken last week. She says this one was done "under duress" which means she'll get the results quicker. The mother is supposed to show up for a psychological evaluation tomorrow--a prerequisite to inpatient rehab. We'll see if she shows up.

So at least there's a few questions answered... for now.

Maybe we should really work on bonding with her...

2007-09-16T15:19:00.000-07:00

Probably not. But it's tempting. We're making an effort to build bonds of attachment with her now. I can see Matt doing it, too. We're trying to let ourselves love her. Of course, when Graham was a newborn we had the same hesitation--and he was our own. As if it weren't real.

I went to the placement review on Friday and met the birthmother's aunt. We had coffee after the review. She's really a wonderful lady. Between the placement review and the coffee afterward, I found out that the baby's mother had done 2-1/2 years in jail back in her home state for drug-related charges. When she came out, she moved here--into her aunt's house. For about a year, she was on-track, employed and paid out thousands of dollars in fines. Then she fell off the wagon again. I found out that the birthmother is my age and bi-polar on top of the drug problem. Her older child went to live with his father 7 or 8 years ago, but back then she didn't fight DYFS about it: she had the presence of mind to know that her child would be better off there. She and her sister were living in an apartment that was leased in the name of the baby's father--and the women are being evicted. The mother still is not in a treatment program, but finally submitted to a drug test on Wednesday or Thursday of last week. As of Friday morning, the caseworker didn't have the results (which I don't believe for a minute). Visitation will proceed tomorrow as scheduled unless the caseworker feels the mother is under the influence again. If she is, the visits will be suspended. Prior, she said that if the mother tested positive again visits would be suspended. I don't know what will happen now.

It's also in question whether or not the baby's father is truly out of the country. The birthmother says he is not--that he's here. The brother of the baby's father has told the aunt that he is in fact back in their home country. But the caseworkers contact information was sent to the birthfather on Wednesday or Thursday. If he doesn't contact the caseworker by the end of this week, I will assume he's pretty much out of the picture. The caseworker believes the father is here, but I have no idea what she's basing that on. It appears to be a hunch.

Our feelings have changed since Friday. Matt and I have both taken a different tone towards the baby. Without a word between us about it, we are both trying to treat her like she is our own. People think you just instantly get attached to them because they're in your home--living with you like your own child. You just don't. It's so "in your face" that they're not yours. When the baby has an angry face on (trying to poop of course) you don't look at her and say "OH! That's uncle John's face!". You wonder whose face it is--and if they're violent. It's a very strange and very distancing feeling. When you put on the gloves you're supposed to when you change her diaper, you are again reminded that she may have Hepatitis C. You wonder if she actually has it and wonder how long her mother has been infected with it--and if that length of infection could affect the baby's odds of having it. There are hundreds of those little things that just poke at you--reminding you that she's not yours. I don't think it's something you could believe until you're experiencing it. I'm sure that as time wears on--we'll get attached. But it takes longer than people think. Much longer.

Now we're trying. I think that as it becomes more likely that she's staying longer, we worry more about the repercussions of NOT bonding with her or not being cuddly enough with her. Before, we didn't really think about it: she wasn't going to be here long enough for it to make a difference because her grandmother was coming up to take custody. Her father wanted her, too--and he was described as a completely upstanding person. She wouldn't be here long. But the grandmother had an open physical abuse case and charges (the abuse being against the baby's mother) back in 1988; and the father STILL has not made contact with DYFS. Her mother STILL isn't in a treatment program. The chances that she'll "go home" are dwindling as each day goes by. Her aunt says that she finally convinced her sister (the baby's grandmother) that the baby should be adopted out. The grandmother is 69. She'll be in her 80s by the time the baby is in middle school.

I want to run out and buy pink bedding for her bedroom but Matt believes it will jinx us. I feel like if it's meant to be, we can't actually jinx it--right?

Go figure that the one we thought would be the quickest to leave might be the one to stay...

The plot thickens...

2007-09-13T12:27:00.000-07:00

So, at this point the baby's best hope at getting out of foster care is if her presumed father steps up and then passes the evaluations. It doesn't look great that he left and hasn't stepped up YET, but if he passes the stuff, he can have custody. If he's not an addict and has no charges against him, it's likely as good as done.

The mother's aunt is a bit over-the-top with wanting the baby to be adopted out. She wants permanency for the child at any cost and she doesn't understand that it's a process. In her mind, the baby has been taken away from her addict niece... so put her somewhere that she can grow up. The aunt doesn't seem to "get" that the mother has the opportunity to clean up her act; and is being given the chance to prove that she can or can't do that. She's seen the niece try to get clean for years without doing so. She wants to cut to the chase.

