I get some truly awful PMS. This month was bad again--and I think the caffeine (necessary because of the baby's schedule) is exacerbating it.

The baby is at visitation right now. The caseworker said that while birthmom is in the psych ward of the hospital, they won't let the baby visit her; but as a show of good faith, they will allow her mother to visit with the baby. The transporter that picked her up said that the uncle would be visiting today. I'm a little surprised.

So far, there's been no contact from the birthfather. But the uncle she's speaking of is undoubtedly paternal. The mother's aunt was certain that it wasn't someone from her family. So now I'm wondering: does this mean that the father made contact? At minimum, the father's family made contact... right?

I'm nervous about what will happen after the mother has detoxed and is no longer under the influence. Will she actually straighten out? Will she just straighten out long enough to get the baby back? Will it be a complete roller coaster? (duh).

What about the father...? The caseworker told me last week that if he comes back, he has to do a DNA test to establish paternity--he can't just sign the birth certificate and paternity affadavit. If he doesn't establish paternity, then his family has no greater standing than we do in terms of keeping her. I wouldn't have thought that.

In the meantime, Matt and I had all our bloodwork taken for the maternal-fetal medicine appointment tomorrow. My mother-in-law is going to watch Graham and Matt's actually going to come with me. I'm really nervous about it. I wonder if that has played into my mental mayhem this weekend. Poor Matt. I don't even know what to do for him. I put him through the wringer this weekend. And while everything I said was absolutely true and valid, I probably didn't need to tell him all of the things I was thinking. I could've kept them to myself. It's old business and the last month, things have been getting better.

It was a rough weekend for sure. But then the transport picked up the baby this morning and I promptly engaged my little Graham (who I kept home today). We played 15 minutes of "Look at MY funny face!"... and the cloud lifted. I had honest-to-God one-on-one time with him... and there was nothing but love and joy from him. And all was right with the world. Thank God. I almost didn't want to put him down for a nap.

I don't know where my life is going. I don't know who I can cling to. I know Graham loves me, and that's where it ends. But for now, I'm grateful that that is enough.