It's getting exciting to think of Cookie visiting. Her mom is still without housing where she can have her children with her, but that's because she's declined housing that would allow her kids because it would be too restrictive for her for the first 30 days (5 minutes of cell phone time/day and not seeing her boyfriend--who is not the father of the baby that's about to be born). Priorities--right?

But we're looking forward to being all together. I'm REALLY nervous about all the flying, but overall, we're really psyched. We have no firm plans while she's here except to see her paternal uncle and her maternal aunt. Otherwise, we're playing it by ear based on how she manages being outside of her "home". Her foster mother feels strongly that she'll be fine as long as she's with me as she is so clearly bonded to me. I hope she responds similarly to Mike.

Mike and I agree that one week of her being here certainly wouldn't be a fair indication of what life would be like with her back; but we do both hope it goes well.

We finally have firm dates (and plane tickets) for Cookie's trip. Her stay was cut down to 8 days at the request of CPS and really, we're just glad she's coming.

We also don't go back to court until February since it would appear that mom won't have housing in time for the January court date. But she could give birth anytime from late January/early February onward.

At this hearing, the judge asked if our intention was still to adopt Cookie if mom couldn't complete her case plan. I think he sees that progress is not coming along as well as it should've by now.

I had to send a "proposed itinerary" to our lawyer, but have yet to hear back about dates for Cookie's trip back here. Court is a week from tomorrow and I'm really wishing we could have tickets in hand at that point.

In the meantime, Cookie has had to get glasses for her "lazy eye". She adapted to wearing them without taking them off, but has to go back to the doctor in a month to see if there's any improvement. If not, she'll require surgery. :(

And her foster parents have moved her into a toddler bed. We shall see if she manages to STAY in it!

We got a new foster placement here in our house--an 8mo little girl who has been in care for about 4-1/2 months due to domestic violence and a healed skull fracture. I'm not sure she'll be here long. I think the funny thing is that her former foster mother called her "Cupcake". I had to laugh... "Cupcake", "Cookie"... But this little one almost never cries and can't really bear any weight on her legs. She also can't sit up on her own. So she definitely has some troubles. We'll see how it goes.

So today the judge ruled on allowing Cookie to come for an extended visit to our home. I'm the only one in the house that's seen her since January 26, 2009. So this is what was relayed to me from my lawyer...

In court, of course her mother opposed (as she opposes visit requests when I'm there and Cookie doesn't have to leave the state). Cookie's lawyer opposed stating that it was "inappropriate given that the goal was reunification and mom is working her service plan". Ummmm... we're 7 months into the case and mom has no job or housing. Last time Cookie was in foster care, mom was already working for several months and housed for at least 1 month. The CASA (Court-Appointed Special Advocate) noted that while she felt that Cookie wouldn't be in any harm or danger, she felt it was inappropriate for a reunification case. (I honestly can't be sure that's exactly what the position was--I may be confusing this and she may have had another reason why not; but I'm clear that she was firm about feeling Cookie wouldn't be in any harm or danger with the visit).

Initially, CPS opposed because "the goal is reunification with the mother". We knew this because we asked them for permission before taking it to the judge. But they apparently paused the hearing and pulled the current foster mother outside to ask her about the whole thing. She's seen me with Cookie and noted to me that if she hadn't seen it herself, she'd have never believed such a bond could exist with this child. Well, the caseworker's supervisor and the CASA spoke to the foster mother in the hall and when they returned, CPS changed their opposition to the visit and stated that they were neither going to oppose or support it--that they would do what the judge felt was best. Their only request was that it not interfere with the mother's visitation--that mom not miss a single visit (which she has every week).

The judge decided that Cookie's mom could miss ONE visit and that Cookie could come to us in early January. I'm not sure why so far off, but I'm grateful for not having to travel at the holidays and having advance ticket purchase discount. :) We are required that I travel down to accompany her here and the same going back--which we knew would be the case (and we wouldn't have it any other way).

We have a hearing between now and then. I'm nervous they'll cancel the visitation.

I know that it came up that they want to try extended visits with her mother when mom gets housing. She's been accepted into a program to help with that--but not until January. There was apparently concern about this visit interfering with that. The judge asked if the mother would have housing by a specific date in January and they admitted it wasn't likely. So he said that the visit could take place before that date.

I was stunned. Happy, but stunned. We're all kind of surprised.

Cookie refers to me as "Ho-Ho". I thought she was saying "hold" but her foster mother said that she showed Cookie a picture of our house and said it was "Heather's house". A while later they asked her whose house the picture was and she said "Ho-Ho". They got a new car and she was now able to see out the window better. Well, now she saw a particular house and would say "Mommy!" every time she passed it. They weren't sure if she meant me, or her birthmother... so I sent a picture of my house.

We got a minivan today. We'd been looking since we knew we were intervening in the case. The quest was to find a minivan that wasn't TOO old, had TOO many miles or was going to cost TOO much more than what we would get for our truck.

Eight months later, the planets aligned. Today we traded our 2004 GMC Envoy XUV for a 2007 Dodge Grand Caravan. It's a shade of blue just shy of neon. *eyeroll* and the one thing we truly didn't want to compromise on was leather seats... but we did. We didn't WANT a DVD system so that worked in our favor. But now we have a vehicle that can absolutely fit 3 carseats. Hallelujah.

Of course, I didn't sleep at all last night (literally--not at all) just trying to reconcile taking on MORE debt. The difference between the vehicles wasn't even $4,000 but we don't HAVE it. It could've been $500. Wouldn't matter.

And the fundraiser got cancelled for lack of response; but I think we're going to try to do it online as a silent auction... or maybe even eBay. I need to start working on eBay listings. I paid for the August plane ticket with eBay sales. Maybe we can raise another one that way.

As for Cookie, she was sick again. And the doctor doped her up on antibiotics again. I can only imagine what this is doing to her little digestive tract and how much damage control will need to be done as a result. I hesitate to ask the current foster parents to put her on a probiotic because I know that with all the illness and antibiotics she may have massive intestinal yeast problems and the probiotic could make her vomit. Managing from that point forward would be hard to do THROUGH other people and really, if you're not familiar with it--it DOES sound like nutjob stuff.

But I am worried about it. The foster parents HAVE said that she still has a reaction to milk. I think they said only if she gets a lot of it--I can't remember, I just know she still reacts to it. So we'll have work to do. Thankfully we're completely dairy and soy free here--so WE won't have any adjusting to do. And I'll be sure to find out what her favorite foods are at her current home and whatever it costs to replicate in irritant-free foods... well, we'll just have to do that while she's adjusting. But we've seen how trace amounts of irritant foods can affect behavior and development. I'm anxious to get her home.

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It seems like there are only two kinds of foster parents in the world: those who neglect the kids and pocket the monthly check; and those who are desperate to adopt and are out to get someone's baby.

