We visit on Dec. 1st at a local eatery.

We decide to allow Cookie and the mother to visit our home, which has been anonymous until now based on there being a court hearing in December that we were led to believe by CPS would close the case from CPS supervision.

Dec. 13, 2008: Mother “invites” me (via “do you know anyone who would want to go?”) to attend a hockey game with tickets she received from a customer free-of-charge (she’s a waitress). I’m not a fan of hockey but I agree to go in the interest of participating in a friendly, sober and healthy friendship with her. My husband babysits the children and attempts to put Cookie to sleep in her old crib. Husband notes that Cookie is notably studying the room and has no interest in sleeping. Cookie adores our adoptive daughter and is caught on video trying to hug the baby and be gently loving to her.

When the mother and I arrive home around 11pm, Cookie walks towards me and mother picks her up. Cookie reaches for me and mother hands her to me. Cookie lays her head on my shoulder for a few moments. Husband and I discuss later that she clearly recalls the house and are concerned about whether it is a good thing or bad thing for her.

Mother is back in contact and as usual prefers text messaging. She notes that Cookie has started walking and that we should schedule a visit. She sends pictures via cell phone. We receive notification of a newborn adoptive placement and get custody 5 days later on Nov. 19th. We exchange photos with the mother via cell phone. She is anxious to see the new baby, excited that the baby is Hispanic (like Cookie) and notes how much like Cookie’s father our daughter’s coloring is.

Mother is working on Thanksgiving but texts us and refers to the baby as “Cookie”. Mother knows this was our family’s nickname for Cookie although we have always been extremely careful to call Cookie by her name in the mother’s presence so as not to flaunt our closeness to Cookie.

I wonder if Cookie and her mom are alone today. I know her mom is working and so she must be with her grandmother or her aunt (that the mother doesn't speak to, but will use as needed). The mother said they'd have turkey tomorrow.

I told Matt I couldn't wait until we could just invite them here to be with us. I felt bad that she could be alone on a holiday. He was quick to point out that she had her daughter and it occurred to me that he simply had no clue how lonesome you could be in that situation. He's never actually been alone on a holiday... or ever. Unless it was by choice. He has no idea how helpless and alone you feel--how left out. And for Cookie's mother, that's particularly hard. Everyone has noted her distaste and upset at being on her own.

But I've been alone. Not by choice. It's just sad. I've even NOT been alone on a holiday, but not been with people who really mean something to me. It's still unhappy... and weird.

And her mom is reaching out: today she texted me and referred to the baby as Cookie. That was our name for her and while the mother knows it, we've been VERY careful not to use it in front of her too often. We use the baby's real name. But it was sweet.

The new baby has been having gas problems. The doctor noted that she had a hernia. She's losing her hair. But she's a complete love and everyone is thrilled to have her in the family.

We meet at a local eatery on 10/9. Cookie enjoys the visit and doesn’t pay any special attention to either of us but at the end of the visit I hold her to take a photo and she doesn’t want me to let her go or hand her to her mother. Husband and I agree it was very strange and wonder if being in my arms allowed her to smell me thus triggering a memory.

We question Cookie’s eyes that appear to be crossed again and mother notes that Cookie’s doctor is following the issue. Mother notes difficulty with Early Intervention therapist attendance and I advise her on contacting the Early Intervention caseworker to get another therapist for the therapies. I assure the mother that this is expected if the therapist is not showing up.

Mother takes a trip out of state to visit relatives who have not yet seen the baby. Trip is approximately 3 weeks long per CPS caseworker.

CPS caseworker prepares to go on maternity leave and brings the covering caseworker to our home to introduce us

Speak to mother on 9/9 as Cookie is sick and it postpones a planned visit. Mother is anxious to visit again so we can see baby when she’s not sick. We visit some time in mid-to-late September at local eatery. Cookie is enrolled in daycare. We text intermittently during the month of September. Mother sends photos, updates (new teeth/molars) and 1-year Well Baby stats) via cell phone. In addition, we have phone contact each week during the last week of September and first 3 weeks of October.

Early August: caseworker advises that mother would like to set up a visit and asks me to contact the mother. I call on 8/6 and 8/7 with no response; but call the caseworker to advise and within 20 minutes the mother calls back.

We arrange to visit at Barnes and Noble book store on Saturday 8/9 although Cookie isn’t feeling well. Baby is clearly not well and clingy. This is her first illness since reunification. She doesn’t appear to remember us (studying my face when I attempt to hold her) and taking comfort in her mother. Mother notes that the biological father’s parents came from their country to see Cookie and did not give the mother any money nor buy a new carseat for Cookie (there was nothing wrong with the existing carseat). The visit is short. Later in the day the mother calls me because Cookie is running a fever and she’s uncertain how to handle it. I advise her that is sounds like teething and instruct her on when to get medical attention.

Mother texts again while we are on vacation and then again while the family was sick (in mid and late August). I respond each time to let her know these things.

August 26, caseworker calls with concerns about the reunification based on a scheduled visit and the baby sleeping during the visit. She feels the mother should know the child’s schedule at this point well enough to know when she’ll nap. Caseworker knows that we visited recently and asks for feedback. I advise that when the caseworker saw Cookie, the baby was teething and the mother had put Cookie in daycare the week before the caseworker had made her visit. Knowing that Cookie refuses to sleep anywhere other than her own bed, I told the caseworker that Cookie’s move to daycare would likely throw off her sleep habits until she adjusted and that the mother couldn’t possibly know when she would finally sleep as a result; but advise her to check again in 2-3 weeks to be sure that this is not still an issue. Caseworker seems relieved to know there is a logical explanation for the things causing concern and thanks me for the call.

Mother notes that she was in the hospital on 8/29 but not why.

We saw Cookie right before we went on vacation. Long story, but we met in a bookstore. Cookie wasn't feeling well--teething; but mom came anyway. It was a LITTLE weird, but not horrible. It was just a few days after her first birthday.

She looked SO DIFFERENT.

When I went to hold her, she studied me. She clearly didn't remember who I was and immediately looked to her mom as if to ask if it was alright. In her discomfort, she clearly took comfort in her mother. It was good... for all of us. I think it helped us to really cement that she was not ours and wasn't aching for us like we ached for her. She didn't miss us--and it was such a good thing. By the same token, I think her mom needed the reassurance that there was no lingering thought in Cookie's mind about "another mommy".

Cookie looked good. Really good. Even the back of her ears were cleared up. She had curls now and the entire shape of her face was different. Three months... who would've thought.

We went to Baltimore, NC and then VA Beach on the return trip. I attended a Homeschooling Special Needs conference in Cary, NC that was really wonderful. And CHEAP! We got to meet another foster parent that is on the message boards with me; and we got to check the area out for relocation. We finally settled on one town and a backup town. We also decided to try to sell the house word-of-mouth first. We'll give word-of-mouth until October 1st and then actually list it.

