Cookie has dry skin behind her ears and Dr. advises use of cortisone cream which clears it up. Baby also has a relatively raw diaper rash and Dr. advises to mix Neosporin with diaper cream.

Mother is not advising when she introduces new foods and so diaper rash may be a food reaction (because baby has existing food allergies). I find this out by accident when she divulges feeding baby strawberry-granola baby food. I notify CPS nurse to educate the mother on transitioning new foods with an allergenic child.

Crossed eyes appear to have cleared up.

Mother now has visits 3 times/week and at least one of them is unsupervised for 2 hours.

May 7 hearing results in a 5/19 return/reunification date. Baby has first and only unsupervised overnight visit from Friday 5/9 through Monday 5/12 (Mother’s Day weekend). Mother calls 9 times from Friday to Monday for anywhere between 1 and 43 minutes.

Cookie sees the Dr. again approx. 5/13 re: diaper rash that they now believe is a bad yeast infection. Nystatin cream is prescribed.

Cookie is reunified with mother on 5/19 with a 5-page document, an entire wardrobe in her current size and a bare bones supply of feeding items (bottles, utensils, remaining food from her WIC allotment, etc.) Page 1=her daily schedule and notes on dietary management of constipation; page 2= listing of her upcoming doctor/specialist appointments (noting which have been made or need to be made) and information she needs for all of them; pages 3=health related information including the current yeast infection with instructions, her ear skin condition with instructions, allergy information, etc.; page 4=developmental information on her current milestones and areas of delay that she may be asked about (with explanations/descriptions of the problems/achievements); and page 5=miscellany… info about her clothing, sleeping arrangements while here, etc.

Caseworker and I agree that as of reunification, phone contact between the mother and I must stop. Caseworker believes the mother will lean too heavily on us and we feel it would be difficult to deal with emotionally.

May 29: Caseworker comes to pick up a refill of Nystatin. Mother put something on the yeast infection hoping to help and it made it worse. Mother thinks maybe she was allergic to the stuff she put on the baby. I tell the caseworker that the refill will not be enough and baby MUST see a Dr. to get more (and gave her the refill in addition).

The caseworker also says that mother has “tossed” the baby's schedule and are "doing their own thing" and I don't quite recall how this came up, but apparently it wasn't a good thing. The caseworker asks me to reprint what I sent because she inadvertently didn't make a copy for herself and the mother no longer has the information. The mother is additionally saying she had no idea that there were appointments to keep for the baby. Mother has also not been able to connect with the Early Intervention therapist and so Cookie’s physical therapy has been disrupted. At this point, I ask the caseworker not to give us updates although we tell her we are always available to answer questions.

I forgot to add that Cookie hasn't seen her Early Intervention therapist since she went home. I realize this may actually be (partially) the therapist. But I wish it were just ammunition to show that this mother isn't effectively advocating for a child with special needs. I'm just angry now. Angry and bitter.

I couldn't sleep at ALL last night. All I've been able to do is wonder what Cookie is doing and what is happening to her now. Is she happy? Is she crying and nobody is paying attention? Will this turn around? Or will it get worse? And if it gets worse, how bad will it get before the state steps in and removes her?

She was SUCH A HAPPY BABY. It sickens me to think that she's going to live an unhappy and uncomfortable life that is bad--but not bad enough to warrant removal. Yeah--lots of kids live that way. But they didn't live here in my house very happily for their entire life and then go to that.

I just feel sick.

Cookie's caseworker came by today to get her social security card and some toys that I found along the way cleaning up.

When Cookie went home, with her went a prescription for Nystatin for a pretty bad (but recovering) yeast infection and 3 pages (large type, plenty of white space) of info/instructions for her care. Page 1: her daily schedule and feeding needs (how to alter if she didn't get enough oz. of formula, etc.). Page 2: appointments bm needed to make for the summer and info she needed to make and get through the appts. Page 3: just general stuff (ie: "I sent back all of the clothing your relatives bought", "If she cries, there is absolutely a reason so be sure to check her up and down until you find it"). Not a WHOLE lot on page 3.

Well, I get the call today that they need a refill on the prescription. Mom put something on the yeast infection hoping to help and it made it worse. Mom thinks maybe she was allergic to the stuff she put on the baby. I tell the caseworker that the refill will not be enough and baby MUST see a Dr. to get more (and gave her the refill in addition).

