e-mail from mother’s maternal aunt says that the biological father (via his brother) states that he wants custody of the baby in his home country, but father makes no contact with CPS.

Cookie is hospitalized for severe milk and soy protein allergy for 4 days. Mother is escorted to see Cookie at the hospital briefly. Cookie then enters unmedicated methadone withdrawal at our home. Her mother becomes homeless and misses the Citizen Review Board (a citizen-based court-affiliated independent review of the case) review meeting where I meet the mother's maternal aunt (who has the most contact with CPS at this point).

Baby is gaining weight well and beginning to sleep 4-6 hours/night (9/19).

Grandmother arrives and states she had no intention of taking custody. They run a background check anyway but she's unable to be cleared for custody due to prior CPS case between herself and baby's mother. Both say they have no idea what the issue was, but it was apparently a substantiated case when the mother was 17.

Mothers visits are suspended after visits are cut short for her showing up under the influence. Visits continue with grandmother. Mother self-admits herself to psych hospital on Sept. 19th.

Psychological evaluation disqualifies the mother from a treatment program. Her current drug/rehab caseworker is ready to close her case for lack of desire for help. All of this per CPS caseworker.

While in the psych hospital she tries to arrange visitation in the hospital despite CPS telling her it was inappropriate. Mother goes as far as calling upon security and hospital administration to make these arrangements anyway, but CPS remains firm that the visits will not happen in-hospital. Mother is unable to qualify for in-patient rehab due to the level of her methadone dose (very high). Father is still absent and without contact with CPS.

I got an e-mail from the aunt. The birthmother checked herself into the psych ward of the hospital she gave birth in. She intends to stay there until there is a place available in a rehab that will take her and the baby together. I know that the caseworker said long ago that the mother said things that made the state feel a mother-child rehab wouldn't be allowed; but not knowing what those things were, I'm not sure how they will stand up and whether or not there is truly a possibility that this will happen.

The aunt spoke to the birthfather's brother--who said that his mother would take 20 children if she could. The father is not in the US, but is in another central american country with his grandmother--who is ill. Apparently he also has some business dealings there as well. He has a cell phone, but the country he is in has very limited signal/access. The brother will continue to try to contact the father and has the caseworker's info--and knows that the caseworker is bilingual.

I'm not attached to her yet; but I'm attached to the idea of another baby being part of our family. Thank goodness she's too young to interact with us yet. Thank GOD--because then it would be easy to actually bond and attach to her. We really adore her, but it's not like she's ours. Life works the way it should even when we don't understand: we're preparing for something better. We have to have faith. Matt and I really do. We're so much more at peace knowing that if it is supposed to be, it will be; and that if it is not, we're preparing for what's to come. There's a reason she is here with us... we just don't know what that reason is yet.

She had her first bath tonight. She didn't love it. We don't have any pictures of it, but to be fair, we don't have pictures of Graham's either. Matt was on the couch with a very sleepy Graham (who DID fall asleep) and I had my hands full keeping her safe in the water of the kitchen sink (where Graham had his first bath, too... I see now how easy it is to attach to a house!). Her little stomach was so upset and she'd been miserable for an hour. She barely ate at her last feeding and she had 3 little skidmark diapers. I had slacked off on her pear juice for the last two days. She's supposed to have it to fight off constipation from the prescription formula. So I thought a warm bath would help. Right before the bath, she passed a poopy diaper. I bathed her anyway. That's still 2 poops for the day--so if she was constipated, it wasn't that bad.

So Graham is sleeping and the baby is on Matt's shoulder. And I type... my therapy.

The birthmother DID show up for her psych evaluation yesterday. I know that without it, she couldn't go to rehab. But I don't know if the insurance issues were remedied--so I'm not sure she's GOING to rehab. I guess we'll know next week.

Her last drug screen came back having been tampered with or altered--so it gets recorded as "positive". The caseworker said it was "fake". Not sure what that meant exactly, just that she was hiding reality. I don't know if this was last weeks test or Monday's test.

The caseworker said they've already tried to find the father with no luck. She explicitly said that the father's family would just have to make contact on their own--they were done seeking him out. When I told her that the birthfather was here on a visa that has since expired, she sounded like she might look into finding him that way; but I couldn't tell. I think she said she was going to contact the birthfather's brother (he's co-owner of a local business), but I don't recall. I got the impression that the ball was in their court and if they didn't make contact--too bad. Except that it's too bad for US if the baby goes adoptive. Geesh... could you see THAT coming back to bite us when she's, say, 10? Or 15?

