August 3, 2007: Our foster daughter is born positive for methadone (very high dose) and cocaine. Father is named and is suspected to be in central America, but makes no contact.

August 8, 2007: CPS places Cookie in our home for foster care pending the arrival of her maternal grandmother to take custody "in 2 weeks". We are told that the mother's prior child (a son) was removed and given to his biological father 9 years prior due to the same drug problem. CPS tells us that the mother's rights were terminated, but because she didn't fight this she was entitled to a case plan for Cookie. The family insists mom did not lose parental rights. When Cookie was born, mom had been fighting for visitation with this child but her drug problems were interfering.

late August, 2007: grandmother has not arrived. Cookie has one 2-hour visit with her mother every week. We set up an anonymous e-mail account to relay information to the mother quicker than going through the caseworkers. At this point, the mother's maternal aunt is receiving the e-mails, printing them and giving them to her although she does e-mail us once from the aunt's house to thank us and explain her side of what happened (unsolicited). We also print our e-mails out and send them for visits along with pictures. Cookie has an EEG to rule out convulsions (due to witnessed tremors and strange jerks) and sees the Infectious Disease doctor for baseline bloodwork for Hepatitis C (mother was positive for it). Infectious Disease doctor notes physical indicators of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

We spend out of pocket money when we need to change formulas due to allergic reaction.

I never got to finish cleaning my room. The good news is that every surface got dusted and vacuumed--just not wiped with cleanser or put back nicely. Let's appreciate what we have--shall we?

The baby's caseworker told me yesterday that birthmom is doing more drugs--not less. She qualified for inpatient rehab... which means she's really bad. The caseworker believes it is a 6-month program; and said that the state is not thinking of allowing her to go into a mommy and baby program because of some things she said to the caseworker. I THINK that's what she said... I was on the cell phone at the county fair and couldn't hear her very well. And as far as the maternal grandmother goes, they requested a file from the state she lives in to investigate that "red flag" and see if it's something that would prevent her from getting custody, but nobody knows how long it will take to GET the file.

We're (thankfully) not attached to her yet... but if grandmother doesn't get custody soon like they're working on, I'm going to guess we will get attached to her. I'm not sure what would be worse, really. The child deserves to feel that kind of love and that's our job. We'll get over it. If she's going to a good situation, so will she.

Anyway... this morning she had blood in her poop. I'm concerned. I have no clue what this could be. Since we moved her to the allergenic formula, things have gotten progressively better. In fact, she's sleeping at night. Sometimes she actually has to be woken to eat in the middle of the night. Hallelujah! Minimal fussiness or gas. No more inconsolable crying (although I know it can return any time over the next few months). By all counts, she looks great. Except for the blood in the poop. Of course, my only experience with that is food allergies. Her formula has soy and cow's milk, but the proteins are pre-digested--so they SHOULDN'T be a problem. I have no clue what else it could be... so I've put it out to all the experts I know before taking her to a clinic. We shall see.

I'm starting to love her. But it's weird: it's the way you feel about someone else's child. I don't know quite how to describe it, but it feels like when you're babysitting someone else's baby that you completely adore being around--but don't mind when they have to go home. I wonder how long it will take for that to change to feeling like I don't want her to go. Staring at a 6-month stay while mom is in rehab makes me nervous about that.

So mom's great-aunt e-mailed for her. I sent back all that I had sent the caseworker and great-aunt responded that the mom would be thrilled. She will see the mom this morning. This morning I offered that if mom had some receiving blankets she could sleep with, I could wrap the baby in them so that the scent of her mother is always familiar to her. It would make things easier for the baby when she goes home.

I'm also tending to Graham. It seems like I've neglected HIM. He certainly requires quite a bit of attention and I seemed to have forgotten that attachment parenting is putting MY things aside to tend to his needs when HE needs me--not when my stuff is done or it's convenient for me. And I haven't been doing that. I feel horrible about it because I can see it manifesting in his behavior... just like our neglected dogs.

