I’m so torn as to whether seeing Cookie was a good thing or a bad thing. We visited for about an hour. The CASA report said she doesn’t speak, but I saw her use a few words… “tree”, “Oscar” (the grouch), “push out”, “ba” (for sippy cup) and “uh-oh”. I think she used one or two others, but I can’t remember. I just remember thinking that she was using words. No question she’s delayed, but getting better. She’s apparently already receiving services. The CASA report was from April 10th and it’s now 5 weeks later. That being said, I know she used a few words when she was at our house in January. I don’t recall it being quite as many—but some.

We played together for an hour. She came in and the worker brought us into a room. She willingly sat on my lap and I read her “Brown Bear, Brown Bear” by Eric Carle. She stopped me at the black sheep and went back between the cat and dog. That’s when she really loosened up a bit with me. But she was clearly comfortable with me. She even leaned into me a bit. Again—the smell of me, I’m sure. I honestly think that’s what it must be because it’s always when she’s close to me that she shows the strongest bond.

We played. She engaged with me. She understands what you’re saying to her, but I see that she’s typical 2 and pushing boundaries a bit. She took her shoe off and brought it to me and climbed into my lap to help her put it on. It was such a comfort that she knew me. SOMEthing about me clicked with her as a safe person that loved her.

Near the end, I told her “I go bye-bye” and her hands instantly went into her mouth (she does it when she's stressed or tired)—but she continued to try to play. I let her a bit. I said it again and she looked at me as if to say “Play!” I started to get a little upset: I knew what the fingers meant. I told the caseworker. Cookie was on a ride-on toy in front of the door when someone tried to get in. I pulled her off the toy and she got upset and was about to start crying. I had her in my hands and turned her towards me and she just laid her head on my shoulder—fingers in mouth. I started to cry and just rocked her, telling her it would be okay and rubbing her back. We did that for maybe 3 minutes (which is a pretty long time).

Finally I pulled back a bit to face her and told her that she was going to go to Miss Peggy (her daycare teacher) now. With that, she leaned out to the caseworker to be taken from me. As I left, she watched, but she didn’t cry that I know of.

I cried.

Matt and I had agreed last night that if the mother decided to relinquish rights, but only if we didn’t take her—we would agree to that. The goal is her long-term care, safety and stability. We love her dearly, but the goal is not about “getting Cookie back”. It’s about ensuring that she doesn’t bounce around the system or die if the system misses her. In fact, I almost wish her mother WOULD agree to relinquish on those grounds; and that the foster parents would commit to adopting her. That would be the ideal—not getting her back. The last thing she needs is another disruption in her little life. She doesn’t deserve this. And really, we were complete with Graham and the baby. We’re not driven to have another permanent child. We always left a space for Cookie, but it’s not like we’re trying to get her to complete our family. Our family is already complete. But we certainly have room in our hearts, home and family for Cookie if it’s where she needs to be for her long-term care.

I’m really worried that we WILL get custody and mom will work her plan for reunification… and the judge will say “Well, she did what we asked her to do—we need to give her back”. Then what…? More disruption. But then she could wind up back with mom if she stays where she is, too.

It’s hard to know what to do.

Hopefully by the July hearing, the ICPC will be done. Apparently her caseworker hadn’t even sent it out yet! I told the caseworker that it was a 27-day turnaround end-to-end and she said “No, that’s just on your state’s part”. I didn’t argue with her, but I will be telling my lawyer she needs to light a fire under their asses to get it done. Thankfully, we’re actively licensed—so it should go quickly… I hope, anyway.

I guess worst case would be getting to the July hearing only to find that mom had a 2 week stay in the mental hospital and is doing beautifully since… convincing the judge that “this time is it!”

So… we’re again in limbo for 2 months.