So at the moment, we're awaiting approval for her request to suspend visitation. She told me that they would likely stop for a while. I believe they will stop until the mother is in a program. If she can't get into the inpatient program because of insurance and has to do an outpatient program, I wonder if they will require that she test clean before they start visits again. I hope so. Who knows.

I hope the aunt has some info on the rehab situation. Since her aunt enlightened me to how she does well in structured settings and falls apart otherwise, part of me hopes she can't go inpatient. It will just prolong the whole thing. I don't know. Maybe it won't. Maybe it doesn't matter where she goes. The reality is: it doesn't. What's meant to be is just going to be and we have another 8 months to get through before we know whether or not they consider terminating the parents rights. How those months are spent by the mother is irrelevant compared to the end result. If she goes to rehab for 6 months and tanks in the 6 weeks after she's out, the result will be the same. If she doesn't go inpatient and tanks every step of the way, it's not going to make the wait any shorter.

Little Fuzzball. Sweet, STINKY, fuzzball.

So I got an e-mail from the aunt. She said she spent the day in bed yesterday, which she says is extremely out of character for her. She thinks the stress of the last 6 weeks must be catching up to her and while her age doesn't usually show, she feels it's coming into play now.

The aunt got a few messages from the birthmom. The last one this morning asked that the aunt contact the birthfather's brother to ask him if the birthfather or their parents could take the baby so that she can have a stable life. All I could think was "I wish she thought the baby could have a stable life with US.". The aunt said she's not sure what to make of the message--that it could be a ploy to get to the birthfather. The aunt feels that the birthfather's brother wouldn't take custody. I'm not sure what to make of that; but she's been pretty dead-on with everything else. I want to believe her... but I don't know.

The aunt also got all the same info we got: that the birthmother was living under a bridge (via voicemail from birthmother herself--aunt was surprised because the mother knows her way around the services); that the phone call to her mother didn't go well; and that she was still "impaired". None of it suprised the aunt.

I called the caseworker who was on the phone with the birthmother's caseworker from the drug treatment program. The caseworker was supposed to call me back, but I called at 4pm and she's off at 5pm. No call back. I'm anxious to know what transpired today. Did she show for the evaluation? Did her attitude change? What's going on?

So I sit and wait for more answers...

I haven't received an e-mail back from the birthmother's aunt for a few days. I even e-mailed her an update about yesterdays visitation and still nothing. I know her sister (birthmom's mother) arrived in town and that birthmother has a psych evaluation today. I wonder what kind of mayhem is going on as I sit and type this. What is this family dealing with? How much arguing and stress are they enduring? What kind of things are being yelled at one another? What deals are being made? What convincing is being done.

Baby's crying...

Well, visitation today was a disaster from the word "go"...

Birthmother was so enraged and screaming at the caseworker that the caseworker didn't drive her to the visit--she had to find her own way. And she did. Her friends left her there saying "Get it together, girl... get it together...". The transporter (who supervises the visits) said the friends were clearly not the kind of people you wanted to be around. The mother was livid that I sent her a new picture of the baby via her aunt (who she's not speaking with) and didn't know why I was giving the baby juice at this age (even though I had sent an update that this was under the orders of the GI so that the prescription formula didn't constipate her). The mother tried to feed the baby (as my note said she should) but didn't remember to burp her. Of course, an hour after getting home, the baby passed more gas than I've ever seen. I was a little surprised that it happened that soon after eating and wondered if it was caused or coincidence. Not sure.

The mother told the transporter that she was living under a bridge since being evicted. The transport told her she could stay in a shelter and gave her the address of one (she used to work there). The mother said she was going to get it taken care of. The mother also used the transporter's cell phone to call HER mother--telling her to come see the baby. That phone conversation ended in profanity.

The transporter text-messaged the caseworker about the mother's altered state and the caseworker came in and cut the visit short. When she asked the mother whether she would test positive for drugs if they tested her right now, the mother said "Yes". When the caseworker asked what kind of drugs she was on, the mother changed the subject.

The caseworker cut the visit short. The mother insisted on putting the baby back in the car seat, but was being so rough with the baby that they were worried she'd hurt the baby. The mother was going on and on telling the baby that her uncle was going to get custody of her and that she'd be out of foster care soon. Just delusional. I wonder which uncle she's referring to: her brother (does she have a brother?) or the father's brother (who we know lives right here). The caseworker refused to get in a car with her.

