April 1, 2009 (Wed): Mother texts that she has been thrown out of the elderly man’s house that she was living in. I speak to her briefly about getting assistance. She goes to her sister’s neighbor who allows her to use the phone to call around to get help and calls me from their house. She is going to a shelter.

April 2, 2009 (Thurs): Mother texts at 5:51am my time (almost 5am in her time zone) in a panic that her sister and sister’s children are filing felony charges for “felony-deadly force” and that this will be her third felony, putting her in jail for life. She pleads for help. Forty minutes later another text comes in begging me to tell them not to file charges.

April 3, 2009 (Fri): I unsuccessfully attempt to call 3 shelters in the area to reach the mother.

April 4, 2009 (Sat): Mother calls looking for money she alleges she needs for methadone maintenance on Monday. She claims that without the money, she will be in the hospital on Tuesday instead of in court. I tell her that I am unable to send money and ask about her IRS refund. She states that she “lost her mind and lost all her money” when the baby was removed from her. Knowing that this means she’s been using drugs, I ask her if she will even test clean at the methadone clinic. The mother hangs up on me.

Later that day Cookie’s grandmother calls me and expresses concern about Cookie’s mother regaining custody. We discuss the possibility of Cookie being returned to our state as we have no idea which state has custody; and the fact that if my family regains custody of her and the mother cannot manage to get clean again—that we would maintain Cookie’s family bonds. Grandmother is firm that Cookie should not return to her mother but instead should be sent to live with our family. The grandmother says she received a similar call from her daughter that morning (approximately 7am) looking for money. Phone calls and text messages continue between me and the grandmother until the next court date on 4/20.

April 6, 2009: My husband and I write a letter to the court stating our concern for Cookie’s welfare, our prior support of reunifying her with her mother and our desire to be included in any permanency plans if the court should pursue them. It is faxed to the courthouse and to CPS2.

Cookie’s grandmother receives a letter from local municipal court stating that they have vacated the 6 month jail sentence for the mother’s 3rd drunk driving offense and instead will allow the mother’s car to be fitted with a breathalyzer collar that requires a breath test before allowing the car to be turned on. Because the mother has not been in contact with the grandmother, the mother is unaware that she is no longer facing jail time here.

April 7, 2009 (Tues): I receive a call from the CPS2 caseworker stating that if we wished to intervene in the case, the next court date would be 4/21. Caseworker expresses concern about the ability of the mother to get clean enough to regain custody and the state’s obligation to allow her to work a case plan. When asked if we had legal standing to intervene she advised me to hire a lawyer as she wasn’t sure.

April 10, 2009 (Fri): I contact CPS2 caseworker to advise that we will be intervening. That morning the mother has a visitation with Cookie and the caseworker tells the mother that we will be intervening. The mother calls for the first time in nearly a week (from the shelter) asking what I was trying to do. I’m unable to speak to her as I’m at a party with my son and tell her that I will call her later.

Cookie is being moved to a new foster home this day and I send a care package to her first foster home—Fedex’d to arrive before the move. It contains clothing, diapers (by request of the foster mother who is not receiving board payments) and an Easter basket with non-edible gifts plus a card for the existing foster parents and the new foster parents with contact information.

The new foster parents e-mail that night with photos of Cookie. They e-mail after their Easter festivities with more pictures of her.

April 13, 2009 (Sun): mother will get on the phone with me at 5pm for 3 minutes to listen but not say anything. I tell her that she had been out of contact and we didn’t know how to find out what was going on without being acknowledged by the court as a party with interest and concern for Cookie. The mother listens but just “uh-huhs” me to acknowledge that she hears me.

Contact with the grandmother continues through phone calls and text messages. The grandmother remains firm about Cookie not going back to the care of her mother and says she will write a letter of support of our gaining custody to the court.

April 20, 2009 (Mon): I contact the grandmother to ask if she is still certain that she can support my husband and I going against her daughter in court and the grandmother says that she does and she loves us. This is the last time we hear from the grandmother.

Motion to intervene is carried because mother has not been served 3 days prior to hearing. Judge orders and expedited ICPC.

Apparently, Cookie's father knows what's going on. The aunt that lives here (in our state) got word that he was trying to contact her. We found it incredibly coincidental that he'd call now--when Cookie had been removed.

Turns out, he seems to know that Cookie's been removed and wants to help keep her from her mother. He's going to call me tomorrow.