I'm not going to deny that those types of foster parents exist. But the media would have you believe that they are the majority when they really are not. Most of the foster parents I know are just like me: providing a home, comfort, advocacy and some life/coping skills to kids who are undergoing one of the most traumatic things in their little lives.

People assume it's about the money. Ummm... we don't actually GET that much money for them. In fact, you couldn't find daycare for what I am paid in my board rate and I'm living with these children 24/7, clothing them, feeding them, keeping them bathed and groomed, advocating for them at school and the doctor's office, and keeping the state apprised of what's going on with them to ensure that issues I see in my home are addressed long-term. The cheapest licensed daycare in my area gets almost twice as much per month as I do--and that's for 8am-5pm care with no advocacy, etc. Heck, they don't even provide snacks or lunch.

So why do we do it? Everyone's answer will be different. For us, we knew that safe, good homes were needed. We also didn't want our son to grow up as an only child. We wanted to know if we COULD love a non-biological child like our own in case we pursued adoption. But I know some who just have the extra space (the state really requires VERY little), CAN care for another child and know how desperately good, safe homes are needed. They see how bad they CAN be treated in foster care and feel strongly about being a better option. Still others just love being a parent... to as many kids as they can comfortably care for. Some love a little challenge--like the one that comes with trying to figure out how to care for a new child in crisis and taking on their special needs.

Everyone's answer will be different. And there are thousands of answers that have nothing to do with money.

And even the ones that are hoping to adopt from foster care are not all "out to get someones baby". While I don't find that many states prepare those parents for the fact that most of these children go home; I do find many foster parents who are hoping to adopt, but still able to support a child in the goal of going home.

I went to a potluck with a mother's group for Halloween that was wonderful. This particular mother's group is hosting a fundraiser to try to help us raise funds. So far, we've managed to raise enough to get me to the December hearing and pay all of those travel costs just through donations sent to the house and through PayPal (to thecookiecause@yahoo.com in case you're interested ;) ).

It's pretty much the norm to hear people say "How can you do it? How can you let those kids go? I'd get too attached...". Let me say this: good foster parents know that this is not meant to be hurtful, but it really is. It's like saying that we can only do what we do because we don't get attached or love the kids.

It's just not like that.

When you love a child with all of your heart and soul, you want them to be happy. And you know that if their biological parents or their blood relatives can keep them safe, that's where it's going to be. No large house or better clothing or organic food is going to replace that connection. My biggest point of concern for our adopted daughter is that I have NOTHING of her mother to offer her but a name. No hair ribbon, no picture... not even the name her mother gave her because her mother DIDN'T give her one (her legal first name was BabyGirl for the first 6 months of her life). I can't even tell her the race of her father. I'm hoping that she's not going to be one of the children that feels a void for lack of these things... for lack of a grandmother or aunt that can tell her that she laughs like her mom did or her eyes are like her dad's.

Even when children are abused, they still love their parents.

So when you, as a foster parent, love the children in your care and you see the kids going to a parent that has worked for it or a relative that loves them and regardless, an environment that is safe--you're HAPPY. Because the child that you love is happy. It is absolutely sad to miss them being a part of your day-to-day life, but you get through that pretty quickly. And I won't say that you don't worry about them and you don't wonder, because you do. I just breathed a sigh of relief having heard from a grandmother of the girls that left the day after Cookie arrived. They're doing well. It's not like you forget them. You just become aware of your role in their lives, and it's a role that you likely never knew existed unless your parents were foster parents. It's very different. And it's (usually) temporary.

When Cookie came to us it was supposed to be a 2-week placement. Then it "wasn't looking good" and then it turned around. When she went home, we were simultaneously ecstatic, nervous and sad because she was such a part of our daily lives. What we're involved with now is certainly not the norm.

The media has done a grave injustice to foster parents who are involved in the system and trying to make a positive difference in kids lives. And if they think they're making good people want to foster--they're wrong. Nobody wants to attach themselves to what they think is a corrupt system full of evil people.

Likewise, I have to wonder if some of the hesitancy people have to helping us in Cookie's case has to do with public perception of foster parents being that we're all just somehow bad people who always have an ulterior motive that is self-driven vs. what is best for the child.

Would love to know when that will end...

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The Cookie Cause can't thank them enough!

...that she printed out some pictures from my visit with Cookie. Cookie took one of them (one where I was holding her) and carried it around the rest of the day, kissing it and saying "hold" (she wanted me to constantly hold her).

I cried.

Well, the baby is finally ours. Today we all appeared in court to finalize her adoption. In two weeks, she will be 1yo. It feels surreal.

When she was placed with us almost a year ago, we felt complete. Just before she arrived, we had truly come to peace with having an only child and loving foster care for allowing us to have a larger family when we wanted to but allowing us to come back to just the three of us. But when she arrived, we felt complete.

We did always say that if Cookie came back into care, it would be a handful--but that would be IT. No more. And really, we didn't think that would happen anytime soon. It really surprised us that it happened when it did.

But what a feeling that the baby is finally ours. As I pushed the stroller from the courthouse, I felt free. I had no idea how restricted I felt when she was still a ward of the state. Now we could make the decisions for her without the intervention of people who don't do as much research as we do and don't hold the same values as we do. It's a huge relief. We've been fortunate to have reasonable caseworkers, but some of the things they believe are a little scary. And some of the things they find disturbing is... well, disturbing.

That's over for the baby. And I couldn't possibly love her more. I was more in love with her today than I've been--which was weird. I think maybe somewhere in my head I worried SOMEthing would happen and she'd have to leave. But as I sit here and type, I'm almost a little sad that she's sleeping (well, not that sad! ;) ) because I just want to hold her. She can't stand sleeping next to us at all (she has sensory issues) so we don't always get to snuggle her; but she is so much more social and neurotypical than Graham in a way that allows us to connect with her on levels we weren't able to for years with Graham. The other night, she tried to feed me her bottle. I think Graham was 4yo before he actually offered me anything of his.

Let us hope for an end to Cookie's journey soon.

In the meantime, listing the house is off until the spring. Matt's company changed a rule on the fly that affected how long we would have to use relocation benefits--and it depends on when you start the process. This is huge because we need to be in our current state as long as possible if Cookie comes back.

So in the process of figuring out what to do, we REALLY did well at figuring out how to stay in our current state as long as needed for Cookie while complying with the relocation requirement by renting in one place or another (depending on whether the house sells, etc.) and Matt spending a defined amount of time in IL to satisfy whatever his company will require. We'll need to file taxes there, but... at least we know we'll be able to manage with Cookie's case.

I was able to see Cookie briefly yesterday and was stunned at how different it was. Her foster mother invited me to the house before she took Cookie to daycare to spend an hour or so with her. At one point, the foster mother and I were standing about a foot apart and Cookie turned to ME to pick her up.

I went to eat dinner with the family later and again, Cookie showed a preference for me over the foster parents. They were stunned.

