Visits continue with the mother. Mother expresses concern (via e-mail) about the judgment of medical professionals about her drug use (12/5) and I reassure here that this has never happened. We set up a website of photos of the baby that she can view anytime. Mother requests a letter from the pediatrician that she can use to apply for a Social Security Number (because she is unable to get hold of valid documents to do so). I redirect her to CPS.

Baby undergoes a comprehensive medical exam through a state facility. Resulting suggestions are rec’d in mid-January but have already been addressed.

We have a visit with the mother's maternal aunt who has a Christmas gift for the baby. The aunt notes that the mother is attending 6 group therapy session plus two Alcholics Anonymous meetings each week.

We send a clay handprint in a frame for her for Christmas. She sends us some soap and lotion. Baby comes home from Christmas visit with easily 3 large bags of gifts (this includes some from family). All are age-appropriate. I meet the mother at a Dec. 27 status meeting where she finds out (for the first time sober) that our state is a concurrent planning state and that our family is a backup plan for Cookie if the mother can't finish her case plan. The mother and I get to speak after the meeting and I assure her that we are not out to get her daughter; and that she should never let anyone convince her otherwise. I reminded her about how we'd gone to great lengths to ensure she knew her daughter's every detail and always had pictures. People "out to get" other people's children wouldn't do that. She hugged me and cried a little with relief and thanked me. She e-mails next day to thank me again and for our support. At some point prior to this a bonding assessment and/or psych evaluation related to parenting was done, but I do not get the results.

Mother starts purchasing items for when Cookie returns despite being told by CPS to focus on saving her money as it will be quite a while yet. Mother has an e-mail that states that the father will come back when he sees the baby is with her (12/7). I share with her that my sister-in-law enters rehab for drinking (she has post-partum depression from a birth in August).

At some point prior to 11/6, mother makes a statement to CPS that she would relinquish her parental rights if Cookie goes to her biological father.

Visits with the mother continue without problems. Only issues are between the mother and her relatives. Mother states that her aunt and sister can no longer attend visits. She tells CPS they can see the baby, just not during her 2-hour visit with her due to the stress. The mother starts e-mailing me from a different account--directly. Mother questions the lazy eye, but at this point Cookie is under 6mo old and the doctors will not acknowledge it as it is common for infants under 6mo.

Cookie continues to have withdrawal backlash episodes that last up to 4 days long. Cookie is evaluated by Early Intervention and qualifies for severe hypertonia. She is barely able to move her arms as they are usually "frozen" into a straight, shoulder-back position. They will begin physical therapy on the premise that infants grow cognitively through physical input--so addressing the physical issues should automatically help the cognitive delays she showed. Baby is now sleeping from 8-9pm through to 6-7am (11/29). Also waking up quiet and happy; and begins to suck on her first two fingers for comfort when she’s tired.

We send the mother a detailed, but not identifying, description of our family (11/29) after a series of back-and-forth misunderstandings through a transport worker.

We give the mother a coupon for a free 8x10 photo session at Picture People and I call to make the appointment for her during their visitation time after confirming with caseworker that they will hold the visit at the mall. Mother asks us not to dress the baby in pink every visit as the grandmother hates pink although the mother loves it. Father is still absent and without contact with CPS.

The court case went mediocre. Nothing changed. The judge asked what the state's plan was if the mother couldn't get into inpatient treatment and they said that she would be re-evaluated after her intensive outpatient treatment to see where she stands. The mother undergoes psychological evaluation and bonding assessment in mid-December to see if she's even capable of parenting the baby... who we now call "Cookie". It avoids calling her by her name... just in case we run into people who have met the mother. Since mom works in the area as a waitress and the baby has a very uncommon name, it's a concern--if only for mom's privacy.

The caseworker and I discussed that the mother is probably capable of getting custody again. The problem is that we agree she could land back in foster care. The caseworker said that if the baby came back into state care, their goal would NOT be reunification with her mother. Unfortunately, depending on how long that took, we're not sure we would adopt her. When you think of the damage that could happen in that time that could never be recovered, well, it's hard to say. It breaks my heart to even think about it; although Matt and I said that if we didn't have vehicle space when she came back into care we would get a new vehicle so that we could take her. So I guess there really ISN'T much to think about.

And I'm dreading the holidays. We're spending Thanksgiving at my brother-in-laws with his wife's family (my in-laws are a tiny family by comparison). My SILs family is well-meaning, but nosy and kind of in-your-face. Before I had Graham, one of her aunts said to me "When are YOU gonna have a baby" (insert Italian accent). I thought that I had the perfect comeback: "You believe in God--right?" (insert look of astonishment) "Of course!" So I told her "When God wants us to have a baby, we'll have one.". She chuckled and said "Well, sometimes God need a little help--huh?" and laughed. There's no winning. There are pretty much no boundaries.