The thing is: he's listed on the birth certificate, but never signed it. (actually I found out recently that no father is listed on the birth certificate) He's never seen Cookie and never contacted CPS. By all accounts, he completely abandoned her. I have no idea what value his involvement would have. I mean, will they even CARE about what he wants given that he's NEVER seen her and she's almost 2yo??

He told the aunt that he really just wants to be able to see her once in a while. Since he's drug-free and was always said to be a responsible and upstanding guy (albeit VERY young--he was 20 when she was born where mom was 36), I don't really have a problem with that. Really--I don't. Nobody's going to take her unsupervised so it's not an issue really. The biggest issue would be the mother because she always relapses and I'm pretty sure she'll never let it rest that SHE is the mother vs. acknowledging that we'd both have a hand in mothering her.

*sigh*

The whole things just sucks. It just really sucks.

Actually, court is worthy an entry all by itself--seriously--but more importantly were the outcomes.

Cookie's mom hadn't been served with our motion 3 days in advance; and a "service plan" (things mom had to do to get Cookie back) wasn't prepared yet. The service plan would lay out what level of parental rights and/or custody mom could have of Cookie--and therefore, how much sense it would make to allow us to intervene on the case. After all: if mom was getting the baby back and just had things that CPS would require of her--they wouldn't allow us to intervene.

But at the end of that hearing, Cookie was remaining in the care and custody of the state.

None-the-less, our motion to intervene was "carried". So it wasn't approved but it wasn't denied. Since the mother's lawyer had been served and he refused to accept, the judge allowed the hearing to be paused so that our lawyer's assistant could go get the document necessary to serve Cookie's mom. The assistant wasn't allowed to serve mom, so the judge told her to have the Deputy serve the mom. The Deputy came into the court room because he needed the judge to tell him to serve mom. Mom was finally served.

While we were waiting for the assistant to get the document, the judge tried to proceed "assuming mom would be served" and carried that motion; but ordered an ICPC (Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children) study be done on Matt and I (this is a study to show that we and our home were safe and stable for the placement of a foster child--and because we're already actively licensed with the state, it will go MUCH faster). When his court clerk asked if it should be expedited, he noted that Cookie was under 2 years old and said that it should be. An expedited study SHOULD only take 27 business days. There are 21 business days from court date to court date. But since the bulk of the work (the homestudy) is actually completed--I'm PRAYING that it's possible to be finished and approved by the next court hearing.

The judge also made us a "party to the case"--meaning we are now "part" of Cookie's case and recognized by the court as people who are involved as opposed to just being onlookers.

The next court date is May 19th. I'm going. Actually, I may have to testify and wouldn't have a choice--but I'm going regardless. Matt and I agree that there are too many little things that could come up that our lawyer won't know inside and out, but that I might know about and can whisper into her ear. One of us needs to be there.

May 19th is one year from the day she left our home. Very odd. It's also 6 months from the day the baby (our adoptive placement) came INto our home--and therefore, the first day we could legally finalize her adoption.

My grandmother was the only constant in a rather chaotic childhood. Actually, chaotic is an understatement. Having moved about 9 times before high school, her home was the place where I always knew where to find the iron or the tuna fish. The routines and rules and storage spots never changed. When my mother was late from a work meeting or I needed help, I called gram. She and I had a very special relationship. My mother often sent me to accompany gram on errands and trips that she didn't want to take alone. I accompanied gram to stores and every week we went to see her mother, Granny, in the nursing home... where every week I watched gram cry about her mother not remembering who she was but recognizing me as "Gayle" (my mother).

My grandmother was an incredibly difficult woman to love. I really don't think many people truly could understand how much of an understatement that is because too many people say that about people who are worlds easier to love than gram. My grandmother had incredibly high standards that nobody lived up to. She didn't even live up to her own standards. It made her an incredibly unhappy woman. Most people she loved didn't know it. *I* knew it because I had that special "in" with gram. I knew her secrets. Not just where she hid money and who she helped financial and who paid her back, but what things had happened that made her heart ache--things that would torment her forever. All the things she had nobody else to tell. Pop-pop was gone and she didn't have girlfriends to pal around with. She had me. And I had her to cling to for security.

My grandmother loved her family so much that she wanted the best for them. It came across as having unreachable standards, but it was her backwards way of loving them. As a result, she managed to push people away because it really WAS hard to constantly hear about what you WEREN'T doing and never about what you WERE doing. The thing is: she truly DID love them. It was sad. And she was sad.

