In late December there was a team meeting that I attended. I knew I'd meet Cookie's mother, and that's partially WHY I went. It was uncomfortable at first because they explained to her (for the first time) what concurrent planning was; and that Matt & I adopting Cookie was her concurrent plan. See, the way it works is that the state works the plan, and simultaneously works a backup plan. We are Cookie's backup plan. Cookie's mother had NO CLUE that this was the situation; and suddenly I wasn't the woman e-mailing her updates of her daughter in hopes of keeping them close--I was someone with an interest in keeping her child. Ick.

After the meeting I told her how bad I felt that she didn't know that, and I reassured her that we weren't out to keep her baby--that we'd never give her so much info and pictures if we were. She hugged me and seemed relieved. But I got an e-mail just a few days ago where she admitted that when she didn't hear back about the baby's hearing test that she momentarily thought that I was trying to keep the baby from her. She said it in the context of knowing how ridiculous it was, but then why say that?

As it is, during the meeting they discussed that every court date is a decision about where the baby will be. The mother took that and ran with it. They have court again on Jan. 30th and she has gone out and bought all kinds of stuff in preparation for the baby coming home--including diapers and wipes. No crib, but all kinds of other things. At the meeting she was told that she couldn't have custody of the baby if she lived with her mother. There was a substantiated claim of abuse against the mother (abuse toward's Cookie's mother, actually) that prevented her from getting custody when Cookie's mother couldn't have it. Now, Cookie's mother claims that neither she nor her mother have any clue what that claim is about. The team told her that her mother should then appeal to have the claim removed; and NOT to move in with her mother until it was removed. Meanwhile, the two have just rented a home to live in.

Cookie's mother is also trying to get her Social Security number. I gave her the head's up that she couldn't claim Cookie on her returns and she says that she knows. Apparently (through the grapevine) she is trying to get a passport to take the baby to central america where the birthfather is. So, he left in June, baby was born in August and he has made no contact with the birthmother, her family or the state. In one e-mail, the mother made reference to him coming back once the baby was back with her--so I wondered if that was her motivation for getting custody. Now I seriously wonder--since she's had no contact with him since. So she's going to take the baby there and say "LOOK! She's here and she's with me!"?? Insanity.

Then there's the situation with the mother's aunt. The mother cut the aunt out of mom's visitation with the baby. At the time, she told the caseworker (or so the cw told me) that she didn't mind the aunt seeing the baby, but she didn't want to give up any of HER time with the baby (which is only 2 hours/week) and certainly didn't need the tension between the two of them around the baby. These were absolutely respectable reasons. Well, after our meeting she found out that I visited with the aunt the day before. The aunt had a Christmas gift for Cookie. That was Dec. 27th and it's still eating at her something fierce. Yesterday's e-mail even asked how often I see the aunt and for how long. This is after telling me via e-mail that if the aunt wanted info about her daughter, she could come to the mother. I gently reminded the mother that SHE cut the aunt out--so if I were her aunt, I would be waiting for the mother to come to me. The mother conveniently chose not to respond to this. Of course, I have conveniently chose not to respond to her subsequent statements about the aunt; and have asked the caseworker if I HAVE to cut her off. The caseworker doesn't seem to think so, but we'll see.

The best is that the state only plans to follow-up on the mother for 3-4 months after she has custody. That little tidbit sent me over the edge. I typed everything up and e-mailed it to the baby's lawyer's office. The investigator called me within the hour and set up an appointment to come out on Wednesday. Honestly, all I really want is for the state to follow the mother for a full year. If they'll do that, I won't make a stink. Especially if that includes drug testing. The mother doesn't realize that she can't leave the country while the state still has supervision of her. As it is, I think that will make her nuts for 3-4 months. If it's a year that she can't go hunting for the birthfather, I think she will actually hand the baby back over.

Meanwhile, the physical therapist was here yesterday and said that Cookie definitely has hypertonia. I cried. I also wrote the whole thing up for mom, the caseworker and the state nurse. And I included the information that this is damage to the baby's central nervous system. The nurse wants a neurodevelopmental evaluation done on the baby and I already have the names from the Medicaid HMO for the local developmental neurologists. I didn't forward THAT info to the mother. But I wonder if she will realize that this COULD be a lifelong issue, or if she will, as usual, look at it like everything is going to be fine--just give her that baby so she can use her to chase down the birthfather.

Given that the baby has some physical markers for Fetal Alcohol Syndrome/Effect and now the news that she has hypertonia, I asked Matt what we would do if she were seriously disabled? If we would still want to adopt her? I seriously wondered if Matt would want to keep her (assuming it goes that route). I wondered if the problems with Graham would have Matt believe that we would be short-changing Graham in some way. I actually wondered how wise it would be myself. I had to ask Matt a few times to get a straight answer out of him. The last time I asked, he looked at her and she responded with just the happiest little smile in the world. He turned to me and said "How could we not?" I was so relieved. I never imagined loving her this much--problems and all; but I do. I can't believe that we are faced with the potential of a lifetime challenge, and not even thinking twice about it. I told Matt "We just can't manage to GET a normal kid in this house, can we?" and he said "Maybe that's our purpose."

He might be right.