But today takes the cake. We went for our supervised/evaluated visitation and Cookie couldn't get down out of her foster father's arms fast enough when she saw me. We had a great time and she was CLEARLY bonded to me in a way that even shocked me. I was so surprised at how much stronger and clearer it was this time. She loved my phone and at one point, she inadvertently called Matt. I thought she was trying to get the phone just to get the phone, but she wanted to hear his voice. Her reaction was astounding: she was excitedly frantic trying to figure out how to get to him through the phone--and was waving to the phone and blowing kisses. The foster parents said she's never done such a thing.

When I had to leave her, the foster parents said that she called out "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" They note that she WILL call her foster parents, foster sister or primary daycare worker "Mommy" as well; but she will not just call anyone with some level of relationship to her "Mommy".

They also said that although Cookie fights getting dressed each morning (viciously), this morning her foster father told her that she was going to see me and she immediately cooperated in getting dressed. They said they have yet to see her have a reaction like this to another human; and had considered that maybe she had an attachment order. They have also seen Cookie with her mother (at a birthday party that included Cookie, birthmom, caseworker and foster parents with their child).

Yesterday I also hired a new attorney. We're hoping the case will move in a different direction; and doubly hoping it's not too late.

I'm trying to purge and then stage the house for sale. Last night I caught a hell of a break and my class was canceled so I was able to shop for some staging things. I got new curtains we really needed and scored a new leather sofa for $259 (a floor sample of a discontinued line originally $1,099).

Did I mention I was in school? Oh, yeah... with the relocation, I need to finish my degree NOW. So 3 of the 4 graduate classes I had left need to be taken this semester. One is only given in the fall, one is only given in person (and in the spring, I'm likely to miss too much of it either because we move or because we're traveling to scope out relocation prospects) and the third, I have special permission to take without having a job and the help of a former classmate--so I need to take it while all of that's lined up. Blech.

Cookie's motion to terminate the parental rights was acknowledged, but that was IT. I fired our lawyer yesterday. Matt and I agreed that at this point, everyone's working on reunification and our lawyer's just waiting until they actually try to send the baby home to do anything. No, thanks. We want no part of it. We can just as well stop all this nonsense and rest knowing that the court knows who we are and recognizes us as a part of the case. They have a completed ICPC agreement. So if she needs to go somewhere other than her mother, we know they know about us and we're cleared to take her. I'm going for the evaluative visits and I'll go down for court. We WILL interview another lawyer who may know more about limiting what the mother can do once the baby is back in her care (like not leaving the state she's in--again--so that the clock doesn't restart AGAIN if she relapses AGAIN). We'll see. We DID raise enough money at our last garage sale to cover the retainer. One weekend (Sat-Sun) and another Saturday made us $1,100! I hate to think of how much we originally spent on those things. Granted, there were a lot of items donated to the cause that fetched us good money, too.

Yesterday our lawyer for the baby's adoption got the papers from CPS and told us to pick a date. Her birthday is Nov. 7th. Date options were 10/22, 11/5, 11/19 and 11/20. Of course, I picked the first available date. :) Hopefully that will be it!!

My BIL gets married Sunday evening. Matt and Graham are in the wedding. The prior Sunday night, relatives flew in from Italy and one of my inlaws closest friends from high school finally lost his battle to cancer. So there was the wake on Tuesday night, more relatives coming in for the wedding on Wednesday, then today (Thursday) is the funeral. I think Friday night may be the rehearsal dinner and then the wedding Sunday night. It's a full week to say the least. Monday we have the realtors coming to update the market analyses. Thankfully, there's a high-priced house in town that just went under contract. One of our agents talked to their agent who said they didn't slash the price. Even if they did, it would've been down to what we were hoping to get for ours. And their house is assessed for $10,000 more than ours. They listed theirs for $40,000 more than we're allowed to under the terms of the relocation agreement. Cross your fingers. I'm PLOWING through staging this house. I took "before" pictures of most of it. Wish I'd taken shots of the attic because that's impressive. :)

This is the 6-month permanency hearing. CPS2's goal remains "reunification". The report notes that the mother is now pregnant again, but still without employment or housing (she continues to live in a shelter).

Our lawyer files a motion to Terminate Parental Rights (TPR) and motion to adopt. This is acknowledged in court, but not explored. Another hair follicle test is requested on the mother and the results will dictate whether or not the case goes to court in October or wait until the regularly scheduled status hearing in December.

I visit with Cookie for about an hour. She tolerates leaving well enough. She remembers me but it doesn't appear to be a strong connection.

Judge requests that our visits be observed by an objective party that can evaluate our bond/relationship.

We are unhappy with the lack of progress on the case and hold a garage sale (with donated goods) to raise funds to cover a retainer for a new attorney.

I left home yesterday and arrived yesterday afternoon. I met a foster parent friend from online for early supper and drove through a horrible storm to my hotel.

I had today to myself.

I caught up on articles I was supposed to have written for the last month. That's about it.

Before I left, I managed to identify a ton of "garage sale" stuff in the attic. Matt and I agreed that 99% of it would be donated if it didn't sell. It has to go.

I had already identified a number of eBay items. They will go with us.

We're narrowing down the details of the relocation. The spring market is not projected to be any better than the fall market... but we really should've been listed by Labor Day to take full advantage. Now it's a matter of rolling the dice on what's left of the fall market, or waiting for the spring market. I'm not sure what would be worse.

Meanwhile, tomorrow is the hearing for Cookie. My lawyer filed a motion requesting a jury trial to terminate the parental rights, give us custody and allow us to adopt; plus a separate motion to visit her. I guess we'll see what happens. Her current foster parents truly would rather not adopt her unless it's an absolute last resort and she'd be going to a stranger if they didn't. So we are planning for her to come home at some point.

I'm scared. I'm afraid that all of this upset will have a permanent and negative effect on her. I'm afraid of what her mother's going to do just from us filing the motion. I'm afraid we'll spend a lot of legal fees for nothing. I'm afraid of what all of this is going to do to our current family. I'm afraid of all of it.

I just need to hand it over.

At end of July mother's hair follicle test is positive for cocaine but at a lower level than the April test. Caseworker notes that recent urine tests are negative and that mother has been weaned off of methadone.

The hearing is uneventful. There is a lawyer covering for ours (who is out due to medical issues). We had prepared to testify for custody but do not. It is stated in court that the ICPC study had not been received but court stamps later show it was received several days before the court hearing.

I opt not to visit with Cookie so as not to upset her again at the end of the visit like last time.

I'm out of state for Cookie's hearing tomorrow and so help me: if it COULD go wrong, it is...

My lawyer is still out from her surgery and the covering lawyer... well, he gets back from vacation today and as of 4pm local time, still didn't have the info on the case. I'll meet him at court tomorrow. :(

My lawyer's office subpoena'd the mother's drug test results and criminal history but it looks like her third drunk driving offense from back home may not be in their files.

Plus, the baby's lawyer is accepting that the drug test is still not back instead of signing on to push for it.