According to the caseworker, the mother has refused to do her last 2 drug tests... which puts her on record as an automatic "positive". If she refuses another, her visitations will be cancelled because she appeared under the influence at the last one. And apparently, the fact that this is a substance abuse case means that the baby could be adopted out much quicker. They can TEST to see if mom is still abusing. They can't do that for neglect or physical abuse, etc. How odd to say "what a blessing". Come to find out that the state was involved in taking away her 12yo son, also. They put him in his father's custody, but she lost him none-the-less. She also managed to dodge her substance abuse caseworker--who contacted the state out of concern for the baby that they knew must've been born by now. That caseworker was unable to find the mother, but knew that she had tested positive during pregnancy. The story is that the mother has been in a program that she participates in when she feels like it. She STILL has not enrolled in an inpatient program and she's not adhering to the outpatient one. It's not likely she's going to get clean.

So it's down to the father. I have to wonder how badly he wants the baby if he hasn't stepped up yet. I won't even try to guess at how he feels or what he could be thinking.

Now I just have to wonder: will this little person be OURS at some point? How very strange...

This poor child...

2007-09-10T17:01:00.000-07:00

The baby's visitation was cut short today. The transporter (who also supervises the visits) said that the mother was clearly impaired. She was worried the mother was going to drop the baby. The transporter said that she is cancelling the visits for the next two weeks unless the caseworker wants to supervise them herself and take responsibility for whatever may happen. Of course, I was told this off-the-record. The worker said that in her 3 years doing this, she'd never seen something like this. I asked her how many newborns with drug-addicted moms she'd seen. She said she'd seen a few--and the mothers were usually trying to clean up. It wasn't anything like this. Meanwhile, the baby arrived in her carrier with the top harness latched but the bottom one--the stronger one--was not. The mother had put the baby in the carrier and I guess the worker was so flustered she didn't even double-check. She said that even she forgets that latch is there sometimes. (?!?!?)

I had spoken to the caseworker earlier in the day to get the results of last week's court date. They still had not received the file from out-of-state to investigate the "red flag" that showed up on the grandmother, but apparently the judge decided that with the charges that existed against the maternal grandmother (charges?!) there was no way she was a consideration for custody. So the grandmother is out. I wonder if the mother was banking on HER mother getting custody so that the birthmother could have access to the baby without having to clean herself up. Maybe this news sent her off the deep end. I don't know. I can't even pretend to understand.

I asked the caseworker about the prospect of the birthfather getting the baby. She said that right off the bat: 1) she had no request or contact from the father expressing interest; and 2) the father was not here to sign the birth certificate--so they'd have to establish paternity before anything else was done. I e-mailed the aunt to tell her that if the father was interested, he needed to speak up. But I wonder if the aunt would relay this information... hoping that her niece will get her act together to take the baby instead of the baby going out of the country where the family will never see her again.

And in other news, the birthmother refused to take her last drug test; but the caseworker said it really didn't matter much because the judge will assume it's going to be positive until the mother is enrolled in a program. Apparently, the mother didn't understand that the drug testing was related to her custody case. (????) And while she complied with doing the substance abuse evaluation per her case plan, she did not enroll in a program like she was supposed to. There was apparently an insurance problem since the mother doesn't have Medicaid. But I got the impression that there was more that the mother could have (and should have) done that didn't get done. And I found out that the state will not pay for her rehab. They don't do that. So I have no idea what's going to happen.

I don't know how long they will give the mother to get it together. There's that whole "15 of the prior 22 months" guideline that they don't HAVE to follow... (if the child is in care for 15 of the prior 22 months, they can terminate the parent's rights). Someone on the foster parent board said that where she is, the judges give parents of newborns 1 year to get it together and then they terminate. I know that the documentation I've seen says that they do a review at 5 months, and then again at 10 months and if the child is still in care--they start moving into a permanency plan. By the same token, I know of at least one case here where the baby is about to be 3yo--in care since birth--and still not finalized for adoption. Very frustrating. I don't know if it's my state, or the county handling that case. I know that county-to-county, things vary GREATLY.

Speaking of which, I got my first check for the baby. I have no idea if this is the increased rate or the regular rate for her. I did NOT get a check for the girls! I'll wait until tomorrow before I call about that, but I'm livid because I thought they might try to stiff us! They pro-rated our pay when they came in 6 days before the end of the month. There's no reason they wouldn't prorate it when they left 9 days into the month. I had to feed them! (and with those two, that's where most of our pay went... there and the $300 water bill that I just got).

