Cookie's caseworker came by today to get her social security card and some toys that I found along the way cleaning up.

When Cookie went home, with her went a prescription for Nystatin for a pretty bad (but recovering) yeast infection and 3 pages (large type, plenty of white space) of info/instructions for her care. Page 1: her daily schedule and feeding needs (how to alter if she didn't get enough oz. of formula, etc.). Page 2: appointments bm needed to make for the summer and info she needed to make and get through the appts. Page 3: just general stuff (ie: "I sent back all of the clothing your relatives bought", "If she cries, there is absolutely a reason so be sure to check her up and down until you find it"). Not a WHOLE lot on page 3.

Well, I get the call today that they need a refill on the prescription. Mom put something on the yeast infection hoping to help and it made it worse. Mom thinks maybe she was allergic to the stuff she put on the baby. I tell the caseworker that the refill will not be enough and baby MUST see a Dr. to get more (and gave her the refill in addition).

The caseworker also says that they have tossed the baby's schedule and are "doing their own thing" and I don't quite get how this came up, but apparently it wasn't a good thing. The caseworker asks me to reprint what I sent because she inadvertently didn't make a copy for herself. The mother is additionally saying she had no idea that there were appointments to keep for the baby.

Okay... well, there weren't appointments to keep other than her Early Intervention therapy, but there were appointments she needed to MAKE for the baby. Oh--and apparently she's not been able to connect with the Early Intervention therapist, either.

Matt thinks this all smacks of her coming back into care and therefore coming back to us. Honestly, I don't know what to think. On one hand, I feel like THIS would be the time that the mother would be doing EVERY LITTLE THING RIGHT... wouldn't she? On the other hand, the argument could be made that she simply doesn't know any better and/or understand the importance of some of these things and just needs some education and supervision to get on her feet. And really... DON'T EFFING TELL ME. I don't want to know! I don't want to hear that it's going badly because I will cry for Cookie's discomfort when she was SUCH a happy child. And I don't want to hear it's going well because I KNOW she's not coming back--do NOT need to be reminded thankyouverymuch.

Well... I had a good "I want her to come home" cry today over the whole thing. And I feel dumb because I'm NOT her mother and this is NOT her home and I KNEW that when she came to us. And I DO feel dumb, but I'm going with it anyway and just mourning my loss.

Either way, Matt and I agreed that the way we feel right now makes it such that every child is going to be held up to the standard of Cookie--and NO child is going to fit that bill. Matt was quick to point out that we always thought every child would be held up to the standard of Graham... and then Cookie came along. I guess his point is that this too shall pass and we will move on from it to love another little being the same way.

Graham is feeling it, too. I've had to remind him twice that Cookie wasn't coming back. We were in the library and he wanted to take a book home to read to Cookie. I had to very gently tell him that Cookie went back to her mommy... "Remember?". Another time we were in a store and he asked if a particular toy was a baby toy. I told him it was. He asked if he could have it. I said "No". He asked again and I told him it was for babies--not for big boys. He then told me he wanted to teach Cookie how to use it. Ugh... I had to stop right there in WalMart, kneel down to his level and gently remind him that Cookie lived with her mommy now. This morning we were snuggling in my & Matt's bed and I asked Graham who we loved. He said "YOU!". I hugged him and asked "Who else?" He said "Poppa..." and I asked "Who else?" (thinking he'd say himself) and he said "Cookie..." I said "Yeah, we do love Cookie. Who else?" He responds "Buddy..." It just broke my heart. He's clearly connecting with the babies. At this point, I redirect him to loving the dogs; but I feel badly for him. He misses her as much as we do. His own little personal fan club.

I did go through a weird thing last week with food. Did I post about this? I didn't want to cook... which is not really new--Matt's been doing 99% of the cooking for easily a year. But I didn't want HIM to cook, either. No cooking in the house! Period. I didn't want ANYone cooking. And I really didn't feel much like eating. In fact, there were 2-3 days where I fed Graham and sat there with him at lunch... but I didn't eat.

At least I haven't been holed up crying for 10 days and not functioning. That would really be the worst.