The caseworker also says that they have tossed the baby's schedule and are "doing their own thing" and I don't quite get how this came up, but apparently it wasn't a good thing. The caseworker asks me to reprint what I sent because she inadvertently didn't make a copy for herself. The mother is additionally saying she had no idea that there were appointments to keep for the baby.

Okay... well, there weren't appointments to keep other than her Early Intervention therapy, but there were appointments she needed to MAKE for the baby. Oh--and apparently she's not been able to connect with the Early Intervention therapist, either.

Matt thinks this all smacks of her coming back into care and therefore coming back to us. Honestly, I don't know what to think. On one hand, I feel like THIS would be the time that the mother would be doing EVERY LITTLE THING RIGHT... wouldn't she? On the other hand, the argument could be made that she simply doesn't know any better and/or understand the importance of some of these things and just needs some education and supervision to get on her feet. And really... DON'T EFFING TELL ME. I don't want to know! I don't want to hear that it's going badly because I will cry for Cookie's discomfort when she was SUCH a happy child. And I don't want to hear it's going well because I KNOW she's not coming back--do NOT need to be reminded thankyouverymuch.

Well... I had a good "I want her to come home" cry today over the whole thing. And I feel dumb because I'm NOT her mother and this is NOT her home and I KNEW that when she came to us. And I DO feel dumb, but I'm going with it anyway and just mourning my loss.

Either way, Matt and I agreed that the way we feel right now makes it such that every child is going to be held up to the standard of Cookie--and NO child is going to fit that bill. Matt was quick to point out that we always thought every child would be held up to the standard of Graham... and then Cookie came along. I guess his point is that this too shall pass and we will move on from it to love another little being the same way.

Graham is feeling it, too. I've had to remind him twice that Cookie wasn't coming back. We were in the library and he wanted to take a book home to read to Cookie. I had to very gently tell him that Cookie went back to her mommy... "Remember?". Another time we were in a store and he asked if a particular toy was a baby toy. I told him it was. He asked if he could have it. I said "No". He asked again and I told him it was for babies--not for big boys. He then told me he wanted to teach Cookie how to use it. Ugh... I had to stop right there in WalMart, kneel down to his level and gently remind him that Cookie lived with her mommy now. This morning we were snuggling in my & Matt's bed and I asked Graham who we loved. He said "YOU!". I hugged him and asked "Who else?" He said "Poppa..." and I asked "Who else?" (thinking he'd say himself) and he said "Cookie..." I said "Yeah, we do love Cookie. Who else?" He responds "Buddy..." It just broke my heart. He's clearly connecting with the babies. At this point, I redirect him to loving the dogs; but I feel badly for him. He misses her as much as we do. His own little personal fan club.

I did go through a weird thing last week with food. Did I post about this? I didn't want to cook... which is not really new--Matt's been doing 99% of the cooking for easily a year. But I didn't want HIM to cook, either. No cooking in the house! Period. I didn't want ANYone cooking. And I really didn't feel much like eating. In fact, there were 2-3 days where I fed Graham and sat there with him at lunch... but I didn't eat.

At least I haven't been holed up crying for 10 days and not functioning. That would really be the worst.

... and what a relief THAT is. We're okay. We're not crying all the time. I don't swell every time I come across something that reminds me of her. Matt and I are able to talk about her without it become cry-fest. Honestly, her first overnight away (4 days and 3 nights) was much worse. It was Mother's Day weekend, but really--the holiday didn't make it any better or worse. It was just her being away from us and the reality of her going home and not knowing if mom would stay on track. That was a really hard weekend. I even cried when she came home.

But we're okay now. We're both a little surprised by it, too.

I'm working on inventorying the baby and kids clothing. I'm going to toss anything I wouldn't put on a child going out of this house. I'm going to eBay the stuff that I know I will probably never use and still has tags. Then I'm going to sort the rest by size, gender (or gender-neutral) and season (just hot and cold). I'm going to note it on a sheet and then I'll know what I have and what I don't if need be.

I'm sure at some point, I'm going to give up and get rid of ALL of it; but I don't feel like it's time yet. I'm certainly getting rid of some of it, though.