Before all of this, I just felt at peace that whatever was meant to happen was going to happen; and that life would be fine if we lost tomorrow... that our family unit could go back to living a normal life (or to the extent that we could manage to create a normal life given the current relocation crap).

But now I'm anxious. Why can't I just hand it over? I guess I just feel like maybe I should've been more on top of things and now this child will suffer as a result. But that's very self-important of me. I'm doing what I'm capable of doing to protect her and in the end, God will have to protect her if I fall short. He will spare her like he spared me. I'm not completely in control of the situation.

I wish I could have peace the way I had about it this morning as I drove from the airport. I felt CLOSURE.

I love Cookie. I don't hate her mother, but I do feel she needs protection from her mother. I don't even hate the idea that if we lose tomorrow, she will feel empowered. She'll feel like she won, but she will still have a battle to fight... even if she gets Cookie back.

I just need to be strong.

June 15, 2009 (Mon): CPS2 caseworker called me and wanted a letter from us stating that we didn't want any financial assistance because we're licensed foster parents and that usually means the baby gets a board check, Medicaid, etc. They wanted to process the ICPC as a kinship placement but they would need a letter stating that we'd be fully financially responsible for her.

I told her that we couldn't cover the baby under our own insurance--we've checked for her and even for our adoptive daughter. So she needs Medicaid. And in our state, birth-to-three/Early Intervention therapies are not free--you pay for them. If she's a foster child, they're free. So that would need to be covered.

I advised her that we didn't need the board and clothing stipends--but that she needed the Medicaid and the Early Intervention services covered because our income is too high to qualify for them for her as a "relative".

We got the word today that Matt's job is being moved to IL, and despite his telecommuter status--we have to relocate.

Part of me is E-FRIGGIN-LATED that something will move Matt's butt out of this house.

But the other part of me is sad and scared. I was ready to leave the house, but not altogether ready to leave the area. I know where everything is. I'm starting to have real friends here. I'm going places with Matthew and running into families I know from other things. It's comforting.

I know the towns and the real estate markets and the laws and the politics (although I hate it). I know where the good doctors are and where my holistic version of "House" is. It's just "home". Not this town or this house, but this area.

I think we're going to probably find a multifamily to live in first. We planned here to sell this house, buy a multifamily as a primary residence, live there a while and reduce our outgo--learn the property's quirks, then rent that unit out and move into another multifamily... continuing to sock away money until we get to our final landing spot. At least doing it this way with the relocation allows us to be closer to the city and his office in case he actually needs to be IN the office. We'd have a year or two for that situation to firm up. We'd also have a year or two to figure out where we really want to be longer-term--before we buy land and plant ourselves.

In the meantime... No clue how this will affect Cookie coming to us. IF she comes to us. And maybe the terms of the relocation won't affect any of it at all...

May 6, 2009: Cookie’s birthfather called from his home country and is supportive of our regaining custody of Cookie as long as he can remain in contact with her. He is adamant that Cookie not be returned to her mother. I heavily encouraged him to contact CPS2 since he is pretty much non-existent (not named on the birth certificate and really only exists as a name there since he's never seen the baby, etc.). I gave him the number, the name of the caseworker and the name of her supervisor. He says he'll call.

I asked why he can't come for 2 weeks as "pleasure travel" and he said he can't even come for a single day without a visa. The maternal aunt advised that he can't come to the US because he stayed past his visa time illegally last time he was in the US.


May 19, 2009: Mother fails to appear for court because she is in the hospital and awaiting admission to a psychiatric hospital (she is self-admitting). She had a car accident on 5/14 in the car registered to her mother, who lives out of state.

CPS2 states that the father has not made contact yet.

Motion to intervene is granted. Next court date is set for July—giving the mother sufficient time to recover and show progress.

I visit with Cookie at CPS2 office. She clearly remembers me and is very upset when I have to leave.

I’m so torn as to whether seeing Cookie was a good thing or a bad thing. We visited for about an hour. The CASA report said she doesn’t speak, but I saw her use a few words… “tree”, “Oscar” (the grouch), “push out”, “ba” (for sippy cup) and “uh-oh”. I think she used one or two others, but I can’t remember. I just remember thinking that she was using words. No question she’s delayed, but getting better. She’s apparently already receiving services. The CASA report was from April 10th and it’s now 5 weeks later. That being said, I know she used a few words when she was at our house in January. I don’t recall it being quite as many—but some.

We played together for an hour. She came in and the worker brought us into a room. She willingly sat on my lap and I read her “Brown Bear, Brown Bear” by Eric Carle. She stopped me at the black sheep and went back between the cat and dog. That’s when she really loosened up a bit with me. But she was clearly comfortable with me. She even leaned into me a bit. Again—the smell of me, I’m sure. I honestly think that’s what it must be because it’s always when she’s close to me that she shows the strongest bond.

We played. She engaged with me. She understands what you’re saying to her, but I see that she’s typical 2 and pushing boundaries a bit. She took her shoe off and brought it to me and climbed into my lap to help her put it on. It was such a comfort that she knew me. SOMEthing about me clicked with her as a safe person that loved her.

Near the end, I told her “I go bye-bye” and her hands instantly went into her mouth (she does it when she's stressed or tired)—but she continued to try to play. I let her a bit. I said it again and she looked at me as if to say “Play!” I started to get a little upset: I knew what the fingers meant. I told the caseworker. Cookie was on a ride-on toy in front of the door when someone tried to get in. I pulled her off the toy and she got upset and was about to start crying. I had her in my hands and turned her towards me and she just laid her head on my shoulder—fingers in mouth. I started to cry and just rocked her, telling her it would be okay and rubbing her back. We did that for maybe 3 minutes (which is a pretty long time).

Finally I pulled back a bit to face her and told her that she was going to go to Miss Peggy (her daycare teacher) now. With that, she leaned out to the caseworker to be taken from me. As I left, she watched, but she didn’t cry that I know of.

I cried.

Matt and I had agreed last night that if the mother decided to relinquish rights, but only if we didn’t take her—we would agree to that. The goal is her long-term care, safety and stability. We love her dearly, but the goal is not about “getting Cookie back”. It’s about ensuring that she doesn’t bounce around the system or die if the system misses her. In fact, I almost wish her mother WOULD agree to relinquish on those grounds; and that the foster parents would commit to adopting her. That would be the ideal—not getting her back. The last thing she needs is another disruption in her little life. She doesn’t deserve this. And really, we were complete with Graham and the baby. We’re not driven to have another permanent child. We always left a space for Cookie, but it’s not like we’re trying to get her to complete our family. Our family is already complete. But we certainly have room in our hearts, home and family for Cookie if it’s where she needs to be for her long-term care.

I’m really worried that we WILL get custody and mom will work her plan for reunification… and the judge will say “Well, she did what we asked her to do—we need to give her back”. Then what…? More disruption. But then she could wind up back with mom if she stays where she is, too.

It’s hard to know what to do.