So I dread the holidays and having to deal with the countless people telling us how they "could NEVER do it--they would be too attached" and how wonderful we are to foster children--which makes me want to SMACK them. I feel like I went to their house for dinner, used their bathroom, and found it so repulsively dirty that I needed to clean it--rude as it seemed. And then they THANKED me for it. You just want to scream "YOU SHOULD BE TOO ASHAMED TO MENTION THIS AT ALL!!!!". That's how I feel. First I want to say "Well, good thing there are cold, heartless, unfeeling bastards like me and Matt who CAN do it". Matt says we should just go over-the-top with the responses and say "Well, you barely have to feed her so the money is great--how could you pass THAT up!". We've come up with some happy mediums. Like "It's a shame that you can't get over that so that some child can know what it's like to live in a loving family instead of a group home or a hospital where the only attention they get is to be fed..." or "It's not about me and my feelings, it's about making sure that we help those who have nothing else... because we'll get over it when they leave, but they'll never get over not living in a home." I really just don't want to hear it. It makes me sick to even think about it, really.

The baby's mother goes to court tomorrow. I have no idea what they'll do, but it worries me to think that this child will go back to the mother and wind up in foster care again. Honestly, Matt and I really don't have a problem with her LEAVING if she goes to a good situation. I know he means it by the way he says things and I want to jump out of my skin saying "YES!!! EXACTLY!!!". And forget trying to call her by a different name. It just feels wrong for so many countless reasons and yet, we don't know what to do about mom's privacy. The baby has such an uncommon name and mom works with the public. If they continue to allow the mother visitation, it's going to be difficult for us to come to terms with the possibility of her going back to her mother. The mother's been an addict for too long. She's been clean for a year and gone back. She's already lost a child to drugs and continued to go back to using. She went to jail, stayed clean after coming out, and STILL went back to using. It's been at least 8 years that we know of.

Baby continues to have problems with feeding, burping and gas. She is still having fits of inconsolable crying related to lasting 4-5 days each week. Allergenic formula constipates her badly (treated with pear/prune juice per Dr. orders). We receive a list of goals from a Medicaid HMO caseworker, but have already addressed all of them.

Mother e-mails from the psych hospital once and says she is pending move to rehab (which never happens). Mother is accepted to a mother-child rehab program and CPS refuses to give approval. Mother has acceptance to an inpatient program that doesn’t include Cookie but wants to attend a mother-child program and will not give in despite CPS’ refusal.

Mother leaves psych hospital approx. 10/18 and is living with her mother (Cookie’s maternal grandmother) in another county approx. 1 hour away). The mother’s maternal aunt states that the mother and grandmother drive daily to our county for mother’s methadone treatment.

Mother continues to look for an inpatient program that accepts patients on methadone maintenance. She attends an outpatient program. Visits resume. Mother starts attempting to get our name and location through a novice transport worker (in our state, CPS does all visitation transports and foster parents are COMPLETELY anonymous unless placement is with relative/friend).

Baby had finished the height of the withdrawal but appears to have withdrawal backlash episodes soon after the visits with her mother. Father is still absent and without contact with CPS. Early in the month there is suspicion that he is in the state. Mother's e-mails state that "he'll be back".

Apparently the birthfather's brother and his wife & kids were at the visitation. They took some pictures and were pleasant, but didn't say a word about the situation and changed the subject when it was brought up. The transporter said there was clearly tension between the birthparents families.

The maternal grandmother was griping about being given once/month visits. She was livid that she had sold her trailer and relocated to be with her granddaughter and is now going to see her once/month. The mother's sister told the baby "Mommy's going to get you back--she just made a mistake,". A mistake? An 8-year long mistake? Apparently they called the birthmother and put her on the phone with the baby.

Of course, they couldn't get the baby to burp during the feeding--so she took a total of 1-1/2 oz. instead of her usual 2-3 oz. (sometimes 4). Great.

And the maternal grandmother's sister--that aunt we e-mail with--made it there later. Apparently the grandmother doesn't want to discuss things in her sister's presence. Maybe because she knows that the aunt doesn't feel the grandmother should have the baby; and I think the grandmother wants her after all.

So I called the caseworker to clarify visitation. But I also want to know when the uncle came into the picture. This morning? That would explain why she didn't say anything... but if not this morning, why didn't she say something? And what are his intentions? How did he gain access to the baby when there's no proven relation? I don't understand that...

I'm sure I won't get a call back before Wednesday or Thursday. Great.

I get some truly awful PMS. This month was bad again--and I think the caffeine (necessary because of the baby's schedule) is exacerbating it.

The baby is at visitation right now. The caseworker said that while birthmom is in the psych ward of the hospital, they won't let the baby visit her; but as a show of good faith, they will allow her mother to visit with the baby. The transporter that picked her up said that the uncle would be visiting today. I'm a little surprised.

So far, there's been no contact from the birthfather. But the uncle she's speaking of is undoubtedly paternal. The mother's aunt was certain that it wasn't someone from her family. So now I'm wondering: does this mean that the father made contact? At minimum, the father's family made contact... right?

I'm nervous about what will happen after the mother has detoxed and is no longer under the influence. Will she actually straighten out? Will she just straighten out long enough to get the baby back? Will it be a complete roller coaster? (duh).

What about the father...? The caseworker told me last week that if he comes back, he has to do a DNA test to establish paternity--he can't just sign the birth certificate and paternity affadavit. If he doesn't establish paternity, then his family has no greater standing than we do in terms of keeping her. I wouldn't have thought that.

In the meantime, Matt and I had all our bloodwork taken for the maternal-fetal medicine appointment tomorrow. My mother-in-law is going to watch Graham and Matt's actually going to come with me. I'm really nervous about it. I wonder if that has played into my mental mayhem this weekend. Poor Matt. I don't even know what to do for him. I put him through the wringer this weekend. And while everything I said was absolutely true and valid, I probably didn't need to tell him all of the things I was thinking. I could've kept them to myself. It's old business and the last month, things have been getting better.