Oddly, no matter how much she would chide a member of our family, she would relay all of their accomplishments and strengths to other people--people outside of the family. If you weren't in the family, you never heard a harsh or negative word about her family from her. It was ironic, really. I was really shocked when I first heard her brag outright about someone I'd never heard her say a kind thing about before. And she did it whenever she had the chance.

And she walked a fine line between helping and enabling; but she erred on the side of enabling. She was more generous with her children than my parents have been with me in my entire life.

Because I spent so much time with gram and because she was always there for me when I was afraid or we were temporarily in need of a place to live, I felt a great obligation to her. That lasted most of my life and got to the point of my having to call her at least daily to be sure she was okay as her health and mental state declined, and I couldn't be with her because I had my own family to care for. One of my aunts--one who cared about her as much as I did--finally moved gram in with her about 14 months ago.

I didn't realize how much I had worried and cared for my gram until she was gone. Suddenly, I felt a huge relief. I felt this enormous responsibility removed from me. I relaxed--knowing someone was with her daily and regularly. It wasn't an easy road for my aunt, but it was a huge relief for me.

And last night as I was on my way to the airport to visit them on a trip meant for a court case, gram finally passed away. She had refused food for almost 3 weeks and water for almost a week. She closed her eyes and went in peace. She wasn't in a nursing home--her worst fear in life. She was with people that understood her and loved her for what she was capable of offering... even though it wasn't easy.

I spoke to her just as she started refusing food and she was pretty much "gone" already.

This morning I had some time to sit with my aunt and her daughter in the room gram spent the last year in. We told my cousin stories about gram--stuff we could laugh about. How gram would run through 7 names before she got the right name and an aunt would inadvertently yell "roll call!". How gram would start singing a song related to whatever phrase we had just uttered... like "Lavender Blue" or "I'm Looking Over a 4-leaf Clover" or some other old song we only know because of gram. My aunt and I exchanged the "guess what song I taught my kid"--songs that gram drilled into us. I showed her the hand throw that would tell you her level of disgust. My aunt spewed some of grams best-known phrases. And we laughed, sitting in her room.

It was a good day. My aunt and I knew her better than most. We knew she got what she wanted most in life when it came to how she wanted her life to end. We knew she was out of her misery--physical and emotional. And we were relieved FOR her.

And I know that she knows.

Gram stopped taking water or ice cubes about 3 days ago. It's not going to be long now.

I meet with my attorney about a half hour before court. How could that POSSIBLY be enough??? I'm more nervous about her being well-enough prepared than I am about court. I'm starting to wonder how this will all work out.

I have a lot to do between tonight and tomorrow when I get on the plane. But court is Monday and I'm relieved that I don't have to wait any longer than that.

I had called Cookie's caseworker and left a message asking if I should ask the birthmom to dinner while I was there, and if she would let me know her thoughts after seeing her at the visit today; but I didn't hear from her. I don't want to fight with Cookie's mom--I want to work together.

Sounds like everyone is on lock-down with me. Someone suggested that maybe the mother got some legal representation that's doing their job and advised her not to be nasty to me--but not to talk. It would explain our last conversation and it would explain why there's be ZERO contact with anyone since Saturday night. They're not going to scare us off.

I'm just praying that this is all going to work in our and Cookie's favor. I'm praying. How could they not see the danger to this child's future? But you see judges do this all the time. I'm just praying this isn't one of them.

and I don't even know how to feel about it. But I'm not sure what else to do, either. Two days after my last post Cookie's mom called trying to get me to send money to her for her methadone appointment. It was a Saturday morning. Her appointment was Monday. She said she "went off the deep end and lost all her money", which was $1,300--but I know $300 of it went to bailing herself out of a "disorderly conduct" arrest. The rest clearly went to drugs. I asked her if she'd even test clean for the methadone and she hung up.

Matt and I decided to write a letter to the judge. It was 2 pages long and told him what our relationship and background was with Cookie and her mother; and what our concerns were. We noted that she is still turning to drugs as a stress response and that her not taking accountability for her life and actions had her making decisions that put them in unstable and stressful situations that made her prone to relapsing (which she did). I didn't know that she was facing jail time here for a DUI when she left or I'd have noted that as one of the reasons she left!

No response from her at all. She didn't call after court on Tuesday to tell anyone what happened--not me and not her mother. BUT, the caseworker called and said "I don't know what your means are, but if you were inclined to intervene--our next court date is April 21st". We talked briefly and clearly they know what they're dealing with--so they know that Cookie's mother could work the plan and regain custody, but that Cookie will be back in care eventually. She couldn't really tell me much about what they were going to suggest or do because really, I'm not legally entitled to that information.