Hopefully by the July hearing, the ICPC will be done. Apparently her caseworker hadn’t even sent it out yet! I told the caseworker that it was a 27-day turnaround end-to-end and she said “No, that’s just on your state’s part”. I didn’t argue with her, but I will be telling my lawyer she needs to light a fire under their asses to get it done. Thankfully, we’re actively licensed—so it should go quickly… I hope, anyway.

I guess worst case would be getting to the July hearing only to find that mom had a 2 week stay in the mental hospital and is doing beautifully since… convincing the judge that “this time is it!”

So… we’re again in limbo for 2 months.

The judge granted our motion to intervene. Cookie’s mom didn’t show up for court because she had been in a car accident Friday and the hospital was holding her until a bed opened up in the public/free psychiatric hospital because she was self-admitting herself there. Here we go again. The caseworker later told me that it was likely because they were requiring her to go back on her psych meds and that going this route would get her the meds sooner rather than later—it would just be easier this way.

There was some question about whether or not the judge would grant our motion because I couldn’t give testimony without the birthmother there to participate in the cross-examination (via advising her lawyer about things that I said). But it would appear that the testimony is more relevant to custody vs. being party to the case. Intervenor status makes us party to the case. We still have to fight for custody. When our lawyer told the judge that intervenor status was what we wanted, the CPS attorney spoke up in support of the motion and Cookie’s lawyer stated her support as well. The judge looked at the mother’s lawyer and said “I suppose you’re required to object” and the lawyer said that he was. The judge said “So noted,” and proced to grant the motion.

I quickly got in my lawyer’s ear to ask for a visit and the judge had no problem with it if the foster parents were willing to accommodate it—and they said they would. The judge thanked them for being so flexible and cooperative (as did I).

But when the hearing ended, the foster parents flew out of the building. The CPS supervisor ran to catch up with them. The caseworker and I followed, but when the caseworker saw the supervisor arguing with the foster parents—she held us back and talked to me. As a result, I could hear raised voices but I couldn’t tell what it was about. It’s hard to understand. They’ve made it clear their goal is whatever is in Cookie’s best interest. They were vague about whether they’d be willing to adopt Cookie—even hinting that they’d rather not. I’m not sure what the whole issue is. Then again, maybe I'm making myself out to be more important than I am and their issue has nothing to do with me and I'm just being paranoid. After all, they agreed to accommodate a last minute visit.

I told the caseworker that we (my husband and I) hated being in this position—that this is NOT what we wanted to be doing and that we really just hated the whole thing; but that we want to make sure Cookie doesn’t bounce in and out of foster care until she’s 5yo and someone sees this pattern with her mother—and then she’s suffered so much in the meantime that she’s a difficult adoptive placement. The caseworker tried to explain to me that the confines of the law in their state meant mom had to be given a chance. I told her I truly understood that, but that I wanted her to understand that our goal wasn’t to “get Cookie back”—it was her longterm safety. I didn’t want her to think that we just wanted her back regardless. We knew her mother could work the plan. That was the problem.

The caseworker had a really hard time looking me in the eye. So there’s clearly more going on that I don’t know about.

But we won the first round of the process.

I want Cookie to come back, but I really just want it to be over. I want to know. I want to move on one way or another. I want to grieve, or I want to prepare.

I want the flight to be over.

I want purging and cleaning the house to be over.

I want to be able to focus on reconnecting with Graham.

I want to know that the delays in finalizing the baby's adoption are not malicious and manipulative tactics based on money.

I just want everything to be done and simple and loving and clean. I'm overwhelmed, and having a really, really hard time. :(

April 1, 2009 (Wed): Mother texts that she has been thrown out of the elderly man’s house that she was living in. I speak to her briefly about getting assistance. She goes to her sister’s neighbor who allows her to use the phone to call around to get help and calls me from their house. She is going to a shelter.

April 2, 2009 (Thurs): Mother texts at 5:51am my time (almost 5am in her time zone) in a panic that her sister and sister’s children are filing felony charges for “felony-deadly force” and that this will be her third felony, putting her in jail for life. She pleads for help. Forty minutes later another text comes in begging me to tell them not to file charges.

April 3, 2009 (Fri): I unsuccessfully attempt to call 3 shelters in the area to reach the mother.

April 4, 2009 (Sat): Mother calls looking for money she alleges she needs for methadone maintenance on Monday. She claims that without the money, she will be in the hospital on Tuesday instead of in court. I tell her that I am unable to send money and ask about her IRS refund. She states that she “lost her mind and lost all her money” when the baby was removed from her. Knowing that this means she’s been using drugs, I ask her if she will even test clean at the methadone clinic. The mother hangs up on me.

Later that day Cookie’s grandmother calls me and expresses concern about Cookie’s mother regaining custody. We discuss the possibility of Cookie being returned to our state as we have no idea which state has custody; and the fact that if my family regains custody of her and the mother cannot manage to get clean again—that we would maintain Cookie’s family bonds. Grandmother is firm that Cookie should not return to her mother but instead should be sent to live with our family. The grandmother says she received a similar call from her daughter that morning (approximately 7am) looking for money. Phone calls and text messages continue between me and the grandmother until the next court date on 4/20.

April 6, 2009: My husband and I write a letter to the court stating our concern for Cookie’s welfare, our prior support of reunifying her with her mother and our desire to be included in any permanency plans if the court should pursue them. It is faxed to the courthouse and to CPS2.

Cookie’s grandmother receives a letter from local municipal court stating that they have vacated the 6 month jail sentence for the mother’s 3rd drunk driving offense and instead will allow the mother’s car to be fitted with a breathalyzer collar that requires a breath test before allowing the car to be turned on. Because the mother has not been in contact with the grandmother, the mother is unaware that she is no longer facing jail time here.

April 7, 2009 (Tues): I receive a call from the CPS2 caseworker stating that if we wished to intervene in the case, the next court date would be 4/21. Caseworker expresses concern about the ability of the mother to get clean enough to regain custody and the state’s obligation to allow her to work a case plan. When asked if we had legal standing to intervene she advised me to hire a lawyer as she wasn’t sure.

April 10, 2009 (Fri): I contact CPS2 caseworker to advise that we will be intervening. That morning the mother has a visitation with Cookie and the caseworker tells the mother that we will be intervening. The mother calls for the first time in nearly a week (from the shelter) asking what I was trying to do. I’m unable to speak to her as I’m at a party with my son and tell her that I will call her later.

Cookie is being moved to a new foster home this day and I send a care package to her first foster home—Fedex’d to arrive before the move. It contains clothing, diapers (by request of the foster mother who is not receiving board payments) and an Easter basket with non-edible gifts plus a card for the existing foster parents and the new foster parents with contact information.

The new foster parents e-mail that night with photos of Cookie. They e-mail after their Easter festivities with more pictures of her.

April 13, 2009 (Sun): mother will get on the phone with me at 5pm for 3 minutes to listen but not say anything. I tell her that she had been out of contact and we didn’t know how to find out what was going on without being acknowledged by the court as a party with interest and concern for Cookie. The mother listens but just “uh-huhs” me to acknowledge that she hears me.

