At some point prior to 11/6, mother makes a statement to CPS that she would relinquish her parental rights if Cookie goes to her biological father.

Visits with the mother continue without problems. Only issues are between the mother and her relatives. Mother states that her aunt and sister can no longer attend visits. She tells CPS they can see the baby, just not during her 2-hour visit with her due to the stress. The mother starts e-mailing me from a different account--directly. Mother questions the lazy eye, but at this point Cookie is under 6mo old and the doctors will not acknowledge it as it is common for infants under 6mo.

Cookie continues to have withdrawal backlash episodes that last up to 4 days long. Cookie is evaluated by Early Intervention and qualifies for severe hypertonia. She is barely able to move her arms as they are usually "frozen" into a straight, shoulder-back position. They will begin physical therapy on the premise that infants grow cognitively through physical input--so addressing the physical issues should automatically help the cognitive delays she showed. Baby is now sleeping from 8-9pm through to 6-7am (11/29). Also waking up quiet and happy; and begins to suck on her first two fingers for comfort when she’s tired.

We send the mother a detailed, but not identifying, description of our family (11/29) after a series of back-and-forth misunderstandings through a transport worker.

We give the mother a coupon for a free 8x10 photo session at Picture People and I call to make the appointment for her during their visitation time after confirming with caseworker that they will hold the visit at the mall. Mother asks us not to dress the baby in pink every visit as the grandmother hates pink although the mother loves it. Father is still absent and without contact with CPS.

The court case went mediocre. Nothing changed. The judge asked what the state's plan was if the mother couldn't get into inpatient treatment and they said that she would be re-evaluated after her intensive outpatient treatment to see where she stands. The mother undergoes psychological evaluation and bonding assessment in mid-December to see if she's even capable of parenting the baby... who we now call "Cookie". It avoids calling her by her name... just in case we run into people who have met the mother. Since mom works in the area as a waitress and the baby has a very uncommon name, it's a concern--if only for mom's privacy.

The caseworker and I discussed that the mother is probably capable of getting custody again. The problem is that we agree she could land back in foster care. The caseworker said that if the baby came back into state care, their goal would NOT be reunification with her mother. Unfortunately, depending on how long that took, we're not sure we would adopt her. When you think of the damage that could happen in that time that could never be recovered, well, it's hard to say. It breaks my heart to even think about it; although Matt and I said that if we didn't have vehicle space when she came back into care we would get a new vehicle so that we could take her. So I guess there really ISN'T much to think about.

And I'm dreading the holidays. We're spending Thanksgiving at my brother-in-laws with his wife's family (my in-laws are a tiny family by comparison). My SILs family is well-meaning, but nosy and kind of in-your-face. Before I had Graham, one of her aunts said to me "When are YOU gonna have a baby" (insert Italian accent). I thought that I had the perfect comeback: "You believe in God--right?" (insert look of astonishment) "Of course!" So I told her "When God wants us to have a baby, we'll have one.". She chuckled and said "Well, sometimes God need a little help--huh?" and laughed. There's no winning. There are pretty much no boundaries.

So I dread the holidays and having to deal with the countless people telling us how they "could NEVER do it--they would be too attached" and how wonderful we are to foster children--which makes me want to SMACK them. I feel like I went to their house for dinner, used their bathroom, and found it so repulsively dirty that I needed to clean it--rude as it seemed. And then they THANKED me for it. You just want to scream "YOU SHOULD BE TOO ASHAMED TO MENTION THIS AT ALL!!!!". That's how I feel. First I want to say "Well, good thing there are cold, heartless, unfeeling bastards like me and Matt who CAN do it". Matt says we should just go over-the-top with the responses and say "Well, you barely have to feed her so the money is great--how could you pass THAT up!". We've come up with some happy mediums. Like "It's a shame that you can't get over that so that some child can know what it's like to live in a loving family instead of a group home or a hospital where the only attention they get is to be fed..." or "It's not about me and my feelings, it's about making sure that we help those who have nothing else... because we'll get over it when they leave, but they'll never get over not living in a home." I really just don't want to hear it. It makes me sick to even think about it, really.

The baby's mother goes to court tomorrow. I have no idea what they'll do, but it worries me to think that this child will go back to the mother and wind up in foster care again. Honestly, Matt and I really don't have a problem with her LEAVING if she goes to a good situation. I know he means it by the way he says things and I want to jump out of my skin saying "YES!!! EXACTLY!!!". And forget trying to call her by a different name. It just feels wrong for so many countless reasons and yet, we don't know what to do about mom's privacy. The baby has such an uncommon name and mom works with the public. If they continue to allow the mother visitation, it's going to be difficult for us to come to terms with the possibility of her going back to her mother. The mother's been an addict for too long. She's been clean for a year and gone back. She's already lost a child to drugs and continued to go back to using. She went to jail, stayed clean after coming out, and STILL went back to using. It's been at least 8 years that we know of.