May 6, 2009: Cookie’s birthfather called from his home country and is supportive of our regaining custody of Cookie as long as he can remain in contact with her. He is adamant that Cookie not be returned to her mother. I heavily encouraged him to contact CPS2 since he is pretty much non-existent (not named on the birth certificate and really only exists as a name there since he's never seen the baby, etc.). I gave him the number, the name of the caseworker and the name of her supervisor. He says he'll call.

I asked why he can't come for 2 weeks as "pleasure travel" and he said he can't even come for a single day without a visa. The maternal aunt advised that he can't come to the US because he stayed past his visa time illegally last time he was in the US.


May 19, 2009: Mother fails to appear for court because she is in the hospital and awaiting admission to a psychiatric hospital (she is self-admitting). She had a car accident on 5/14 in the car registered to her mother, who lives out of state.

CPS2 states that the father has not made contact yet.

Motion to intervene is granted. Next court date is set for July—giving the mother sufficient time to recover and show progress.

I visit with Cookie at CPS2 office. She clearly remembers me and is very upset when I have to leave.

I’m so torn as to whether seeing Cookie was a good thing or a bad thing. We visited for about an hour. The CASA report said she doesn’t speak, but I saw her use a few words… “tree”, “Oscar” (the grouch), “push out”, “ba” (for sippy cup) and “uh-oh”. I think she used one or two others, but I can’t remember. I just remember thinking that she was using words. No question she’s delayed, but getting better. She’s apparently already receiving services. The CASA report was from April 10th and it’s now 5 weeks later. That being said, I know she used a few words when she was at our house in January. I don’t recall it being quite as many—but some.

We played together for an hour. She came in and the worker brought us into a room. She willingly sat on my lap and I read her “Brown Bear, Brown Bear” by Eric Carle. She stopped me at the black sheep and went back between the cat and dog. That’s when she really loosened up a bit with me. But she was clearly comfortable with me. She even leaned into me a bit. Again—the smell of me, I’m sure. I honestly think that’s what it must be because it’s always when she’s close to me that she shows the strongest bond.

We played. She engaged with me. She understands what you’re saying to her, but I see that she’s typical 2 and pushing boundaries a bit. She took her shoe off and brought it to me and climbed into my lap to help her put it on. It was such a comfort that she knew me. SOMEthing about me clicked with her as a safe person that loved her.

Near the end, I told her “I go bye-bye” and her hands instantly went into her mouth (she does it when she's stressed or tired)—but she continued to try to play. I let her a bit. I said it again and she looked at me as if to say “Play!” I started to get a little upset: I knew what the fingers meant. I told the caseworker. Cookie was on a ride-on toy in front of the door when someone tried to get in. I pulled her off the toy and she got upset and was about to start crying. I had her in my hands and turned her towards me and she just laid her head on my shoulder—fingers in mouth. I started to cry and just rocked her, telling her it would be okay and rubbing her back. We did that for maybe 3 minutes (which is a pretty long time).

Finally I pulled back a bit to face her and told her that she was going to go to Miss Peggy (her daycare teacher) now. With that, she leaned out to the caseworker to be taken from me. As I left, she watched, but she didn’t cry that I know of.

I cried.

Matt and I had agreed last night that if the mother decided to relinquish rights, but only if we didn’t take her—we would agree to that. The goal is her long-term care, safety and stability. We love her dearly, but the goal is not about “getting Cookie back”. It’s about ensuring that she doesn’t bounce around the system or die if the system misses her. In fact, I almost wish her mother WOULD agree to relinquish on those grounds; and that the foster parents would commit to adopting her. That would be the ideal—not getting her back. The last thing she needs is another disruption in her little life. She doesn’t deserve this. And really, we were complete with Graham and the baby. We’re not driven to have another permanent child. We always left a space for Cookie, but it’s not like we’re trying to get her to complete our family. Our family is already complete. But we certainly have room in our hearts, home and family for Cookie if it’s where she needs to be for her long-term care.