Contact with the grandmother continues through phone calls and text messages. The grandmother remains firm about Cookie not going back to the care of her mother and says she will write a letter of support of our gaining custody to the court.

April 20, 2009 (Mon): I contact the grandmother to ask if she is still certain that she can support my husband and I going against her daughter in court and the grandmother says that she does and she loves us. This is the last time we hear from the grandmother.

Motion to intervene is carried because mother has not been served 3 days prior to hearing. Judge orders and expedited ICPC.

Apparently, Cookie's father knows what's going on. The aunt that lives here (in our state) got word that he was trying to contact her. We found it incredibly coincidental that he'd call now--when Cookie had been removed.

Turns out, he seems to know that Cookie's been removed and wants to help keep her from her mother. He's going to call me tomorrow.

The thing is: he's listed on the birth certificate, but never signed it. (actually I found out recently that no father is listed on the birth certificate) He's never seen Cookie and never contacted CPS. By all accounts, he completely abandoned her. I have no idea what value his involvement would have. I mean, will they even CARE about what he wants given that he's NEVER seen her and she's almost 2yo??

He told the aunt that he really just wants to be able to see her once in a while. Since he's drug-free and was always said to be a responsible and upstanding guy (albeit VERY young--he was 20 when she was born where mom was 36), I don't really have a problem with that. Really--I don't. Nobody's going to take her unsupervised so it's not an issue really. The biggest issue would be the mother because she always relapses and I'm pretty sure she'll never let it rest that SHE is the mother vs. acknowledging that we'd both have a hand in mothering her.

*sigh*

The whole things just sucks. It just really sucks.

Actually, court is worthy an entry all by itself--seriously--but more importantly were the outcomes.

Cookie's mom hadn't been served with our motion 3 days in advance; and a "service plan" (things mom had to do to get Cookie back) wasn't prepared yet. The service plan would lay out what level of parental rights and/or custody mom could have of Cookie--and therefore, how much sense it would make to allow us to intervene on the case. After all: if mom was getting the baby back and just had things that CPS would require of her--they wouldn't allow us to intervene.

But at the end of that hearing, Cookie was remaining in the care and custody of the state.

None-the-less, our motion to intervene was "carried". So it wasn't approved but it wasn't denied. Since the mother's lawyer had been served and he refused to accept, the judge allowed the hearing to be paused so that our lawyer's assistant could go get the document necessary to serve Cookie's mom. The assistant wasn't allowed to serve mom, so the judge told her to have the Deputy serve the mom. The Deputy came into the court room because he needed the judge to tell him to serve mom. Mom was finally served.

While we were waiting for the assistant to get the document, the judge tried to proceed "assuming mom would be served" and carried that motion; but ordered an ICPC (Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children) study be done on Matt and I (this is a study to show that we and our home were safe and stable for the placement of a foster child--and because we're already actively licensed with the state, it will go MUCH faster). When his court clerk asked if it should be expedited, he noted that Cookie was under 2 years old and said that it should be. An expedited study SHOULD only take 27 business days. There are 21 business days from court date to court date. But since the bulk of the work (the homestudy) is actually completed--I'm PRAYING that it's possible to be finished and approved by the next court hearing.

The judge also made us a "party to the case"--meaning we are now "part" of Cookie's case and recognized by the court as people who are involved as opposed to just being onlookers.

The next court date is May 19th. I'm going. Actually, I may have to testify and wouldn't have a choice--but I'm going regardless. Matt and I agree that there are too many little things that could come up that our lawyer won't know inside and out, but that I might know about and can whisper into her ear. One of us needs to be there.

May 19th is one year from the day she left our home. Very odd. It's also 6 months from the day the baby (our adoptive placement) came INto our home--and therefore, the first day we could legally finalize her adoption.

My grandmother was the only constant in a rather chaotic childhood. Actually, chaotic is an understatement. Having moved about 9 times before high school, her home was the place where I always knew where to find the iron or the tuna fish. The routines and rules and storage spots never changed. When my mother was late from a work meeting or I needed help, I called gram. She and I had a very special relationship. My mother often sent me to accompany gram on errands and trips that she didn't want to take alone. I accompanied gram to stores and every week we went to see her mother, Granny, in the nursing home... where every week I watched gram cry about her mother not remembering who she was but recognizing me as "Gayle" (my mother).

My grandmother was an incredibly difficult woman to love. I really don't think many people truly could understand how much of an understatement that is because too many people say that about people who are worlds easier to love than gram. My grandmother had incredibly high standards that nobody lived up to. She didn't even live up to her own standards. It made her an incredibly unhappy woman. Most people she loved didn't know it. *I* knew it because I had that special "in" with gram. I knew her secrets. Not just where she hid money and who she helped financial and who paid her back, but what things had happened that made her heart ache--things that would torment her forever. All the things she had nobody else to tell. Pop-pop was gone and she didn't have girlfriends to pal around with. She had me. And I had her to cling to for security.

My grandmother loved her family so much that she wanted the best for them. It came across as having unreachable standards, but it was her backwards way of loving them. As a result, she managed to push people away because it really WAS hard to constantly hear about what you WEREN'T doing and never about what you WERE doing. The thing is: she truly DID love them. It was sad. And she was sad.

Oddly, no matter how much she would chide a member of our family, she would relay all of their accomplishments and strengths to other people--people outside of the family. If you weren't in the family, you never heard a harsh or negative word about her family from her. It was ironic, really. I was really shocked when I first heard her brag outright about someone I'd never heard her say a kind thing about before. And she did it whenever she had the chance.

And she walked a fine line between helping and enabling; but she erred on the side of enabling. She was more generous with her children than my parents have been with me in my entire life.

Because I spent so much time with gram and because she was always there for me when I was afraid or we were temporarily in need of a place to live, I felt a great obligation to her. That lasted most of my life and got to the point of my having to call her at least daily to be sure she was okay as her health and mental state declined, and I couldn't be with her because I had my own family to care for. One of my aunts--one who cared about her as much as I did--finally moved gram in with her about 14 months ago.

I didn't realize how much I had worried and cared for my gram until she was gone. Suddenly, I felt a huge relief. I felt this enormous responsibility removed from me. I relaxed--knowing someone was with her daily and regularly. It wasn't an easy road for my aunt, but it was a huge relief for me.

And last night as I was on my way to the airport to visit them on a trip meant for a court case, gram finally passed away. She had refused food for almost 3 weeks and water for almost a week. She closed her eyes and went in peace. She wasn't in a nursing home--her worst fear in life. She was with people that understood her and loved her for what she was capable of offering... even though it wasn't easy.

I spoke to her just as she started refusing food and she was pretty much "gone" already.