It was a rough weekend for sure. But then the transport picked up the baby this morning and I promptly engaged my little Graham (who I kept home today). We played 15 minutes of "Look at MY funny face!"... and the cloud lifted. I had honest-to-God one-on-one time with him... and there was nothing but love and joy from him. And all was right with the world. Thank God. I almost didn't want to put him down for a nap.

I don't know where my life is going. I don't know who I can cling to. I know Graham loves me, and that's where it ends. But for now, I'm grateful that that is enough.

e-mail from mother’s maternal aunt says that the biological father (via his brother) states that he wants custody of the baby in his home country, but father makes no contact with CPS.

Cookie is hospitalized for severe milk and soy protein allergy for 4 days. Mother is escorted to see Cookie at the hospital briefly. Cookie then enters unmedicated methadone withdrawal at our home. Her mother becomes homeless and misses the Citizen Review Board (a citizen-based court-affiliated independent review of the case) review meeting where I meet the mother's maternal aunt (who has the most contact with CPS at this point).

Baby is gaining weight well and beginning to sleep 4-6 hours/night (9/19).

Grandmother arrives and states she had no intention of taking custody. They run a background check anyway but she's unable to be cleared for custody due to prior CPS case between herself and baby's mother. Both say they have no idea what the issue was, but it was apparently a substantiated case when the mother was 17.

Mothers visits are suspended after visits are cut short for her showing up under the influence. Visits continue with grandmother. Mother self-admits herself to psych hospital on Sept. 19th.

Psychological evaluation disqualifies the mother from a treatment program. Her current drug/rehab caseworker is ready to close her case for lack of desire for help. All of this per CPS caseworker.

While in the psych hospital she tries to arrange visitation in the hospital despite CPS telling her it was inappropriate. Mother goes as far as calling upon security and hospital administration to make these arrangements anyway, but CPS remains firm that the visits will not happen in-hospital. Mother is unable to qualify for in-patient rehab due to the level of her methadone dose (very high). Father is still absent and without contact with CPS.

I got an e-mail from the aunt. The birthmother checked herself into the psych ward of the hospital she gave birth in. She intends to stay there until there is a place available in a rehab that will take her and the baby together. I know that the caseworker said long ago that the mother said things that made the state feel a mother-child rehab wouldn't be allowed; but not knowing what those things were, I'm not sure how they will stand up and whether or not there is truly a possibility that this will happen.

The aunt spoke to the birthfather's brother--who said that his mother would take 20 children if she could. The father is not in the US, but is in another central american country with his grandmother--who is ill. Apparently he also has some business dealings there as well. He has a cell phone, but the country he is in has very limited signal/access. The brother will continue to try to contact the father and has the caseworker's info--and knows that the caseworker is bilingual.

I'm not attached to her yet; but I'm attached to the idea of another baby being part of our family. Thank goodness she's too young to interact with us yet. Thank GOD--because then it would be easy to actually bond and attach to her. We really adore her, but it's not like she's ours. Life works the way it should even when we don't understand: we're preparing for something better. We have to have faith. Matt and I really do. We're so much more at peace knowing that if it is supposed to be, it will be; and that if it is not, we're preparing for what's to come. There's a reason she is here with us... we just don't know what that reason is yet.

She had her first bath tonight. She didn't love it. We don't have any pictures of it, but to be fair, we don't have pictures of Graham's either. Matt was on the couch with a very sleepy Graham (who DID fall asleep) and I had my hands full keeping her safe in the water of the kitchen sink (where Graham had his first bath, too... I see now how easy it is to attach to a house!). Her little stomach was so upset and she'd been miserable for an hour. She barely ate at her last feeding and she had 3 little skidmark diapers. I had slacked off on her pear juice for the last two days. She's supposed to have it to fight off constipation from the prescription formula. So I thought a warm bath would help. Right before the bath, she passed a poopy diaper. I bathed her anyway. That's still 2 poops for the day--so if she was constipated, it wasn't that bad.

So Graham is sleeping and the baby is on Matt's shoulder. And I type... my therapy.

The birthmother DID show up for her psych evaluation yesterday. I know that without it, she couldn't go to rehab. But I don't know if the insurance issues were remedied--so I'm not sure she's GOING to rehab. I guess we'll know next week.

Her last drug screen came back having been tampered with or altered--so it gets recorded as "positive". The caseworker said it was "fake". Not sure what that meant exactly, just that she was hiding reality. I don't know if this was last weeks test or Monday's test.

The caseworker said they've already tried to find the father with no luck. She explicitly said that the father's family would just have to make contact on their own--they were done seeking him out. When I told her that the birthfather was here on a visa that has since expired, she sounded like she might look into finding him that way; but I couldn't tell. I think she said she was going to contact the birthfather's brother (he's co-owner of a local business), but I don't recall. I got the impression that the ball was in their court and if they didn't make contact--too bad. Except that it's too bad for US if the baby goes adoptive. Geesh... could you see THAT coming back to bite us when she's, say, 10? Or 15?