I called the caseworker here who is bound by the same problem, but said "If you could, I would go intervene". When I questioned whether it was worth doing (talking it out to myself vs. asking her), she clammed up.

The lawyer is willing to take it on, but then--they get paid either way. So I'm not confident that she's going to tell me that we have no reason to do it.

I called my aunt who lives down there to tell her what was going on. She had been in the hospital and was now out and settled back at home--and I was aching to tell her. She told me that while my aunt was in the hospital, my grandmother (deep into dementia) took a turn for the worst. Apparently this isn't uncommon with dementia patients, either: something happens to their primary caregiver and they give up and check out. Even if the disruption is brief. As of today, my grandmother hasn't eaten solid food in over a week. She's alive on water and ice.

So I'm off... I leave on Saturday and my aunt isn't even sure my grandmother will make it until then. Court was moved to that Monday.

Cookie's mother found out about the intervening on this past Friday and called me--livid. The caseworker found that odd because when she told Cookie's mother, the mother just cried--she wasn't mad. But she was mad when she called me. I finally got her on the phone today and explained that we weren't taking Cookie away from her or out of state--that this was to get the court to recognize us as people who have a significant interest in the child and therefore entitled to information about the case. She didn't hang up on me, but gave me a lot of "Ummm-hmmmms". It was a short conversation. I wasn't going to beg her to "forgive" me. Whatever.

Meanwhile, on Friday Cookie was moved to a new foster home. They e-mailed me Friday night, Saturday morning and then again Saturday evening. I only e-mail them in response to their e-mails. I haven't had one since, though. I did e-mail them tonight to tell them I spoke to her mother. I wonder if they decided it wasn't a good thing for them to be communicating with me. I don't know. It's fine. I know she's in a good home and really--that's enough.

So yeah--a lot going on. I'm nervous. We don't have a lot of money for this. And I really don't want to get on an airplane. And I'm not sure I want my grandmother to hold out until I'm there because I'm not sure I want to see her like that.

We shall see what life holds for the next week. At least I have God's favor.

I don't even know how to make this short.

Cookie was removed from her mother again. It will be two weeks on Monday. Cookie is placed with her mother's former foster parents and has no access to her mother.

Her mother, apparently in panic over what she believed to be her sister holding the baby hostage, did some cocaine. So when CPS removed the baby (her sister was not supposed to give the baby over to the mother, but when the sister went to work--the mother went and took Cookie from the adult niece & nephew babysitting), the mother refused a drug test. She had apparently been to the methadone clinic that morning and did her tox screen there; but the refusal will count as a "dirty" screen. That Friday, they did a hair follicle drug test that we know will show that episode of use; but we're all wondering if she's been clean at all since she got Cookie back.

Because the sister called CPS on her before my state got to calling CPS for a courtesy check, Cookie was removed without any of my state's involvement and therefore it may stay in that state--1500 miles away. As of last night, mom was in a women's shelter.

This morning she tried to call at 4:30am her time (5:30am my time). The subsequent texts said that her sister and kids were filing a felony charge against her for "deadly force" and this being the third felony--she'd be in prison for life. In reality, the incident was the day Cookie was removed: the mother pointed her car at the niece and nephew and revved the engine. Matt says it's possible that it could count as a felony.

To be honest, I don't know what to think or hope. The mother's insecurities run SO deep that there's no way she will ever look at her daughter and choose to give her up for Cookie's sake. She's not even aware that what she's doing is completely self-serving. She knows that she loves her child and needs to feel loved back and her child is the only place on Earth she's ever felt love. She will have to have the child taken or she'll have to die before she relinquishes a second child.

And she's clearly turning to drugs and alcohol to escape stress as opposed to having learned how to deal with it. They hadn't even removed Cookie when she did the cocaine. And the sister called her in for alcohol--not drugs. So she's not functioning well and it's been almost a year. She's 37yo. It's not GOING to get better. As the caseworker here told me yesterday: "Her drug history was just too long" for her to actually stay clean.

So part of me almost hopes they convict her and she gets a life sentence so Cookie can live her life with some semblance of security and stability. But it just feels SO wrong to even think in that direction because I know that she loves her mother and will feel that loss. It just doesn't seem there is any good answer for any of it.