I told Graham today that Cookie's mommy wanted Cookie to come live at home. I told Graham that Cookie's mommy missed her so much. Graham asked if Cookie would come back and I told him "no". So then he asked if Buddy would come back and I told him "no". He was quiet as we finished going down the stairs. Then he started on about what Cookie's mother would call her... and running through the list of available names for her (Cookie, her real name, and the name we had reserved for our own future child if we were to have a girl).

But court confirmed it that she will go home on May 19th. They go back to court in August and the caseworker said that even if they close the case in August, the mother will still be in monitoring & supervision for at least another 3 months. That would put them in early November. The birthmother's mom is planning to move out of state in January. Between that and the holidays, I wish they would monitor her through that.

I just pictured saying goodbye and telling her to be a good girl and I started to cry at how ridiculous that was because she just WAS a perfect child.

I feel like she is as much my own as Graham. And Matt feels the same way. But we also know that her mother has worked really hard to get where she is and to have her daughter back.

In some ways, it's reassuring: we now know that we COULD love another child who is not ours no different than if they were ours. So at least we know that it's possible to adopt a child and love them like our own blood. Yeah--I know people do it all the time, but they're not me. Just because other people can do it doesn't mean we could. And whose to say that they're not lying? Or maybe they don't have their own and therefore they don't know the difference--ya know?

But we can. And we do.

And we worry that if mom relapses (as she has been known to do after significant periods of sobriety)... what will Cookie endure or suffer before someone rescues her? Will she even be in this state?

My sweet girl. My sweet, HAPPY, loving, brown-haired happy baby girl. I just have no clue how I'm going to handle it. And I feel so dumb--because she's not mine and I know it and I've always known it and I worked above and beyond maintaining her connection to her mom. But I love her. I love her so much...