So at the moment, we're awaiting approval for her request to suspend visitation. She told me that they would likely stop for a while. I believe they will stop until the mother is in a program. If she can't get into the inpatient program because of insurance and has to do an outpatient program, I wonder if they will require that she test clean before they start visits again. I hope so. Who knows.

I hope the aunt has some info on the rehab situation. Since her aunt enlightened me to how she does well in structured settings and falls apart otherwise, part of me hopes she can't go inpatient. It will just prolong the whole thing. I don't know. Maybe it won't. Maybe it doesn't matter where she goes. The reality is: it doesn't. What's meant to be is just going to be and we have another 8 months to get through before we know whether or not they consider terminating the parents rights. How those months are spent by the mother is irrelevant compared to the end result. If she goes to rehab for 6 months and tanks in the 6 weeks after she's out, the result will be the same. If she doesn't go inpatient and tanks every step of the way, it's not going to make the wait any shorter.

Little Fuzzball. Sweet, STINKY, fuzzball.

So I got an e-mail from the aunt. She said she spent the day in bed yesterday, which she says is extremely out of character for her. She thinks the stress of the last 6 weeks must be catching up to her and while her age doesn't usually show, she feels it's coming into play now.

The aunt got a few messages from the birthmom. The last one this morning asked that the aunt contact the birthfather's brother to ask him if the birthfather or their parents could take the baby so that she can have a stable life. All I could think was "I wish she thought the baby could have a stable life with US.". The aunt said she's not sure what to make of the message--that it could be a ploy to get to the birthfather. The aunt feels that the birthfather's brother wouldn't take custody. I'm not sure what to make of that; but she's been pretty dead-on with everything else. I want to believe her... but I don't know.

The aunt also got all the same info we got: that the birthmother was living under a bridge (via voicemail from birthmother herself--aunt was surprised because the mother knows her way around the services); that the phone call to her mother didn't go well; and that she was still "impaired". None of it suprised the aunt.

I called the caseworker who was on the phone with the birthmother's caseworker from the drug treatment program. The caseworker was supposed to call me back, but I called at 4pm and she's off at 5pm. No call back. I'm anxious to know what transpired today. Did she show for the evaluation? Did her attitude change? What's going on?

So I sit and wait for more answers...

I haven't received an e-mail back from the birthmother's aunt for a few days. I even e-mailed her an update about yesterdays visitation and still nothing. I know her sister (birthmom's mother) arrived in town and that birthmother has a psych evaluation today. I wonder what kind of mayhem is going on as I sit and type this. What is this family dealing with? How much arguing and stress are they enduring? What kind of things are being yelled at one another? What deals are being made? What convincing is being done.

Baby's crying...

Well, visitation today was a disaster from the word "go"...

Birthmother was so enraged and screaming at the caseworker that the caseworker didn't drive her to the visit--she had to find her own way. And she did. Her friends left her there saying "Get it together, girl... get it together...". The transporter (who supervises the visits) said the friends were clearly not the kind of people you wanted to be around. The mother was livid that I sent her a new picture of the baby via her aunt (who she's not speaking with) and didn't know why I was giving the baby juice at this age (even though I had sent an update that this was under the orders of the GI so that the prescription formula didn't constipate her). The mother tried to feed the baby (as my note said she should) but didn't remember to burp her. Of course, an hour after getting home, the baby passed more gas than I've ever seen. I was a little surprised that it happened that soon after eating and wondered if it was caused or coincidence. Not sure.

The mother told the transporter that she was living under a bridge since being evicted. The transport told her she could stay in a shelter and gave her the address of one (she used to work there). The mother said she was going to get it taken care of. The mother also used the transporter's cell phone to call HER mother--telling her to come see the baby. That phone conversation ended in profanity.

The transporter text-messaged the caseworker about the mother's altered state and the caseworker came in and cut the visit short. When she asked the mother whether she would test positive for drugs if they tested her right now, the mother said "Yes". When the caseworker asked what kind of drugs she was on, the mother changed the subject.

The caseworker cut the visit short. The mother insisted on putting the baby back in the car seat, but was being so rough with the baby that they were worried she'd hurt the baby. The mother was going on and on telling the baby that her uncle was going to get custody of her and that she'd be out of foster care soon. Just delusional. I wonder which uncle she's referring to: her brother (does she have a brother?) or the father's brother (who we know lives right here). The caseworker refused to get in a car with her.

So I have no idea if visitation truly will be suspended or not. Knowing the state, anything's possible. I think the mother took a drug test today; but the caseworker didn't have the results of the test taken last week. She says this one was done "under duress" which means she'll get the results quicker. The mother is supposed to show up for a psychological evaluation tomorrow--a prerequisite to inpatient rehab. We'll see if she shows up.

So at least there's a few questions answered... for now.

Probably not. But it's tempting. We're making an effort to build bonds of attachment with her now. I can see Matt doing it, too. We're trying to let ourselves love her. Of course, when Graham was a newborn we had the same hesitation--and he was our own. As if it weren't real.