Once we're under contract, we can go down and buy a home in NC. Special ed there sucks for sure, but for the difference in property taxes alone we can hire private therapists for Graham. We should get him re-evaluated just to be sure we know what we need and to update his diagnosis (or remove it).

That's the direction we're moving in anyway...

We notified CPS that we would open up next Friday (the Friday going into Labor Day weekend) but they already called us with a placement. Of course, they called at 2pm and I didn't return the call until 5:15pm--so they were placed. That's fine. We need to stick to one infant and not get caught up in helping them out vs. handling what we decided was best for US. But it's hard...

Late July 2008: We contact caseworker to ask if Cookie is in need of anything that we can purchase for her birthday in early August. On July 28, we drop off gifts including a walking push toy and corner guards requested by the mother (plus a sippy cup 2-pack, a shape sorter toy with batteries, 3 outfits and a book). Included is a card with a note to the mother. We tell the caseworker that if the MOTHER asks about visiting with us, we would be open to a short visit in public.

and it's nice. I'm over the withdrawal of having 2 or 3 at a time. I'm settling into the more peaceful atmosphere, but being more on-call to entertain Graham. In some ways, having one is harder. In others, it's easier.

I'm also starting to take care of myself. First, I enrolled in a bootcamp to jump start getting physically fit. It's time. I can't keep trying to figure out what to do and taking a once/week class here or there. I have to actually GET healthy NOW. So every weekday for 4 weeks, I will be working out for one hour from 5:30-6:30am. You read that right: in the morning. Did I mention I am not even REMOTELY a morning person? And this is so early that I'm going to get home and probably still have an hour available to sleep... possibly an hour and a half.

And I cut off most of my hair. It was 18 months since my last haircut and now I have a cute bob.

Cookie has dry skin behind her ears and Dr. advises use of cortisone cream which clears it up. Baby also has a relatively raw diaper rash and Dr. advises to mix Neosporin with diaper cream.

Mother is not advising when she introduces new foods and so diaper rash may be a food reaction (because baby has existing food allergies). I find this out by accident when she divulges feeding baby strawberry-granola baby food. I notify CPS nurse to educate the mother on transitioning new foods with an allergenic child.

Crossed eyes appear to have cleared up.

Mother now has visits 3 times/week and at least one of them is unsupervised for 2 hours.

May 7 hearing results in a 5/19 return/reunification date. Baby has first and only unsupervised overnight visit from Friday 5/9 through Monday 5/12 (Mother’s Day weekend). Mother calls 9 times from Friday to Monday for anywhere between 1 and 43 minutes.

Cookie sees the Dr. again approx. 5/13 re: diaper rash that they now believe is a bad yeast infection. Nystatin cream is prescribed.

Cookie is reunified with mother on 5/19 with a 5-page document, an entire wardrobe in her current size and a bare bones supply of feeding items (bottles, utensils, remaining food from her WIC allotment, etc.) Page 1=her daily schedule and notes on dietary management of constipation; page 2= listing of her upcoming doctor/specialist appointments (noting which have been made or need to be made) and information she needs for all of them; pages 3=health related information including the current yeast infection with instructions, her ear skin condition with instructions, allergy information, etc.; page 4=developmental information on her current milestones and areas of delay that she may be asked about (with explanations/descriptions of the problems/achievements); and page 5=miscellany… info about her clothing, sleeping arrangements while here, etc.

Caseworker and I agree that as of reunification, phone contact between the mother and I must stop. Caseworker believes the mother will lean too heavily on us and we feel it would be difficult to deal with emotionally.

May 29: Caseworker comes to pick up a refill of Nystatin. Mother put something on the yeast infection hoping to help and it made it worse. Mother thinks maybe she was allergic to the stuff she put on the baby. I tell the caseworker that the refill will not be enough and baby MUST see a Dr. to get more (and gave her the refill in addition).

The caseworker also says that mother has “tossed” the baby's schedule and are "doing their own thing" and I don't quite recall how this came up, but apparently it wasn't a good thing. The caseworker asks me to reprint what I sent because she inadvertently didn't make a copy for herself and the mother no longer has the information. The mother is additionally saying she had no idea that there were appointments to keep for the baby. Mother has also not been able to connect with the Early Intervention therapist and so Cookie’s physical therapy has been disrupted. At this point, I ask the caseworker not to give us updates although we tell her we are always available to answer questions.

I forgot to add that Cookie hasn't seen her Early Intervention therapist since she went home. I realize this may actually be (partially) the therapist. But I wish it were just ammunition to show that this mother isn't effectively advocating for a child with special needs. I'm just angry now. Angry and bitter.

I couldn't sleep at ALL last night. All I've been able to do is wonder what Cookie is doing and what is happening to her now. Is she happy? Is she crying and nobody is paying attention? Will this turn around? Or will it get worse? And if it gets worse, how bad will it get before the state steps in and removes her?

She was SUCH A HAPPY BABY. It sickens me to think that she's going to live an unhappy and uncomfortable life that is bad--but not bad enough to warrant removal. Yeah--lots of kids live that way. But they didn't live here in my house very happily for their entire life and then go to that.

I just feel sick.

Cookie's caseworker came by today to get her social security card and some toys that I found along the way cleaning up.

When Cookie went home, with her went a prescription for Nystatin for a pretty bad (but recovering) yeast infection and 3 pages (large type, plenty of white space) of info/instructions for her care. Page 1: her daily schedule and feeding needs (how to alter if she didn't get enough oz. of formula, etc.). Page 2: appointments bm needed to make for the summer and info she needed to make and get through the appts. Page 3: just general stuff (ie: "I sent back all of the clothing your relatives bought", "If she cries, there is absolutely a reason so be sure to check her up and down until you find it"). Not a WHOLE lot on page 3.

Well, I get the call today that they need a refill on the prescription. Mom put something on the yeast infection hoping to help and it made it worse. Mom thinks maybe she was allergic to the stuff she put on the baby. I tell the caseworker that the refill will not be enough and baby MUST see a Dr. to get more (and gave her the refill in addition).

The caseworker also says that they have tossed the baby's schedule and are "doing their own thing" and I don't quite get how this came up, but apparently it wasn't a good thing. The caseworker asks me to reprint what I sent because she inadvertently didn't make a copy for herself. The mother is additionally saying she had no idea that there were appointments to keep for the baby.

Okay... well, there weren't appointments to keep other than her Early Intervention therapy, but there were appointments she needed to MAKE for the baby. Oh--and apparently she's not been able to connect with the Early Intervention therapist, either.

Matt thinks this all smacks of her coming back into care and therefore coming back to us. Honestly, I don't know what to think. On one hand, I feel like THIS would be the time that the mother would be doing EVERY LITTLE THING RIGHT... wouldn't she? On the other hand, the argument could be made that she simply doesn't know any better and/or understand the importance of some of these things and just needs some education and supervision to get on her feet. And really... DON'T EFFING TELL ME. I don't want to know! I don't want to hear that it's going badly because I will cry for Cookie's discomfort when she was SUCH a happy child. And I don't want to hear it's going well because I KNOW she's not coming back--do NOT need to be reminded thankyouverymuch.