This morning I had some time to sit with my aunt and her daughter in the room gram spent the last year in. We told my cousin stories about gram--stuff we could laugh about. How gram would run through 7 names before she got the right name and an aunt would inadvertently yell "roll call!". How gram would start singing a song related to whatever phrase we had just uttered... like "Lavender Blue" or "I'm Looking Over a 4-leaf Clover" or some other old song we only know because of gram. My aunt and I exchanged the "guess what song I taught my kid"--songs that gram drilled into us. I showed her the hand throw that would tell you her level of disgust. My aunt spewed some of grams best-known phrases. And we laughed, sitting in her room.

It was a good day. My aunt and I knew her better than most. We knew she got what she wanted most in life when it came to how she wanted her life to end. We knew she was out of her misery--physical and emotional. And we were relieved FOR her.

And I know that she knows.

Gram stopped taking water or ice cubes about 3 days ago. It's not going to be long now.

I meet with my attorney about a half hour before court. How could that POSSIBLY be enough??? I'm more nervous about her being well-enough prepared than I am about court. I'm starting to wonder how this will all work out.

I have a lot to do between tonight and tomorrow when I get on the plane. But court is Monday and I'm relieved that I don't have to wait any longer than that.

I had called Cookie's caseworker and left a message asking if I should ask the birthmom to dinner while I was there, and if she would let me know her thoughts after seeing her at the visit today; but I didn't hear from her. I don't want to fight with Cookie's mom--I want to work together.

Sounds like everyone is on lock-down with me. Someone suggested that maybe the mother got some legal representation that's doing their job and advised her not to be nasty to me--but not to talk. It would explain our last conversation and it would explain why there's be ZERO contact with anyone since Saturday night. They're not going to scare us off.

I'm just praying that this is all going to work in our and Cookie's favor. I'm praying. How could they not see the danger to this child's future? But you see judges do this all the time. I'm just praying this isn't one of them.

and I don't even know how to feel about it. But I'm not sure what else to do, either. Two days after my last post Cookie's mom called trying to get me to send money to her for her methadone appointment. It was a Saturday morning. Her appointment was Monday. She said she "went off the deep end and lost all her money", which was $1,300--but I know $300 of it went to bailing herself out of a "disorderly conduct" arrest. The rest clearly went to drugs. I asked her if she'd even test clean for the methadone and she hung up.

Matt and I decided to write a letter to the judge. It was 2 pages long and told him what our relationship and background was with Cookie and her mother; and what our concerns were. We noted that she is still turning to drugs as a stress response and that her not taking accountability for her life and actions had her making decisions that put them in unstable and stressful situations that made her prone to relapsing (which she did). I didn't know that she was facing jail time here for a DUI when she left or I'd have noted that as one of the reasons she left!

No response from her at all. She didn't call after court on Tuesday to tell anyone what happened--not me and not her mother. BUT, the caseworker called and said "I don't know what your means are, but if you were inclined to intervene--our next court date is April 21st". We talked briefly and clearly they know what they're dealing with--so they know that Cookie's mother could work the plan and regain custody, but that Cookie will be back in care eventually. She couldn't really tell me much about what they were going to suggest or do because really, I'm not legally entitled to that information.

I called the caseworker here who is bound by the same problem, but said "If you could, I would go intervene". When I questioned whether it was worth doing (talking it out to myself vs. asking her), she clammed up.

The lawyer is willing to take it on, but then--they get paid either way. So I'm not confident that she's going to tell me that we have no reason to do it.

I called my aunt who lives down there to tell her what was going on. She had been in the hospital and was now out and settled back at home--and I was aching to tell her. She told me that while my aunt was in the hospital, my grandmother (deep into dementia) took a turn for the worst. Apparently this isn't uncommon with dementia patients, either: something happens to their primary caregiver and they give up and check out. Even if the disruption is brief. As of today, my grandmother hasn't eaten solid food in over a week. She's alive on water and ice.

So I'm off... I leave on Saturday and my aunt isn't even sure my grandmother will make it until then. Court was moved to that Monday.

Cookie's mother found out about the intervening on this past Friday and called me--livid. The caseworker found that odd because when she told Cookie's mother, the mother just cried--she wasn't mad. But she was mad when she called me. I finally got her on the phone today and explained that we weren't taking Cookie away from her or out of state--that this was to get the court to recognize us as people who have a significant interest in the child and therefore entitled to information about the case. She didn't hang up on me, but gave me a lot of "Ummm-hmmmms". It was a short conversation. I wasn't going to beg her to "forgive" me. Whatever.

Meanwhile, on Friday Cookie was moved to a new foster home. They e-mailed me Friday night, Saturday morning and then again Saturday evening. I only e-mail them in response to their e-mails. I haven't had one since, though. I did e-mail them tonight to tell them I spoke to her mother. I wonder if they decided it wasn't a good thing for them to be communicating with me. I don't know. It's fine. I know she's in a good home and really--that's enough.

So yeah--a lot going on. I'm nervous. We don't have a lot of money for this. And I really don't want to get on an airplane. And I'm not sure I want my grandmother to hold out until I'm there because I'm not sure I want to see her like that.

We shall see what life holds for the next week. At least I have God's favor.

I don't even know how to make this short.

Cookie was removed from her mother again. It will be two weeks on Monday. Cookie is placed with her mother's former foster parents and has no access to her mother.

Her mother, apparently in panic over what she believed to be her sister holding the baby hostage, did some cocaine. So when CPS removed the baby (her sister was not supposed to give the baby over to the mother, but when the sister went to work--the mother went and took Cookie from the adult niece & nephew babysitting), the mother refused a drug test. She had apparently been to the methadone clinic that morning and did her tox screen there; but the refusal will count as a "dirty" screen. That Friday, they did a hair follicle drug test that we know will show that episode of use; but we're all wondering if she's been clean at all since she got Cookie back.

Because the sister called CPS on her before my state got to calling CPS for a courtesy check, Cookie was removed without any of my state's involvement and therefore it may stay in that state--1500 miles away. As of last night, mom was in a women's shelter.

This morning she tried to call at 4:30am her time (5:30am my time). The subsequent texts said that her sister and kids were filing a felony charge against her for "deadly force" and this being the third felony--she'd be in prison for life. In reality, the incident was the day Cookie was removed: the mother pointed her car at the niece and nephew and revved the engine. Matt says it's possible that it could count as a felony.

To be honest, I don't know what to think or hope. The mother's insecurities run SO deep that there's no way she will ever look at her daughter and choose to give her up for Cookie's sake. She's not even aware that what she's doing is completely self-serving. She knows that she loves her child and needs to feel loved back and her child is the only place on Earth she's ever felt love. She will have to have the child taken or she'll have to die before she relinquishes a second child.

And she's clearly turning to drugs and alcohol to escape stress as opposed to having learned how to deal with it. They hadn't even removed Cookie when she did the cocaine. And the sister called her in for alcohol--not drugs. So she's not functioning well and it's been almost a year. She's 37yo. It's not GOING to get better. As the caseworker here told me yesterday: "Her drug history was just too long" for her to actually stay clean.