I went to the placement review on Friday and met the birthmother's aunt. We had coffee after the review. She's really a wonderful lady. Between the placement review and the coffee afterward, I found out that the baby's mother had done 2-1/2 years in jail back in her home state for drug-related charges. When she came out, she moved here--into her aunt's house. For about a year, she was on-track, employed and paid out thousands of dollars in fines. Then she fell off the wagon again. I found out that the birthmother is my age and bi-polar on top of the drug problem. Her older child went to live with his father 7 or 8 years ago, but back then she didn't fight DYFS about it: she had the presence of mind to know that her child would be better off there. She and her sister were living in an apartment that was leased in the name of the baby's father--and the women are being evicted. The mother still is not in a treatment program, but finally submitted to a drug test on Wednesday or Thursday of last week. As of Friday morning, the caseworker didn't have the results (which I don't believe for a minute). Visitation will proceed tomorrow as scheduled unless the caseworker feels the mother is under the influence again. If she is, the visits will be suspended. Prior, she said that if the mother tested positive again visits would be suspended. I don't know what will happen now.

It's also in question whether or not the baby's father is truly out of the country. The birthmother says he is not--that he's here. The brother of the baby's father has told the aunt that he is in fact back in their home country. But the caseworkers contact information was sent to the birthfather on Wednesday or Thursday. If he doesn't contact the caseworker by the end of this week, I will assume he's pretty much out of the picture. The caseworker believes the father is here, but I have no idea what she's basing that on. It appears to be a hunch.

Our feelings have changed since Friday. Matt and I have both taken a different tone towards the baby. Without a word between us about it, we are both trying to treat her like she is our own. People think you just instantly get attached to them because they're in your home--living with you like your own child. You just don't. It's so "in your face" that they're not yours. When the baby has an angry face on (trying to poop of course) you don't look at her and say "OH! That's uncle John's face!". You wonder whose face it is--and if they're violent. It's a very strange and very distancing feeling. When you put on the gloves you're supposed to when you change her diaper, you are again reminded that she may have Hepatitis C. You wonder if she actually has it and wonder how long her mother has been infected with it--and if that length of infection could affect the baby's odds of having it. There are hundreds of those little things that just poke at you--reminding you that she's not yours. I don't think it's something you could believe until you're experiencing it. I'm sure that as time wears on--we'll get attached. But it takes longer than people think. Much longer.

Now we're trying. I think that as it becomes more likely that she's staying longer, we worry more about the repercussions of NOT bonding with her or not being cuddly enough with her. Before, we didn't really think about it: she wasn't going to be here long enough for it to make a difference because her grandmother was coming up to take custody. Her father wanted her, too--and he was described as a completely upstanding person. She wouldn't be here long. But the grandmother had an open physical abuse case and charges (the abuse being against the baby's mother) back in 1988; and the father STILL has not made contact with DYFS. Her mother STILL isn't in a treatment program. The chances that she'll "go home" are dwindling as each day goes by. Her aunt says that she finally convinced her sister (the baby's grandmother) that the baby should be adopted out. The grandmother is 69. She'll be in her 80s by the time the baby is in middle school.

I want to run out and buy pink bedding for her bedroom but Matt believes it will jinx us. I feel like if it's meant to be, we can't actually jinx it--right?

Go figure that the one we thought would be the quickest to leave might be the one to stay...

So, at this point the baby's best hope at getting out of foster care is if her presumed father steps up and then passes the evaluations. It doesn't look great that he left and hasn't stepped up YET, but if he passes the stuff, he can have custody. If he's not an addict and has no charges against him, it's likely as good as done.

The mother's aunt is a bit over-the-top with wanting the baby to be adopted out. She wants permanency for the child at any cost and she doesn't understand that it's a process. In her mind, the baby has been taken away from her addict niece... so put her somewhere that she can grow up. The aunt doesn't seem to "get" that the mother has the opportunity to clean up her act; and is being given the chance to prove that she can or can't do that. She's seen the niece try to get clean for years without doing so. She wants to cut to the chase.

According to the caseworker, the mother has refused to do her last 2 drug tests... which puts her on record as an automatic "positive". If she refuses another, her visitations will be cancelled because she appeared under the influence at the last one. And apparently, the fact that this is a substance abuse case means that the baby could be adopted out much quicker. They can TEST to see if mom is still abusing. They can't do that for neglect or physical abuse, etc. How odd to say "what a blessing". Come to find out that the state was involved in taking away her 12yo son, also. They put him in his father's custody, but she lost him none-the-less. She also managed to dodge her substance abuse caseworker--who contacted the state out of concern for the baby that they knew must've been born by now. That caseworker was unable to find the mother, but knew that she had tested positive during pregnancy. The story is that the mother has been in a program that she participates in when she feels like it. She STILL has not enrolled in an inpatient program and she's not adhering to the outpatient one. It's not likely she's going to get clean.

So it's down to the father. I have to wonder how badly he wants the baby if he hasn't stepped up yet. I won't even try to guess at how he feels or what he could be thinking.

Now I just have to wonder: will this little person be OURS at some point? How very strange...

The baby's visitation was cut short today. The transporter (who also supervises the visits) said that the mother was clearly impaired. She was worried the mother was going to drop the baby. The transporter said that she is cancelling the visits for the next two weeks unless the caseworker wants to supervise them herself and take responsibility for whatever may happen. Of course, I was told this off-the-record. The worker said that in her 3 years doing this, she'd never seen something like this. I asked her how many newborns with drug-addicted moms she'd seen. She said she'd seen a few--and the mothers were usually trying to clean up. It wasn't anything like this. Meanwhile, the baby arrived in her carrier with the top harness latched but the bottom one--the stronger one--was not. The mother had put the baby in the carrier and I guess the worker was so flustered she didn't even double-check. She said that even she forgets that latch is there sometimes. (?!?!?)