Well... I had a good "I want her to come home" cry today over the whole thing. And I feel dumb because I'm NOT her mother and this is NOT her home and I KNEW that when she came to us. And I DO feel dumb, but I'm going with it anyway and just mourning my loss.

Either way, Matt and I agreed that the way we feel right now makes it such that every child is going to be held up to the standard of Cookie--and NO child is going to fit that bill. Matt was quick to point out that we always thought every child would be held up to the standard of Graham... and then Cookie came along. I guess his point is that this too shall pass and we will move on from it to love another little being the same way.

Graham is feeling it, too. I've had to remind him twice that Cookie wasn't coming back. We were in the library and he wanted to take a book home to read to Cookie. I had to very gently tell him that Cookie went back to her mommy... "Remember?". Another time we were in a store and he asked if a particular toy was a baby toy. I told him it was. He asked if he could have it. I said "No". He asked again and I told him it was for babies--not for big boys. He then told me he wanted to teach Cookie how to use it. Ugh... I had to stop right there in WalMart, kneel down to his level and gently remind him that Cookie lived with her mommy now. This morning we were snuggling in my & Matt's bed and I asked Graham who we loved. He said "YOU!". I hugged him and asked "Who else?" He said "Poppa..." and I asked "Who else?" (thinking he'd say himself) and he said "Cookie..." I said "Yeah, we do love Cookie. Who else?" He responds "Buddy..." It just broke my heart. He's clearly connecting with the babies. At this point, I redirect him to loving the dogs; but I feel badly for him. He misses her as much as we do. His own little personal fan club.

I did go through a weird thing last week with food. Did I post about this? I didn't want to cook... which is not really new--Matt's been doing 99% of the cooking for easily a year. But I didn't want HIM to cook, either. No cooking in the house! Period. I didn't want ANYone cooking. And I really didn't feel much like eating. In fact, there were 2-3 days where I fed Graham and sat there with him at lunch... but I didn't eat.

At least I haven't been holed up crying for 10 days and not functioning. That would really be the worst.

... and what a relief THAT is. We're okay. We're not crying all the time. I don't swell every time I come across something that reminds me of her. Matt and I are able to talk about her without it become cry-fest. Honestly, her first overnight away (4 days and 3 nights) was much worse. It was Mother's Day weekend, but really--the holiday didn't make it any better or worse. It was just her being away from us and the reality of her going home and not knowing if mom would stay on track. That was a really hard weekend. I even cried when she came home.

But we're okay now. We're both a little surprised by it, too.

I'm working on inventorying the baby and kids clothing. I'm going to toss anything I wouldn't put on a child going out of this house. I'm going to eBay the stuff that I know I will probably never use and still has tags. Then I'm going to sort the rest by size, gender (or gender-neutral) and season (just hot and cold). I'm going to note it on a sheet and then I'll know what I have and what I don't if need be.

I'm sure at some point, I'm going to give up and get rid of ALL of it; but I don't feel like it's time yet. I'm certainly getting rid of some of it, though.

It's hard to know what to do with the bedrooms. We're going to proceed with meeting our adoptive match a few times. We've also decided that if she doesn't fit with us (or we don't fit with her) that we're going to take the summer off, and then go back to fostering infants. Since Cookie's departure hasn't sent us to our beds crying for days on end, we know we could do it again. So I hesitate to change Cookie's room into the playroom in case our match works out... because then it would be her room.

We should meet her next week (hopefully) or the week after (at the latest). I'm a little nervous about it. I feel like the fact that I'm so mentally prepared to have the summer with JUST Graham will mean that the match will work! LOL! Isn't that always the way?

She was with us from 5 days old. She left today.

We were struggling to find a way to provide closure for Graham. We decided he needed to say goodbye and really have something to DO with her going. We've been preparing him for over a week that Cookie was going home to her mommy and that she misses her mommy so much... blah, blah, blah... We already started the day with "celebrating" that Cookie gets to be with her mommy, but it didn't really feel like a party day... kwim?

We had a little while before the caseworker came and Cookie was taking a bottle. Matt was holding her, and Graham started mimicking her--position in my lap, kicking feet when she did, etc. I think it was his way of saying goodbye to her and dealing with it.

I did have him pick out a book for her to take home and he chose one that we had bought FOR her long ago and it was in her room until recently. I searched his bookshelf for it and couldn't find it--so I asked him to come pick a book for her to take home. He went to his bookshelf and grabbed THAT book. I was so annoyed that I asked him where he found it and he brought me to his bookshelf--but I swear I had searched EVERY SHELF. I had him put it in her duffle, and then had him fill another duffle with the outgrown clothes and asked him if he thought she would have enough clothes to wear. I made him pack the pic of her birthparents.

But he went out back before she left and now she's gone and he's acting fine. I'm sure it will crop up here and there going forward, but it's not the crying fit he had when the girls left--so I feel a LOT better about it.

Matt and I are intermittently tearing, but overall--we've made our peace with it. We realized that she was sent to us to teach us that we WERE capable of loving a child that wasn't ours by blood. If we didn't hurt to see her go, we would never know that. Likewise, she wouldn't have known the love that an infant deserves to know--even if they can't be with their parents. And since we hope to adopt and worried about this--it was an important lesson. And she needed our help when we were able to give it.

I hope her mother continues on this path. I hope she never comes back into care. Of course, if she does, we will be first in line to take her in...

Why do we want more kids? I'm thinking about all the things we could do with Graham because it's only one child... all the time we could devote to him... how happy we are together. Even if we had given birth, that child could have needs that would shatter this happy picture.

I'm starting to believe that straight fostering has been such a gift. We have the blessing of family without the committment. It sounds so shallow, but the reality is that it's a mutually beneficial situation: these kids NEED a place to be that can help them and love them, and we have that to give. Likewise, we love the feeling of family, but are also very happy to have time where it's just the 3 of us. We COULD take breaks more often--we just have opted not to. Some foster parents take a break after every placement. We accept them one on top of the other.

So I think we're taking the summer off unless the adoptive match pans out. We're really nervous about that. Frankly, I'm starting to think that we may never want to adopt UNLESS it was a child we've fostered. I just feel like the adoptive process can move too quickly.

But right now, I think Graham may need some time, too. I'm starting to wonder if he's going to be okay with Cookie leaving. Recently we were in the car and he unlatched the top part of his carseat-belt. I told him that he needed to stop doing that or the police would think I didn't take care of him. He asked "Like Cookie's mommy?" and I said "Yes". Since then, there have been a few intances of him saying something about being taken away for misbehaving. It's hard to tell if he actually believes this, or is just being manipulative. Either way, I don't like it.

Cookie is his biggest fan. And he LOVES an audience. I think her leaving is going to be hard on him. They are frick and frack. I thought he'd be far enough in age that this wouldn't be an issue, but she adores him and he knows it. So I'm glad we'll be empty for a while so I can spoil him with attention.