So I have no idea if visitation truly will be suspended or not. Knowing the state, anything's possible. I think the mother took a drug test today; but the caseworker didn't have the results of the test taken last week. She says this one was done "under duress" which means she'll get the results quicker. The mother is supposed to show up for a psychological evaluation tomorrow--a prerequisite to inpatient rehab. We'll see if she shows up.

So at least there's a few questions answered... for now.

Probably not. But it's tempting. We're making an effort to build bonds of attachment with her now. I can see Matt doing it, too. We're trying to let ourselves love her. Of course, when Graham was a newborn we had the same hesitation--and he was our own. As if it weren't real.

I went to the placement review on Friday and met the birthmother's aunt. We had coffee after the review. She's really a wonderful lady. Between the placement review and the coffee afterward, I found out that the baby's mother had done 2-1/2 years in jail back in her home state for drug-related charges. When she came out, she moved here--into her aunt's house. For about a year, she was on-track, employed and paid out thousands of dollars in fines. Then she fell off the wagon again. I found out that the birthmother is my age and bi-polar on top of the drug problem. Her older child went to live with his father 7 or 8 years ago, but back then she didn't fight DYFS about it: she had the presence of mind to know that her child would be better off there. She and her sister were living in an apartment that was leased in the name of the baby's father--and the women are being evicted. The mother still is not in a treatment program, but finally submitted to a drug test on Wednesday or Thursday of last week. As of Friday morning, the caseworker didn't have the results (which I don't believe for a minute). Visitation will proceed tomorrow as scheduled unless the caseworker feels the mother is under the influence again. If she is, the visits will be suspended. Prior, she said that if the mother tested positive again visits would be suspended. I don't know what will happen now.

It's also in question whether or not the baby's father is truly out of the country. The birthmother says he is not--that he's here. The brother of the baby's father has told the aunt that he is in fact back in their home country. But the caseworkers contact information was sent to the birthfather on Wednesday or Thursday. If he doesn't contact the caseworker by the end of this week, I will assume he's pretty much out of the picture. The caseworker believes the father is here, but I have no idea what she's basing that on. It appears to be a hunch.

Our feelings have changed since Friday. Matt and I have both taken a different tone towards the baby. Without a word between us about it, we are both trying to treat her like she is our own. People think you just instantly get attached to them because they're in your home--living with you like your own child. You just don't. It's so "in your face" that they're not yours. When the baby has an angry face on (trying to poop of course) you don't look at her and say "OH! That's uncle John's face!". You wonder whose face it is--and if they're violent. It's a very strange and very distancing feeling. When you put on the gloves you're supposed to when you change her diaper, you are again reminded that she may have Hepatitis C. You wonder if she actually has it and wonder how long her mother has been infected with it--and if that length of infection could affect the baby's odds of having it. There are hundreds of those little things that just poke at you--reminding you that she's not yours. I don't think it's something you could believe until you're experiencing it. I'm sure that as time wears on--we'll get attached. But it takes longer than people think. Much longer.

Now we're trying. I think that as it becomes more likely that she's staying longer, we worry more about the repercussions of NOT bonding with her or not being cuddly enough with her. Before, we didn't really think about it: she wasn't going to be here long enough for it to make a difference because her grandmother was coming up to take custody. Her father wanted her, too--and he was described as a completely upstanding person. She wouldn't be here long. But the grandmother had an open physical abuse case and charges (the abuse being against the baby's mother) back in 1988; and the father STILL has not made contact with DYFS. Her mother STILL isn't in a treatment program. The chances that she'll "go home" are dwindling as each day goes by. Her aunt says that she finally convinced her sister (the baby's grandmother) that the baby should be adopted out. The grandmother is 69. She'll be in her 80s by the time the baby is in middle school.

I want to run out and buy pink bedding for her bedroom but Matt believes it will jinx us. I feel like if it's meant to be, we can't actually jinx it--right?

Go figure that the one we thought would be the quickest to leave might be the one to stay...

So, at this point the baby's best hope at getting out of foster care is if her presumed father steps up and then passes the evaluations. It doesn't look great that he left and hasn't stepped up YET, but if he passes the stuff, he can have custody. If he's not an addict and has no charges against him, it's likely as good as done.

The mother's aunt is a bit over-the-top with wanting the baby to be adopted out. She wants permanency for the child at any cost and she doesn't understand that it's a process. In her mind, the baby has been taken away from her addict niece... so put her somewhere that she can grow up. The aunt doesn't seem to "get" that the mother has the opportunity to clean up her act; and is being given the chance to prove that she can or can't do that. She's seen the niece try to get clean for years without doing so. She wants to cut to the chase.