I had spoken to the caseworker earlier in the day to get the results of last week's court date. They still had not received the file from out-of-state to investigate the "red flag" that showed up on the grandmother, but apparently the judge decided that with the charges that existed against the maternal grandmother (charges?!) there was no way she was a consideration for custody. So the grandmother is out. I wonder if the mother was banking on HER mother getting custody so that the birthmother could have access to the baby without having to clean herself up. Maybe this news sent her off the deep end. I don't know. I can't even pretend to understand.

I asked the caseworker about the prospect of the birthfather getting the baby. She said that right off the bat: 1) she had no request or contact from the father expressing interest; and 2) the father was not here to sign the birth certificate--so they'd have to establish paternity before anything else was done. I e-mailed the aunt to tell her that if the father was interested, he needed to speak up. But I wonder if the aunt would relay this information... hoping that her niece will get her act together to take the baby instead of the baby going out of the country where the family will never see her again.

And in other news, the birthmother refused to take her last drug test; but the caseworker said it really didn't matter much because the judge will assume it's going to be positive until the mother is enrolled in a program. Apparently, the mother didn't understand that the drug testing was related to her custody case. (????) And while she complied with doing the substance abuse evaluation per her case plan, she did not enroll in a program like she was supposed to. There was apparently an insurance problem since the mother doesn't have Medicaid. But I got the impression that there was more that the mother could have (and should have) done that didn't get done. And I found out that the state will not pay for her rehab. They don't do that. So I have no idea what's going to happen.

I don't know how long they will give the mother to get it together. There's that whole "15 of the prior 22 months" guideline that they don't HAVE to follow... (if the child is in care for 15 of the prior 22 months, they can terminate the parent's rights). Someone on the foster parent board said that where she is, the judges give parents of newborns 1 year to get it together and then they terminate. I know that the documentation I've seen says that they do a review at 5 months, and then again at 10 months and if the child is still in care--they start moving into a permanency plan. By the same token, I know of at least one case here where the baby is about to be 3yo--in care since birth--and still not finalized for adoption. Very frustrating. I don't know if it's my state, or the county handling that case. I know that county-to-county, things vary GREATLY.

Speaking of which, I got my first check for the baby. I have no idea if this is the increased rate or the regular rate for her. I did NOT get a check for the girls! I'll wait until tomorrow before I call about that, but I'm livid because I thought they might try to stiff us! They pro-rated our pay when they came in 6 days before the end of the month. There's no reason they wouldn't prorate it when they left 9 days into the month. I had to feed them! (and with those two, that's where most of our pay went... there and the $300 water bill that I just got).

August 3, 2007: Our foster daughter is born positive for methadone (very high dose) and cocaine. Father is named and is suspected to be in central America, but makes no contact.

August 8, 2007: CPS places Cookie in our home for foster care pending the arrival of her maternal grandmother to take custody "in 2 weeks". We are told that the mother's prior child (a son) was removed and given to his biological father 9 years prior due to the same drug problem. CPS tells us that the mother's rights were terminated, but because she didn't fight this she was entitled to a case plan for Cookie. The family insists mom did not lose parental rights. When Cookie was born, mom had been fighting for visitation with this child but her drug problems were interfering.

late August, 2007: grandmother has not arrived. Cookie has one 2-hour visit with her mother every week. We set up an anonymous e-mail account to relay information to the mother quicker than going through the caseworkers. At this point, the mother's maternal aunt is receiving the e-mails, printing them and giving them to her although she does e-mail us once from the aunt's house to thank us and explain her side of what happened (unsolicited). We also print our e-mails out and send them for visits along with pictures. Cookie has an EEG to rule out convulsions (due to witnessed tremors and strange jerks) and sees the Infectious Disease doctor for baseline bloodwork for Hepatitis C (mother was positive for it). Infectious Disease doctor notes physical indicators of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

We spend out of pocket money when we need to change formulas due to allergic reaction.

I never got to finish cleaning my room. The good news is that every surface got dusted and vacuumed--just not wiped with cleanser or put back nicely. Let's appreciate what we have--shall we?

The baby's caseworker told me yesterday that birthmom is doing more drugs--not less. She qualified for inpatient rehab... which means she's really bad. The caseworker believes it is a 6-month program; and said that the state is not thinking of allowing her to go into a mommy and baby program because of some things she said to the caseworker. I THINK that's what she said... I was on the cell phone at the county fair and couldn't hear her very well. And as far as the maternal grandmother goes, they requested a file from the state she lives in to investigate that "red flag" and see if it's something that would prevent her from getting custody, but nobody knows how long it will take to GET the file.

We're (thankfully) not attached to her yet... but if grandmother doesn't get custody soon like they're working on, I'm going to guess we will get attached to her. I'm not sure what would be worse, really. The child deserves to feel that kind of love and that's our job. We'll get over it. If she's going to a good situation, so will she.