I think maybe it's a good thing we don't have a bigger vehicle and we can't take in the number of kids we're licensed for. I think we'd be spread too thin. We'll just stick to this for now. And we'll stick to kids younger than Graham so that we know he's always safe.

So the first thing I did was to log into my anonymous e-mail account to sit and wait for the baby's mom to e-mail me. It's driving me crazy. I want her to e-mail me! I want to send her the updates I sent the caseworker. I want her to see that I'm NOT crazy (what irony--right?). I want her to relax at least a little bit. I want her to focus on her case plan so she can have her baby back.

WRITE, DAMN IT!

And again, I feel horrible about it.

The baby's caseworker calls this morning for an update. She's not in today so she didn't get the e-mail I sent. I tell her. I also tell her that if the mother were unable to complete her plan and there were no suitable relatives for placement, we'd be interested in the baby. She figured--since most foster parents that take newborns are.

She tells me the maternal grandmother won't be able to make it here on Wednesday as previously planned. Something went wrong with her house sale. She should be here by late August. I ask if the grandmother looks promising--knowing all the background work wasn't complete yet. The caseworker said there was one red flag that needed to be looked into further--so at this point, it was unknown as to whether it would be an issue. They can't tell me specifics and that's fine--it's not really my business. But I appreciate her telling me what she can in terms of progress.

The baby came back from her first visit with mom and everything was in her bag just as it had left... plus a picture of mom (and dad I assume?) and a tiny teddy bear. The pictures I sent for her were still in the bag. I think she may not have seen them because I'm sure she'd have taken them. She asked the transport worker about me--worried about who her baby was with and the transport said I seemed nice and concerned for the baby. She pointed out that I was willing to e-mail the mother. It doesn't matter. This woman must be completely frantic about her baby being with strangers. I know they're in this position for a reason, but I feel her panic for her--and it concerns me about her ability to focus on her own issues that need to be tended to so that she can get her baby back. I hope that by allowing her to e-mail me (through an anonymous account) that she will feel SOMEwhat more at ease and able to take care of herself. Suddenly, I find myself overwhelmed with wanting to help this family reunite.

So I will put the picture and the teddy bear in the baby's cradle, and see if I can drop the pictures off at the DYFS office for the county so she can pick them up. I feel badly that she didn't get them. I know she's aching for them.

I really am going out of my way to help the birthmom. I put together a little suitcase memory box with her hospital bracelet and umbilical cord stump. I offered to take pictures of her each week. I started a first year calendar for her. Then this feeling came over me and I thought "Wow, these might be mine someday". Apparently mom has lost her rights to her first child--eight years ago. Her drug history is very long and very bad. They're not hopeful about her coming through this.

It's not like I'm attached to her. But then I wasn't attached to Graham at this point, either. I spent a whole pregnancy not knowing if he'd arrive--so I'm familiar with the feeling; but most other people insist that if I'm even considering that she might stay, I must be attached and in denial. It's infuriating. I have no feeling for her yet. In fact, I have to remind myself to kiss her and snuggle her. I have to make it a point to talk to her. I feel like I'm babysitting--so trust me, I'm not attached yet. And likely that's because of the situation. So far for us, fostering makes you feel like they could leave at any minute. So you're preparing for it all the time. I realize we're relatively new at this so maybe that will change.

So, Lena and Amanda left an hour ago to live with their paternal grandmother. They are thrilled. I did what I could to help Amanda. I spoke with her attorney and scanned and sent her documentation. I called the state ombudsman office. I even called CASA (although it's too late for that now). I wrote up all kinds of instructions (unfortunately in English) for the grandmother and told the state worker that transports the girls that she needed the section on Amanda's speaking to be read to her--that she needs to understand those guidelines to help Amanda.