According to the caseworker, the mother has refused to do her last 2 drug tests... which puts her on record as an automatic "positive". If she refuses another, her visitations will be cancelled because she appeared under the influence at the last one. And apparently, the fact that this is a substance abuse case means that the baby could be adopted out much quicker. They can TEST to see if mom is still abusing. They can't do that for neglect or physical abuse, etc. How odd to say "what a blessing". Come to find out that the state was involved in taking away her 12yo son, also. They put him in his father's custody, but she lost him none-the-less. She also managed to dodge her substance abuse caseworker--who contacted the state out of concern for the baby that they knew must've been born by now. That caseworker was unable to find the mother, but knew that she had tested positive during pregnancy. The story is that the mother has been in a program that she participates in when she feels like it. She STILL has not enrolled in an inpatient program and she's not adhering to the outpatient one. It's not likely she's going to get clean.

So it's down to the father. I have to wonder how badly he wants the baby if he hasn't stepped up yet. I won't even try to guess at how he feels or what he could be thinking.

Now I just have to wonder: will this little person be OURS at some point? How very strange...

The baby's visitation was cut short today. The transporter (who also supervises the visits) said that the mother was clearly impaired. She was worried the mother was going to drop the baby. The transporter said that she is cancelling the visits for the next two weeks unless the caseworker wants to supervise them herself and take responsibility for whatever may happen. Of course, I was told this off-the-record. The worker said that in her 3 years doing this, she'd never seen something like this. I asked her how many newborns with drug-addicted moms she'd seen. She said she'd seen a few--and the mothers were usually trying to clean up. It wasn't anything like this. Meanwhile, the baby arrived in her carrier with the top harness latched but the bottom one--the stronger one--was not. The mother had put the baby in the carrier and I guess the worker was so flustered she didn't even double-check. She said that even she forgets that latch is there sometimes. (?!?!?)

I had spoken to the caseworker earlier in the day to get the results of last week's court date. They still had not received the file from out-of-state to investigate the "red flag" that showed up on the grandmother, but apparently the judge decided that with the charges that existed against the maternal grandmother (charges?!) there was no way she was a consideration for custody. So the grandmother is out. I wonder if the mother was banking on HER mother getting custody so that the birthmother could have access to the baby without having to clean herself up. Maybe this news sent her off the deep end. I don't know. I can't even pretend to understand.

I asked the caseworker about the prospect of the birthfather getting the baby. She said that right off the bat: 1) she had no request or contact from the father expressing interest; and 2) the father was not here to sign the birth certificate--so they'd have to establish paternity before anything else was done. I e-mailed the aunt to tell her that if the father was interested, he needed to speak up. But I wonder if the aunt would relay this information... hoping that her niece will get her act together to take the baby instead of the baby going out of the country where the family will never see her again.

And in other news, the birthmother refused to take her last drug test; but the caseworker said it really didn't matter much because the judge will assume it's going to be positive until the mother is enrolled in a program. Apparently, the mother didn't understand that the drug testing was related to her custody case. (????) And while she complied with doing the substance abuse evaluation per her case plan, she did not enroll in a program like she was supposed to. There was apparently an insurance problem since the mother doesn't have Medicaid. But I got the impression that there was more that the mother could have (and should have) done that didn't get done. And I found out that the state will not pay for her rehab. They don't do that. So I have no idea what's going to happen.

I don't know how long they will give the mother to get it together. There's that whole "15 of the prior 22 months" guideline that they don't HAVE to follow... (if the child is in care for 15 of the prior 22 months, they can terminate the parent's rights). Someone on the foster parent board said that where she is, the judges give parents of newborns 1 year to get it together and then they terminate. I know that the documentation I've seen says that they do a review at 5 months, and then again at 10 months and if the child is still in care--they start moving into a permanency plan. By the same token, I know of at least one case here where the baby is about to be 3yo--in care since birth--and still not finalized for adoption. Very frustrating. I don't know if it's my state, or the county handling that case. I know that county-to-county, things vary GREATLY.

Speaking of which, I got my first check for the baby. I have no idea if this is the increased rate or the regular rate for her. I did NOT get a check for the girls! I'll wait until tomorrow before I call about that, but I'm livid because I thought they might try to stiff us! They pro-rated our pay when they came in 6 days before the end of the month. There's no reason they wouldn't prorate it when they left 9 days into the month. I had to feed them! (and with those two, that's where most of our pay went... there and the $300 water bill that I just got).