Anyway... this morning she had blood in her poop. I'm concerned. I have no clue what this could be. Since we moved her to the allergenic formula, things have gotten progressively better. In fact, she's sleeping at night. Sometimes she actually has to be woken to eat in the middle of the night. Hallelujah! Minimal fussiness or gas. No more inconsolable crying (although I know it can return any time over the next few months). By all counts, she looks great. Except for the blood in the poop. Of course, my only experience with that is food allergies. Her formula has soy and cow's milk, but the proteins are pre-digested--so they SHOULDN'T be a problem. I have no clue what else it could be... so I've put it out to all the experts I know before taking her to a clinic. We shall see.

I'm starting to love her. But it's weird: it's the way you feel about someone else's child. I don't know quite how to describe it, but it feels like when you're babysitting someone else's baby that you completely adore being around--but don't mind when they have to go home. I wonder how long it will take for that to change to feeling like I don't want her to go. Staring at a 6-month stay while mom is in rehab makes me nervous about that.

So mom's great-aunt e-mailed for her. I sent back all that I had sent the caseworker and great-aunt responded that the mom would be thrilled. She will see the mom this morning. This morning I offered that if mom had some receiving blankets she could sleep with, I could wrap the baby in them so that the scent of her mother is always familiar to her. It would make things easier for the baby when she goes home.

I'm also tending to Graham. It seems like I've neglected HIM. He certainly requires quite a bit of attention and I seemed to have forgotten that attachment parenting is putting MY things aside to tend to his needs when HE needs me--not when my stuff is done or it's convenient for me. And I haven't been doing that. I feel horrible about it because I can see it manifesting in his behavior... just like our neglected dogs.

I think maybe it's a good thing we don't have a bigger vehicle and we can't take in the number of kids we're licensed for. I think we'd be spread too thin. We'll just stick to this for now. And we'll stick to kids younger than Graham so that we know he's always safe.

So the first thing I did was to log into my anonymous e-mail account to sit and wait for the baby's mom to e-mail me. It's driving me crazy. I want her to e-mail me! I want to send her the updates I sent the caseworker. I want her to see that I'm NOT crazy (what irony--right?). I want her to relax at least a little bit. I want her to focus on her case plan so she can have her baby back.

WRITE, DAMN IT!

And again, I feel horrible about it.

The baby's caseworker calls this morning for an update. She's not in today so she didn't get the e-mail I sent. I tell her. I also tell her that if the mother were unable to complete her plan and there were no suitable relatives for placement, we'd be interested in the baby. She figured--since most foster parents that take newborns are.

She tells me the maternal grandmother won't be able to make it here on Wednesday as previously planned. Something went wrong with her house sale. She should be here by late August. I ask if the grandmother looks promising--knowing all the background work wasn't complete yet. The caseworker said there was one red flag that needed to be looked into further--so at this point, it was unknown as to whether it would be an issue. They can't tell me specifics and that's fine--it's not really my business. But I appreciate her telling me what she can in terms of progress.

The baby came back from her first visit with mom and everything was in her bag just as it had left... plus a picture of mom (and dad I assume?) and a tiny teddy bear. The pictures I sent for her were still in the bag. I think she may not have seen them because I'm sure she'd have taken them. She asked the transport worker about me--worried about who her baby was with and the transport said I seemed nice and concerned for the baby. She pointed out that I was willing to e-mail the mother. It doesn't matter. This woman must be completely frantic about her baby being with strangers. I know they're in this position for a reason, but I feel her panic for her--and it concerns me about her ability to focus on her own issues that need to be tended to so that she can get her baby back. I hope that by allowing her to e-mail me (through an anonymous account) that she will feel SOMEwhat more at ease and able to take care of herself. Suddenly, I find myself overwhelmed with wanting to help this family reunite.

So I will put the picture and the teddy bear in the baby's cradle, and see if I can drop the pictures off at the DYFS office for the county so she can pick them up. I feel badly that she didn't get them. I know she's aching for them.

I really am going out of my way to help the birthmom. I put together a little suitcase memory box with her hospital bracelet and umbilical cord stump. I offered to take pictures of her each week. I started a first year calendar for her. Then this feeling came over me and I thought "Wow, these might be mine someday". Apparently mom has lost her rights to her first child--eight years ago. Her drug history is very long and very bad. They're not hopeful about her coming through this.

It's not like I'm attached to her. But then I wasn't attached to Graham at this point, either. I spent a whole pregnancy not knowing if he'd arrive--so I'm familiar with the feeling; but most other people insist that if I'm even considering that she might stay, I must be attached and in denial. It's infuriating. I have no feeling for her yet. In fact, I have to remind myself to kiss her and snuggle her. I have to make it a point to talk to her. I feel like I'm babysitting--so trust me, I'm not attached yet. And likely that's because of the situation. So far for us, fostering makes you feel like they could leave at any minute. So you're preparing for it all the time. I realize we're relatively new at this so maybe that will change.

So, Lena and Amanda left an hour ago to live with their paternal grandmother. They are thrilled. I did what I could to help Amanda. I spoke with her attorney and scanned and sent her documentation. I called the state ombudsman office. I even called CASA (although it's too late for that now). I wrote up all kinds of instructions (unfortunately in English) for the grandmother and told the state worker that transports the girls that she needed the section on Amanda's speaking to be read to her--that she needs to understand those guidelines to help Amanda.