August 2007 highlights

2007-08-31T21:47:00.000-07:00

August 3, 2007: Our foster daughter is born positive for methadone (very high dose) and cocaine. Father is named and is suspected to be in central America, but makes no contact.

August 8, 2007: CPS places Cookie in our home for foster care pending the arrival of her maternal grandmother to take custody "in 2 weeks". We are told that the mother's prior child (a son) was removed and given to his biological father 9 years prior due to the same drug problem. CPS tells us that the mother's rights were terminated, but because she didn't fight this she was entitled to a case plan for Cookie. The family insists mom did not lose parental rights. When Cookie was born, mom had been fighting for visitation with this child but her drug problems were interfering.

late August, 2007: grandmother has not arrived. Cookie has one 2-hour visit with her mother every week. We set up an anonymous e-mail account to relay information to the mother quicker than going through the caseworkers. At this point, the mother's maternal aunt is receiving the e-mails, printing them and giving them to her although she does e-mail us once from the aunt's house to thank us and explain her side of what happened (unsolicited). We also print our e-mails out and send them for visits along with pictures. Cookie has an EEG to rule out convulsions (due to witnessed tremors and strange jerks) and sees the Infectious Disease doctor for baseline bloodwork for Hepatitis C (mother was positive for it). Infectious Disease doctor notes physical indicators of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

We spend out of pocket money when we need to change formulas due to allergic reaction.

And things keep changing...

2007-08-25T07:31:00.000-07:00

I never got to finish cleaning my room. The good news is that every surface got dusted and vacuumed--just not wiped with cleanser or put back nicely. Let's appreciate what we have--shall we?

The baby's caseworker told me yesterday that birthmom is doing more drugs--not less. She qualified for inpatient rehab... which means she's really bad. The caseworker believes it is a 6-month program; and said that the state is not thinking of allowing her to go into a mommy and baby program because of some things she said to the caseworker. I THINK that's what she said... I was on the cell phone at the county fair and couldn't hear her very well. And as far as the maternal grandmother goes, they requested a file from the state she lives in to investigate that "red flag" and see if it's something that would prevent her from getting custody, but nobody knows how long it will take to GET the file.

We're (thankfully) not attached to her yet... but if grandmother doesn't get custody soon like they're working on, I'm going to guess we will get attached to her. I'm not sure what would be worse, really. The child deserves to feel that kind of love and that's our job. We'll get over it. If she's going to a good situation, so will she.

Anyway... this morning she had blood in her poop. I'm concerned. I have no clue what this could be. Since we moved her to the allergenic formula, things have gotten progressively better. In fact, she's sleeping at night. Sometimes she actually has to be woken to eat in the middle of the night. Hallelujah! Minimal fussiness or gas. No more inconsolable crying (although I know it can return any time over the next few months). By all counts, she looks great. Except for the blood in the poop. Of course, my only experience with that is food allergies. Her formula has soy and cow's milk, but the proteins are pre-digested--so they SHOULDN'T be a problem. I have no clue what else it could be... so I've put it out to all the experts I know before taking her to a clinic. We shall see.

I'm starting to love her. But it's weird: it's the way you feel about someone else's child. I don't know quite how to describe it, but it feels like when you're babysitting someone else's baby that you completely adore being around--but don't mind when they have to go home. I wonder how long it will take for that to change to feeling like I don't want her to go. Staring at a 6-month stay while mom is in rehab makes me nervous about that.

Trying to settle in...

2007-08-14T06:58:00.000-07:00

So mom's great-aunt e-mailed for her. I sent back all that I had sent the caseworker and great-aunt responded that the mom would be thrilled. She will see the mom this morning. This morning I offered that if mom had some receiving blankets she could sleep with, I could wrap the baby in them so that the scent of her mother is always familiar to her. It would make things easier for the baby when she goes home.

I'm also tending to Graham. It seems like I've neglected HIM. He certainly requires quite a bit of attention and I seemed to have forgotten that attachment parenting is putting MY things aside to tend to his needs when HE needs me--not when my stuff is done or it's convenient for me. And I haven't been doing that. I feel horrible about it because I can see it manifesting in his behavior... just like our neglected dogs.

I think maybe it's a good thing we don't have a bigger vehicle and we can't take in the number of kids we're licensed for. I think we'd be spread too thin. We'll just stick to this for now. And we'll stick to kids younger than Graham so that we know he's always safe.