We'll see how the summer goes. The reality is: I'm a better mom with more than one child. When I just have one, I feel like it's so little work that "I'll get to it". I have this problem in every aspect of my life and it really is a problem. But when I have a lot on my plate, I kick into gear, get organized and get things done. I feel like that's such a crappy way to parent. So this summer, I'm going to really work on that. I love my little guy. I just hope that carries me through to moving my butt a little more.

The other day we were driving home from and the kids were laughing in the back seat. I thought about Cookie going home and the prospect of adopting another little girl the state has called about (an older one through the adoptive unit--not foster)... and what a mess it all seemed to be. For a second, my eyes swelled and I asked him "How did this happen to us?"

How did our quest to have more than one child go from something as seemingly simple as HAVING another child... to this.

I've decided that since everything happens for a reason and a purpose, that God has sent Cookie to us to teach us that we were capable of loving a child that wasn't our own by blood. She has fulfilled her purpose; and without our sadness and missing her, we wouldn't know how strong we could possibly feel about a child that had no biological connection to us at all.

She taught us an incredibly valuable lesson.

So I do have some peace about her leaving--knowing that her life has other purpose now... and so does ours. It was our last day together and a great day at that. It was just a regular day. I only felt moved to swell with tears once: when I realized that in the car, going to breakfast, Cookie was trying to sing the song Graham keeps singing ("Amen, Omen" by Ben Harper). I instantly thought that I could get it on CD and send it home with her for her mother to hear. Then I listened to the words:

"Amen omen, will I see your face again?
"Amen omen, can I find the place within
"To live my life without you?"

THAT made my eyes swell for a minute.

It was supposed to rain all day, so Matt and I planned a "Star Wars Festival" for Graham. We told him he could dress up in his X-Wing fighter uniform (an astronaut uniform from Halloween) when we go out for breakfast... which he did. We watched Star Wars movies broken up by earning another Lego Star Wars ship (the Imperial Dropship) and a treasure hunt that found two more episodes of the series. We put together the Dropship outside. Well, Graham did most of it himself despite the fact that the package is rated for 7-12yo's. Cookie watched from her saucer while Matt mowed the back lawn and I swept the maple seed pods from the patio. It was just nice.

Surprisingly, I'm okay. I have these passing daydreams about her mother calling me for help and having to drive there to rescue the two of them... but I know how stupid that is. I think about how her mother's going to handle the changes in her life... if she's going to relapse... if she does--will anyone be around to help Cookie? I wonder. But I wonder about all the possibilities with all of them--even the ones I'm relieved to see go.

I have a beautiful little dress for Cookie to wear home, but it's going to be too cold for it. So now I have no idea what I'm going to put on her. She doesn't have anything "special" that's appropriate for the cold tomorrow. Not that fits, anyway. Maybe if I have some time in the morning I can go buy her a little dress.

Hoping Graham handles this one alright. We've had some discussions about Cookie missing her mommy and vice versa. I think he understands it. About two weeks ago I explained to him that her mommy had called and really missed Cookie and asked if she could come home and I said that she could. Graham asked if she would come back and I said "No, honey, I don't think she would." He was quiet for a second and asked if Buddy was coming back. I told him that he wouldn't.

We walked down the stairs together, quietly. At the bottom of the stairs, he asked me what I thought Cookie's mommy would call her. I asked him what he thought and he said that she could call her Cookie, or her birth name or the name that we IN PASSING thought we'd name a future daughter (he's heard it TWICE). I told him I thought she would call the baby by her birth name. He continued to play.

Suddenly, I'm enjoying him more. I'm looking forward to it just being the three of us for a while. I'm looking forward to a break. I sometimes think of the new child and wonder if we just need time alone as a family for a while--to re-evaluate what we want. Last night I asked Matt why we even want more kids and neither of us can really articulate it, but we also can't deny that we can't put it to bed, either.

So we'll move forward. Cookie will leave and we'll find out more about the potential adoptive placement... maybe we'll meet her. I'm sure it won't be too long before CPS calls us with another foster placement. Honestly, I think our resource worker must've told them to hold off on us pending Cookie's leaving and the incoming adoptive placement. They try to minimize disruption in the home if they can. But I know at the end of the day, if they don't have a home for a child--they're going to call.

In the meantime, I shot out an e-mail Lena and Amanda's caseworker to see how the girls are doing. It's almost a year ago to the day since they came. It was May 24th and we've had placements ongoing until Cookie leaves tomorrow--May 19th. It's been an interesting year. We've learned a lot. I don't regret it.

My next e-mail will be to Carl's caseworker. I wonder if he's still at home or hospitalized again. I can't imagine what will become of him. I'm almost wondering if I should bother e-mailing the caseworker. **SIGH**

Cookie just left for her visit. Her last visit before going home on Monday. As I putter through the house, getting myself together for the day, I'm seeing things here and there that will need to be packed to go with her. And I'm not crying. My eyes are not swelling with tears.

Is it possible that I've made my peace with it?

I don't know. I know I was really having a hard time this weekend while Cookie was gone. I wondered if it would be easier or worse when she was gone for good and I knew she wasn't coming back. I still wonder.

I did tell the caseworker that all calls were off after the 19th. I'm thinking that may not have been the wisest thing to do. Maybe I need to be available for a little transition time in case mom has a panic about something.

... is walking into her room, seeing the empty crib, breathing in deeply, and smelling her. But she's not here.

It's the smell.

Not seeing her things everywhere I turn. Not folding clothes for a child that isn't here. Not tripping over the saucer and the swing. Not seeing the bouncy seat next to our bed. It's the smell of her. The smell of sweet skin and diaper cream and oatmeal made with prune juice.

It's just the smell of her.

Of course, Cookie's mother called this morning and read me something that just put me into tears about how being a mother has changed her so much. She then thanked me for taking care of the baby so well and involving her so much. All I could do was cry.

She told me that she spoke to the birthfather. It was a lot of mixed messages. The result was clear: he didn't want to be with her and the result was that she spent a day in bed. I told her that I thought that was miraculous given what she could have done. Maybe I shouldn't have said that.

But I put her in the car, kissed her, said "Lovey, lovey" and went inside. My eyes just welled up. I miss her already and I know she's coming back on Monday.

Her mom wanted to be sure she had the schedule right... the feeding correct. What to use on her ears and her diaper area. Asking if X would be alright instead. Checking to be sure she was doing the right things. I had to respect that she didn't assume to know it all just because Cookie was hers. You hear about parents that do that: they assume the child is theres and despite the fact they haven't been living together, the parent would "just know" what to do and to use. Usually to the child's dismay. So I am glad that the mother goes through it with me with such detail.

Some foster parents wouldn't have that kind of contact and just let the birthparent fail. But I know that Cookie would suffer in the meantime--and I just love her so much.

I'm not sure what to do now. On one hand, we feel like we should take a break, reassess ourselves and decide whether to keep fostering. On the other hand, I feel like if we're left without another child to distract us, it will be worse.