It's hard to know what to do with the bedrooms. We're going to proceed with meeting our adoptive match a few times. We've also decided that if she doesn't fit with us (or we don't fit with her) that we're going to take the summer off, and then go back to fostering infants. Since Cookie's departure hasn't sent us to our beds crying for days on end, we know we could do it again. So I hesitate to change Cookie's room into the playroom in case our match works out... because then it would be her room.

We should meet her next week (hopefully) or the week after (at the latest). I'm a little nervous about it. I feel like the fact that I'm so mentally prepared to have the summer with JUST Graham will mean that the match will work! LOL! Isn't that always the way?

She was with us from 5 days old. She left today.

We were struggling to find a way to provide closure for Graham. We decided he needed to say goodbye and really have something to DO with her going. We've been preparing him for over a week that Cookie was going home to her mommy and that she misses her mommy so much... blah, blah, blah... We already started the day with "celebrating" that Cookie gets to be with her mommy, but it didn't really feel like a party day... kwim?

We had a little while before the caseworker came and Cookie was taking a bottle. Matt was holding her, and Graham started mimicking her--position in my lap, kicking feet when she did, etc. I think it was his way of saying goodbye to her and dealing with it.

I did have him pick out a book for her to take home and he chose one that we had bought FOR her long ago and it was in her room until recently. I searched his bookshelf for it and couldn't find it--so I asked him to come pick a book for her to take home. He went to his bookshelf and grabbed THAT book. I was so annoyed that I asked him where he found it and he brought me to his bookshelf--but I swear I had searched EVERY SHELF. I had him put it in her duffle, and then had him fill another duffle with the outgrown clothes and asked him if he thought she would have enough clothes to wear. I made him pack the pic of her birthparents.

But he went out back before she left and now she's gone and he's acting fine. I'm sure it will crop up here and there going forward, but it's not the crying fit he had when the girls left--so I feel a LOT better about it.

Matt and I are intermittently tearing, but overall--we've made our peace with it. We realized that she was sent to us to teach us that we WERE capable of loving a child that wasn't ours by blood. If we didn't hurt to see her go, we would never know that. Likewise, she wouldn't have known the love that an infant deserves to know--even if they can't be with their parents. And since we hope to adopt and worried about this--it was an important lesson. And she needed our help when we were able to give it.

I hope her mother continues on this path. I hope she never comes back into care. Of course, if she does, we will be first in line to take her in...

Why do we want more kids? I'm thinking about all the things we could do with Graham because it's only one child... all the time we could devote to him... how happy we are together. Even if we had given birth, that child could have needs that would shatter this happy picture.

I'm starting to believe that straight fostering has been such a gift. We have the blessing of family without the committment. It sounds so shallow, but the reality is that it's a mutually beneficial situation: these kids NEED a place to be that can help them and love them, and we have that to give. Likewise, we love the feeling of family, but are also very happy to have time where it's just the 3 of us. We COULD take breaks more often--we just have opted not to. Some foster parents take a break after every placement. We accept them one on top of the other.

So I think we're taking the summer off unless the adoptive match pans out. We're really nervous about that. Frankly, I'm starting to think that we may never want to adopt UNLESS it was a child we've fostered. I just feel like the adoptive process can move too quickly.

But right now, I think Graham may need some time, too. I'm starting to wonder if he's going to be okay with Cookie leaving. Recently we were in the car and he unlatched the top part of his carseat-belt. I told him that he needed to stop doing that or the police would think I didn't take care of him. He asked "Like Cookie's mommy?" and I said "Yes". Since then, there have been a few intances of him saying something about being taken away for misbehaving. It's hard to tell if he actually believes this, or is just being manipulative. Either way, I don't like it.

Cookie is his biggest fan. And he LOVES an audience. I think her leaving is going to be hard on him. They are frick and frack. I thought he'd be far enough in age that this wouldn't be an issue, but she adores him and he knows it. So I'm glad we'll be empty for a while so I can spoil him with attention.

We'll see how the summer goes. The reality is: I'm a better mom with more than one child. When I just have one, I feel like it's so little work that "I'll get to it". I have this problem in every aspect of my life and it really is a problem. But when I have a lot on my plate, I kick into gear, get organized and get things done. I feel like that's such a crappy way to parent. So this summer, I'm going to really work on that. I love my little guy. I just hope that carries me through to moving my butt a little more.