But they're gone. And it's okay. I'm okay. I'm almost a little relieved. Graham, on the other hand, astounded us. He saw the girls putting all of their stuff in the state van and said "Are the girls going home?". After 3 months of living with us, he "got" that they weren't "ours". I made the mistake of saying "yes"... after all, since when does that stuff register with him? (background: he has an autism spectrum diagnosis and had an extremely hard time adjusting to their arrival). Well it did--and he was SO UPSET. If I would've said "No, they're going to the doctor,"--he'd have been completely fine. I'm so stupid. He was also really tired and due for a nap--which didn't help. For a minute, he stood at our door with his head on his arm crying "But I miss them so so much...". I cried and cried. I was okay with the girls leaving; but I never wanted this for my son. I shouldn't have said that to him. I should've treated it like camp and he'd have been fine--like he was for camp.

Meanwhile, we took in a new baby last night. So I packed the girls before the baby came in and as a result, it was a pretty smooth transition. She's so TINY...! She wasn't premature--just low birth weight. Mom & baby tested positive for cocaine and morphine at birth. The documentation says that baby was exposed to cocaine and methadone. Oddly enough, that means she'll live a far more normal life than the child of a pregnant drinker.

And mom appears to love her child. She has resided bedside to the baby (holding her every moment) until she was discharged. The maternal grandmother is coming in from Texas to potentially take custody in 2 weeks... so we have no idea how long she'll be here. Last night was rough. She really likes to be held! And she appears to be allergic to dairy protein--so I've switched her formula to soy. We'll see how it goes.

The baby came from my local county office and they have been WORLDS better in giving me information about the case. I think I never want to take another out-of-county placement in my life! No kidding--I got more information about court dates and team meetings in 24 hours than the other office gave me in 3 months. And honestly, it's good that the caseworker is keeping us informed so that we don't get too attached. Now I just want to help this baby and her mom instead of keeping her. I wouldn't have been able to let myself believe she was staying anyway, but the thought would've crossed my mind once in a while and I may have fantasized about it. Now I won't do that. It won't change how I treat her: I know a baby NEEDS love to form healthy attachments. So love is my job here! :)

I kind of like this job.

So the girls got to speak to their mother and I got a feel for what "developmentally disabled" meant for this case. She came across like a 6yo. I started to wonder how she managed to keep custody of her kids for so long, but apparently both sets of grandparents have been helping.

They also got to speak to the grandmother here--and I use the word "speak" loosely because the grandmother is WORLDS less functional in English than I thought and the girls don't speak a word of Spanish. It's really concerning that they want to put the girls there when Amanda has such a significant speech and language delay.

Aaaaand, in updating the caseworker on Amanda's IEP meeting, it is discovered that the caseworker doesn't know that Amanda has a psychiatric diagnosis. :O I scan the evaluation and e-mail it to her along with a copy of Amanda's IEP from the last school--which notes that her primary language is Spanish. :O again. Ugh...

So I told Lena about what was going on. She actually took it well. I think she really "gets" that there's not a good answer here. She doesn't appear panicked or anxious--but now I'm getting that way. Now I'm really concerned about them leaving to live with their grandmother (gm) here. I keep wondering what this will do to Amanda's communication skills long-term. I keep thinking that if the gm can only take 2, take the boys: the youngest is under 3yo and the longer he's in care, the more likely he is to see his foster mom as his MOM. Wouldn't that be a bigger problem? The mom is staying at the grandmother's house during the day--so whichever kids go there will see their mother a LOT.

I don't know. And the caseworker hasn't said anything yet. I know that they know where the girls are going for respite care--which is two weeks from today. But they're not telling me. When I got calls for vacation/respite care, I got them a day or two before the kids were due to arrive even though they knew about the need long ahead of time. But if the girls are going to stay with their grandmother, they MUST know THAT. We'll be returning on Thursday and the girls have visitation that day. We told the caseworker they can come home after visitation and we'll be here. But there's a court date the day before that could determine that they're leaving. How nauseating.

Meanwhile, the girls got to speak to their brother tonight. He's 9, but man does he sound like a YOUNG 9. When the 2yo got on the phone, Lena had tears falling down her face. I felt so bad for her.

I don't even care what happens anymore. I just want to know so we can adjust and move forward.

Not often. We just got off the phone with the family of my foster daughters. This is the grandparents and their older sister in the midwest. At the end of the call I sent them up to brush hair and teeth, wash faces and hands, and get into their pajamas. I set up the next call with the grandmother and then I come up the back stairs (near their bathroom) only to hear them completely giddy and playing together in the bathroom. It's not a big bathroom--there's JUST enough room in there for the two of them. But it's already 8:30pm and I want them to get to bed. I jokingly yell (over the sound of the fan in the bathroom) "Girls! I'm going to start timing you!". Lena happily yells back "How much time do we have?". I respond "15 minutes!".

I then hear them hurrying each other and laughing and helping each other and laughing. They're happy because they just spoke to their family; but they're happy... and I love it.

Tomorrow we'll try to call their grandmother here.

Right now I've got to get those little buggers to bed, return a call to a fellow foster parent, then make some time for my little peanut. I think he feels a little lost in the shuffle. I'm really grateful that we have one-on-one time two full days/week during the school year. No girls. No daddy. Just me and my peanut. I'm looking forward to alot of days laying on the lawn and dreaming up stories about clouds shaped like dogs. ;)