It seems like there are only two kinds of foster parents in the world: those who neglect the kids and pocket the monthly check; and those who are desperate to adopt and are out to get someone's baby.

I'm not going to deny that those types of foster parents exist. But the media would have you believe that they are the majority when they really are not. Most of the foster parents I know are just like me: providing a home, comfort, advocacy and some life/coping skills to kids who are undergoing one of the most traumatic things in their little lives.

People assume it's about the money. Ummm... we don't actually GET that much money for them. In fact, you couldn't find daycare for what I am paid in my board rate and I'm living with these children 24/7, clothing them, feeding them, keeping them bathed and groomed, advocating for them at school and the doctor's office, and keeping the state apprised of what's going on with them to ensure that issues I see in my home are addressed long-term. The cheapest licensed daycare in my area gets almost twice as much per month as I do--and that's for 8am-5pm care with no advocacy, etc. Heck, they don't even provide snacks or lunch.

So why do we do it? Everyone's answer will be different. For us, we knew that safe, good homes were needed. We also didn't want our son to grow up as an only child. We wanted to know if we COULD love a non-biological child like our own in case we pursued adoption. But I know some who just have the extra space (the state really requires VERY little), CAN care for another child and know how desperately good, safe homes are needed. They see how bad they CAN be treated in foster care and feel strongly about being a better option. Still others just love being a parent... to as many kids as they can comfortably care for. Some love a little challenge--like the one that comes with trying to figure out how to care for a new child in crisis and taking on their special needs.

Everyone's answer will be different. And there are thousands of answers that have nothing to do with money.

And even the ones that are hoping to adopt from foster care are not all "out to get someones baby". While I don't find that many states prepare those parents for the fact that most of these children go home; I do find many foster parents who are hoping to adopt, but still able to support a child in the goal of going home.

I went to a potluck with a mother's group for Halloween that was wonderful. This particular mother's group is hosting a fundraiser to try to help us raise funds. So far, we've managed to raise enough to get me to the December hearing and pay all of those travel costs just through donations sent to the house and through PayPal (to thecookiecause@yahoo.com in case you're interested ;) ).

It's pretty much the norm to hear people say "How can you do it? How can you let those kids go? I'd get too attached...". Let me say this: good foster parents know that this is not meant to be hurtful, but it really is. It's like saying that we can only do what we do because we don't get attached or love the kids.

It's just not like that.

When you love a child with all of your heart and soul, you want them to be happy. And you know that if their biological parents or their blood relatives can keep them safe, that's where it's going to be. No large house or better clothing or organic food is going to replace that connection. My biggest point of concern for our adopted daughter is that I have NOTHING of her mother to offer her but a name. No hair ribbon, no picture... not even the name her mother gave her because her mother DIDN'T give her one (her legal first name was BabyGirl for the first 6 months of her life). I can't even tell her the race of her father. I'm hoping that she's not going to be one of the children that feels a void for lack of these things... for lack of a grandmother or aunt that can tell her that she laughs like her mom did or her eyes are like her dad's.

Even when children are abused, they still love their parents.

So when you, as a foster parent, love the children in your care and you see the kids going to a parent that has worked for it or a relative that loves them and regardless, an environment that is safe--you're HAPPY. Because the child that you love is happy. It is absolutely sad to miss them being a part of your day-to-day life, but you get through that pretty quickly. And I won't say that you don't worry about them and you don't wonder, because you do. I just breathed a sigh of relief having heard from a grandmother of the girls that left the day after Cookie arrived. They're doing well. It's not like you forget them. You just become aware of your role in their lives, and it's a role that you likely never knew existed unless your parents were foster parents. It's very different. And it's (usually) temporary.

When Cookie came to us it was supposed to be a 2-week placement. Then it "wasn't looking good" and then it turned around. When she went home, we were simultaneously ecstatic, nervous and sad because she was such a part of our daily lives. What we're involved with now is certainly not the norm.

The media has done a grave injustice to foster parents who are involved in the system and trying to make a positive difference in kids lives. And if they think they're making good people want to foster--they're wrong. Nobody wants to attach themselves to what they think is a corrupt system full of evil people.

Likewise, I have to wonder if some of the hesitancy people have to helping us in Cookie's case has to do with public perception of foster parents being that we're all just somehow bad people who always have an ulterior motive that is self-driven vs. what is best for the child.

Would love to know when that will end...