I don't know...

It's raining today. How appropriate.

I told Graham today that Cookie's mommy wanted Cookie to come live at home. I told Graham that Cookie's mommy missed her so much. Graham asked if Cookie would come back and I told him "no". So then he asked if Buddy would come back and I told him "no". He was quiet as we finished going down the stairs. Then he started on about what Cookie's mother would call her... and running through the list of available names for her (Cookie, her real name, and the name we had reserved for our own future child if we were to have a girl).

But court confirmed it that she will go home on May 19th. They go back to court in August and the caseworker said that even if they close the case in August, the mother will still be in monitoring & supervision for at least another 3 months. That would put them in early November. The birthmother's mom is planning to move out of state in January. Between that and the holidays, I wish they would monitor her through that.

I just pictured saying goodbye and telling her to be a good girl and I started to cry at how ridiculous that was because she just WAS a perfect child.

I feel like she is as much my own as Graham. And Matt feels the same way. But we also know that her mother has worked really hard to get where she is and to have her daughter back.

In some ways, it's reassuring: we now know that we COULD love another child who is not ours no different than if they were ours. So at least we know that it's possible to adopt a child and love them like our own blood. Yeah--I know people do it all the time, but they're not me. Just because other people can do it doesn't mean we could. And whose to say that they're not lying? Or maybe they don't have their own and therefore they don't know the difference--ya know?

But we can. And we do.

And we worry that if mom relapses (as she has been known to do after significant periods of sobriety)... what will Cookie endure or suffer before someone rescues her? Will she even be in this state?

My sweet girl. My sweet, HAPPY, loving, brown-haired happy baby girl. I just have no clue how I'm going to handle it. And I feel so dumb--because she's not mine and I know it and I've always known it and I worked above and beyond maintaining her connection to her mom. But I love her. I love her so much...

Mother and I attend an evaluation from a developmental pediatrician. The night before the evaluation, I e-mail the mother to assure her that she is the baby’s mother and therefore she should just look at it as if I was there to help her and nothing else. I also assure her that none of the medical professionals involved in the baby’s care have made any kind of negative judgment about the drug exposure, the foster care situation or the mother (she had expressed concern about this); and that since I have been through evaluations like this, that if I believe what they are saying to be far-fetched, I will advocate for a second opinion.

At the evaluation, I allow the mother to take the lead and only answer questions when I know she either looks to me or goes silent and assumes I will answer--but allowing her to be "mom" and me to be "caretaker". Dr. notes things already known about her delays and finds the baby’s prognosis to be good although he notes she is likely to be bipolar. He expresses agreement with delaying additional Early Intervention time for cognitive delays.

A transport worker who had proven to be troublesome for this mother in making false statements to CPS and myself about the mother did the mother’s transport for this evaluation and reported strange behavior after the evaluation. The caseworker calls me to understand the mother’s behavior during the evaluation. I tell the caseworker that I have been in the mother’s shoes with my own biological child for the exact same evaluations (albeit different causes of problems) and have behaved much like this mother did; and went on to explain the emotions involved. Caseworker is satisfied and mother gets her first unsupervised visit on 4/9. I send the mother my cell phone number in case she has any questions.

On 4/16 baby returns from a visit acting strange with disrupted sleep and a fit of inconsolable screaming even though she is not breaking a tooth (and not doing her typical teething things). Mother has been out of touch all afternoon and doesn’t respond to give a feeding/sleeping update—which is out of character for her. CPS advises that Cookie’s grandmother is unhappy here and Cookie’s mothers work hours are so few that the grandmother is supporting them. Grandmother is also a waitress.

In another e-mail, I update her on my sister-in-law who had exited rehab in February (the mother had been asking in January).

Mother goes to her first “commitment” at local mental health facility. This is somehow related to sobriety and she is nervous about speaking.

At this point, there are no more e-mails between the mother and I; but there proceed to be some phone calls

PMS is still a big problem. I need to take my meds more faithfully. 'Nuff said.

Buddy left us a week ago today. He went to a SHSP ("ships") home. They serve "medically fragile" children. We thought the respite foster parent was ridiculous when she said he was choking so frequently, but he was home about 5 days and had 4 incidents of stopping breathing in 48 hours. So on one hand, I'm sorry he left; but on the other--I'm glad: I don't want to have a child die in my care. We tried to find immediate CPR training, but apparently that doesn't exist.

Buddy being in our care started to make us wonder if we could bond with a child of another race. Not just African-American... but any child that didn't look like they could be ours. Combined with the very unsettling incident we had at WalMart (when I was alone with the 3 kids and told by 2 AA women that I should find my own kids and stop stealing black babies) I'm not sure how to approach adoption outside of my race. Is this something you get used to? And even if other people GET used to it... could we?

Wednesday we were told that Cookie would be recommended to go home on 5/19. It's possible that the judge won't wait 12 days (court is on 5/7) and she'll go home immediately. I just went out and bought her a new wardrobe. I would have had to do it anyway because she just hit a new size. She'll start her new life well dressed if nothing else! I'm going to miss her.

The next day we got a call from Trenton to say we had been matched for adoption. Of course it's a little AA girl... almost 2yo. Something is very wrong with her because she's not walking yet and has a ton of Early Intervention therapy. Speech/communication, OT and PT. We agreed to find out more, but are really concerned about her not walking. She may be more special needs than we can handle given Graham's stuff.

Oh... Graham's "stuff"... includes being at a small gathering today at a park where he was the oldest child and 5 of them run off to hide under a huge holly tree. Suddenly, Graham is crying and screaming only to find that one of the kids has thrown dirt/sand into his mouth and face. The two other boys were apparently the culprits and they were 3-ish. All I could think was that we were in for a lifetime of this kind of crap. That maybe I was naive to think he wouldn't qualify for his diagnosis this year.

I'm tired. I just want to sleep. And I'm not pregnant again.

Matt has been in Las Vegas all week at a convention and Buddy has been in a respite home for the week. Graham had been getting sick--which meant he was up intermittently each night. Buddy had his days and nights mixed up. With Matt here--that's doable: he takes one and I take the other. It's broken sleep, but sleep none-the-less. Without Matt, I would get one settled down with a 15 minute break before the other was up again. NO sleep. So I requested respite. Add to it that Cookie went on her first unsupervised visit.

It's been a really nice week. Cookie feels so much like my own that I just felt... I don't know... "normal". I felt like it was me and my two kids with my husband away. There was no trying to adjust to Buddy or being frazzled. Cookie's been here a long time and she's predictable. It was peaceful.

But it's Friday and Buddy came home this afternoon. Matt's plane should be landing in 23 minutes. We had a rough week of it, Matt and I, and it ended with a 4am screaming match last night. I think we were both overtired and upset about being apart. Thankfully, it's okay now.

I'm going to miss Cookie horribly. I'm surprised at how natural it felt to hold Buddy today when he came home. I was starting to feel like if he didn't come back, it was no big deal. I hadn't bonded with him really. I still feel that way--I just didn't realize how accepting I was of him, either. It's somewhat of a relief.