But they're gone. And it's okay. I'm okay. I'm almost a little relieved. Graham, on the other hand, astounded us. He saw the girls putting all of their stuff in the state van and said "Are the girls going home?". After 3 months of living with us, he "got" that they weren't "ours". I made the mistake of saying "yes"... after all, since when does that stuff register with him? (background: he has an autism spectrum diagnosis and had an extremely hard time adjusting to their arrival). Well it did--and he was SO UPSET. If I would've said "No, they're going to the doctor,"--he'd have been completely fine. I'm so stupid. He was also really tired and due for a nap--which didn't help. For a minute, he stood at our door with his head on his arm crying "But I miss them so so much...". I cried and cried. I was okay with the girls leaving; but I never wanted this for my son. I shouldn't have said that to him. I should've treated it like camp and he'd have been fine--like he was for camp.

Meanwhile, we took in a new baby last night. So I packed the girls before the baby came in and as a result, it was a pretty smooth transition. She's so TINY...! She wasn't premature--just low birth weight. Mom & baby tested positive for cocaine and morphine at birth. The documentation says that baby was exposed to cocaine and methadone. Oddly enough, that means she'll live a far more normal life than the child of a pregnant drinker.

And mom appears to love her child. She has resided bedside to the baby (holding her every moment) until she was discharged. The maternal grandmother is coming in from Texas to potentially take custody in 2 weeks... so we have no idea how long she'll be here. Last night was rough. She really likes to be held! And she appears to be allergic to dairy protein--so I've switched her formula to soy. We'll see how it goes.

The baby came from my local county office and they have been WORLDS better in giving me information about the case. I think I never want to take another out-of-county placement in my life! No kidding--I got more information about court dates and team meetings in 24 hours than the other office gave me in 3 months. And honestly, it's good that the caseworker is keeping us informed so that we don't get too attached. Now I just want to help this baby and her mom instead of keeping her. I wouldn't have been able to let myself believe she was staying anyway, but the thought would've crossed my mind once in a while and I may have fantasized about it. Now I won't do that. It won't change how I treat her: I know a baby NEEDS love to form healthy attachments. So love is my job here! :)

I kind of like this job.

So the girls got to speak to their mother and I got a feel for what "developmentally disabled" meant for this case. She came across like a 6yo. I started to wonder how she managed to keep custody of her kids for so long, but apparently both sets of grandparents have been helping.

They also got to speak to the grandmother here--and I use the word "speak" loosely because the grandmother is WORLDS less functional in English than I thought and the girls don't speak a word of Spanish. It's really concerning that they want to put the girls there when Amanda has such a significant speech and language delay.

Aaaaand, in updating the caseworker on Amanda's IEP meeting, it is discovered that the caseworker doesn't know that Amanda has a psychiatric diagnosis. :O I scan the evaluation and e-mail it to her along with a copy of Amanda's IEP from the last school--which notes that her primary language is Spanish. :O again. Ugh...

So I told Lena about what was going on. She actually took it well. I think she really "gets" that there's not a good answer here. She doesn't appear panicked or anxious--but now I'm getting that way. Now I'm really concerned about them leaving to live with their grandmother (gm) here. I keep wondering what this will do to Amanda's communication skills long-term. I keep thinking that if the gm can only take 2, take the boys: the youngest is under 3yo and the longer he's in care, the more likely he is to see his foster mom as his MOM. Wouldn't that be a bigger problem? The mom is staying at the grandmother's house during the day--so whichever kids go there will see their mother a LOT.

I don't know. And the caseworker hasn't said anything yet. I know that they know where the girls are going for respite care--which is two weeks from today. But they're not telling me. When I got calls for vacation/respite care, I got them a day or two before the kids were due to arrive even though they knew about the need long ahead of time. But if the girls are going to stay with their grandmother, they MUST know THAT. We'll be returning on Thursday and the girls have visitation that day. We told the caseworker they can come home after visitation and we'll be here. But there's a court date the day before that could determine that they're leaving. How nauseating.

Meanwhile, the girls got to speak to their brother tonight. He's 9, but man does he sound like a YOUNG 9. When the 2yo got on the phone, Lena had tears falling down her face. I felt so bad for her.

I don't even care what happens anymore. I just want to know so we can adjust and move forward.