Cookie starts to grab things (although less with her left arm) and physical therapy continues with a new therapist as the old one was coming late. She had rolled over once near New Years, but not since (which is not surprising because she requires her arms to do so). Baby makes it through 2/3 of her 1-hour session before being completely worn out; but making great progress since we follow through daily the rest of the week. Near the end of the month she can hold her bottle briefly and finally starts rolling over again.

Baby starts on solid foods even though she's unable to sit up (this was with doctor's blessing).

Mother warns that grandmother will be at a visit and therefore baby shouldn't be in pink although the mother loves it.

I suffer pneumonia although the kids appear to be fine.

Cookie is returned home not strapped into the carseat. Service provider supervising the visit didn't check after the mother put her in the seat.

Mother has a car accident about 2/15 and waits 3 days to go to the hospital to get checked for significant pain in her chest. She says it was "technically" her fault. About this time she also starts a new job. She cited difficulties with the "bus boy turned manager" and said her mother tried to talk to him as well about giving her more hours before going elsewhere. Her new schedule is between two diners and very demanding.

Mother notes she contacted an organization to help her with things for the place she and her mother will live in starting March because she only has things for Cookie plus a set of pots and pans; but nothing else.

Mother also sends pictures from her visit to my cell phone for the first time.

I am advised by CPS caseworker that there will be no transitioning Cookie home—she will be picked up and moved on a future return date which is contrary to what I was told earlier in the case. I proceed to appeal to the caseworker and her boss about this in writing/e-mail (2/15) citing concerns about the impact to both the child AND the mother.

Cookie is getting two new teeth. On top, but not the FRONT teeth--these are the next ones over. So they'll fit over her bottom teeth! LOL! After putting her down for a nap a few days ago, Matt turned to me and said "Does it make me a horrible person to wish her mother would fall off the wagon?". I looked at him. I didn't know what to say because while I never actually hoped it, I would occasionally worry that something had happened in the case and wonder if she HAD relapsed--and briefly thought about what it would be like if the baby could stay. The thing is that we are both so panicked that she's going to relapse when the baby comes home--and do something harmful to Cookie. Her history is SO LONG that the odds are so far out of her favor for staying clean. I'd just rather the baby not have to suffer through whatever could happen. I know Matt feels the same way.

Carl started school today. THANK GOD! Because we were both really having enough of each other. And when I picked him up and asked how his day went, his response was "AWESOME!!". I couldn't even BELIEVE it. Seriously. WHAT a blessing.

Graham, on the other hand, has had some potty training regression. I think the disruption of Carl coming into the house and not quite fitting here right away has taken a mental toll on him. NOTHING like when the girls were here--so he IS getting better with accepting and adjusting to changes in his environment. But potty training has taken a small step backward.

Gotta run!

I'm so fortunate the the two foster children I have now come from two counties that "get" that this is truly my JOB. I'm not babysitting. I'm troubleshooting some serious issues and unlike babysitting, I am making recommendations on the course of care (mental and medical) and therapy based on what I'm seeing in my home. That requires careful observation, research and training (that I often have to find for myself). I'm lucky that the two I'm dealing with now respect my opinions and input. That seriously was not the case with the last placements. I was a non-existent babysitter.

For me, it is definitely a job. I think the misunderstanding is that most people would never actually do their jobs if there wasn't a paycheck attached... so to speak about fostering like that makes us sound like it's all about the money when the reality is, you carry the same responsibilities as a job with prerequisites to meet and standards and goals to maintain. You constantly keep yourself current on emerging information and research so that you can meet your objectives the best they can. And they're not our kids. To me, that's a job. And like many of the traditional JOBS out there that enrich peoples lives and make the world a better place, our paycheck has nothing to do with it.

Ugh... I hate when people look at you like you're using these poor kids to gain an income when you refer to fostering as a job. Like it's a money mill. I'm sure people have done it and because I'm a SAHM, we certainly have money left over with Cookie. If I were working, most of (if not all of it) would go to the cost of daycare that the state doesn't cover. But I'm home--so we get to keep that. I spend a lot of it on her, but there's definitely some left over. With the older kids, there's absolutely not a dime left over. Especially in the summer. During the school year, they qualify for free breakfast and lunch (although we never let them eat the school breakfast). Lunch and not being home for morning snack alone saves us a bundle with them. Their clothing is another story and that's really hard. But those are the kids where you actually SEE where you can make a difference with them.

Carl has problems. What's worse is that he's been brainwashed to believe that he has countless, horrible, unfixable problems that will doom him to a life of making other people constantly upset and angry--and him being yelled at. We're all adjusting. But I see clearly the importance of doing my job as a foster parent well. Thankfully, so does the state.

We took in a new foster placement today. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or what. He's a 12yo boy with blue eyes and screaming red hair. He's small for his age and although DYFS maintains that he's bipolar, he's on Adderall and Clonadine. The latter is the only thing that applies to bipolar. He came with a thick IEP and an Emotional Disturbance classification--so I need to read. Of course, had I read Amanda's IEP--I'd have never taken her. Seriously. The school said the same thing: it was scary. So I'm not sure what to think.

Carl. Graham is BESIDE himself with excitement, but I think I heard Carl snap on him already. Of course, it was day 1. He was removed from his family about 24 hours ago and is already on his second foster placement. His grandmother died last weekend and he's been separated from his parents and all four of his siblings. If I had a 4yo saying my name EVERY 30 SECONDS, I might snap, too. He didn't touch him, but he uttered a gutteral, angry "STOP" to him. And honestly, I'm not even sure that happened, but I think it's what I heard.

I have no clue why we did this. I know DYFS was desperate because they place the kids in their own county, then the neighboring one before getting to mine. The other kids were already placed. Matt and I worry that we won't have the time to devote to Graham that he needs. But then we know Carl will be in school most of the day and we'll have that time with Graham one-on-one. We felt like we're probably exactly the kind of foster parents this kid needs. Matt and I both struggled with what to do about it. We decided to take him, but we put DYFS on alert that our own bio son was dealing with issues. We said that we fully expect there to be issues with Carl, but if Carl drained us to the point where we couldn't properly address Graham's issues--he would need to leave. They understood. I honestly think they were looking at placing him in a group home if we didn't take him.

Unfortunately, it looks like there may be a leak in the back roof... causing damage to our brand new bedroom and possibly soaking the insulation under the walls. Don't even ask me what that means because I can't even swallow the thought at the moment. At minimum, Petunia will move into our bedroom and Carl will use her room until it's fixed. That's seriously the least of it.

I'm nervous. Especially since it will be easily a week before Carl can get into school. What the heck am I going to do with him? Especially with Graham at his heels? Ugh... Why do we do this?