It's raining... so I have a migraine... plus the adrenaline that helps ease the migraine pain. Needless to say, staying up to welcome Matt home won't be too hard.

CPS confirms that they will not transition the baby home. On 3/9 I contact the baby’s GAL office regarding this matter and the lawyer contacts me stating that she “could not agree with me more”—requesting permission to use my e-mail in communicating with CPS’ attorney. (Subsequent to this, the baby does undergo transitioning).

Maternal aunt advises that the mother has lost both of her jobs (she was working at 2 diners). I relay to CPS and they confirm this—but were surprised to hear it from me as opposed to the mother.

Service provider worker supervising the visits notes that unsupervised visits will not happen until after 5/7 but caseworker tells me that after a 3/17 meeting they will begin in the next week or two for undefined periods of time. The caseworker tells me that the mother will have unsupervised visits for whatever periods of time I would have wanted Cookie to be in daycare (which at this point she is not). CPS also reverses their opinion that the maternal grandmother cannot be a “safe person” for the baby and supports a waiver to allow the grandmother and mother to live together without jeopardizing reunification. Caseworker states that they would prefer the grandmother live with the mother and child in case the mother relapses—they felt the grandmother would notify CPS.

Mother and grandmother move to a place in-county with all household items and furnishings supplied by a local organization and apparently the current service organization supervising visits will note what is missing for Cookie, and mother assumes CPS will supply it. She later notes delivery of a crib, but doesn't mention shopping for it. Mother and grandmother sharing a vehicle since the accident.

Visits start in the mother's home.

Early Intervention agrees to increase therapy to 2 hours/week due to the lack of significant progression and the severity of the baby's hypertonia and some recent regressions. They consider adding a third hour because she is still cognitively delayed. She's 7 months and starts babbling; and eats like a champ.

Carl left us on 3/11. We really just couldn't take it anymore. He AGAIN tried to throw something at Graham and enough was enough already. I really couldn't take the chance that the judge would keep him in care past 3/20. They sent him HOME and then on 3/20, the older sister was sent home as well (to get her out of the shelter). Graham hasn't even batted an eye. Nor have Matt and I. I don't even really feel bad about it: he didn't belong in a regular foster home. We did well beyond the call of duty.

We have a new resource worker. That's like a caseworker for foster parents. She rocks. When we need something or have a question, she looks up the person we're talking about or the child and gives us the dirt. It's remarkably helpful. Did I mention we like her? LOL! And we find it easy to be honest with her about anything without worrying that she'll judge us. Major plus.

Meanwhile, while he was here, Carl fit in the back seat of the truck. On a lark, we decided to get the extra infant carrier and base from the attic and sure as shootin'... it fit. So Matt and I decided that maybe it would be best to stick to infants. First, I seriously don't have the patience for the older kids. I have NO FLAMING CLUE how I'm ever going to handle Graham at that age. Seriously. We weren't entirely certain we could HANDLE two infants, but it was worth trying.

So Carl left on Tuesday, 3/11 and I e-mailed DYFS on Friday morning to say we could take another infant. Then I spoke to the placement coordinator about the ages we could accommodate with the current vehicle configuration. Monday night, 3-week old Bitty Buddy Bear arrived (aka "Buddy"). He's African-American and has SO MUCH HAIR. He's also been here 2 weeks and has really been miserable. As of today, we changed him over to soy-based formula to see if that helps AT ALL. His mother has had two visits with him. The first she brought an enormous entourage and was told that if she did that again--the visit would be cancelled. The second one, she and her grandmother showed up but the mother left within 15 minutes of the 2-hour visit. Her grandmother (the baby's great-grandmother) stayed.

Buddy has already rolled over 3 times and as of today, he's only 5 weeks old. He went through what LOOKED like withdrawal, but he was born clean (per the tests--which are really not all that sensitive to marijuana, mom's drug of choice). Mom was testing positive after the birth and thus the removal. Apparently, she is from an entire family of DYFS cases (thus the baby is not with a relative). But I think it's too soon to tell whether or not her behavior is indicative of how the case will turn out. Hell, NOBODY thought Cookie would ever go home... and she starts unsupervised visitations soon.

Cookie's caseworker said that DYFS intends to just take her one day--no transition. I told her that THAT would be a letter I would be writing to the judge. I'm also going to e-mail her mother and see if we can get on the same side about it.

I'm addicted to coffee. I'm trying to stop.

Graham is addicted to swimming. I'm trying to encourage! ;)

and Carl IS leaving on 3/20. He doesn't know that yet. It's a matter of whether a judge will send him home, or if DYFS will find a treatment home for him. I don't think he should go home. His lawyer's investigator will be here on Tuesday and she doesn't feel strong about him staying out of his house, then I'm either going to write a letter to the judge or show up in court. This kid has problems. He is certainly responding and certainly getting better--but there really is no way we can provide this level of effort to help him long-term. That's a therapeutic level of care and we have two other kids to consider. We're not set up for that. And we've told him as much.

Manipulative? ALL pre-teens and teens are manipulative. It comes with the territory. But man--this is ridiculous. And you can't even fathom how far he takes it. Then, when it's not working, the fall is really hard. Yesterday, I thought I might actually have to call Mobile Response and have him removed right then and there. I had never seen him so angry in the 3 weeks since he's been here. Matt actually had to get off of a conference call (on a Saturday--so it was an important call) to work with him. The thing is, you can't just do whatever to calm him down. He can't think that he can pull that kind of behavior and get what he wants. We have to work through it. Otherwise, the behavior never changes.

But we are ready for him to leave. We both feel horrible about the fact that we are literally counting the days... but we are.

In the meantime, I saw a beautiful little African-American boy on another state's adoptive photolisting. We were both nervous about adopting outside of our race (we're Caucasian) and the more different a child looked to us, the more worried we were. Part of it WAS us and whether or not we'd be able to look at that child and think it was our own; but another part of it was Matt's family. I'm Caucasian and 1/4 Italian and I am still an outsider. I'll never be one of them. How would it be for a child who was dark-skinned AA? But we both saw the picture and the description and neither of us really cared. He was just beautiful. He's also undoubtedly taken since the profile only marked some speech issues and NOTHING else. We would take more issues, he just doesn't happen to have any per the profile. Of course, the profile doesn't always tell you--but often they give enough info so that if you can "read between the lines", you know there are at least issues even if you don't know exactly what they are. This child had none; but that could be a novice profile writer.

Right now it's just Cookie and I... enjoying the silence. Matt took Graham to karate (he's now a level higher due to his January birthday) and Carl went with them to get out of the house. They're late coming home and I'm hoping that means they got Graham a haircut. I can pray, at least.

Cookie starts to grab things (although less with her left arm) and physical therapy continues with a new therapist as the old one was coming late. She had rolled over once near New Years, but not since (which is not surprising because she requires her arms to do so). Baby makes it through 2/3 of her 1-hour session before being completely worn out; but making great progress since we follow through daily the rest of the week. Near the end of the month she can hold her bottle briefly and finally starts rolling over again.