And I wait

2007-08-13T13:06:00.000-07:00

So the first thing I did was to log into my anonymous e-mail account to sit and wait for the baby's mom to e-mail me. It's driving me crazy. I want her to e-mail me! I want to send her the updates I sent the caseworker. I want her to see that I'm NOT crazy (what irony--right?). I want her to relax at least a little bit. I want her to focus on her case plan so she can have her baby back.

WRITE, DAMN IT!

What a strange feeling...

2007-08-13T12:28:00.000-07:00

And again, I feel horrible about it.

The baby's caseworker calls this morning for an update. She's not in today so she didn't get the e-mail I sent. I tell her. I also tell her that if the mother were unable to complete her plan and there were no suitable relatives for placement, we'd be interested in the baby. She figured--since most foster parents that take newborns are.

She tells me the maternal grandmother won't be able to make it here on Wednesday as previously planned. Something went wrong with her house sale. She should be here by late August. I ask if the grandmother looks promising--knowing all the background work wasn't complete yet. The caseworker said there was one red flag that needed to be looked into further--so at this point, it was unknown as to whether it would be an issue. They can't tell me specifics and that's fine--it's not really my business. But I appreciate her telling me what she can in terms of progress.

The baby came back from her first visit with mom and everything was in her bag just as it had left... plus a picture of mom (and dad I assume?) and a tiny teddy bear. The pictures I sent for her were still in the bag. I think she may not have seen them because I'm sure she'd have taken them. She asked the transport worker about me--worried about who her baby was with and the transport said I seemed nice and concerned for the baby. She pointed out that I was willing to e-mail the mother. It doesn't matter. This woman must be completely frantic about her baby being with strangers. I know they're in this position for a reason, but I feel her panic for her--and it concerns me about her ability to focus on her own issues that need to be tended to so that she can get her baby back. I hope that by allowing her to e-mail me (through an anonymous account) that she will feel SOMEwhat more at ease and able to take care of herself. Suddenly, I find myself overwhelmed with wanting to help this family reunite.

So I will put the picture and the teddy bear in the baby's cradle, and see if I can drop the pictures off at the DYFS office for the county so she can pick them up. I feel badly that she didn't get them. I know she's aching for them.

She's our first infant placement...

2007-08-13T05:35:00.000-07:00

I really am going out of my way to help the birthmom. I put together a little suitcase memory box with her hospital bracelet and umbilical cord stump. I offered to take pictures of her each week. I started a first year calendar for her. Then this feeling came over me and I thought "Wow, these might be mine someday". Apparently mom has lost her rights to her first child--eight years ago. Her drug history is very long and very bad. They're not hopeful about her coming through this.

It's not like I'm attached to her. But then I wasn't attached to Graham at this point, either. I spent a whole pregnancy not knowing if he'd arrive--so I'm familiar with the feeling; but most other people insist that if I'm even considering that she might stay, I must be attached and in denial. It's infuriating. I have no feeling for her yet. In fact, I have to remind myself to kiss her and snuggle her. I have to make it a point to talk to her. I feel like I'm babysitting--so trust me, I'm not attached yet. And likely that's because of the situation. So far for us, fostering makes you feel like they could leave at any minute. So you're preparing for it all the time. I realize we're relatively new at this so maybe that will change.

Out with the old and in with the new...

2007-08-09T11:06:00.000-07:00

So, Lena and Amanda left an hour ago to live with their paternal grandmother. They are thrilled. I did what I could to help Amanda. I spoke with her attorney and scanned and sent her documentation. I called the state ombudsman office. I even called CASA (although it's too late for that now). I wrote up all kinds of instructions (unfortunately in English) for the grandmother and told the state worker that transports the girls that she needed the section on Amanda's speaking to be read to her--that she needs to understand those guidelines to help Amanda.

But they're gone. And it's okay. I'm okay. I'm almost a little relieved. Graham, on the other hand, astounded us. He saw the girls putting all of their stuff in the state van and said "Are the girls going home?". After 3 months of living with us, he "got" that they weren't "ours". I made the mistake of saying "yes"... after all, since when does that stuff register with him? (background: he has an autism spectrum diagnosis and had an extremely hard time adjusting to their arrival). Well it did--and he was SO UPSET. If I would've said "No, they're going to the doctor,"--he'd have been completely fine. I'm so stupid. He was also really tired and due for a nap--which didn't help. For a minute, he stood at our door with his head on his arm crying "But I miss them so so much...". I cried and cried. I was okay with the girls leaving; but I never wanted this for my son. I shouldn't have said that to him. I should've treated it like camp and he'd have been fine--like he was for camp.