I’m really worried that we WILL get custody and mom will work her plan for reunification… and the judge will say “Well, she did what we asked her to do—we need to give her back”. Then what…? More disruption. But then she could wind up back with mom if she stays where she is, too.

It’s hard to know what to do.

Hopefully by the July hearing, the ICPC will be done. Apparently her caseworker hadn’t even sent it out yet! I told the caseworker that it was a 27-day turnaround end-to-end and she said “No, that’s just on your state’s part”. I didn’t argue with her, but I will be telling my lawyer she needs to light a fire under their asses to get it done. Thankfully, we’re actively licensed—so it should go quickly… I hope, anyway.

I guess worst case would be getting to the July hearing only to find that mom had a 2 week stay in the mental hospital and is doing beautifully since… convincing the judge that “this time is it!”

So… we’re again in limbo for 2 months.

The judge granted our motion to intervene. Cookie’s mom didn’t show up for court because she had been in a car accident Friday and the hospital was holding her until a bed opened up in the public/free psychiatric hospital because she was self-admitting herself there. Here we go again. The caseworker later told me that it was likely because they were requiring her to go back on her psych meds and that going this route would get her the meds sooner rather than later—it would just be easier this way.

There was some question about whether or not the judge would grant our motion because I couldn’t give testimony without the birthmother there to participate in the cross-examination (via advising her lawyer about things that I said). But it would appear that the testimony is more relevant to custody vs. being party to the case. Intervenor status makes us party to the case. We still have to fight for custody. When our lawyer told the judge that intervenor status was what we wanted, the CPS attorney spoke up in support of the motion and Cookie’s lawyer stated her support as well. The judge looked at the mother’s lawyer and said “I suppose you’re required to object” and the lawyer said that he was. The judge said “So noted,” and proced to grant the motion.

I quickly got in my lawyer’s ear to ask for a visit and the judge had no problem with it if the foster parents were willing to accommodate it—and they said they would. The judge thanked them for being so flexible and cooperative (as did I).

But when the hearing ended, the foster parents flew out of the building. The CPS supervisor ran to catch up with them. The caseworker and I followed, but when the caseworker saw the supervisor arguing with the foster parents—she held us back and talked to me. As a result, I could hear raised voices but I couldn’t tell what it was about. It’s hard to understand. They’ve made it clear their goal is whatever is in Cookie’s best interest. They were vague about whether they’d be willing to adopt Cookie—even hinting that they’d rather not. I’m not sure what the whole issue is. Then again, maybe I'm making myself out to be more important than I am and their issue has nothing to do with me and I'm just being paranoid. After all, they agreed to accommodate a last minute visit.

I told the caseworker that we (my husband and I) hated being in this position—that this is NOT what we wanted to be doing and that we really just hated the whole thing; but that we want to make sure Cookie doesn’t bounce in and out of foster care until she’s 5yo and someone sees this pattern with her mother—and then she’s suffered so much in the meantime that she’s a difficult adoptive placement. The caseworker tried to explain to me that the confines of the law in their state meant mom had to be given a chance. I told her I truly understood that, but that I wanted her to understand that our goal wasn’t to “get Cookie back”—it was her longterm safety. I didn’t want her to think that we just wanted her back regardless. We knew her mother could work the plan. That was the problem.

The caseworker had a really hard time looking me in the eye. So there’s clearly more going on that I don’t know about.

But we won the first round of the process.

I want Cookie to come back, but I really just want it to be over. I want to know. I want to move on one way or another. I want to grieve, or I want to prepare.

I want the flight to be over.

I want purging and cleaning the house to be over.

I want to be able to focus on reconnecting with Graham.

I want to know that the delays in finalizing the baby's adoption are not malicious and manipulative tactics based on money.

I just want everything to be done and simple and loving and clean. I'm overwhelmed, and having a really, really hard time. :(