Baby starts on solid foods even though she's unable to sit up (this was with doctor's blessing).

Mother warns that grandmother will be at a visit and therefore baby shouldn't be in pink although the mother loves it.

I suffer pneumonia although the kids appear to be fine.

Cookie is returned home not strapped into the carseat. Service provider supervising the visit didn't check after the mother put her in the seat.

Mother has a car accident about 2/15 and waits 3 days to go to the hospital to get checked for significant pain in her chest. She says it was "technically" her fault. About this time she also starts a new job. She cited difficulties with the "bus boy turned manager" and said her mother tried to talk to him as well about giving her more hours before going elsewhere. Her new schedule is between two diners and very demanding.

Mother notes she contacted an organization to help her with things for the place she and her mother will live in starting March because she only has things for Cookie plus a set of pots and pans; but nothing else.

Mother also sends pictures from her visit to my cell phone for the first time.

I am advised by CPS caseworker that there will be no transitioning Cookie home—she will be picked up and moved on a future return date which is contrary to what I was told earlier in the case. I proceed to appeal to the caseworker and her boss about this in writing/e-mail (2/15) citing concerns about the impact to both the child AND the mother.

Cookie is getting two new teeth. On top, but not the FRONT teeth--these are the next ones over. So they'll fit over her bottom teeth! LOL! After putting her down for a nap a few days ago, Matt turned to me and said "Does it make me a horrible person to wish her mother would fall off the wagon?". I looked at him. I didn't know what to say because while I never actually hoped it, I would occasionally worry that something had happened in the case and wonder if she HAD relapsed--and briefly thought about what it would be like if the baby could stay. The thing is that we are both so panicked that she's going to relapse when the baby comes home--and do something harmful to Cookie. Her history is SO LONG that the odds are so far out of her favor for staying clean. I'd just rather the baby not have to suffer through whatever could happen. I know Matt feels the same way.

Carl started school today. THANK GOD! Because we were both really having enough of each other. And when I picked him up and asked how his day went, his response was "AWESOME!!". I couldn't even BELIEVE it. Seriously. WHAT a blessing.

Graham, on the other hand, has had some potty training regression. I think the disruption of Carl coming into the house and not quite fitting here right away has taken a mental toll on him. NOTHING like when the girls were here--so he IS getting better with accepting and adjusting to changes in his environment. But potty training has taken a small step backward.

Gotta run!

I'm so fortunate the the two foster children I have now come from two counties that "get" that this is truly my JOB. I'm not babysitting. I'm troubleshooting some serious issues and unlike babysitting, I am making recommendations on the course of care (mental and medical) and therapy based on what I'm seeing in my home. That requires careful observation, research and training (that I often have to find for myself). I'm lucky that the two I'm dealing with now respect my opinions and input. That seriously was not the case with the last placements. I was a non-existent babysitter.

For me, it is definitely a job. I think the misunderstanding is that most people would never actually do their jobs if there wasn't a paycheck attached... so to speak about fostering like that makes us sound like it's all about the money when the reality is, you carry the same responsibilities as a job with prerequisites to meet and standards and goals to maintain. You constantly keep yourself current on emerging information and research so that you can meet your objectives the best they can. And they're not our kids. To me, that's a job. And like many of the traditional JOBS out there that enrich peoples lives and make the world a better place, our paycheck has nothing to do with it.

Ugh... I hate when people look at you like you're using these poor kids to gain an income when you refer to fostering as a job. Like it's a money mill. I'm sure people have done it and because I'm a SAHM, we certainly have money left over with Cookie. If I were working, most of (if not all of it) would go to the cost of daycare that the state doesn't cover. But I'm home--so we get to keep that. I spend a lot of it on her, but there's definitely some left over. With the older kids, there's absolutely not a dime left over. Especially in the summer. During the school year, they qualify for free breakfast and lunch (although we never let them eat the school breakfast). Lunch and not being home for morning snack alone saves us a bundle with them. Their clothing is another story and that's really hard. But those are the kids where you actually SEE where you can make a difference with them.

Carl has problems. What's worse is that he's been brainwashed to believe that he has countless, horrible, unfixable problems that will doom him to a life of making other people constantly upset and angry--and him being yelled at. We're all adjusting. But I see clearly the importance of doing my job as a foster parent well. Thankfully, so does the state.

We took in a new foster placement today. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or what. He's a 12yo boy with blue eyes and screaming red hair. He's small for his age and although DYFS maintains that he's bipolar, he's on Adderall and Clonadine. The latter is the only thing that applies to bipolar. He came with a thick IEP and an Emotional Disturbance classification--so I need to read. Of course, had I read Amanda's IEP--I'd have never taken her. Seriously. The school said the same thing: it was scary. So I'm not sure what to think.

Carl. Graham is BESIDE himself with excitement, but I think I heard Carl snap on him already. Of course, it was day 1. He was removed from his family about 24 hours ago and is already on his second foster placement. His grandmother died last weekend and he's been separated from his parents and all four of his siblings. If I had a 4yo saying my name EVERY 30 SECONDS, I might snap, too. He didn't touch him, but he uttered a gutteral, angry "STOP" to him. And honestly, I'm not even sure that happened, but I think it's what I heard.

I have no clue why we did this. I know DYFS was desperate because they place the kids in their own county, then the neighboring one before getting to mine. The other kids were already placed. Matt and I worry that we won't have the time to devote to Graham that he needs. But then we know Carl will be in school most of the day and we'll have that time with Graham one-on-one. We felt like we're probably exactly the kind of foster parents this kid needs. Matt and I both struggled with what to do about it. We decided to take him, but we put DYFS on alert that our own bio son was dealing with issues. We said that we fully expect there to be issues with Carl, but if Carl drained us to the point where we couldn't properly address Graham's issues--he would need to leave. They understood. I honestly think they were looking at placing him in a group home if we didn't take him.

Unfortunately, it looks like there may be a leak in the back roof... causing damage to our brand new bedroom and possibly soaking the insulation under the walls. Don't even ask me what that means because I can't even swallow the thought at the moment. At minimum, Petunia will move into our bedroom and Carl will use her room until it's fixed. That's seriously the least of it.

I'm nervous. Especially since it will be easily a week before Carl can get into school. What the heck am I going to do with him? Especially with Graham at his heels? Ugh... Why do we do this?

Cookie passes a hearing test requested by the state. Mother is flagged as a flight risk (1/16) due to comments she made about getting the baby a passport to go to the country the birthfather lives in. CPS also advises the grandmother that if she lived with Cookie’s mother and Cookie was returned to the mother, that the grandmother would be asked to leave based on her CPS case history (1/16). CPS caseworker’s supervisor returns from maternity leave (from late August through approx. 1/18).