So part of me almost hopes they convict her and she gets a life sentence so Cookie can live her life with some semblance of security and stability. But it just feels SO wrong to even think in that direction because I know that she loves her mother and will feel that loss. It just doesn't seem there is any good answer for any of it.

Text messages pick up again in the second week of March. I don’t recall the content.

March 19, 2009 (Thurs): Mother advises that her sister is being evicted and that they all have to leave by Monday. Her sister will live with boyfriend while niece and nephew will stay with friends but she and Cookie have no place to go. I’m uncertain whether to believe her and wait to see if things change over the weekend. At some point today or prior to today the mother states she expects an IRS refund. I advise her to use this money to secure housing for herself and Cookie.

March 20, 2009 (Fri): CPS caseworker returns from maternity leave and calls me to get contact information for the mother. Caseworker says that the case was not closed for lack of methadone clinic information—which leads her to believe the mother is using drugs again. I tell the caseworker that I had no indication that the mother was using and in fact I saw the mother think clearly and rationally during a time of crisis. I told the caseworker that to my knowledge, mother was working, attending methadone maintenance and had her daughter enrolled in daycare.

Caseworker attempts to hunt the mother down through social services in their current state and contacts the daycare center. Daycare states that the mother came to see the center but never returned. CPS (CPS1) says they are requesting the other state's CPS (CPS2) to do a courtesy check with a drug screen to ensure the mother is not using drugs again. Caseworker states that the mother has been convicted of her third drinking and driving offense at some point after regaining custody of Cookie (in our state, she is now facing mandatory jail time for this offense).

I text the mother to advise her to call CPS and give the clinic information. Mother states that she already did this and I advise her to do it again to close the case. Mother insists the case is closed and now believes that I called CPS based on her pending eviction and lack of housing. I text the mother a few times noting that I did not call CPS when she was “homeless” in February and I would not do it now. I don’t hear from the mother again until Sunday night.

March 23, 2009 (Monday): The maternal aunt contacts me to say that the mother’s family is concerned about Cookie and are arranging to fly one of the mother’s nieces from her home to where Cookie & her mother are to take Cookie and fly to my state where they will meet up with one of the mother’s sisters, who will take Cookie to a family one state north of us where she will be raised with the mother’s sister serving as childcare provider. The grandmother asks the maternal aunt if she should contact CPS1. I tell the maternal aunt that the grandmother should contact CPS1.

I contact the caseworker who says she will contact the grandmother at her home to see if she will talk to the caseworker.

Cookie is removed from mother’s custody later in the day.

March 25, 2009 (Wed): Mother contacts me to discuss the baby’s removal. She says that she went to methadone maintenance Monday morning and her nephew was babysitting Cookie. When the mother returned to the house, the sister said that she would not hand Cookie over to her mother. The mother left the house and returned after her sister went to work. Upon getting access to her daughter, she “calmed down” by doing some cocaine offered to her by her niece. The court affadavit states she admitted to doing cocaine Sunday night (before her methadone maintenance).

At the time that she calls she is out with someone whose house she is staying at looking for something to cleanse her system before taking a drug test required by CPS2 by Friday. She says that the person with her is a retired NY City police officer.

Text messages say that she’s unable to go through this and doesn’t have her child.

March 26, 2009 (Thurs): Mother finds out the drug test is a hair analysis. Her texts now lament about how it is over.

March 27, 2009 (Fri): Mother gets to see baby. Cookie’s foster mother (the mother’s former foster mother) states that the mother was arrested at a local bank for disorderly conduct under the influence and uses $300 of her tax return money to bail herself out. The foster mother had been holding the tax return money for the mother and states there had been $1,400.

March 29, 2009 (Sun): Mother sends multiple messages about losing the baby, the possibility of moving to her own mother's state (which she claims CPS2 is aware she is planning), and that if she is unable to have custody of Cookie they will return to my state where we will have custody of Cookie.

Mother arrives at sister's home on Feb. 1 and texts to tell me that Feb. 2 she already has a job. She texts during the week about the cultural changes.

Feb. 11, 2009 the mother’s sister throws her out of the house and mother drives around with Cookie trying to figure out where to go. She has an appointment with social services and I advise her to tell them that her living situation is serious and she needs housing; and to ask about a woman-child shelter. Mother later texts that social services says she will not qualify for any kind of assistance. I ask if it is a residency issue because she has just moved and mother responds that she doesn’t know.

Mother notes her desire to get off of methadone. When asked if she has asked the new clinic doctor about getting off methadone she says she hasn’t asked because the doctor here said she was too unstable to reduce the dosage. She is easily calmed when I point out to her that given the level of instability in her life right now, she would be better served staying on the methadone until things are stable. She agrees noting her desire not to wind up in a position of doing unsavory things to get drugs and lose her daughter again. She also decides not to address the “eviction” with her sister at her sister’s place of business because the mother thinks that given her sister’s mental state, the sister may call the police.

Later in the day, the mother returns to her sister’s home and the sister has calmed down and doesn’t throw them out again.

Feb. 14, 2009 the mother contacts me to make a plan for her and Cookie’s stability as she is nervous from the previous “eviction”. We discuss potential cost of housing arrangements and getting Cookie into daycare instead of being babysat by her nephew. The mother’s conversations are choppy and she cuts off/hangs up but reconnects. Mother texts contemplating a move to her mother's home state and notes that her sister there will only allow her to stay with her briefly.

Sometime in the next week, the mother contacts me for advice about a licensed in-home daycare vs. a “school” environment. I offer to check that the in-home provider is licensed (it is) and advise her that the licensing is the more important issue at the moment. She seems pleased to know they are in fact licensed.

During February we are in regular contact. Mother sends photos of Cookie. There is a lull in contact during the last week and a half of February and first week of March.

We have a visit to exchange Christmas gifts on Jan. 4th. Mother had been busy working during the holidays. Visit is warm and loving. Mother notes that they are moving at the end of the month because they will be evicted from their home. Cookie’s maternal grandmother will return to her home state (over 1,000 miles away) and Cookie and her mother will move to a sister’s house in another state (about 1,500 miles away--they will drive). She notes that Cookie’s father has said that if they are living closer to the US-Mexican border, it will be easier for him to “send for them”. She adds that she will live with her sister. Further discussion about this living arrangement uncovers that the sister is mentally unstable; but the mother asserts that it will be fine. When questioned about her insistence on going to live with this sister, the mother notes that she doesn’t really know this sister very well because she didn’t grow up with her and it will be a good bonding experience. Mother also notes that her own former foster parents are nearby so she has people in the area to socialize with.

I contact the covering CPS caseworker to ensure she knows about the move. I don’t get a return call.

Jan. 26, 2009: Cookie and her mother come for dinner. We use the computer to gauge the amount of time it will take them to drive to the new residence and discuss the trip. It’s a very happy visit. Mother plans to leave on the 28th.