The other day we were driving home from and the kids were laughing in the back seat. I thought about Cookie going home and the prospect of adopting another little girl the state has called about (an older one through the adoptive unit--not foster)... and what a mess it all seemed to be. For a second, my eyes swelled and I asked him "How did this happen to us?"

How did our quest to have more than one child go from something as seemingly simple as HAVING another child... to this.

I've decided that since everything happens for a reason and a purpose, that God has sent Cookie to us to teach us that we were capable of loving a child that wasn't our own by blood. She has fulfilled her purpose; and without our sadness and missing her, we wouldn't know how strong we could possibly feel about a child that had no biological connection to us at all.

She taught us an incredibly valuable lesson.

So I do have some peace about her leaving--knowing that her life has other purpose now... and so does ours. It was our last day together and a great day at that. It was just a regular day. I only felt moved to swell with tears once: when I realized that in the car, going to breakfast, Cookie was trying to sing the song Graham keeps singing ("Amen, Omen" by Ben Harper). I instantly thought that I could get it on CD and send it home with her for her mother to hear. Then I listened to the words:

"Amen omen, will I see your face again?
"Amen omen, can I find the place within
"To live my life without you?"

THAT made my eyes swell for a minute.

It was supposed to rain all day, so Matt and I planned a "Star Wars Festival" for Graham. We told him he could dress up in his X-Wing fighter uniform (an astronaut uniform from Halloween) when we go out for breakfast... which he did. We watched Star Wars movies broken up by earning another Lego Star Wars ship (the Imperial Dropship) and a treasure hunt that found two more episodes of the series. We put together the Dropship outside. Well, Graham did most of it himself despite the fact that the package is rated for 7-12yo's. Cookie watched from her saucer while Matt mowed the back lawn and I swept the maple seed pods from the patio. It was just nice.

Surprisingly, I'm okay. I have these passing daydreams about her mother calling me for help and having to drive there to rescue the two of them... but I know how stupid that is. I think about how her mother's going to handle the changes in her life... if she's going to relapse... if she does--will anyone be around to help Cookie? I wonder. But I wonder about all the possibilities with all of them--even the ones I'm relieved to see go.

I have a beautiful little dress for Cookie to wear home, but it's going to be too cold for it. So now I have no idea what I'm going to put on her. She doesn't have anything "special" that's appropriate for the cold tomorrow. Not that fits, anyway. Maybe if I have some time in the morning I can go buy her a little dress.

Hoping Graham handles this one alright. We've had some discussions about Cookie missing her mommy and vice versa. I think he understands it. About two weeks ago I explained to him that her mommy had called and really missed Cookie and asked if she could come home and I said that she could. Graham asked if she would come back and I said "No, honey, I don't think she would." He was quiet for a second and asked if Buddy was coming back. I told him that he wouldn't.

We walked down the stairs together, quietly. At the bottom of the stairs, he asked me what I thought Cookie's mommy would call her. I asked him what he thought and he said that she could call her Cookie, or her birth name or the name that we IN PASSING thought we'd name a future daughter (he's heard it TWICE). I told him I thought she would call the baby by her birth name. He continued to play.

Suddenly, I'm enjoying him more. I'm looking forward to it just being the three of us for a while. I'm looking forward to a break. I sometimes think of the new child and wonder if we just need time alone as a family for a while--to re-evaluate what we want. Last night I asked Matt why we even want more kids and neither of us can really articulate it, but we also can't deny that we can't put it to bed, either.

So we'll move forward. Cookie will leave and we'll find out more about the potential adoptive placement... maybe we'll meet her. I'm sure it won't be too long before CPS calls us with another foster placement. Honestly, I think our resource worker must've told them to hold off on us pending Cookie's leaving and the incoming adoptive placement. They try to minimize disruption in the home if they can. But I know at the end of the day, if they don't have a home for a child--they're going to call.

In the meantime, I shot out an e-mail Lena and Amanda's caseworker to see how the girls are doing. It's almost a year ago to the day since they came. It was May 24th and we've had placements ongoing until Cookie leaves tomorrow--May 19th. It's been an interesting year. We've learned a lot. I don't regret it.

My next e-mail will be to Carl's caseworker. I wonder if he's still at home or hospitalized again. I can't imagine what will become of him. I'm almost wondering if I should bother e-mailing the caseworker. **SIGH**