So today the judge ruled on allowing Cookie to come for an extended visit to our home. I'm the only one in the house that's seen her since January 26, 2009. So this is what was relayed to me from my lawyer...

In court, of course her mother opposed (as she opposes visit requests when I'm there and Cookie doesn't have to leave the state). Cookie's lawyer opposed stating that it was "inappropriate given that the goal was reunification and mom is working her service plan". Ummmm... we're 7 months into the case and mom has no job or housing. Last time Cookie was in foster care, mom was already working for several months and housed for at least 1 month. The CASA (Court-Appointed Special Advocate) noted that while she felt that Cookie wouldn't be in any harm or danger, she felt it was inappropriate for a reunification case. (I honestly can't be sure that's exactly what the position was--I may be confusing this and she may have had another reason why not; but I'm clear that she was firm about feeling Cookie wouldn't be in any harm or danger with the visit).

Initially, CPS opposed because "the goal is reunification with the mother". We knew this because we asked them for permission before taking it to the judge. But they apparently paused the hearing and pulled the current foster mother outside to ask her about the whole thing. She's seen me with Cookie and noted to me that if she hadn't seen it herself, she'd have never believed such a bond could exist with this child. Well, the caseworker's supervisor and the CASA spoke to the foster mother in the hall and when they returned, CPS changed their opposition to the visit and stated that they were neither going to oppose or support it--that they would do what the judge felt was best. Their only request was that it not interfere with the mother's visitation--that mom not miss a single visit (which she has every week).

The judge decided that Cookie's mom could miss ONE visit and that Cookie could come to us in early January. I'm not sure why so far off, but I'm grateful for not having to travel at the holidays and having advance ticket purchase discount. :) We are required that I travel down to accompany her here and the same going back--which we knew would be the case (and we wouldn't have it any other way).

We have a hearing between now and then. I'm nervous they'll cancel the visitation.

I know that it came up that they want to try extended visits with her mother when mom gets housing. She's been accepted into a program to help with that--but not until January. There was apparently concern about this visit interfering with that. The judge asked if the mother would have housing by a specific date in January and they admitted it wasn't likely. So he said that the visit could take place before that date.

I was stunned. Happy, but stunned. We're all kind of surprised.

Cookie refers to me as "Ho-Ho". I thought she was saying "hold" but her foster mother said that she showed Cookie a picture of our house and said it was "Heather's house". A while later they asked her whose house the picture was and she said "Ho-Ho". They got a new car and she was now able to see out the window better. Well, now she saw a particular house and would say "Mommy!" every time she passed it. They weren't sure if she meant me, or her birthmother... so I sent a picture of my house.

We got a minivan today. We'd been looking since we knew we were intervening in the case. The quest was to find a minivan that wasn't TOO old, had TOO many miles or was going to cost TOO much more than what we would get for our truck.

Eight months later, the planets aligned. Today we traded our 2004 GMC Envoy XUV for a 2007 Dodge Grand Caravan. It's a shade of blue just shy of neon. *eyeroll* and the one thing we truly didn't want to compromise on was leather seats... but we did. We didn't WANT a DVD system so that worked in our favor. But now we have a vehicle that can absolutely fit 3 carseats. Hallelujah.

Of course, I didn't sleep at all last night (literally--not at all) just trying to reconcile taking on MORE debt. The difference between the vehicles wasn't even $4,000 but we don't HAVE it. It could've been $500. Wouldn't matter.

And the fundraiser got cancelled for lack of response; but I think we're going to try to do it online as a silent auction... or maybe even eBay. I need to start working on eBay listings. I paid for the August plane ticket with eBay sales. Maybe we can raise another one that way.

As for Cookie, she was sick again. And the doctor doped her up on antibiotics again. I can only imagine what this is doing to her little digestive tract and how much damage control will need to be done as a result. I hesitate to ask the current foster parents to put her on a probiotic because I know that with all the illness and antibiotics she may have massive intestinal yeast problems and the probiotic could make her vomit. Managing from that point forward would be hard to do THROUGH other people and really, if you're not familiar with it--it DOES sound like nutjob stuff.

But I am worried about it. The foster parents HAVE said that she still has a reaction to milk. I think they said only if she gets a lot of it--I can't remember, I just know she still reacts to it. So we'll have work to do. Thankfully we're completely dairy and soy free here--so WE won't have any adjusting to do. And I'll be sure to find out what her favorite foods are at her current home and whatever it costs to replicate in irritant-free foods... well, we'll just have to do that while she's adjusting. But we've seen how trace amounts of irritant foods can affect behavior and development. I'm anxious to get her home.