The other day we were driving home from and the kids were laughing in the back seat. I thought about Cookie going home and the prospect of adopting another little girl the state has called about (an older one through the adoptive unit--not foster)... and what a mess it all seemed to be. For a second, my eyes swelled and I asked him "How did this happen to us?"

How did our quest to have more than one child go from something as seemingly simple as HAVING another child... to this.

I've decided that since everything happens for a reason and a purpose, that God has sent Cookie to us to teach us that we were capable of loving a child that wasn't our own by blood. She has fulfilled her purpose; and without our sadness and missing her, we wouldn't know how strong we could possibly feel about a child that had no biological connection to us at all.

She taught us an incredibly valuable lesson.

So I do have some peace about her leaving--knowing that her life has other purpose now... and so does ours. It was our last day together and a great day at that. It was just a regular day. I only felt moved to swell with tears once: when I realized that in the car, going to breakfast, Cookie was trying to sing the song Graham keeps singing ("Amen, Omen" by Ben Harper). I instantly thought that I could get it on CD and send it home with her for her mother to hear. Then I listened to the words:

"Amen omen, will I see your face again?
"Amen omen, can I find the place within
"To live my life without you?"

THAT made my eyes swell for a minute.

It was supposed to rain all day, so Matt and I planned a "Star Wars Festival" for Graham. We told him he could dress up in his X-Wing fighter uniform (an astronaut uniform from Halloween) when we go out for breakfast... which he did. We watched Star Wars movies broken up by earning another Lego Star Wars ship (the Imperial Dropship) and a treasure hunt that found two more episodes of the series. We put together the Dropship outside. Well, Graham did most of it himself despite the fact that the package is rated for 7-12yo's. Cookie watched from her saucer while Matt mowed the back lawn and I swept the maple seed pods from the patio. It was just nice.

Surprisingly, I'm okay. I have these passing daydreams about her mother calling me for help and having to drive there to rescue the two of them... but I know how stupid that is. I think about how her mother's going to handle the changes in her life... if she's going to relapse... if she does--will anyone be around to help Cookie? I wonder. But I wonder about all the possibilities with all of them--even the ones I'm relieved to see go.

I have a beautiful little dress for Cookie to wear home, but it's going to be too cold for it. So now I have no idea what I'm going to put on her. She doesn't have anything "special" that's appropriate for the cold tomorrow. Not that fits, anyway. Maybe if I have some time in the morning I can go buy her a little dress.

Hoping Graham handles this one alright. We've had some discussions about Cookie missing her mommy and vice versa. I think he understands it. About two weeks ago I explained to him that her mommy had called and really missed Cookie and asked if she could come home and I said that she could. Graham asked if she would come back and I said "No, honey, I don't think she would." He was quiet for a second and asked if Buddy was coming back. I told him that he wouldn't.

We walked down the stairs together, quietly. At the bottom of the stairs, he asked me what I thought Cookie's mommy would call her. I asked him what he thought and he said that she could call her Cookie, or her birth name or the name that we IN PASSING thought we'd name a future daughter (he's heard it TWICE). I told him I thought she would call the baby by her birth name. He continued to play.

Suddenly, I'm enjoying him more. I'm looking forward to it just being the three of us for a while. I'm looking forward to a break. I sometimes think of the new child and wonder if we just need time alone as a family for a while--to re-evaluate what we want. Last night I asked Matt why we even want more kids and neither of us can really articulate it, but we also can't deny that we can't put it to bed, either.

So we'll move forward. Cookie will leave and we'll find out more about the potential adoptive placement... maybe we'll meet her. I'm sure it won't be too long before CPS calls us with another foster placement. Honestly, I think our resource worker must've told them to hold off on us pending Cookie's leaving and the incoming adoptive placement. They try to minimize disruption in the home if they can. But I know at the end of the day, if they don't have a home for a child--they're going to call.

In the meantime, I shot out an e-mail Lena and Amanda's caseworker to see how the girls are doing. It's almost a year ago to the day since they came. It was May 24th and we've had placements ongoing until Cookie leaves tomorrow--May 19th. It's been an interesting year. We've learned a lot. I don't regret it.