Meanwhile, we took in a new baby last night. So I packed the girls before the baby came in and as a result, it was a pretty smooth transition. She's so TINY...! She wasn't premature--just low birth weight. Mom & baby tested positive for cocaine and morphine at birth. The documentation says that baby was exposed to cocaine and methadone. Oddly enough, that means she'll live a far more normal life than the child of a pregnant drinker.

And mom appears to love her child. She has resided bedside to the baby (holding her every moment) until she was discharged. The maternal grandmother is coming in from Texas to potentially take custody in 2 weeks... so we have no idea how long she'll be here. Last night was rough. She really likes to be held! And she appears to be allergic to dairy protein--so I've switched her formula to soy. We'll see how it goes.

The baby came from my local county office and they have been WORLDS better in giving me information about the case. I think I never want to take another out-of-county placement in my life! No kidding--I got more information about court dates and team meetings in 24 hours than the other office gave me in 3 months. And honestly, it's good that the caseworker is keeping us informed so that we don't get too attached. Now I just want to help this baby and her mom instead of keeping her. I wouldn't have been able to let myself believe she was staying anyway, but the thought would've crossed my mind once in a while and I may have fantasized about it. Now I won't do that. It won't change how I treat her: I know a baby NEEDS love to form healthy attachments. So love is my job here! :)

I kind of like this job.

What to do... what to do...

2007-08-03T14:43:00.000-07:00

So the girls got to speak to their mother and I got a feel for what "developmentally disabled" meant for this case. She came across like a 6yo. I started to wonder how she managed to keep custody of her kids for so long, but apparently both sets of grandparents have been helping.

They also got to speak to the grandmother here--and I use the word "speak" loosely because the grandmother is WORLDS less functional in English than I thought and the girls don't speak a word of Spanish. It's really concerning that they want to put the girls there when Amanda has such a significant speech and language delay.

Aaaaand, in updating the caseworker on Amanda's IEP meeting, it is discovered that the caseworker doesn't know that Amanda has a psychiatric diagnosis. :O I scan the evaluation and e-mail it to her along with a copy of Amanda's IEP from the last school--which notes that her primary language is Spanish. :O again. Ugh...

So I told Lena about what was going on. She actually took it well. I think she really "gets" that there's not a good answer here. She doesn't appear panicked or anxious--but now I'm getting that way. Now I'm really concerned about them leaving to live with their grandmother (gm) here. I keep wondering what this will do to Amanda's communication skills long-term. I keep thinking that if the gm can only take 2, take the boys: the youngest is under 3yo and the longer he's in care, the more likely he is to see his foster mom as his MOM. Wouldn't that be a bigger problem? The mom is staying at the grandmother's house during the day--so whichever kids go there will see their mother a LOT.

I don't know. And the caseworker hasn't said anything yet. I know that they know where the girls are going for respite care--which is two weeks from today. But they're not telling me. When I got calls for vacation/respite care, I got them a day or two before the kids were due to arrive even though they knew about the need long ahead of time. But if the girls are going to stay with their grandmother, they MUST know THAT. We'll be returning on Thursday and the girls have visitation that day. We told the caseworker they can come home after visitation and we'll be here. But there's a court date the day before that could determine that they're leaving. How nauseating.

Meanwhile, the girls got to speak to their brother tonight. He's 9, but man does he sound like a YOUNG 9. When the 2yo got on the phone, Lena had tears falling down her face. I felt so bad for her.

I don't even care what happens anymore. I just want to know so we can adjust and move forward.

Sometimes, I feel like I could love them...

2007-07-31T17:30:00.000-07:00

Not often. We just got off the phone with the family of my foster daughters. This is the grandparents and their older sister in the midwest. At the end of the call I sent them up to brush hair and teeth, wash faces and hands, and get into their pajamas. I set up the next call with the grandmother and then I come up the back stairs (near their bathroom) only to hear them completely giddy and playing together in the bathroom. It's not a big bathroom--there's JUST enough room in there for the two of them. But it's already 8:30pm and I want them to get to bed. I jokingly yell (over the sound of the fan in the bathroom) "Girls! I'm going to start timing you!". Lena happily yells back "How much time do we have?". I respond "15 minutes!".

I then hear them hurrying each other and laughing and helping each other and laughing. They're happy because they just spoke to their family; but they're happy... and I love it.

Tomorrow we'll try to call their grandmother here.

Right now I've got to get those little buggers to bed, return a call to a fellow foster parent, then make some time for my little peanut. I think he feels a little lost in the shuffle. I'm really grateful that we have one-on-one time two full days/week during the school year. No girls. No daddy. Just me and my peanut. I'm looking forward to alot of days laying on the lawn and dreaming up stories about clouds shaped like dogs. ;)