I'm out of state for Cookie's hearing tomorrow and so help me: if it COULD go wrong, it is...

My lawyer is still out from her surgery and the covering lawyer... well, he gets back from vacation today and as of 4pm local time, still didn't have the info on the case. I'll meet him at court tomorrow. :(

My lawyer's office subpoena'd the mother's drug test results and criminal history but it looks like her third drunk driving offense from back home may not be in their files.

Plus, the baby's lawyer is accepting that the drug test is still not back instead of signing on to push for it.

Before all of this, I just felt at peace that whatever was meant to happen was going to happen; and that life would be fine if we lost tomorrow... that our family unit could go back to living a normal life (or to the extent that we could manage to create a normal life given the current relocation crap).

But now I'm anxious. Why can't I just hand it over? I guess I just feel like maybe I should've been more on top of things and now this child will suffer as a result. But that's very self-important of me. I'm doing what I'm capable of doing to protect her and in the end, God will have to protect her if I fall short. He will spare her like he spared me. I'm not completely in control of the situation.

I wish I could have peace the way I had about it this morning as I drove from the airport. I felt CLOSURE.

I love Cookie. I don't hate her mother, but I do feel she needs protection from her mother. I don't even hate the idea that if we lose tomorrow, she will feel empowered. She'll feel like she won, but she will still have a battle to fight... even if she gets Cookie back.

I just need to be strong.