Why do we want more kids? I'm thinking about all the things we could do with Graham because it's only one child... all the time we could devote to him... how happy we are together. Even if we had given birth, that child could have needs that would shatter this happy picture.

I'm starting to believe that straight fostering has been such a gift. We have the blessing of family without the committment. It sounds so shallow, but the reality is that it's a mutually beneficial situation: these kids NEED a place to be that can help them and love them, and we have that to give. Likewise, we love the feeling of family, but are also very happy to have time where it's just the 3 of us. We COULD take breaks more often--we just have opted not to. Some foster parents take a break after every placement. We accept them one on top of the other.

So I think we're taking the summer off unless the adoptive match pans out. We're really nervous about that. Frankly, I'm starting to think that we may never want to adopt UNLESS it was a child we've fostered. I just feel like the adoptive process can move too quickly.

But right now, I think Graham may need some time, too. I'm starting to wonder if he's going to be okay with Cookie leaving. Recently we were in the car and he unlatched the top part of his carseat-belt. I told him that he needed to stop doing that or the police would think I didn't take care of him. He asked "Like Cookie's mommy?" and I said "Yes". Since then, there have been a few intances of him saying something about being taken away for misbehaving. It's hard to tell if he actually believes this, or is just being manipulative. Either way, I don't like it.

Cookie is his biggest fan. And he LOVES an audience. I think her leaving is going to be hard on him. They are frick and frack. I thought he'd be far enough in age that this wouldn't be an issue, but she adores him and he knows it. So I'm glad we'll be empty for a while so I can spoil him with attention.

We'll see how the summer goes. The reality is: I'm a better mom with more than one child. When I just have one, I feel like it's so little work that "I'll get to it". I have this problem in every aspect of my life and it really is a problem. But when I have a lot on my plate, I kick into gear, get organized and get things done. I feel like that's such a crappy way to parent. So this summer, I'm going to really work on that. I love my little guy. I just hope that carries me through to moving my butt a little more.