This is the 6-month permanency hearing. CPS2's goal remains "reunification". The report notes that the mother is now pregnant again, but still without employment or housing (she continues to live in a shelter).

Our lawyer files a motion to Terminate Parental Rights (TPR) and motion to adopt. This is acknowledged in court, but not explored. Another hair follicle test is requested on the mother and the results will dictate whether or not the case goes to court in October or wait until the regularly scheduled status hearing in December.

I visit with Cookie for about an hour. She tolerates leaving well enough. She remembers me but it doesn't appear to be a strong connection.

Judge requests that our visits be observed by an objective party that can evaluate our bond/relationship.

We are unhappy with the lack of progress on the case and hold a garage sale (with donated goods) to raise funds to cover a retainer for a new attorney.

I left home yesterday and arrived yesterday afternoon. I met a foster parent friend from online for early supper and drove through a horrible storm to my hotel.

I had today to myself.

I caught up on articles I was supposed to have written for the last month. That's about it.

Before I left, I managed to identify a ton of "garage sale" stuff in the attic. Matt and I agreed that 99% of it would be donated if it didn't sell. It has to go.

I had already identified a number of eBay items. They will go with us.

We're narrowing down the details of the relocation. The spring market is not projected to be any better than the fall market... but we really should've been listed by Labor Day to take full advantage. Now it's a matter of rolling the dice on what's left of the fall market, or waiting for the spring market. I'm not sure what would be worse.

Meanwhile, tomorrow is the hearing for Cookie. My lawyer filed a motion requesting a jury trial to terminate the parental rights, give us custody and allow us to adopt; plus a separate motion to visit her. I guess we'll see what happens. Her current foster parents truly would rather not adopt her unless it's an absolute last resort and she'd be going to a stranger if they didn't. So we are planning for her to come home at some point.

I'm scared. I'm afraid that all of this upset will have a permanent and negative effect on her. I'm afraid of what her mother's going to do just from us filing the motion. I'm afraid we'll spend a lot of legal fees for nothing. I'm afraid of what all of this is going to do to our current family. I'm afraid of all of it.

I just need to hand it over.

At end of July mother's hair follicle test is positive for cocaine but at a lower level than the April test. Caseworker notes that recent urine tests are negative and that mother has been weaned off of methadone.

The hearing is uneventful. There is a lawyer covering for ours (who is out due to medical issues). We had prepared to testify for custody but do not. It is stated in court that the ICPC study had not been received but court stamps later show it was received several days before the court hearing.

I opt not to visit with Cookie so as not to upset her again at the end of the visit like last time.

I'm out of state for Cookie's hearing tomorrow and so help me: if it COULD go wrong, it is...

My lawyer is still out from her surgery and the covering lawyer... well, he gets back from vacation today and as of 4pm local time, still didn't have the info on the case. I'll meet him at court tomorrow. :(

My lawyer's office subpoena'd the mother's drug test results and criminal history but it looks like her third drunk driving offense from back home may not be in their files.

Plus, the baby's lawyer is accepting that the drug test is still not back instead of signing on to push for it.

Before all of this, I just felt at peace that whatever was meant to happen was going to happen; and that life would be fine if we lost tomorrow... that our family unit could go back to living a normal life (or to the extent that we could manage to create a normal life given the current relocation crap).

But now I'm anxious. Why can't I just hand it over? I guess I just feel like maybe I should've been more on top of things and now this child will suffer as a result. But that's very self-important of me. I'm doing what I'm capable of doing to protect her and in the end, God will have to protect her if I fall short. He will spare her like he spared me. I'm not completely in control of the situation.

I wish I could have peace the way I had about it this morning as I drove from the airport. I felt CLOSURE.

I love Cookie. I don't hate her mother, but I do feel she needs protection from her mother. I don't even hate the idea that if we lose tomorrow, she will feel empowered. She'll feel like she won, but she will still have a battle to fight... even if she gets Cookie back.

I just need to be strong.

June 15, 2009 (Mon): CPS2 caseworker called me and wanted a letter from us stating that we didn't want any financial assistance because we're licensed foster parents and that usually means the baby gets a board check, Medicaid, etc. They wanted to process the ICPC as a kinship placement but they would need a letter stating that we'd be fully financially responsible for her.

I told her that we couldn't cover the baby under our own insurance--we've checked for her and even for our adoptive daughter. So she needs Medicaid. And in our state, birth-to-three/Early Intervention therapies are not free--you pay for them. If she's a foster child, they're free. So that would need to be covered.

I advised her that we didn't need the board and clothing stipends--but that she needed the Medicaid and the Early Intervention services covered because our income is too high to qualify for them for her as a "relative".

We got the word today that Matt's job is being moved to IL, and despite his telecommuter status--we have to relocate.

Part of me is E-FRIGGIN-LATED that something will move Matt's butt out of this house.

But the other part of me is sad and scared. I was ready to leave the house, but not altogether ready to leave the area. I know where everything is. I'm starting to have real friends here. I'm going places with Matthew and running into families I know from other things. It's comforting.

I know the towns and the real estate markets and the laws and the politics (although I hate it). I know where the good doctors are and where my holistic version of "House" is. It's just "home". Not this town or this house, but this area.

I think we're going to probably find a multifamily to live in first. We planned here to sell this house, buy a multifamily as a primary residence, live there a while and reduce our outgo--learn the property's quirks, then rent that unit out and move into another multifamily... continuing to sock away money until we get to our final landing spot. At least doing it this way with the relocation allows us to be closer to the city and his office in case he actually needs to be IN the office. We'd have a year or two for that situation to firm up. We'd also have a year or two to figure out where we really want to be longer-term--before we buy land and plant ourselves.

In the meantime... No clue how this will affect Cookie coming to us. IF she comes to us. And maybe the terms of the relocation won't affect any of it at all...

May 6, 2009: Cookie’s birthfather called from his home country and is supportive of our regaining custody of Cookie as long as he can remain in contact with her. He is adamant that Cookie not be returned to her mother. I heavily encouraged him to contact CPS2 since he is pretty much non-existent (not named on the birth certificate and really only exists as a name there since he's never seen the baby, etc.). I gave him the number, the name of the caseworker and the name of her supervisor. He says he'll call.

I asked why he can't come for 2 weeks as "pleasure travel" and he said he can't even come for a single day without a visa. The maternal aunt advised that he can't come to the US because he stayed past his visa time illegally last time he was in the US.


May 19, 2009: Mother fails to appear for court because she is in the hospital and awaiting admission to a psychiatric hospital (she is self-admitting). She had a car accident on 5/14 in the car registered to her mother, who lives out of state.

CPS2 states that the father has not made contact yet.

Motion to intervene is granted. Next court date is set for July—giving the mother sufficient time to recover and show progress.

I visit with Cookie at CPS2 office. She clearly remembers me and is very upset when I have to leave.