Baby continues to have problems with feeding, burping and gas. She is still having fits of inconsolable crying related to lasting 4-5 days each week. Allergenic formula constipates her badly (treated with pear/prune juice per Dr. orders). We receive a list of goals from a Medicaid HMO caseworker, but have already addressed all of them.

Mother e-mails from the psych hospital once and says she is pending move to rehab (which never happens). Mother is accepted to a mother-child rehab program and CPS refuses to give approval. Mother has acceptance to an inpatient program that doesn’t include Cookie but wants to attend a mother-child program and will not give in despite CPS’ refusal.

Mother leaves psych hospital approx. 10/18 and is living with her mother (Cookie’s maternal grandmother) in another county approx. 1 hour away). The mother’s maternal aunt states that the mother and grandmother drive daily to our county for mother’s methadone treatment.

Mother continues to look for an inpatient program that accepts patients on methadone maintenance. She attends an outpatient program. Visits resume. Mother starts attempting to get our name and location through a novice transport worker (in our state, CPS does all visitation transports and foster parents are COMPLETELY anonymous unless placement is with relative/friend).

Baby had finished the height of the withdrawal but appears to have withdrawal backlash episodes soon after the visits with her mother. Father is still absent and without contact with CPS. Early in the month there is suspicion that he is in the state. Mother's e-mails state that "he'll be back".

Apparently the birthfather's brother and his wife & kids were at the visitation. They took some pictures and were pleasant, but didn't say a word about the situation and changed the subject when it was brought up. The transporter said there was clearly tension between the birthparents families.

The maternal grandmother was griping about being given once/month visits. She was livid that she had sold her trailer and relocated to be with her granddaughter and is now going to see her once/month. The mother's sister told the baby "Mommy's going to get you back--she just made a mistake,". A mistake? An 8-year long mistake? Apparently they called the birthmother and put her on the phone with the baby.

Of course, they couldn't get the baby to burp during the feeding--so she took a total of 1-1/2 oz. instead of her usual 2-3 oz. (sometimes 4). Great.

And the maternal grandmother's sister--that aunt we e-mail with--made it there later. Apparently the grandmother doesn't want to discuss things in her sister's presence. Maybe because she knows that the aunt doesn't feel the grandmother should have the baby; and I think the grandmother wants her after all.

So I called the caseworker to clarify visitation. But I also want to know when the uncle came into the picture. This morning? That would explain why she didn't say anything... but if not this morning, why didn't she say something? And what are his intentions? How did he gain access to the baby when there's no proven relation? I don't understand that...

I'm sure I won't get a call back before Wednesday or Thursday. Great.

I get some truly awful PMS. This month was bad again--and I think the caffeine (necessary because of the baby's schedule) is exacerbating it.

The baby is at visitation right now. The caseworker said that while birthmom is in the psych ward of the hospital, they won't let the baby visit her; but as a show of good faith, they will allow her mother to visit with the baby. The transporter that picked her up said that the uncle would be visiting today. I'm a little surprised.

So far, there's been no contact from the birthfather. But the uncle she's speaking of is undoubtedly paternal. The mother's aunt was certain that it wasn't someone from her family. So now I'm wondering: does this mean that the father made contact? At minimum, the father's family made contact... right?

I'm nervous about what will happen after the mother has detoxed and is no longer under the influence. Will she actually straighten out? Will she just straighten out long enough to get the baby back? Will it be a complete roller coaster? (duh).

What about the father...? The caseworker told me last week that if he comes back, he has to do a DNA test to establish paternity--he can't just sign the birth certificate and paternity affadavit. If he doesn't establish paternity, then his family has no greater standing than we do in terms of keeping her. I wouldn't have thought that.

In the meantime, Matt and I had all our bloodwork taken for the maternal-fetal medicine appointment tomorrow. My mother-in-law is going to watch Graham and Matt's actually going to come with me. I'm really nervous about it. I wonder if that has played into my mental mayhem this weekend. Poor Matt. I don't even know what to do for him. I put him through the wringer this weekend. And while everything I said was absolutely true and valid, I probably didn't need to tell him all of the things I was thinking. I could've kept them to myself. It's old business and the last month, things have been getting better.

It was a rough weekend for sure. But then the transport picked up the baby this morning and I promptly engaged my little Graham (who I kept home today). We played 15 minutes of "Look at MY funny face!"... and the cloud lifted. I had honest-to-God one-on-one time with him... and there was nothing but love and joy from him. And all was right with the world. Thank God. I almost didn't want to put him down for a nap.

I don't know where my life is going. I don't know who I can cling to. I know Graham loves me, and that's where it ends. But for now, I'm grateful that that is enough.