Probably not. But it's tempting. We're making an effort to build bonds of attachment with her now. I can see Matt doing it, too. We're trying to let ourselves love her. Of course, when Graham was a newborn we had the same hesitation--and he was our own. As if it weren't real.

I went to the placement review on Friday and met the birthmother's aunt. We had coffee after the review. She's really a wonderful lady. Between the placement review and the coffee afterward, I found out that the baby's mother had done 2-1/2 years in jail back in her home state for drug-related charges. When she came out, she moved here--into her aunt's house. For about a year, she was on-track, employed and paid out thousands of dollars in fines. Then she fell off the wagon again. I found out that the birthmother is my age and bi-polar on top of the drug problem. Her older child went to live with his father 7 or 8 years ago, but back then she didn't fight DYFS about it: she had the presence of mind to know that her child would be better off there. She and her sister were living in an apartment that was leased in the name of the baby's father--and the women are being evicted. The mother still is not in a treatment program, but finally submitted to a drug test on Wednesday or Thursday of last week. As of Friday morning, the caseworker didn't have the results (which I don't believe for a minute). Visitation will proceed tomorrow as scheduled unless the caseworker feels the mother is under the influence again. If she is, the visits will be suspended. Prior, she said that if the mother tested positive again visits would be suspended. I don't know what will happen now.

It's also in question whether or not the baby's father is truly out of the country. The birthmother says he is not--that he's here. The brother of the baby's father has told the aunt that he is in fact back in their home country. But the caseworkers contact information was sent to the birthfather on Wednesday or Thursday. If he doesn't contact the caseworker by the end of this week, I will assume he's pretty much out of the picture. The caseworker believes the father is here, but I have no idea what she's basing that on. It appears to be a hunch.

Our feelings have changed since Friday. Matt and I have both taken a different tone towards the baby. Without a word between us about it, we are both trying to treat her like she is our own. People think you just instantly get attached to them because they're in your home--living with you like your own child. You just don't. It's so "in your face" that they're not yours. When the baby has an angry face on (trying to poop of course) you don't look at her and say "OH! That's uncle John's face!". You wonder whose face it is--and if they're violent. It's a very strange and very distancing feeling. When you put on the gloves you're supposed to when you change her diaper, you are again reminded that she may have Hepatitis C. You wonder if she actually has it and wonder how long her mother has been infected with it--and if that length of infection could affect the baby's odds of having it. There are hundreds of those little things that just poke at you--reminding you that she's not yours. I don't think it's something you could believe until you're experiencing it. I'm sure that as time wears on--we'll get attached. But it takes longer than people think. Much longer.

Now we're trying. I think that as it becomes more likely that she's staying longer, we worry more about the repercussions of NOT bonding with her or not being cuddly enough with her. Before, we didn't really think about it: she wasn't going to be here long enough for it to make a difference because her grandmother was coming up to take custody. Her father wanted her, too--and he was described as a completely upstanding person. She wouldn't be here long. But the grandmother had an open physical abuse case and charges (the abuse being against the baby's mother) back in 1988; and the father STILL has not made contact with DYFS. Her mother STILL isn't in a treatment program. The chances that she'll "go home" are dwindling as each day goes by. Her aunt says that she finally convinced her sister (the baby's grandmother) that the baby should be adopted out. The grandmother is 69. She'll be in her 80s by the time the baby is in middle school.

I want to run out and buy pink bedding for her bedroom but Matt believes it will jinx us. I feel like if it's meant to be, we can't actually jinx it--right?

Go figure that the one we thought would be the quickest to leave might be the one to stay...