Just Love Coffee sells Fair Trade certified coffee (single purchase or as a subscription) and a portion of the sale goes to The Cookie Cause.

It's a generous portion of the sale price--not just on the bags of coffee, but also on other products.

So if you happen to be in the market for coffee anyway, please consider purchasing it from our fundraising site!

http://www.justlovecoffee.com/cookie

It seems like there are only two kinds of foster parents in the world: those who neglect the kids and pocket the monthly check; and those who are desperate to adopt and are out to get someone's baby.

I'm not going to deny that those types of foster parents exist. But the media would have you believe that they are the majority when they really are not. Most of the foster parents I know are just like me: providing a home, comfort, advocacy and some life/coping skills to kids who are undergoing one of the most traumatic things in their little lives.

People assume it's about the money. Ummm... we don't actually GET that much money for them. In fact, you couldn't find daycare for what I am paid in my board rate and I'm living with these children 24/7, clothing them, feeding them, keeping them bathed and groomed, advocating for them at school and the doctor's office, and keeping the state apprised of what's going on with them to ensure that issues I see in my home are addressed long-term. The cheapest licensed daycare in my area gets almost twice as much per month as I do--and that's for 8am-5pm care with no advocacy, etc. Heck, they don't even provide snacks or lunch.

So why do we do it? Everyone's answer will be different. For us, we knew that safe, good homes were needed. We also didn't want our son to grow up as an only child. We wanted to know if we COULD love a non-biological child like our own in case we pursued adoption. But I know some who just have the extra space (the state really requires VERY little), CAN care for another child and know how desperately good, safe homes are needed. They see how bad they CAN be treated in foster care and feel strongly about being a better option. Still others just love being a parent... to as many kids as they can comfortably care for. Some love a little challenge--like the one that comes with trying to figure out how to care for a new child in crisis and taking on their special needs.

Everyone's answer will be different. And there are thousands of answers that have nothing to do with money.

And even the ones that are hoping to adopt from foster care are not all "out to get someones baby". While I don't find that many states prepare those parents for the fact that most of these children go home; I do find many foster parents who are hoping to adopt, but still able to support a child in the goal of going home.

I went to a potluck with a mother's group for Halloween that was wonderful. This particular mother's group is hosting a fundraiser to try to help us raise funds. So far, we've managed to raise enough to get me to the December hearing and pay all of those travel costs just through donations sent to the house and through PayPal (to thecookiecause@yahoo.com in case you're interested ;) ).

It's pretty much the norm to hear people say "How can you do it? How can you let those kids go? I'd get too attached...". Let me say this: good foster parents know that this is not meant to be hurtful, but it really is. It's like saying that we can only do what we do because we don't get attached or love the kids.

It's just not like that.

When you love a child with all of your heart and soul, you want them to be happy. And you know that if their biological parents or their blood relatives can keep them safe, that's where it's going to be. No large house or better clothing or organic food is going to replace that connection. My biggest point of concern for our adopted daughter is that I have NOTHING of her mother to offer her but a name. No hair ribbon, no picture... not even the name her mother gave her because her mother DIDN'T give her one (her legal first name was BabyGirl for the first 6 months of her life). I can't even tell her the race of her father. I'm hoping that she's not going to be one of the children that feels a void for lack of these things... for lack of a grandmother or aunt that can tell her that she laughs like her mom did or her eyes are like her dad's.

Even when children are abused, they still love their parents.

So when you, as a foster parent, love the children in your care and you see the kids going to a parent that has worked for it or a relative that loves them and regardless, an environment that is safe--you're HAPPY. Because the child that you love is happy. It is absolutely sad to miss them being a part of your day-to-day life, but you get through that pretty quickly. And I won't say that you don't worry about them and you don't wonder, because you do. I just breathed a sigh of relief having heard from a grandmother of the girls that left the day after Cookie arrived. They're doing well. It's not like you forget them. You just become aware of your role in their lives, and it's a role that you likely never knew existed unless your parents were foster parents. It's very different. And it's (usually) temporary.

When Cookie came to us it was supposed to be a 2-week placement. Then it "wasn't looking good" and then it turned around. When she went home, we were simultaneously ecstatic, nervous and sad because she was such a part of our daily lives. What we're involved with now is certainly not the norm.

The media has done a grave injustice to foster parents who are involved in the system and trying to make a positive difference in kids lives. And if they think they're making good people want to foster--they're wrong. Nobody wants to attach themselves to what they think is a corrupt system full of evil people.

Likewise, I have to wonder if some of the hesitancy people have to helping us in Cookie's case has to do with public perception of foster parents being that we're all just somehow bad people who always have an ulterior motive that is self-driven vs. what is best for the child.

Would love to know when that will end...