Mother also tells me not to allow her aunt to visit with the baby without going through the mother vs. the statement she made in Nov. about allowing her to visit with the baby, but not during her only 2-hour visit (due to the stress between them). CPS says that we can continue to visit with the mother's aunt as a means of maintaining family connection because the mother is engaging in control issues. The mother doesn't let this issue go all month. We add video to the website so the mother can see Cookie laughing. Cookie is sleeping 12 hours/night at this point (she is 5 months old) and through the intermittent drug backlash episodes that had continued through the last month.

Cookie starts physical therapy through Early Intervention--1 hour/week (plus we work with her the rest of the week). Her left arm has a "frozen shoulder" making it worse than the right arm, but after 2 weeks of regular working with her she is moving the left arm (thrashing it). Cookie is seen by an orthopedist to rule out hip dysplasia as her legs don't appear to line up properly (she is cleared). Dr. warns to watch her left leg since neurological damage can affect the entire side of the body and her left arm is clearly more affected than her right one. He sees no physical interference in her shoulders and concurs that her problems are neurological. Cookie is now squawking at our son to get his attention and they are clearly bonded. I contact the Medicaid HMO for approval for a neurodevelopmental evaluation per the CPS nurse’s request (it is approved and scheduled for 4/4).

Mother is preparing for Cookie's return home "soon" buying diapers, clothing, nursery bedding, etc. Caseworker warns that is it possible that the baby could be returned by late March (1/16). CPS attempts to coordinate Early Intervention therapy sessions at the CPS office with both myself and the mother attending in preparation for potential return home. Mother is living somewhere in-county while she and her mother look for an in-county place to live together. In the meantime, local service provider starts supervising visits as some sort of therapeutic/parenting program but they are not happening at the mother's place of residence because the mother claims it is too small for visits.

I am notified of court hearing on 1/30 and advise CPS caseworker’s supervisor that I have no concerns beyond what I assume CPS and the baby’s Guardian ad Litem are not already addressing and therefore see no need to attend or send letter.

In late December there was a team meeting that I attended. I knew I'd meet Cookie's mother, and that's partially WHY I went. It was uncomfortable at first because they explained to her (for the first time) what concurrent planning was; and that Matt & I adopting Cookie was her concurrent plan. See, the way it works is that the state works the plan, and simultaneously works a backup plan. We are Cookie's backup plan. Cookie's mother had NO CLUE that this was the situation; and suddenly I wasn't the woman e-mailing her updates of her daughter in hopes of keeping them close--I was someone with an interest in keeping her child. Ick.

After the meeting I told her how bad I felt that she didn't know that, and I reassured her that we weren't out to keep her baby--that we'd never give her so much info and pictures if we were. She hugged me and seemed relieved. But I got an e-mail just a few days ago where she admitted that when she didn't hear back about the baby's hearing test that she momentarily thought that I was trying to keep the baby from her. She said it in the context of knowing how ridiculous it was, but then why say that?

As it is, during the meeting they discussed that every court date is a decision about where the baby will be. The mother took that and ran with it. They have court again on Jan. 30th and she has gone out and bought all kinds of stuff in preparation for the baby coming home--including diapers and wipes. No crib, but all kinds of other things. At the meeting she was told that she couldn't have custody of the baby if she lived with her mother. There was a substantiated claim of abuse against the mother (abuse toward's Cookie's mother, actually) that prevented her from getting custody when Cookie's mother couldn't have it. Now, Cookie's mother claims that neither she nor her mother have any clue what that claim is about. The team told her that her mother should then appeal to have the claim removed; and NOT to move in with her mother until it was removed. Meanwhile, the two have just rented a home to live in.

Cookie's mother is also trying to get her Social Security number. I gave her the head's up that she couldn't claim Cookie on her returns and she says that she knows. Apparently (through the grapevine) she is trying to get a passport to take the baby to central america where the birthfather is. So, he left in June, baby was born in August and he has made no contact with the birthmother, her family or the state. In one e-mail, the mother made reference to him coming back once the baby was back with her--so I wondered if that was her motivation for getting custody. Now I seriously wonder--since she's had no contact with him since. So she's going to take the baby there and say "LOOK! She's here and she's with me!"?? Insanity.

Then there's the situation with the mother's aunt. The mother cut the aunt out of mom's visitation with the baby. At the time, she told the caseworker (or so the cw told me) that she didn't mind the aunt seeing the baby, but she didn't want to give up any of HER time with the baby (which is only 2 hours/week) and certainly didn't need the tension between the two of them around the baby. These were absolutely respectable reasons. Well, after our meeting she found out that I visited with the aunt the day before. The aunt had a Christmas gift for Cookie. That was Dec. 27th and it's still eating at her something fierce. Yesterday's e-mail even asked how often I see the aunt and for how long. This is after telling me via e-mail that if the aunt wanted info about her daughter, she could come to the mother. I gently reminded the mother that SHE cut the aunt out--so if I were her aunt, I would be waiting for the mother to come to me. The mother conveniently chose not to respond to this. Of course, I have conveniently chose not to respond to her subsequent statements about the aunt; and have asked the caseworker if I HAVE to cut her off. The caseworker doesn't seem to think so, but we'll see.

The best is that the state only plans to follow-up on the mother for 3-4 months after she has custody. That little tidbit sent me over the edge. I typed everything up and e-mailed it to the baby's lawyer's office. The investigator called me within the hour and set up an appointment to come out on Wednesday. Honestly, all I really want is for the state to follow the mother for a full year. If they'll do that, I won't make a stink. Especially if that includes drug testing. The mother doesn't realize that she can't leave the country while the state still has supervision of her. As it is, I think that will make her nuts for 3-4 months. If it's a year that she can't go hunting for the birthfather, I think she will actually hand the baby back over.

Meanwhile, the physical therapist was here yesterday and said that Cookie definitely has hypertonia. I cried. I also wrote the whole thing up for mom, the caseworker and the state nurse. And I included the information that this is damage to the baby's central nervous system. The nurse wants a neurodevelopmental evaluation done on the baby and I already have the names from the Medicaid HMO for the local developmental neurologists. I didn't forward THAT info to the mother. But I wonder if she will realize that this COULD be a lifelong issue, or if she will, as usual, look at it like everything is going to be fine--just give her that baby so she can use her to chase down the birthfather.

Given that the baby has some physical markers for Fetal Alcohol Syndrome/Effect and now the news that she has hypertonia, I asked Matt what we would do if she were seriously disabled? If we would still want to adopt her? I seriously wondered if Matt would want to keep her (assuming it goes that route). I wondered if the problems with Graham would have Matt believe that we would be short-changing Graham in some way. I actually wondered how wise it would be myself. I had to ask Matt a few times to get a straight answer out of him. The last time I asked, he looked at her and she responded with just the happiest little smile in the world. He turned to me and said "How could we not?" I was so relieved. I never imagined loving her this much--problems and all; but I do. I can't believe that we are faced with the potential of a lifetime challenge, and not even thinking twice about it. I told Matt "We just can't manage to GET a normal kid in this house, can we?" and he said "Maybe that's our purpose."

He might be right.