My next e-mail will be to Carl's caseworker. I wonder if he's still at home or hospitalized again. I can't imagine what will become of him. I'm almost wondering if I should bother e-mailing the caseworker. **SIGH**

Cookie just left for her visit. Her last visit before going home on Monday. As I putter through the house, getting myself together for the day, I'm seeing things here and there that will need to be packed to go with her. And I'm not crying. My eyes are not swelling with tears.

Is it possible that I've made my peace with it?

I don't know. I know I was really having a hard time this weekend while Cookie was gone. I wondered if it would be easier or worse when she was gone for good and I knew she wasn't coming back. I still wonder.

I did tell the caseworker that all calls were off after the 19th. I'm thinking that may not have been the wisest thing to do. Maybe I need to be available for a little transition time in case mom has a panic about something.

... is walking into her room, seeing the empty crib, breathing in deeply, and smelling her. But she's not here.

It's the smell.

Not seeing her things everywhere I turn. Not folding clothes for a child that isn't here. Not tripping over the saucer and the swing. Not seeing the bouncy seat next to our bed. It's the smell of her. The smell of sweet skin and diaper cream and oatmeal made with prune juice.

It's just the smell of her.

Of course, Cookie's mother called this morning and read me something that just put me into tears about how being a mother has changed her so much. She then thanked me for taking care of the baby so well and involving her so much. All I could do was cry.

She told me that she spoke to the birthfather. It was a lot of mixed messages. The result was clear: he didn't want to be with her and the result was that she spent a day in bed. I told her that I thought that was miraculous given what she could have done. Maybe I shouldn't have said that.

But I put her in the car, kissed her, said "Lovey, lovey" and went inside. My eyes just welled up. I miss her already and I know she's coming back on Monday.

Her mom wanted to be sure she had the schedule right... the feeding correct. What to use on her ears and her diaper area. Asking if X would be alright instead. Checking to be sure she was doing the right things. I had to respect that she didn't assume to know it all just because Cookie was hers. You hear about parents that do that: they assume the child is theres and despite the fact they haven't been living together, the parent would "just know" what to do and to use. Usually to the child's dismay. So I am glad that the mother goes through it with me with such detail.

Some foster parents wouldn't have that kind of contact and just let the birthparent fail. But I know that Cookie would suffer in the meantime--and I just love her so much.

I'm not sure what to do now. On one hand, we feel like we should take a break, reassess ourselves and decide whether to keep fostering. On the other hand, I feel like if we're left without another child to distract us, it will be worse.

I don't know...

It's raining today. How appropriate.

I told Graham today that Cookie's mommy wanted Cookie to come live at home. I told Graham that Cookie's mommy missed her so much. Graham asked if Cookie would come back and I told him "no". So then he asked if Buddy would come back and I told him "no". He was quiet as we finished going down the stairs. Then he started on about what Cookie's mother would call her... and running through the list of available names for her (Cookie, her real name, and the name we had reserved for our own future child if we were to have a girl).

But court confirmed it that she will go home on May 19th. They go back to court in August and the caseworker said that even if they close the case in August, the mother will still be in monitoring & supervision for at least another 3 months. That would put them in early November. The birthmother's mom is planning to move out of state in January. Between that and the holidays, I wish they would monitor her through that.

I just pictured saying goodbye and telling her to be a good girl and I started to cry at how ridiculous that was because she just WAS a perfect child.

I feel like she is as much my own as Graham. And Matt feels the same way. But we also know that her mother has worked really hard to get where she is and to have her daughter back.

In some ways, it's reassuring: we now know that we COULD love another child who is not ours no different than if they were ours. So at least we know that it's possible to adopt a child and love them like our own blood. Yeah--I know people do it all the time, but they're not me. Just because other people can do it doesn't mean we could. And whose to say that they're not lying? Or maybe they don't have their own and therefore they don't know the difference--ya know?

But we can. And we do.

And we worry that if mom relapses (as she has been known to do after significant periods of sobriety)... what will Cookie endure or suffer before someone rescues her? Will she even be in this state?

My sweet girl. My sweet, HAPPY, loving, brown-haired happy baby girl. I just have no clue how I'm going to handle it. And I feel so dumb--because she's not mine and I know it and I've always known it and I worked above and beyond maintaining her connection to her mom. But I love her. I love her so much...